cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 25, 2013 9:58 pm OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG, DAY

EIGHTEEN:

Well, as of today it has now officially been exactly 2 weeks since I started on estrogen, and 2 and a half weeks on chem castration. And finally today, I got to make my official 2-week update video! So since I spent all day yesterday whining about my own emotional problems, today let's focus on the physical changes! Because today I once again have an actual physical comparison to look back on, my week 1 and week 0 videos, so now I can actually compare side-to-side, and see EXACTLY what is looking different rather than just speculating. (It's actually really hard to see the differences on a day-to-day basis now...)

And may I say, WOW!!! What a difference two weeks makes. Watching those introduction videos that I made back on January 8th, now it's actually kind of hard to look at. God, I HATE the way that I look in them. Everything looks so big, and so grossly out-of-proportion, that it makes me say "ugh" out loud. Huge chin, huge midsection, absolutely TERRIBLE massive forehead and eyebrows, rectangular and triangular shapes all over, grossly huge fatty upper arms, the list goes on. I can barely watch those videos because of how much I hate the way that I look. And although there were a few minor changes in my week 1 video (I had only been on estrogen for 4 days at that point,) the only real change was mental... I was SO much happier in that video. Smiling more, laughing more, cracking more jokes, much more positive and upbeat. But as far as physical changes, pretty much nothing to speak of.

But this week two video... oh, God, the changes are simply AMAZING!!! Here's the list of things that I saw:

1. My midsection has REALLY pinched in. In both of the first two videos, there was a very round shape to my lower midsection, while now it is actually starting to look like the beginnings of a figure. I definitively have a waist now, and the parts right under my bust have REALLY shrunk, to the point that they actually look almost normal instead of grossly out-of-proportion. Also, the 40B bra that I bought a long time ago now actually fits comfortably instead of digging into my back. This is a HUGE plus. I ALWAYS hated the fattiness in my midsection, especially on my back, and it really made me look grossly masculine. That is definitely changing now.

2. The fatty parts of my chin have really shrunk. In my intro video, my chin just looked grossly out-of-proportion with the rest of my face, and there was a lot of fat there, while now it has noticeably slimmed, and actually looks reasonably balanced with my nose and my eyes now. The bottom of my face isn't so blocky anymore, it's getting more triangular in shape.

3. My eyebrows have REALLY lifted up. I definitely was not expecting this, but it's 100% true. My eyebrows in my intro video were massive and muscular, and just seemed to bury my eyes under themselves. While now, they have both lifted up a LOT. The muscles in the middle section between the brows has relaxed, making me look much less like I'm constantly scowling or upset, the midbrow has lifted up to form more of an arch shape

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Sun Jan 20, 2013 11:56 pm rather than being flat, and the

ends of the brows have lifted up too. This just makes my eyes look SO much more open, and has again helped to balance out my face so that the focus is not on the chin and the brow, now it's on the midface where my eyes and nose and cheeks are. And I LOVE everything about this change.

4. My cheek area, especially the parts just below my cheekbones, have gotten rounder and smoother. Looking at my cheeks from an angled view in the intro video, there was kind of like a square shape there, where there was like a gap between my cheek bones and the top of my smile. But now, the same side view shows a very smooth curve there, where the cheek bone blends in to a full cheek that keeps arcing gracefully down until it reaches the top of my smile. It looks SO much better! As a result, my entire face looks a whole lot brighter when I smile.

5. My skin has definitely feminized. In the intro video, and the week 1 video, my skin still looked very masculine. But now it looks a bit lighter in both color and tone, and the muscles underneath now show up much less underneath it, which makes everything look a bit smoother and creamier.

6. My nipples have definitely gotten MUCH bigger. I noticed the conical shape starting, but I hadn't really noticed any change in diameter before, where now I definitely was able to see a big change in diameter when I compared today's video to the others. They're at least 20%-30% bigger when compared to the previous 2 videos.

7. My upper arms have definitely shrunk. In the "pre" video, and the week 1 video, I really hated the way that my upper arms looked. And although I am still a LONG way from being satisfied with how they look (they are pretty much the primary thing keeping me from looking feminine right now when I'm in feminine clothes,) they have certainly gotten much better-looking than the huge fatty bulky monstrosities that I started out with.

