After reading many of the biographical postings, it is obvious that many of us on the EA had childhood sexual experiences that influinced our adult sexuality, our choice of lifestyle, and (sometimes) our gender.

There is a phenomnon called "imprinting" thatt affects mental growth and change. The classic example is the baby duckling raised by a chicken - the duckling acts like a chicken, and not as a duck. Or the human baby raised in the wild by wolves - they become wolf-like in behavior.

My own feeling is that genetics also plays a role. Almost all preadolescent boys are exposed to sexual practices by their peers, such as "circle jerks" and the like. Only a few of these boys will grow up to be homosexual, and another small number will be traumatized and made sexually disfunctional. So environment clearly is not the only determinant.

Beginning at about age 12, I was "abused" by older boys and grew up thinking that I was destined to be homosexual, especially since my puritanical parents kept me out of social contact with girls. Eventually, I figured out that I was not a true homosexual after I had my first sexual intercourse with a girl at age 21!

However, this situation definitely skewed my outlook on sexuality. To this day, I am bixexual. I wonder what might have been my outlook if my first sexual experiences had been with a girl, or both sexes equally.

Along these same lines, I want to mention some of the experiences of other boys (and men) whom I have known.

"Joe" was the youngest of 5 brothers. He was used as a sexual outlet by his older brothers, starting perhaps when he was 6 or 7 and the oldest was 12 or 13. I met him while on a summer vacation when I was 17 and he was 12. "Joe" was a cocksucker and solicited me for sex. I wonder what has become of him today.

"Sam" was the oldest boy with a younger sister and even younger brother. "Sam" was 13, his sister 11, and his brother was about 6 when I first met him. "Sam" was fully developed sexually with man-sized genitals, while most of the others were pre-pubescent. "Sam" was the leader of a neighborhood "sex club" which included several other children of both sexes, and also his sister. (The younger brother was deliberately ommitted because he was a tattle-tale.) While the group did not practice intercourse (thankfully they understood the risks), they were into oral sex in a big way. Eventually the parents of another boy found out what was going on and the group was broken up.

"Willy" was a college chum of mine. We took a trip to Washington, DC, and stayed overnight in a motel room together. That is when I found out he was homosexual. (Actually, I made the first advance, but he eagerly reciprocated.) Later on, I discovered that he was privately into Bondage as he had handcuffs and even a straitjacket in his bedroom. Eventually, he got so used to the bondage thing that he could not function sexually unless he was tied up. In the meantime several years went by, and I had gotten married. One night I tried to straighten (pun intended) "Willy" out by introducing him to my wife in a threesome. She was willing to have sex with him, but he could not penetrate her as he would go limp instantly. I later learned that he had found a "Mistress" and went for regular BDSM sessions with her.

"Dan" was the one who introduced me to swinging. He and I had been employed at one time by his father's company. It was in the Men's room there that he asked to see my erection. some years later on, I ran into him again. He was married to a sweet young blonde thing of only 18 (he was 30). When he invited me over to his house one evening, he insisted that I not bring my wife, but to come alone. Upon entering the house, I discovered that he was dressed in a robe and she was in her underthings. "Let's go into the bedroom," he said. Later on, we had a foursome, but my wife didn't like "Dan" so it didn't work out.

Then I got the bright idea to invite "Sam" over for a threesome. Since my wife had had to have a total hysterectomy, there was no danger of pregnancy. Unfortunately, "Sam" was still considered underage in the State that we lived in. So when his parents found out that he was having regular sex with my wife and I, the cops got called in! That is when I realized that I needed to be castrated. I had to settle for a vasectomy and some professional counseling. We didn't get any jail time, but it was a royal mess... what with all the legal fees, etc.

Yoli here,

I've been up since 6AM yestereday! Still not all that sleepy.

Anyway...

99.99999% of the EA members know about my near-rape at age 13.

Given that, one might expect me to be truly afraid of mens' :dong:s, and totally asexual OR 100% lesbian. Not so.

I'm certain that my interest in castration, and the small nod to peepee-ectomy, are rooted in that experience but I DO love male items nonetheless. That said, I can't say whether the experience might explain why I have physical contact and fun with only, and I mean ONLY (so far) two male peepees; One large one attached to an intact male (Lt.Col BigGuy) and one small and adorable one appended to a real live eunuch (Barry T. Eunuch). The common trait these two guys share is that, while poles apart in lifestyle, vocation, (I can't imagine Barry in a tank) and sexual orientation, they are the epitome of strength and kindness. The fact that they both know how to play my body like a Stradivarius helps too.

