I'm sorry.

This is not going to be a happy post.

It's been 3 months since I had surgical castration. I'm trans and it was advised for me to have it done by my doctors.

For the next month after I felt fine. I was used to the effects of being on Testosterone blockers for years and didnt notice really any difference except for the missing testicles. Curiously, during this time my sex drive seemed to increase rather than decrease. I think now it was me mentally trying to prove to myself that I was still ok. That I could still 'do it' when I wanted. As the weeks passed though it would take longer and longer to acheive any type of orgasim, sometimes trying for literally 7 hrs straight. I felt like a sex addict trying desperately to get a fix that would not come. Now I dont even try.

I always dealt with depression since being a kid. But now the darkness I feel is endless. I have never felt such feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness in my life. My work is suffering. I hardly eat or sleep. I think about suicide constantly. I've felt hopeless in the past and not happy about being transgendered even though I look and pass very well in society it never 'fit' me mentallly. I followed the path of transition in despiration, hoping that the next procedure or next alteration would finallly pay off in a sense of peace and well being that never came.

And now I realize that this nightmare of my own creation cannot be undone. I feel ruined and worthless to any potential partner. Before the procedure I had mental issues with sex that were hard enough. Now physically I am just as bad. I dont see anyway out of this.

I really dont understand why anyone would WANT this. I'm sorry to be so negative. I read all these happy posts and people wishing they could get this done but I have never felt such utter despair as I know now. It's not just depression but a sense and knowledge that I will NEVER be the same again.

Sorry to hear that your experience has been so negative. My knowledge of your situation is limited, but assuming that you plan to continue transition, I would recommend that you start estrogen therapy.

Testosterone and Estrogen both have the same effects on your mental state, and from my own knowledge tend to assist in the ability to perform sexually.

Your current feelings are all the more reason for anyone considering castration to think long and hard before actually doing it.

I wish you success in finding a cure for your current mental state, and hope that some sort of hormone therapy will be the answer for you.

Ray

raymar2020 (imported) wrote: Fri Feb 20, 2009 6:25 am Sorry to hear that your experience has been so negative. My knowledge of your situation is limited, but assuming that you plan to continue transition, I would recommend that you start estrogen therapy.

Testosterone and Estrogen both have the same effects on your mental state, and from my own knowledge tend to assist in the ability to perform sexually.

Your current feelings are all the more reason for anyone considering castration to think long and hard before actually doing it.

I wish you success in finding a cure for your current mental state, and hope that some sort of hormone therapy will be the answer for you.

Ray

I would echo everything Ray just said, and add that it would be very wise to see your MD or a psychiatrist regarding depression, and the possible use of an anti-depressant medication. That made a world of difference for me back when.

You should get off the perscriptions and non perscription drugs, you are already taking, that aren't related to transitioning.

aLie2Live (imported) wrote: Fri Feb 20, 2009 1:58 am I'm sorry.

This is not going to be a happy post.

It's been 3 months since I had surgical castration. I'm trans and it was advised for me to have it done by my doctors.

For the next month after I felt fine. I was used to the effects of being on Testosterone blockers for years and didnt notice really any difference except for the missing testicles. Curiously, during this time my sex drive seemed to increase rather than decrease. I think now it was me mentally trying to prove to myself that I was still ok. That I could still 'do it' when I wanted. As the weeks passed though it would take longer and longer to acheive any type of orgasim, sometimes trying for literally 7 hrs straight. I felt like a sex addict trying desperately to get a fix that would not come. Now I dont even try.

I always dealt with depression since being a kid. But now the darkness I feel is endless. I have never felt such feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness in my life. My work is suffering. I hardly eat or sleep. I think about suicide constantly. I've felt hopeless in the past and not happy about being transgendered even though I look and pass very well in society it never 'fit' me mentallly. I followed the path of transition in despiration, hoping that the next procedure or next alteration would finallly pay off in a sense of peace and well being that never came.

And now I realize that this nightmare of my own creation cannot be undone. I feel ruined and worthless to any potential partner. Before the procedure I had mental issues with sex that were hard enough. Now physically I am just as bad. I dont see anyway out of this.

I really dont understand why anyone would WANT this. I'm sorry to be so negative. I read all these happy posts and people wishing they could get this done but I have never felt such utter despair as I know now. It's not just depression but a sense and knowledge that I will NEVER be the same again.

