Recently i have been getting deeper into these fantasies, and that is when i realized something was wrong. I have always, since a child, had minor castration fantasies, but over the last few months, it has gotten totally out of control. But once i realized there was a problem, i went along trying my hardest to find a reason.

And there is was, staring me in the face.

In the end of summer, i had a f*ck buddy and we would have regular sex twice a week. But unfortunately two completely unrelated things happened at once that led to our relationship falling apart: first, we had absolutely horrible sex one day, totally my fault, and i figured we could just try again the next time; but... secondly, she went to a party that weekend and ended up having sex with her future girl friend.

i think this incident fueled the fire that before was only smoldering beneath my subconscious. it started innocently enough, but over time i started to masturbate to castration fantasies more and more until just a week ago when i realized that's all i was masturbating too.

i saw that i started to blame myself and the bad sex for why she left, and i channeled my anger to myself and my penis. i thought, "if i lost my balls, my penis would be worth the same to me as it does now, just less hard." When i started to realize this 'self-talk' was starting me down a dangerous path, i stopped and looked at my situation:

I have always been embarrassed about the size of my penis (a solid 6"), even though i have heard nothing but praises. And my performance has been nothing but full hearted, but after this incident i think that i started to think that it was my fault that she stopped having sex with me and i lost all my confidence.

as soon as i realized this, everything fell into order and i stopped masturbating to castration fantasies in that way. I now realize that it wasnt my fault for her to stop having sex with me. After a lot of thinking i ended up calling her, and she told me that in a few weeks after having sex with that other girl they feel in love. that's when i realized, finally, that the reason we stopped having sex, was because she found a significant other.

The main reason i am posting this is because i wanted to know if anyone else has used their fantasies as a way to blame themselves or as a way to punish themselves?

I have done it before back when I was in high school I kept telling myself that if my balls were gone I would stop having these conflicting feelings. I was bullied a lot but at the same time I was sexually attracted to the victimizers it was so confusing because I thought there was something wrong with me. I later learned that biology cannot be overwritten and that just because I was sexually attracted to them didn't mean I had to act on it.

I think most people here get their castration ideations from a subconscoious or even conscious guilt over sexual guilt that has been imposed by our society. I can easily see that a young gay or bisexual man reased in a "straight" world and told by the world that homosexuality is bad, immoral, wrong, sick, or twisted could easily want to destroy the part of them that fuels their "sickness". Of course there are other reasons a man would seek castration but I think that theory would explain why a disproportionate number of members here are "other than straight". Oh well, just a theory and hope no one finds it offensve.

I can't wait for the day that people are accepted for how ever they are created and not made to feel bad for how they were made. It's terrible that someone could be made to feel so bad about what they are that they would be driven to castration or even suicide.

I have had so very much the same feelings of guilt, shame and ultimately frustration. For me sex has been mostly a negative experience. The satisfaction becomes a shorter and shorter period and the urges grow stronger. At my age the idea of having relief from my urges becomes increasingly appealing

It's my belief that castration fantasies can have any of the following sources and combinations of them:

a desire to punish oneself

a desire to punish one's significant other

a desire to communicate to oneself or others that one doesn't feel like a man, shouldn't be a man, really is not a man, that one feels like a woman, should be a woman, really is a woman

a desire to communicate to others that they/she are/is is not contributing to you feeling yourself a man

a feeling that one's sexual drive is out of control, sinful, the source of problems

and probably many others.

I would caution, however, that if the fantasy is accompanied by strong arousal and/or masturbation, it's likely that the fantasy has been co-opted by the sexual feelings and that you should be careful what actions you take based on those fantasies.

I would offer that if one did get castrated and then realized that it was a wrong decision, he could at least start HRT and restore his sexual potency and vitality. He would not of course, be able to father children. Those who chose penectomy and then realized that it was based on a false presumption, would be forever frustrated.

Absolutely NOT interested in (nor even care to think about) penectomy. Are you referring to someone who has a penectomy but does not have castration? Y e a, I can see how that would be a living hell. But from what I read here drugs (or castration) without HRT would completely, or almost completely, banish any sexual desire. Regardless of the cause, cancer, self-inflicted, or accident, or inflicted by another, I could see that one would want, would need, to have their sexuality put to sleep........even then there could be a life of longing, if not intenst frustration.