Hi Plix! Sounds like we are on the same page. I am doing well, and I agree that if we entertain those thoughts, it is very unhealthy for my spirit. I wish you the best, and feel free to contact me if you desire. Hugs, Leona

plix (imported) wrote: Wed Jun 21, 2006 7:18 am I taped the movie so I hope to have a chance to watch it soon

All you really can do in a situation like this is make the best of it. That's what I've learned over these past few months. There are still times when I wish I were a girl, but I have accepted that's not what is meant to be for me and I am working looking at the good that is in my life. And the more I look, the more I realize there is a lot more than I previously thought.

When you spend your time focusing on the positive, you don't tend to be as bothered by the negative. No matter how bad things are, there is always at least a little bit of good that you can reach out and grasp. You have a lot of family here, including me . I love you and want to see you succeed, and I know that can and will happen someday.

Hi all,

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

-- 1 Peter 5:7

I guess one of the essential ingredients of faith is believing that God loves/cares for us and is actively involved in our lives. Without that assurance, we would be tempted to take matters into our own hands.

ON THE THERAPIST'S COUCH

During a sleepless time two nights ago, found myself grieving that I ever belonged to the horny sex. I've lived as a full-testosterone man and am ashamed. On Father's Day, our pastor had all the men come to the front for a special time of prayer. He reminded us, "Men, there are things you shouldn't put before your eyes... the internet makes certain things more available than ever..." Are we all so weak? I think back to when my wife wanted to become pregnant. She WANTED a baby. Like any man, I enjoyed the baby-making; however, was ambivalent/apprehensive about becoming a father. When our son arrived, had to ask God to help me love him. What a pitiful difference between genders. [At this, a therapist could note, "Patient's gender pride has definitely switched from birth gender."]

The following reflections are a bit personal but provide a look into this varied thing called GID. (A post on another site about never crossdressing before transition triggered the thoughts.) After the gender shift and prior to castration, I d

bryan (imported) wrote: Tue Sep 27, 2005 7:47 pm esperately wanted to wear ladies underwear.

After castration, that desire faded into a more practical outlook. Told myself, "I would be happy to wear a bra -- if I had breasts requiring support, and I hope they grow. I'd be happy to wear ladies underwear -- if Mr. Penis is removed, and, yes, a penectomy would be nice." Back when I was a TV, what was important was the look (even though I never got out of the closet). After the gender shift, what's important is the body; clothes are secondary. In other words, I don't want to play "dress up," with falsies and a wig. I want the hair to be real, the breasts to be real, etc.

Occurred to me my life has become divided into two segments: before gender shift and after gender shift. As significant as my eunuch day (April 6, 2005) has been, Gender Shift (Oct-Nov 2004) has proven to be more significant.

* * *

Plix and Leona,

(Happy Birthday, Leona!)

Don't want this to seem like a game of "I can be more down than you," but I intend for this diary to accurately reflect the thoughts and struggles which accompany my GID. If I ignored the negative, this diary would be a sham. But I'll try to apply your advice. For one thing (looking at the positive), my work has improved considerably now that a support-hungry application has been retired. It accounted for half my workload and was demanding, boring, and frustrating. It burned me out, not once but twice.

"Focus on the positive." I'll be the first to admit I'm not there yet:

+ Positive: My body is healthy.

- Negative: I have to endure life longer.

+ Positive: I have a loving wife and child.

- Negative: It will all unravel if I express my true self.

+ Positive: Testicles are gone, and I don't have to deal with libido.

- Negative: I can't tell anyone about the wonderful difference lest I become an embarassment or worse.

Won't call this a positive, but it is a mitigating factor: was reading about a post-op MtF who is considering de-transitioning because of the continual effort in certain aspects (voice being one of them). Although transitioning was right for her psyche, the maintenance is taking its toll.

Terri

bryan (imported) wrote: Thu Jun 22, 2006 12:21 pm The following reflections are a bit personal but provide a look into this varied thing called GID. (A post on another site about never crossdressing before transition triggered the thoughts.) After the gender shift and prior to castration, I d

bryan (imported) wrote: Tue Sep 27, 2005 7:47 pm

bryan (imported) wrote: Thu Jun 22, 2006 12:21 pm esperately wanted to wear ladies underwear.