8. My hips look just a smidgen bigger,especially around the bottom of the sides of my stomach area. This was not a very big change, so maybe they only look that way because of all the weight I am losing off of my midsection, but my hips and butt definitely look a bit more pronounced now. My measurements there haven't changed there all that much, (just like 0.25 inches,) so it could just be the contrast, but hey, it definitely looks better.

One other big change was that my presentation of myself, including the way I talk and the way I gesture, has REALLY changed as well. In the "pre" videos, there was a sense of heaviness and weight to everything that I did, and it was really obvious that I was embarrassed by my own body. You could tell that I was desperate for a change with every single body part that I pointed out. In the week 1 video, I was really upbeat and positive, but there was still that "heaviness" to my motions. But when I did the video today, my presentation of myself, by comparison, seemed as light as a feather! I smiled so much more, and my tone of voice was much softer, and I giggled a lot, and my motions were smoother, and everything about the way that I moved and talked felt lighter, more of a "sweet" personality rather than an excited one or a tough one. And perhaps most important of all, for the first time I looked confident. I was actually happy about showing things off, and not so embarrassed or scared anymore. (Needless to say, I REALLY like this! I actually have enjoyed re-watching the clothes trial video that I did earlier today, because I think some of the little unconscious gestures that I did were actually kind of cute.)

So, yeah, seeing the physical progress of feminization always puts me in an amazing mood. So I felt great all day today, and more convicted than ever that I want this feminization to be permanent. I'm liking myself more and more with every single day, and gaining more confidence with every single day. I spent almost the entire day walking around the house in a skirt, smiling with just about every passing second, and I probably spent a good hour of time posing in front of the mirror in varying intervals, because I liked the way that I looked and felt in it so much.

So YAY! This was a great day! (And by the way, the discussion that I had here yesterday about the relationship issue helped me IMMENSELY. Now that I knew where my anger was coming from, I apologized to Jenny, and promised her that I would include her in all aspects of my life instead of shoving her away when I was feeling feminine. So now I have complete permission to work on my female voice and dress in a skirt even when she's around. And it feels much better, and we were right back to being best friends again.)

-Here's to a happy future! Everything's looking up again, and I can't wait for the feminization to continue! (sigh... how many more months until I can pass?)

And now, to finish out this entry, here's a picture of me officially wearing a skirt for the first time. (No makeup or hair or anything, though, and just a very casual skirt with a t-shirt, so this is by no means an attempt at an official "girl mode" yet, but I just liked the way that it looked.)

http://i45.tinypic.com/20f51ko.jpg

Don't feel stupid...TALK to her...Give her a kiss...smooches Jackie

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 25, 2013 9:58 pm OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG, DAY

NINETEEN:

So, it has been quite a while since I've had any significant emotional changes or mental progression to report. But today I noticed something really big. So here goes. This is quite an interesting one.

Today while I was at work, I was randomly studying a lot of the female employees because I wanted to learn more about certain things like how they walked, and just what made a leg look feminine, and whatnot. And all of a sudden, I realized something: I was studying them like an academic. There was pretty much no emotional reaction whatsoever. The kind of emotional reaction that I'm talking about, is the kind that's tied with adult sexuality. When you see feminine beauty as a heterosexual adult, there's such a happy and pleasurable reaction. You don't just see beautiful hair or beautiful eyes, it absolutely inspires you, making you feel like writing poetry about shimmering golden wheat fields and the deepest pools of crystal blue water, and your heart feels like it's enveloped in a beautiful soft cloud. The beauty doesn't just make you stop and think "wow, she's beautiful," her looks are so pleasurable that they make you glad to be alive, and want to thank her for making the world a more beautiful place just by existing. Well, as of today, I noticed that I could NOT feel that kind of feeling anymore. Toward either gender. I just didn't have an emotional reaction to the way that anyone looked anymore. The whole of that adult sexual feeling, where the beauty that you are seeing really affects you emotionally, has now pretty much gone away completely.