I'm not really sure whether or not the near-rape contributed to my Sapphic side, though most avowed lesbians I've known mention childhood sexual abuse and some believe that caused them to become what they are.

If, in fact, my sexuality and activities thereof are products of that bad moment during my 8th Grade year, then, in some warped way, I'm almost grateful.

I doubt I'd ever thank the illegal alien bastard from across the Rio G. Besides, he was "shanked", quite fatally, while a guest of the Great State Of Texiz. My response when told of his passing? "I wish I'd been there! May I have his you-know-whats?" A local police Lieutenant came to my parents' home and gave me the news. You should have seen his face when I offered my comment and request. For that matter, you should have seen my dad's face!

To those who've been abused and molested: You are ALL in my prayers. Please understand that YOU are not to blame.

Love 'n stuff,

Yoli

The Wonderfully Warped 'n Wacko Girl In San Antonio

I am 42 and as a child, never explored any part of my sexuality. I never had friends that talked about it with me, nor did my parents. I would get erections and sometimes had wet dreams, but never understood why this was happening. It wasn't until I was 35 and seeing a counsellor that I ever talked about sexual things. I am someone who has never masterbated. In fact, the counsellor laughed at me in a session when I told him that I have never mb. When I asked him to explain it to me, I agreed that I had never done that. I only rarely ever got hard during my life. He had tried to explain to me that I was homosexual. I don't get sexually aroused by anything really. It wasn't until I found this forum that I actually figured out and believe that I am Asexual and don't lean either way. This has been hard for me to accept, and at 42 it seems like a monumental task of discovering 'what' I really am.

I do have and interest in castration and have tried chem cast several times. I really liked the results. With so little libido anyway, it didn't take much to stop it completely. Without getting hard, there seemed to be no more confusion.

So I do think that environment can play a significant role in sexual identity. I am certainly willing to share experiences with those who desire more information of my experience.

I've got younger sibblings, but I think that somehow I still managed to act like an only child (perhaps even now. I'd imagine some of that shows in my long-winded, self-centered biographical posts... o.o.).

The first erection I remember ... I don't know if I was three or four. But it was pretty annoying and unfamiliar so I went to my grandmother to see what was wrong. The "problem" was dismissed, so yah, ignoring became the sollution.

Actually,the main reason I thought to mention that is because, other than that and one other incident, I've always been rather protective of people seeing anything in the general pants area. (The other incident involved me taking an interest in the "Wy exactly do so many people sleep naked?" thing that never caught on around my house, and trying to work such into the plot of a "pretend we're in the eighteen hundreds" adventure my sister were on. (she kept her pants on, and I knew nothing of what such an event miht iply at the time)).

I didn't even notice that there were balls down there until like, after starting school (I want to think I was six, but I'm not sure of the exact timing... only that I was at least five for certain).

I did have a middleschool-aged female cousin who, in retrospect, talked about sexual things quite a lot... all went entirely over my head and I didn't even think on them to make the connection until like... this year. (I did learn the word "rape" from her with absolutely no idea what it meant. Which resulted in me using it rather inappropriately on a fieldtrip in fourth grade... despite getting in serious trouble over that... you know, I don't even remember when I learned what the word meant. Probably a while later fromthe friend that reported my use of the word.).

But really... that's... it. Sex was mentioned by one of my friends starting in third grade, but without anything resembling discussion or context or explaation, so it was just a word that he had learned so far as I was concerned (he started talking about PG13 and R-rated movies and CDs and such around this time as well, so I guess he just learned about it from talking about some age inappropriate multimedia with older sibblings... never asked, though.).

I eventually caught on that it involved the penis and a woman (I don't even know when I learned what about homosexuality, but it wasn't until I was twelve at least. I guess I should mention that around the afore mentioned third/fourth grade time period, my teacher and assistant both decided to pull me and the previously mentioned friend aside as we came in from Recess one day to tell us to stop holding hands all the time... which happened minly because I'm visually impaired and can lose track of people easily in that kind of chaos. I kinda knew what they were getting at at the time, but didn't think anything of it.).

I'm pretty sure I didn't link sex to pregnancy until... probably sex Ed in sixth grade. (Hence, when I told a bunch of people in my fifth-grade class about a dream I had involving both an infant and a young boy getting pregnant, their utterly disgusted reactions left me kinda confused.).

So ok, sex ed happens, and that's that. No discussion with anyone--and really, I wasn't interested. Granted, this is also a point in my life where my social life starts to change a good deal. I can count my out-of-school interactions with friends on one hand, and guess what, they were all in the same fourth/fifth/sixth grade timeframe. Ur... except for two in 2006.