After castration, that desire faded into a more practical outlook. Told myself, "I would be happy to wear a bra -- if I had breasts requiring support, and I hope they grow. I'd be happy to wear ladies underwear -- if Mr. Penis is removed, and, yes, a penectomy would be nice." Back when I was a TV, what was important was the look (even though I never got out of the closet). After the gender shift, what's important is the body; clothes are secondary. In other words, I don't want to play "dress up," with falsies and a wig. I wa

nt the hair to be real, the breasts to be real, etc.

I understand this exactly. For me it has never been about the clothes. I dressed rarely before the start of transition and have not in over 7 months. I just never saw the point of dressing if I were still a man in a dress. And that is still how I would see myself if I dressed, which is part of why I don't.

I wouldn't worry at all about having a hard time at this point with focusing on more positive things. Just give it time and live each day the best you can.

Hi everyone,

DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIA?

As you know, it's hard for some TS's to diagnose their condition: "Am I TV or TS? Am I more female or male?" Wish there were objective ways to measure our condition. Here are two touchstones for your consideration:

1. Determining whether a confused person is really TV or TS:

Background: When I was a TV, it was a matter of shame/embarrassment; didn't reveal it to anyone except lovers. As a TS, however, there isn't a sense of shame. Rather, I would like to reveal the condition so people would know how to relate to me and I, in turn, could be freer to express myself around them. Wonder what TV's thinks about TS's? I can't get back into that frame of mind, but wonder if there's either a sense of "they're taking this girlie stuff too far" or just detached tolerance (i.e., "whatever floats your boat"). In other words, there really isn't a heart-level understanding of the underlying reason (cross-gender identity).

So, could you discern whether a person is TV or TS by their attitudes toward each group? It appears TS's express some disdain toward their "part-time"/"dress-up" counterparts, and TV's may think, "What I do may be weird, but TS's are REALLY weird."

2. Determining a confused person's gender identity:

Background: I definitely possessed male pride before the gender shift: was proud to love the Three Stooges, proud to not ask for directions, and so on. However, that pride vanished after the gender shift occurred. I started admiring qualities of females that I had previously disparaged, such as talkativeness. I currently have no male pride and feel like I'm walking around with a sign on me saying, "Part of the problem, not the solution."

So, could you determine a person's gender identity -- to an extent -- by which gender they take pride in?

* * *

A THESIS

These two touchstones have me wondering whether the saying "We take pride in who we are" is truer than we think. That is, whatever we are, we take some pride in that identity. If we are a male, we pride ourselves in our superior differences over women (and our arrogance as well ). If we are female, we laugh at what goofballs men can be, knowing we have found a better way to live, valuing relationships over toys. So here's what I'm getting at: if the saying "we take pride in who we are" is true, then you can determine a peron's identity -- to an extent -- by what they take pride in. (NOTE: We must distinguish between identity and role. There are roles we fulfill which we don't take pride in. But if there's something we take pride in, it defines part of our identity.)

Illustrating with some examples:

1. I had to shoot a varmint (armadillo) last night. Not something I enjoy or take pride in. So although I'm fulfilling a traditionally-male role, it's not part of my identity.

2. I am proud to belong to Christ. However, I remember in my youth when, although a regular churchgoer, I would have been ashamed to be identified as a goody-two-shoes. The thesis holds true: I wasn't Christian back then, but am now.

3. My TVism has always been an area of shame, but I recall envying (admiring?) TS's like Wendy Carlos. Following the thesis above, I really wasn't TV but was TS instead.

Let me know what you think,

Terri

I would like to caution you again on the difference between identity and role. I like that you made this distinction, but I'd ask you to think about whether it goes far enough. I would suggest that distinguishing between female and male identity and stereotypical masculine and feminine traits is also important. Most emotional men are not women, and most athletic women are not men.

That being said, I do think that what you take pride in plays a part in forming your identity. You have to feel good about who you are, and you have to be what you feel.

As far as discovering whether a person is TV or TS is concerned, I would say that nobody but the individual herself can make that decision, and that even excludes doctors and therapists. Those people can only guide a person toward what is already inside them.

