A long time ago, at a college not far away, I was told I should consider going to graduate school in Philosophy. I took another path. Today, I can say with some pride (er...I mean embarrassment ) that while I know the names of quite a few philosophers I know very little of what most said. I do retain something of a philosophical bent, however, so these jokes appealed to me.

Philosopher Jokes (http://www.as.miami.edu/phi/jokes.htm)

Jokes Ripped Off from Pasi Kueppameki at

http://www.etla.fi:80/ km/joke.html

And Then Altered

The First Law of Philosophy

For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.

The Second Law of Philosophy

They're both wrong.

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Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?

Answer: An offer you can't understand.

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Question: What is a recent philosophy Ph.D.'s usual question in his or her first job?

Answer: "Would you like french fries with that, sir?"

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If you put two philosophers in a room, you get two opinions, unless one of them is Eddy Zemach, in which case you get seven opinions. (Apologies to Winston Churchill)

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These jokes posted with the permission of Pasi Kueppameki.

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Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.

Owen Herring

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Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

Owen Herring

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Question: What do you get when you cross an aesthete with a phenomenologist?

Answer: An interior daseiner.

Jeffrey Glick

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An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."

William Knorpp

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Causes of Death for Some of the Great Philosophers

By Stiv Fleishman

• Thales: Drowning

• Parmenides: It wasn't anything at all

• Ockham: Cut while shaving

• Russell: Cut while being shaved by one who did not shave himself

• Descartes: Stopped thinking

• Spinoza: Substance abuse

• Leibniz: Monadnucleosis

• Darwin: Natural causes

• Hume: Unnatural causes

• Kant: Transcendental causes (although it was his own idea)

• Paley: By design

• Heidegger: By Dasein

• Meinong: Climbing accident

• Neurath: Boating accident

• G.E. Moore: By his own hand, obviously

• Sheffer: Stroke

• Sartre: Nausea

• Pascal: Became despondent after losing a wager

• Wittgenstein: Tried to see if death was an experience one lived through. (Alternate: fell off a ladder)

• Hegel: Collision with owl at dusk

"From the Editor," Ethics, Volume 104, Number 2 (January 1994), page 225.

Posted with permission.

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SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

By Jose Luis Preza

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The element, tentatively named "Administratium," has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice neutrons, and 161 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called "morons." Since it has no electrons, Administratium, is inert.

However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact. According to discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without the Administratium, the reaction occurs in less than one second. Administratium has a half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as governments, large corporations, and especially in universities. It can usually be found polluting the best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic and recommend plenty of alcoholic fluids followed by bed rest after even low levels of exposure.

Posted with permission.

Absolutely brilliant - particularly these causes of death:

- Leibniz: Monadnucleosis

- Paley: By design

- Heidegger: By Dasein

- Sartre: Nausea

Don't forget Monty Python's "Bruce's Philosopher's Song"

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

Plato, they say, could stick it away--
Half a crate of whisky every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram,

And René Descartes was a drunken fart.
'I drink, therefore I am.'

Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed.

Danya (imported) wrote: Sun Aug 31, 2008 5:17 pm An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."

William Knorpp

I actually tend to think that way. I was an awful student and I took my major in religion but most of my course work in my major was in philosophy. I am not quite smart enough to do a job requiring me to ask about fries but this joke is close--too close. :-\

And my own philosophical favorite:

You can lead a whore to water but you can't make her think.