Here's a few to start it off.

A whore walked up to the bar, put her just-earned $20 down,

and ordered a whiskey. The bartender looked at the $20 bill and

said, "I'm sorry, but that's counterfeit. You've been fucked."

"Like hell!" she said. "I've been raped!"

A carpenter had been hired to add a new partition in a

whorehouse. After he completed his job, he naturally went to the

madam and asked her for $100 in payment.

"I'm sorry, pal," she said. "But I can't pay you in

cash. However, I can let you take it out in trade."

The carpenter scowled in disappointment, but nodded his

head. The madam promptly took off all of her clothes and

spreadeagled on the bed for him. He leaned over her and stuck his

thumb in her asshole and next two fingers in her vagina.

"Now pay me the $100, or I'll pull out the partition."

Pete was sitting near the stage of a strip joint when the

girl came out and began dancing. Suddenly, as she began unzipping

her dress, a man sitting behind Pete shouted, "Take it off, Baby!"

causing Pete's ears to ring from the volume. Pete turned to the

guy and scowled at him.

"Sorry," the man apologized.

Later as she began unhooking her bra the guy behind Pete

again loudly yelled, "Take it off, Baby!" and again earned a

scowl.

"Sorry," the man apologized again.

And yet once more when she began to slip down her panties

the air erupted with a bellowing, "Take it off, Baby!"

Which, when met with the customary scowl resulted in

another, "Sorry."

The act ended when the dancer ripped off her g-string,

this time accompanied only by silence. "Hey, pal," Pete said

sarcastically, "where's your great enthusiam now, huh?"

"All over the back of your head."

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible

addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very

compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form

of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your

cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then

remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such

a fasion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is

obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the

treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks

later he came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to

be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours

is!"

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to

transfer my addiction," said the patient.

"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to

sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."

A women, gasping for her last breath on her deathbed,

whispered a confession to her husband who was by her bedside.

"Dear, before I die I must tell you something. It was I who stole

the $50,000 from your safe. I spent it on a ritzy fuckfest with

the mailboy at your office. And it was I who got your cheap whore

mistress secretary to skip town by bribing her to leave you. And

it was I who snitched you off for evasion to the IRS. Can you

find it in your heart to forgive me before I go?"

"Yes, dear," he smiled. "After all, it was I who poisoned

you."

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were comparing relative

woes one day. The cucumber said, "I have it really bad. I am

allowed to grow big and fat. But then they pick me, drown me,

slice me into little pieces, and finally eat me. It's all over

then."

"Well," said the pickle, "At least your suffering is

brief. Mine is prolonged. Like you, I am allowed to grow big and

fat. But then I am picked and bathed in foul smelling fluid for

what seems an eternity, and then they eat me, too. Finis."

"So what?" answered the penis. "At least there is an end

to it for you two. My torture is daily and eternal. I also am

allowed to grow big and fat. But then they always wrap a rubber

bag over my head, put me in a dark, wet, cave that smells like fish,

and make me do pushups until I puke."

An extremely elderly couple went before a judge and sought a

divorce. The judge read the paperwork and said, "Let me get this straight.

You have been married for 59 years and now you want a divorce? How do

you explain that?"

"Well, your honor," said the wife, "We knew the only decent thing

to do was to wait until all the kids had died first."

A Polish girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and got

up into the stirrups. The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state

of her vagina he asked, "When was the last time you had a checkup?"

"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had

a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."