Hi all,

Just a short note to let you know I'll be offline until Friday. Guess I've been doing pretty well. Still have my private times of bawling/howling over things I can't change (coming out as a boy), but moods have been stable.

plix (imported) wrote: Sat Jun 24, 2006 6:52 am As far as discovering whether a person is TV or TS is concerned, I would say that nobody but the individual herself can make that decision, and that even excludes doctors and therapists. Those people can only guide a person toward what is already inside them.

Agreed. I should have written it as a self-diagnostic.

Terri

Hi all,

On the long drive home yesterday, was getting more and more depressed. Realized I was hoping to meet death along the way -- and the chances were getting slimmer and slimmer. Haven't been praying for death (not since

bryan (imported) wrote: Tue Jun 20, 2006 4:53 am "Wake Me Up When September Ends"

made its impact), but I can still hope for death.

Had a short time of bawling last night while no one was home. Was thinking: "I'd like to take estrogen...but would it be okay?" Then the tears and groans came: "I just want to die. I am sooo tired of dealing with these conflicts." Feeling railroaded again: I don't want a second divorce, but the female gender identity makes things awkward. What's a Christian TS to do?

Would you believe I had been doing pretty well? Even enjoyed interacting with others at the main office this week. There's an attractive co-worker I previously shied away from. In the past, figured it would be best to not get too friendly since I couldn't be sure my intentions were pure. Now that I don't think of females in a sexual way, it was great being able to interact with her naturally.

Maybe the insights of June 15-16 were a breakthrough. Not spending as much time wondering how I came into this TS condition, nor taking much time to assess its depth. Acceptance is settling in: "This is who I am." There's also a sense of confidence/pride of who I am. Things like being able to listen to music at work now. Barely notice it sometimes; never could have done that before the gender shift. So, do I have a multi-tasking female brain now?

My past makes more sense now. As assorted little memories come to mind, I put them through the TS-filter and there's cohesion with the present.

Stopped taking my medications a week ago. As you recall, I take DHEA to help boost T-level and 5-HTP as an anti-depressant. Want to be my unadulterated self for the psychologist on July 18. I would have stopped anyway, just to see how things are now. I'm not thrilled with the boosted T.

I work at home and find it necessary to take significant breaks (20 minutes) in the morning and afternoon just to prayerfully process/accept who I am. Guess this has been a coping strategy.

Terri

I have been back and forth so many times with taking and not taking estrogen, just like you have switched many times the types of medications you are taking. I think it has been hard for me to suppress fully who I am, but I decided long ago that transition is not worth the hassle and not something I am going to be doing.

You already know that I will support you in whatever decision you make. You may know that many transsexuals before you have made the choice to divorce in order to pursue their needs, and that may or may not be what is right for you. Some have been lucky enough to have a spouse that will support transition, although this is rare. Others still have chosen to suppress their identities for their loved ones. Only you can decide if a lifelong suppression is something you will be able to do. Not everyone can.

If you were willing, you could probably get away with taking a very small dose of estrogen without your wife's knowledge. This is because the physical effects would not be very noticeable on such a dose. However, since you are castrated the "safe" dose would be considerably less than for an intact "man". I don't condone dishonesty in a marriage, but I realize there is a time and place for everything.

There are ways you can purchase estrogen without a prescription if this is something you would ever be willing to consider.

Hang in there and be sure to keep us updated

bryan (imported) wrote: Sat Jul 01, 2006 9:57 am Hi all,

On the long drive home yesterday, was getting more and more depressed. Realized I was hoping to meet death along the way -- and the chances were getting slimmer and slimmer. Haven't be

praying for death (not since

bryan (imported) wrote: Sat Jul 01, 2006 9:57 am 150743180]
"Wake Me Up When September Ends"

made its impact), but I can still hope for death.

Had a short time of bawling last night while no one was home. Was thinking: "I'd like to take estrogen...but would it be okay?" Then the tears and groans came: "I just want to die. I am sooo tired of dealing with these conflicts." Feeling railroaded again: I don't want a second divorce, but the female gender identity makes things awkward. What's a Christian TS to do?

Would you believe I had been doing pretty well? Even enjoyed interacting with others at the main office this week. There's an attractive co-worker I previously shied away from. In the past, figured it would be best to not get too friendly since I couldn't be sure my intentions were pure. Now that I don't think of females in a sexual way, it was great being able to interact with her naturally.