But sixth grade started "lots of people in the same hallway preparing to leave" afternoons, which resulted in two things being brought to my attention: random people I didn't know or have interest in kowing would occasionally say "hi" to me for no apparent reason, and I had(ur, have) a tendency to not have my head in much of a "looking at everyone's eyelevel" position (unless I was watching the ground carefully, this wasn't quite so common when I was shorter, and this was in the months prior to me deciding that shorter was better, so I think it ad to do with me used to my limited vision being at 47 inches off the ground... either that or I was thinking a lot while walking. Which... is probable.).

And all of a sudden I stop having so much in-school contact with friends (mostly due to the nature of Junior High the following year... I had no locker, I tended to leave class early (with a friend, which is probably the only reason I kept friends for the next couple years), and a total loss of out-of-class time that wasn't lunch.).

So, seventh and eighth grade, I hear a lot of boys talking about dirty jokes, movies I don't like and accusing people of homosexuality. Neither of these intrests me in the least, and by eighth grade the person I wind up see around the most is an unppular, out of shape, awkward kid from a morman family. So eventually the "eighth graders making gayjokes" gets turned on us. (I don't tae it well and wind up attacking another friend ver it. Hmm.).

Oh, and at this point I've had my 'little identity crisis', which resulted i me decding to throw what was going on around me to the wind in seventh and eighth grade and act the way I wanted to act... which got me sent to the school for the blind's summer camp program. (I violently protested before submitting. o.o. In my defense, until that moment I'd been taught to bemyself regardless of what the crowd says, so a blatent attempt to undo that offered me something to hate).

I've rambled too long. But this ties in to the whole "me not liking the way people portray sexuality" thing, as well as my whole identity thing. While I was expecting a lot of "this is what normal is; shoot for it" from the ASB stuff, I didn't get any of that at all--in fact, I was about as free as ever, except for scheduled events I rarely wanted to attend. In fact, I decided to go back for the remaining three weeks of the program... because I managed to make friends there. This seems completely different from the way my home life was going... probably because I was in the "children from 6 to 13" dorms. So there were no teenaged boy norms to rebel against.

Sexuality comes up twice, here. Once, one younger boy comes up to me and says that another boy said he likes sex. I'm pretty sure it was a joke, so I basically dismiss the comment and only really say "do you even know what that is?".

The other stuff was more me writing spontaneous cases of sexual relations into an otherwis clean story (I did originally plan on showing it to my roommate, but he never got around to reading it... I think that's a good thing, though I'll get to the reason... ur... in the next paragraph. Because he's my roommate the next year, too.).

So at home, people kinda start leaving me alone. I think mainly because I have even less opportunities to interact with people as time goes on (and it all disappears, pretty much in ninth grade, other than band. Tenth grade sorta got better, but at that point my social life was pretty much gone without me noticing).

But between eighth and ninth grade I decided to go back to ASB, what with the previous year turning out better than expected.

Except now I was fourteen, and thus in the building with a bunch of teenaged boys. I wund up rooming with the same boy from last year (both times we arranged this only after arriving), and in the room next to ours (connected by the bathroom) we had another friend and a Jock. It was the athletically social outgoing guy that asked me once as we were going to eat (and I think we were relatively alone at the time) in a non-serious way if my roommate and I were in a homosexual relationship. I said no, he admitted he wasn't serious, but warned that wshould go to the pool and try to pickup chicks to avoid people accusing us of such, as the same had apparently happened to him.

Guess what, my roommate had a girlfriend, I wasn't interested and we spent way too much time playing video games in our room. And the guy that gave that warning happened to be the only person to do anything. Mainly consisting of poking his head in and making inappropriate comments or noises.

My roommate seemed very confused and interested in sex, and even though he was older than me by a few months, I can't help but suggest that he was way less mature (not that I wasn't prone to acts of immaturity, though.). There was a visually-challenged deaf guy that lived in the dorms we were in, though I think he was like 18 or so, and he had a steady girlfriend and was friends with my roommate, so I got to overhear them talking about what kind of sexuality was present in the older boy's relationship (manly just consentual touching, from what was said).

