I was going to add the word 'quick' before 'update' in the title. Then I smiled to myself. Often I intend to be brief and am anything but.

A month or more ago, I wrote about how dissatisfied I was with my career. Several thoughtful people responded. Then I did a quick turn around and said everything was totally fine, after all. Really!

It's not. I discussed my unhappiness with several friends this weekend. These are the poor souls who are forced to listen to my complaining from time to time. I'm still struggling to find out what I want to be when I grow up.

With my very close Minnesota woman friend, I shared career feelings I have never shared with anyone. She has long advocated I remain in my current career. After we spoke this weekend, she changed her mind.

I do need to be strong during this time. Please keep in mind that I really have little choice in holding to this attitude. I'm merely doing what I must. I admit, though, that over the last few months and for the first time in my life I feel - darn near totally capable of making my way in the world and succeeding in the ways that I wish. The rub comes in with figuring out what I want to do or, perhaps more accurately, how to accomplish career and other goals that fit my life. I do not expect to get to where I want to be immediately.

It still helps to have friends who will patiently listen, on occasion, to my doubts and concerns. They are true gems, spending time with this sometimes cranky, petulant, whiny close to 59-year old. Seriously, I am blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. Including many here who write now and then.

Fortunately, I accept that I can 'let my hair down' and simply be who I am at the moment with friends. At times, I feel a bit anxious and confused.

I take some comfort from a movie, of all things, that portrays a very strong woman who has her own moments of doubt and insecurity. At times, she even whines in a convincing imitation of me! The movie is the HBO miniseries "Elizabeth I" starring Helen Mirren, one of my favorite actresses.

After I saw the miniseries, I read a number of biographies on Elizabeth, the Virgin Queen (well, cleverly marketed as a virgin wedded to the State of England while having a series of lovers on the side - I'm getting off track, as usual.) She was a fascinating woman who, biographers agree, certainly had her own weaknesses. I have no desire or aptitude let alone the opportunity to achieve all she did. The point is, she often did what she had to do to survive in circumstances MUCH more difficult than mine. She still complained at times, or wished her life were different. She could be quite petulant and unreasonably demanding of herself and others. Just like me, she had to push through her own weaknesses and doubts to get to where she knew she had to be.

More on the career, and the reasons I feel I must get out of this line of work if at all possible, another time. For now, I'll say that in the past I've succeeded at making some fairly nifty life changes. Not that they've all been easy.

If I can continue in the same job type I'm in now until mid-April, I'll be happy. This will very likely be the case. If, by some chance, I gain at least an entry into an alternate career field before April, all the better.

So I will be extraordinarily busy over the next few weeks at my current job and investigating new opportunities in more than one career field. What fun! It will all be worth it in the end.

'X' - a touchy subject today. What happened may signal the end of our relationship. Briefly (yeah, right, you say), he behaved in an appalling manner, in a fairly loud voice in a public place. A church, no less. I will not repeat here some of the things he said that others heard. What he said had nothing to do with me. I warned him that he was upsetting me and not behaving well. If he continued I would leave the church early. He did not 'cease and desist' so I left the sanctuary in tears. I did wait for him in my car so he would not be stranded after he sat through the rest of the service alone. I was over the tears many hours ago.

When he returned to the car after the service, he tried to tell me that his behavior was no big deal. I responded that he was dismissing my feelings, never a good thing to do with anyone. I added that what happened involved one of my core values and this was a very big deal. We had a talk about the whole thing as I drove him back to his car. He was going to treat me to breakfast but, after the scene in church, I told him no thanks.

Our relationship has been making big strides. I understand what prompted his behavior in church, but I do not condone it. He's old enough to know that there are times to keep his thoughts to himself. I do not know how this will end.

I told him that, if he wants to see our relationship continue, he needs to regain my respect and remain sensitive to my feelings. How he does this, if he chooses to, is up to him. I let him know getting my respect back absolutely does not involve buying me something. At least for now, I'm not at all upset over things.

You seem to have your life together, Danya...You know how to stand up for yourself....Good luck sweety..smooches dragonfly

butterflyjack (imported) wrote: Tue Nov 30, 2010 7:13 am You seem to have your life together, Danya...You know how to stand up for yourself....Good luck sweety..smooches dragonfly

Thanks, Dragonfly. After the incident at church, I let 'X' mull over things for a day. Then I had a long talk with him. The thing is, I think I have a fair understanding of why, at times, he behaves in a not very appropriate fashion. He agrees with what my take on this. I have a lot of empathy for him. At the same time, I do not have unlimited patience.

My boss extended my contract for a short two weeks. This will carry me through the end of the year. This is a good thing. It may mean that she will extend it into next year once the the 2011 budget is finalized. Whatever happens, I will work things out.