Maybe the insights of June 15-16 were a breakthrough. Not spending as much time wondering how I came into this TS condition, nor taking much time to assess its depth. Acceptance is settling in: "This is who I am." There's also a sense of confidence/pride of who I am. Things like being able to listen to music at work now. Barely notice it sometimes; never could have done that before the gender shift. So, do I have a multi-tasking female brain now?

My past makes more sense now. As assorted little memories come to mind, I put them through the TS-filter and there's cohesion with the present.

Stopped taking my medications a week ago. As you recall, I take DHEA to help boost T-level and 5-HTP as an anti-depressant. Want to be my unadulterated self for the psychologist on July 18. I would have stopped anyway, just to see how things are now. I'm not thrilled with the boosted T.

I work at home and find it necessary to take significant breaks (20 minutes) in the morning and afternoon just to prayerfully process/accept who
[/quote]
I am. Guess this has been a coping strategy.

Terri

DHEA is a precursor to Testosterone. It might not be working the same as taking Testosterone does. I tried daily tabs of DHEA and started having anxiety issues. I stopped and then during the last blood work up I was told my DHEA was in the low end. I tried taking small does every other day and didn't have all the anxiety issues. I also have not noticed much if any change.

RE: The cute coworker. If your sex drive is hitting zero it sill won't stop her from showing a sexual interest in you. You in a odd position. My opinion is this. If your feeling like Death sounds good as a Male Eunuch then making a change to female makes a lot of sense. I would talk to a Doctor and ask how she/he wants to handle the Hormone issues. Then live that way for a while and see how you do. Low hormones and mental depression seem to go hand in hand. Maybe Female levels of Estrogen, Progesterone and Testosterone will help you wake up ready to take on the day!

Hi all,

Yesterday had some rough spots. Spent the day with in-laws at a Fourth-of-July pool party. Did okay the first few hours, although mother-in-law seemed a bit standoffish. (We live together most of the time, but she has been staying at her vacation place for the last three weeks.) After awhile, it got harder and harder to keep my mind off gender. Found myself studying a nephew's chest. This nephew is a soft male, gifted verbally, writes poetry, and is universally loved. He appears to have mild gynecomastia. So I wondered if he has any gender issues. If he does, he'd probably be like the rest of us and wouldn't tell a soul.

Digression: It's very human to project our problems on others. How rare is transsexuality? Yet I was projecting it on a nephew yesterday. Some time ago, I did the same with two women at work, mentioning the possibility each had GID to my wife. She cut things short saying I shouldn't "insult" them that way. Was left dumbfounded, thinking, "I don't consider it an insult." That day, my wife let slip what she really thinks about people with GID.

In the pool, death came to mind a few times. Was thinking, "These folks probably enjoy life. I, on the other hand, would just like to disappear from the scene. Don't want to be the first divorce in this family. Even at this pool party, I'm miserable." Just wanted to cry.

As the party wore on, folks divided by gender. Was straddling both groups so I could participate in each. Proved too strainful after awhile so just went indoors and played the piano. That was a pleasant oasis. Also enjoyed the times when I played with my son one-on-one with Legos.

Which gets me thinking: In the past, I've usually socialized best in very small groups, with one-on-one friendships being the best. Mixed groups were fine, but not the norm. When it was a group of guys, I wasn't interested. The smaller the group, the less gender is involved.

Quote of the Day: Saw this at BeginningLife.com in reply to someone's decision to transition:

Congratulations on taking the first steps to a continued existence on this Earth. You see, that's what the literature says. What our common experience says. You have a 3-way choice: Transition, Institutionalisation, or Death. There is no fourth alternative.

* * *

Why do I write diary entries like today's? To chronicle what GID can be like in the time period after recognition/acceptance and before the decision to transition. Life is uncomfortable and stunted.

TS's are called selfish for their decision to "wreck their family" and transition. Therefore, let this diary illustrate the turmoil (and helplessness) which precedes a decision to transition. You know what my GID feels like? Like the end of a game where some moves are still left to be played out, but the conclusion is certain: the other player wins. I would prefer to resign from the game rather than go though the moves. Since we aren't allowed to resign from the game, we have to do what we have to do.

Still waiting to see what July 15th will bring. As you recall, any "life moves" have been put on hold until then. A few days later I'll be visiting a psychologist.

Terri