Dear AL2L,

Do not despair.

I think that you need to take stock and to realize that you problems could be from your body chemistry changing and your toleration to the medications that you were taking pre-surgery having a different effect upon your new body chemistry.

Also, realize that impotency is probably going to be temporary for you. If you were prone to depression pre-surgery, the effects of the body chemistry changing will AMPLIFY your pre-surgical tendency toward depression. Realize that this, too, is a temporary condition. Depression always has an impotency component and yours may be mainly from the depression.

By all means seek out medical help. A hospital stay, whether in a conventional hospital OR a psychiatric facility may be in order IF you have insurance. If not, perhaps a friend who understands will let you call and takl things out when you are down. Failing in that, try a crisis hotline or a ehlp group of some sort.

You life is NOT determined by possession of testicles, unless you have Cancer and it is recommended that you get rid of them before they cause your demise. The fact that you DO NOT have a pair anymore is not a reason to give up living, despite the fact that you feel that you made a bad decision.

Get help now. You need to do it and you want to do it so go and do it. DO NOT let your psyche sink any lower. There are people in the world much worse off than you are right now, and you CAN OVERCOME this temporary problem and probably have a much better outcome than you can possibly imagine right now.

Life situations are all temporary. However, depression can lead to suicide and death is permanent.

Oh, and one more thing, keep in touch because you have us all worried about you now, O.K.? You have friends...

Thanks for your post aLie2Live. I have no great insight to add, but will offer it was good that you did post, reaching out to folk who may quite possibly understand better than anyone in your immediate area. thats a _good_ thing.

The others who replied all offered what to me sounded like excellent advice, especially "get help now" which your post was the beginning of

keep sharing, markle

Yes, there are friends here.

aLie2Live I to am struggling with depression, and have done so for over a decade. You need to be taking some antidepressant medicine. If you want to talk privately we can.

Please, remember we all care what happens to you and we all want good things for you. You have friends here. --FLO--

I am a transexual also and I guess the only thing to say is that I have felt like you all my life, been depressed about who and what I am. ( never ashamed though ! ) I have always run away from it and still to this day have only had the confidence to come out to my parents and best friend all my other friends dont now and I still feel trapped and misunderstood. This will change soon as I dont want to feel like this any more. I now dress when ever I can and am taking hormones. I also am regularly seeing a psycologist. I have thought about it alot and think that I too would be like you after castration. Maybe its because at the moment you are niether male or female or that after taking this first step you are realizing that it really doesnt change much and your seeing life just going on as it did before. I guess it always will be the same but hopefully you now feel more like yourself and that will give you the strength you never had before to do the things you always wanted to do. Dont give up on life as it has a funny way of turning around for the better when you least expect it, and remember for the most part as long as you go around with a smile and good attitude you will never fail the rest will just fall into place. Believe me it sounds silly and simple but try it. Also I found that personaly I never really liked touching my penis and would say it is rare for me to masturbate more than once or twice a month. However since starting hormones I can cum simply by rubbing my breasts. ( for that you dont need to be erect ) it feels great. Take the time out to feel relaxed dont force anything just remember to have a good time try different things and explore your body find what works best for you. If as others have said you are not on hormones this too will effect how you feel start taking oestrogen and you should feel much better. I hope you feel better soon and please let us now how you are getting on. Life is just an experience and not one to be wasted live your life to the full, dont let it slip you by life goes on with or without you dont allow just the others to have all the fun. LIVE IT !

I do hope you let others help you through this. We were not put on earth to change the world or ourselves all alone. No one has this responsibility.

And none of were the same person we were ten tears ago. You, like all of us "transitioned" thru another decade of life. Indeed, your next path is tuff!

Seek the care of others, but please never fully surrender to your despair. Doing so will halt your progress. Reach deep down inside...with the fortitude to move through these changes you will put your past to rest, and you will become stronger and more joyful. The world is infinately vast or desperately dismal. And you must decide this for you!

Give it time. When you feel you haven't arrived, and feel somber, look back on where you came from, or do something different to distract yourself from yourself. Beware of self destructive thoughts and behavior. Take control of your mind, don't let the mind control you.

You be careful and seek help with your healing and do keep us informed.

chilli-