If you ask me, this is REALLY cool! I legitimately feel like I'm twelve years old again, back before I understood what sex was. There was a "magic moment" that I had when I was about fourteen years old, where all of a sudden I "got it." Suddenly, for the first time, I felt that sense of pleasure from looking at girls, and I finally understood why men seemed so obsessed with women, and were always ogling over their beauty. At the time, I had never felt such a pleasure in my entire life. It felt like the whole world was opening up before me. And now for the first time in 13 years or more, that natural pleasure-reaction to seeing women everywhere was no longer there. It's actually really funny. It's like seeing gender from the eyes of a child again. I no longer see gender segregated in terms of the "beautiful gender that I love looking at" and "the other guys," I just see people. Gender seems much more incidental now. I notice women's breasts, and men's muscles, and women's vaginas, and men's penises, but none of those things really has any sort of emotional impact on me anymore... I still notice the differences, and the differences still fascinate me, but there's just no emotional reaction to any of them whatsoever. They don't inspire me. They're just kind of there.

You know, this is genuinely the first time during this entire trial that I actually feel like I've lost something. Because although I've always hated the physical aspects of having an adult sex-drive, that perception of female beauty is indeed a big pleasure. It fills you with happiness when you see a pretty girl, and her smile just makes you feel so good inside. And now that pleasure is gone. It is indeed a bit of a sacrifice to go back to a more childlike state of existence in this regard. You REALLY get used to getting pleasure from looking at the gender you're attracted to, so it really does feel weird when that happiness no longer exists anymore. It's a trade-off. Beauty is a BIG pleasure. It fills your whole being with light and inspiration, and just makes you feel great all over. While in a more childlike state of pleasure, the things that make you happy aren't as big, but there's a lot more of them. You start noticing the little details in everything around you, and feeling inspired by those things, instead of the "big" emotional reactions from beauty. And your default state of existence becomes happier. You look forward to things more, and simple little pleasures like food and music and singing and humor become WAY more meaningful. Personally, I absolutely love it. THIS is where I have always been my happiest... just appreciating all of the little details in life. And when I gained the immense pleasure that comes from attraction, I also lost the constant little pleasures that made me happy all the time as a kid. And now for the first time again, all of those little pleasures are coming back to me again. And my default emotional state just feels happy because it feels like there are so many things in this world that I love exploring, and I find them all fascinating. For example, yesterday night I watched an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, and it wasn't even the funniest one I've seen, and yet I laughed through the ENTIRE episode, uproariously. I haven't gotten that much pleasure from laughing since I first watched "Homeward Bound" as a kid. It's that same kind of giggly laughter where it just makes you feel happy all over, and nothing else mattered. And today at work, I still felt giggly. I came dangerously close to cracking up right in the middle of one of my poker tables because I was still remembering quotes from the episode last night. I used to do this ALL THE TIME as a kid. I ALWAYS randomly cracked up out of nowhere because I kept remembering funny lines from movies, and the simplest little jokes got me cracking up. And now for the first time since childhood, that feeling is back.

So, now I really must say that it's official, after 2 weeks and 4 days on androcur and finasteride, I am now finally officially confident that my testosterone levels have dropped by a significant amount. Because again, I recognize this feeling, and I haven't felt it since I was about twelve years old, right as puberty was just beginning to start. There were some sexual thoughts maybe starting to appear, but I really didn't "get it" yet. And I still totally obsessed over stuff and found the simplest little things to be hilarious. Plus I had a REALLY strong hot-flash today, which hadn't happened for several days now, so once again hormone levels are definitely on the decline.

And because I now finally have confidence that my T levels are dropping, I can now say for 100% certain that my transsexual feelings have NOTHING to do with my sex drive whatsoever. Because while I was completely unable to feel any sort of emotional pleasure from looking at women, the pleasure that I got from looking in the mirror at myself, and seeing all of the feminizing that's taking place, was just as amazing as ever. I smiled so brightly when I looked and actually LIKED my face, and imagined myself in full girl-mode with a wig and clothes and everything. And now I know for sure, this pleasure of seeing myself as feminine is a completely different pleasure than what was related to my attraction to women sexually. Because while one has now gone away almost completely with my hormones, the other has only gotten stronger and stronger. Because I didn't really develop significant transsexual thoughts until about age 13, it had always been tied up with my natural attraction toward girls and my adult sex drive. But now for the first time in 14 years, the sex drive is gone, and as such I have finally had a chance to see if the two are connected or separate. And now I know for sure that they are completely separate. Even when I don't have a natural happy reaction to real women's faces, I still feel unfathomably happy when I look in the mirror and see my own face becoming more feminine. Even when I really don't feel happy when I look at women's curves, I still feel unfathomably happy looking in the mirror and seeing ME actually starting to get a figure.

So, yeah. I feel AWESOME right now.