I'm backing off my frenetic job search for now. It's too stressful after a long work day and commute. My dear friend Erica Ann let me know I need to be careful that I do not overdo things. Not only is it too stressful, it can be bad for my health and relationships. She is absolutely correct. Erica Ann is one of the people who knows me very well.

Even now at the holidays, recruiters are calling me every day. They are still the ones initiating contact.

Every one of them tells me hiring has improved dramatically in my career area. Several suggested that, since my boss extended the contract through year end, she will likely extend it further. This is the way things often go with contract jobs.

Recruiters are also saying that many companies have projects planned for 2011. They need to interview people now to bring them on board in January.

Most of the jobs I am getting calls on now are permanent positions. This is in marked contrast to the situation in March, when I moved to Illinois. Back then, contract positions far outnumbered permanent placements.

As for career options, despite my misgivings I will stay with my current job type for now. Part of my dissatisfaction comes from continuing job uncertainty and negative feelings from dealing with a very difficult boss. I don't want to "throw the baby out with the bath water." At least not until my life is more settled and I can examine my situation from a very clear, and realistic, viewpoint.

I've discussed my job dissatisfaction a number of times with my roommate. I have also told her I do not want to rush into a career change decision. She has come to the conclusion that once I see an open path before me, for a career or something else, I will take action to make it happen. I saw my HRT doctor this evening and he said the same thing. Somehow, people pick this up.

I had a job interview this morning, with a recruiter, for a permanent job in the suburbs. The interview went well. As I have learned over the last 16 months, though, it is very hard to predict how these things will turn out.

A company in Connecticut is interested in me, too. This was another situation of a recruiter initiating contact with me. If a phone interview goes well, they will pay travel expenses for me to meet with them in person. This surprised me.

Unless I get a definitive 'no' on a further contract extension, I will continue to sit back and let the recruiters come to me.

Hi Danya...You mention HRT therapy...What does that entail with you?

Connecticut, huh....I live not too far from there...Nice state...

smooches dragonfly

butterflyjack (imported) wrote: Fri Dec 03, 2010 5:39 am Hi Danya...You mention HRT therapy...What does that entail with you?

Connecticut, huh....I live not too far from there...Nice state...

smooches dragonfly

Hi Dragonfly,

I'm taking 10 mg of estradiol per day. Estradiol is the dominant estrogen hormone in women. I also take a testosterone suppressant, spironolactone. I spoke with my doctor about switching from estradiol pills to injections. We'll likely go that route after I get my latest blood work results next week. We may also increase the estradiol dose.

I haven't heard anything more about the Connecticut job, but I still may.

On the way home from work this evening, I got a call from a recruiter about a contract job in Northbrook, a northern suburb. It's only a short drive from there to the Chicago Botanic Garden.

I wrote my boss an email today asking for an update on future contract extensions. Sounds like she'll speak with me tomorrow about this. I need information to plan my next steps.

In the time since I asked her if she would prefer that I leave, several weeks ago, she has remained remarkably pleasant. My question was in response to all of her complaints. She immediately, I mean at that moment, changed the way she interacts with me and that has not changed. Perhaps an alien now inhabits her body.

My guess is the boss knows how valuable you are, and found out you'll tell her to shove it, if she persists in her bitchiness towards you.

I've been seriously considering the Spiro/ Estradiol route...There's a legitimate reason...I'll be able to pee properly again, I understand this regimen of anti-androgen and female hormone takes care of a swollen prostate...I'll be able to shitcan the Avodart and Tamsulosin ( generic Flo-Max)...Hey...I heard it makes you feel really good too..Sleep better...I can't seem to get a good nights sleep..haven't for a long time...It'd be nice to have my gonads shrink up a little and become useless...I'll feel pretty, oh so pretty....hehe smooches dragonfly

My contract, which was extended through the end of this year, will not be extended further. My boss told me that the current workload is not high enough. I agree. Coincidentally, while she told me the news in a conference room, a recruiter left a message on my cell phone. It was about yet another opportunity.

Having the contract renewed would have decreased my short-term job uncertainty, and assured income for a time. I am relieved it was not. Simply because my boss has been so difficult to work with. She has been treating me better, but when I hear her on the phone it is clear she is as difficult as ever. I have still felt that I need to tip toe around her.

I have been the lead on two projects entirely outside of her group. These are the only tasks I have thoroughly enjoyed. For both, I was given all the information I requested. Everyone involved treated me well. For both of these projects, I received compliments on my enthusiasm and the quality of my results. One of these is still in progress and a I led a review session today. I enjoyed it. This type of experience tells me that I can not only do well in this career but get some fulfillment, too.

On projects within my boss's group that required heavy interactions with other groups, I have also received praise. From people in the other groups.