This is happening near to the time that our neighbor starts being a jerk, so my roommate winds up trying to convince everyone that he isn't gay through words (he brailled what he said to the older deaf guy, so I read his messages later; the time he tried to say that he wasn't gay, he wound up starting the sentence only to blot out his words several times before ending with "I'm not like that." What it comes down to, here, is that I'm pretty sure my roommate was more serious about the subject, while at this point--maybe punctuated by this--I was getting more adverse to the subject at large. Which doesn't really help when our neighbor spreads arumor about my roommate being caugh jacking off and he asks me what jacking off involves... I didn't really know, and thought it had omething to do with self-falatio... I'm pretty sure neither of us knew about masterbation at this point.).

So, I have no intention of going back there--I may have left a week early that year. Immediately after leaving there, my mother (my parents divorced before I was two and my father remarried, so I've lived with him; my mother had two more sons while my dad and step mother had a daughter, if that's worth anything) ... where was I? Yeah, after that I went with my mother, brothers and mom's muscly middle-aged boyfriend to Disneyworld, and on the way my eye got roasted by Las Vegas air, so my crappy-but-usable vision started to degrade much faster from then on.

(I'll add that even when I could see well enough to read the subtitles on NES games, I didn't put too much stock into people's looks. I saw faces more on TV than in real life, so the only person Iever really looked at enough to call atractive was Monalisa (the singer, not the painting...). And I was like eight or nine at the time and forgot rather quickly.).

So after hat, the most major thing that happens is the start of masterbation, at which point I start feeling way more disturbed by the subject of sexuality, to the extent that... well... most of the experiences I read here leave me extremely perplexed and unsure of how to feel or respond.

... and I only just learned what the vulva is a couple months ago through wikipedia. -_- now I have to rename a fictional character...

Two more things. And then I'll end this novel.

I'm not sure exactly when; she was like, somewhere between 6 and 9, but my sister wound up deciding to take off her clothes once when we were in our parents room... watching TV? Being that my vision (this was pre-Vegas) wasn't detailed enough to get any idea of what female genetils look like, I made a few attempts to investigate, though not very seriously. (... still have no idea what female genetils look like. :-/ ).

The other, I'm not sure which year it was, but at ASB, at one point I put my han in my roommate's pants because I wanted to see if he had the "between waist and penis" hair thing yet. Naturally he noticed and was repulsed. (I'm not making an argument here, but he did tell me earlier that he had been trying to sneak his hand into a girl's pants in the cafeteria at one point for investigative purposes, and was discovered and shied away. I'm not positive, but I think said girl was younger than us... but something tells me identity wise that didn't matter at the time.).

I have no idea what to make of this, other than a few possible analyses here and there. I do know that some thingsthat have entered my mind led to me keeping a text document that functions as "whenever I'm feeling particularly disturbed and motivated I write aout it and past stuff and whatever comes to mind" thing.

Although I think that's what this post has turned into, so I'll be done now.

Kangan (imported) wrote: Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:02 am After reading many of the biographical postings, it is obvious that many of us on the EA had childhood sexual experiences that influinced our adult sexuality, our choice of lifestyle, and (sometimes) our gender.

There is a phenomnon called "imprinting" thatt affects mental growth and change. The classic example is the baby duckling raised by a chicken - the duckling acts like a chicken, and not as a duck. Or the human baby raised in the wild by wolves - they become wolf-like in behavior.

My own feeling is that genetics also plays a role. Almost all preadolescent boys are exposed to sexual practices by their peers, such as "circle jerks" and the like. Only a few of these boys will grow up to be homosexual, and another small number will be traumatized and made sexually disfunctional. So environment clearly is not the only determinant.

This is so true. I used to think that I could over come any obstacle, down-playing how my childhood had affected my ability to expirience intimacy and build relationships. I have never denied anything that happened and have forgiven anyone who has brought harm.

Molestation prevents a person from building trust and turns what should be a beautiful expression or release into panic and fear. As your brain developes you are basically being wired. This is why child molesters are soooooo harmful to young people. You can change the way you think for a moment, but once your wired the deal is done!

With environment length of abuse would also have to be a factor. You might get a little PSTD from a near rape, attack etc., but basically you should be able to recover providing you have a good supportive family and were not being abused prior.

Boys being exposed to circle jerks is more just expirementation than environment. A kid that is getting molested at home is environment, and that molestation is often the tip of the iceberg. That child is going to need extensive care from the community or get them out of the home. And that's just to keep him out of prison.

Thank god I grew up in the 70's and other children's mothers came to the playyard to help me. I would have never made it without their consuling and compassion. Because of environment I will always be sexually submissive to women. The only way to remove the angst and expirience true intimacy is castration.

If you were abused try to understand the abuser/abuse and keep your heart alive. Never stop running/fighting until you are free. Sex is a wonderful thing BUT love is everything.

"You don't want to know"

Chilli