Tools and their REAL uses

[rp131 (imported)]

Tools and their REAL uses

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DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and

flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that

freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the

workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and

hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to

say, "Yeou shit...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes

until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

blood-blisters. The most often tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor

touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,

and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your

future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.

If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense

welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of

intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the

wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½

socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood

projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after

you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly

under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off

of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known

drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible

future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops

to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of

everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably

has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a

drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which

is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main

purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm

howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the

Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat

misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and

for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your

shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips

screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to

convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal- burning

power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that

travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts,

which were last over-tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and

instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket

you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used

as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the

object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in

walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard

cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents

such as seats, vinyl, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,

and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while

yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

[BossTamsin (imported)]

I love it. Far too accurate.

[Taylor (imported)]

I can't tell you how much I laughed my ass off reading this list! (Especially the Goddammit Tool!!!)

[kristoff]

I can't tell you how much I laughed my ass off reading this list! (Especially the Goddammit Tool!!!)

Reminds me - I was installing a 10' garage door, and my hired helper was supposed to be holding the door raised in the rails while I set the side springs. Walking from one side to the other, he thought it OK to let go, and the door dropped and hit me.

I yelled "Goddamit," and kicked my tool bucket, cussing a blue streak, and holding my head. He shame-facedly picked all the tools up and put them back in the bucket. I then said "Dammit, they're all in the wrong place."

At that point, we both started to roll on the ground laughing like a couple of goof-balls.

[karrietoBe (imported)]

Tools - I never seem to have the right one for the job. It seems I was happiest when I just had the old kitchen butter knife for everything.

[coinflipper_21 (imported)]

O.K. That had me laughing out loud. Having worked in a professional wood shop I can tell you that the one about the Radial Arm Saw is so true.

[Dave (imported)]

If my father couldn't fix it, he broke it.

I have a nephew whose mere touch is deadly to anything fragile. He has either 'no grip" or "crush that sucker into pieces" grip. I don't trust him to even pick up a hammer. He broke my level, once.

Then there's the British show where a woman used a Georgian Silver Serving Spoon to open her paint cans. It was still worth 30 Pounds Sterling. George is like King George the Third who we revolted from in 1776.

[Dave (imported)]

I remembered a great line from The Mikado:

On a (billiard) table untrue, with a crooked cue, and elliptical billiard balls...

[colin (imported)]

I remembered a great line from The Mikado:

On a (billiard) table untrue, with a crooked cue, and elliptical billiard balls...

"The billiard sharp whom anyone catches,

His dooms' extremely hard-

He's made to dwell-

In a dungeon cell

On a spot that's always barred.*

And there he plays extravagant matches

In fitless finger-stalls

On a cloth untrue,

With a twisted cue

And elliptical billiard balls!"

* This is actually a reference to a different form of billiards which is often known as 'bar-billiards'.