There is not a single time when I have received more than a curt "thank you" from within my boss's group. The one exception was my young mentor/friend who left for another permanent job about two months ago. He valued my work and told me so. He also defended me to our boss.

I have learned a lot of new things with this contract position, and as several recruiters have told me, being able to list my work for this company on my resume will be a very good thing.

Another very good thing is that I have made friends at the office.

When I left work today, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Where does this leave me? Certainly I need to find another job as soon as possible. Preferably one that will start before year end or in early January.

While I am getting calls from recruiters on nearly a daily basis, I can no longer count on that method for landing another job. I also need to actively search for new opportunities. There are a lot of openings even now, at the holidays, because companies want to bring on people for projects budgeted for the new year.

I also need to be mindful of what I can reasonably accomplish as I continue my current job. There are limits on my time. I cannot afford to be overly stressed. I need to continue to eat well and get enough sleep. I also need to allow time for fun.

My natural tendency is to expect a lot from myself. I earned my PhD in my forties, working on it full time while I held down a demanding full-time research job. I managed by realizing when I'd had enough of studying or research. Even if an exam were a few days off, if I was feeling stressed I would take the night off. I might take more than one night off. Or I'd take a vacation day.

I also kept the relationship with my ex-spouse on center stage. We still had plenty of time for long talks and spending fun time together.

By carefully balancing work, studies and other parts of my life I made it through the six years it took to earn this degree. Over nearly the entire time, I enjoyed myself. Only in the last six months, when I was finishing my dissertation, did I wonder if the process would ever end.

My first of three episodes of post-traumatic stress, a result of being assaulted five years earlier, occurred in the middle of my PhD program. I worked through this PTS episode by making some very positive things happen. So for a time, I was working on this degree full-time, working a full-time job and basically working a full-time one person local campaign to increase awareness on a certain issue I may discuss another time.

This period was one of the most fulfilling of my life. I was an activist. I spoke to church groups, Tough Love meetings and civic organizations. I regularly worked with the mayor's office of the southern city where we were living. I also had direct and frequent contacts with someone high up in the city's public school system. I got a story aired on the local TV station. I knew beyond a doubt that I was making a difference. People were telling me I needed to continue doing this type of thing.

Somehow, I also managed to continue playing the pipe organ fairly regularly throughout this period.

When I am passionate about something, or someone, I will do whatever I can to advance my case.

As I look for another job, I will keep in mind what I have been able to accomplish before. It was only within the last weeks that I gave any thought to the activist role I once so happily filled. This may be a path I can follow again. If not now, down the road.

I'm writing all of this to remind myself of what I can do when I am passionate about my work. What I am writing is all for me, folks. This is how I work through where I'm at and what I need to do.

For a time, 'X' thought I spoke about such things to impress him. He knows better now. All I am doing with him is sharing who I am. I am totally comfortable with him so I want him to know what matters to me. That's all I am doing here, in a way that also helps me. At times, I need to remind myself of who I am - if that makes sense.

After 6 1/2 months, 'X' knows that I value who he is and what he has accomplished in life. For a time, he wondered what I could possibly see in him. As far as I know, he no longer concerns himself over this. He understands that I appreciate him for exactly who he is. If at times his behavior is out of line (people I speak with all agree with me when I explain what happend ), I am not ready to give up on him. That's because he brings me a type of happiness I have never experienced before. I also have some understanding of where he is coming from.

I do not mind when he tells me "Shut up and kiss me." In fact, I laugh. I do tend to talk a lot since I transitioned. Just look at the length of this post.

Danya,

Sorry to hear about your job situation. Is there a possibility for you to get an assignment in another department in the present company?

Danya,

Mac (imported) wrote: Sat Dec 04, 2010 10:16 pm Sorry to hear about your job situation. Is there a possibility for you to get an assignment in another department in the present company?

Hi Mac,

I am not sorry about my job situation , although I appreciate your kind comment. Something could yet work out at my present company. Time will tell.

If I do not post anything for awhile, it is because I am very busy on my job search. I'm also allowing time to reflect on what I really would want in a job and how I might make that happen.

Besides, after my last post I may have finished the process of sharing just about everything there is to know about me. Until this evening, I wanted to keep much of that information to myself. I have only shared the details of how I dealt with Post Traumatic Stress with a few people and not to this extent with anyone for the last 15 years or so. Partly because it tends to drag up powerful emotions from when I was assaulted. That did not happen tonight. For the first time, I could write about this without crying. This is a very good sign.

At a minimum, I will post updates when something significant happens

Danya (imported) wrote: Sun Nov 07, 2010 9:31 pm . I am confident everything will

work out. I am not changing my plans for Gender Reassignment Surgery in April.

Hugs,

Danya