(And yes, this new state of existence is a trade-off. In order to gain this childlike state of wonderment, you lose something that is VERY enjoyable. And as such, for the first time in this log, I am going to throw out a word of caution to everyone: this is NOT for everyone. The question is, how much do you count on your sex drive to bring you happiness? What times in your life make you feel the most emotionally fulfilled? If those moments involve sex, involve the pleasure that you get from imagining love, from looking at beauty, and from romantic moments, than maybe a chem-castration regiment is NOT for you. You've been warned. Because those thoughts are almost all completely dependent on adult hormone levels. And when they finally start to drop significantly, suddenly that huge source of emotional pleasure, the thing that many feel gives their entire life purpose, will suddenly be gone. And it's quite a shock when it's suddenly gone. It's actually kind of hard to remember how you used to live life before you really emotionally understood the significance of sex. It leaves a gaping hole there. And I can tell that this kind of gaping hole could lead MANY people into terrible depression, where it suddenly feels like their life has no purpose anymore. I myself, however, REALLY loved life when I was still a kid. And I've been missing that kind of sensation for years. So for me, feeling more pleasure from all of the little things in life is a BIG net positive, something that more than offsets the loss of the immense pleasure from adult sexuality. Such that I'm actually feeling MUCH happier now, much more able to enjoy life. But again, I was NEVER comfortable as an adult. My sexual thoughts, although pleasurable,

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 17, 2013 4:18 pm always felt like a foreign invader

to me. So I am MORE than happy to finally be rid of them, and back in a more childlike state of existence. I have missed this feeling SO much for the last decade and a half. But again, this is NOT for everyone. Be forewarned, there is serious potential for depression at stake here. So before anyone else decides to do this, make sure that you're willing to give up your adult sexuality COMPLETELY. Because chances are, it will not survive, and all of the pleasure that comes with it will be gone too. So ask yourself, where will you find happiness in life without it? If you don't know the answer, reconsider even trying it. Because once it's gone, it will also take a LONG time to come back, because the drugs do not wear off quickly. It could be weeks or even months before that pleasure returns.)

Needless to say, this was a VERY cool day, and I legitimately feel like I'm 12 years old again. Really cool, and reinforced my decision to remain on chem-castration forever. Plus EVERY single aspect of the feminization that's happening is still making me feel like a million bucks. This is the most AMAZING thing I have ever done in my entire life!!! Why didn't I try it sooner?

-Here's to lots of love, lots of childlike play and wonderment, and a lifetime ahead of enjoying the simple pleasures in life!

(Side Note 1: I am now officially in total freak-out mode over HRT shipment #2. It is STILL not here, the tracking information STILL just says "origin post is preparing to dispatch," and the first of my last 2 estrogen patches is due to come off tomorrow, with the other only 2 days behind. The clock has run out, so it's looking more and more likely that I'm going to be without estrogen for a few days while I'm waiting for the new shipment. I don't know what's taking so long, but I'm really scared about it. Maybe it's because I chose for the package to be with the signature-required tracking method? The first two I just had sent no-tracking no-signature, and they both arrived within 12 days. So in my panic tonight, I actually ordered another shipment, this time once again unregistered, to ensure that I'll at least get something within the next 2 weeks. As of this evening, I have exactly 12 pills of androcur left. So now that my T levels are definitely dropping fast, I'm thinking of cutting my dosage of androcur temporarily from 100 mg/day to 50 mg/day so that I can make the rest of this first batch last another 12 days (guaranteeing that I won't run out by the time one of the new shipments gets here,) rather than sticking with the full dose, which is only 6 days' worth, and risk going 6 days or more with no T-blockers whatsoever if the new shipment doesn't arrive promptly. I REALLY do not want to go back off of t-blockers. EVER. As much as I wish I didn't have to, I can live without estrogen for a while. But the thought of getting T back in any degree, and experiencing that sexual frustration and masculinity and "dull grey drear" state of mind again, is simply out of the question. I NEVER want to feel that way again, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep the T levels low.)

(Side Note 2: On a more positive note, I received notification from the Amphigory wig store that they officially shipped my package this morning. So that means that within the next 2-3 days, I will finally officially be able to have a "girl mode," complete with clothes, hair and all. [I'll post pictures, of course...] I'm REALLY excited about that. And with my face becoming increasingly feminine, I really feel like I'm going to look really feminine with the wigs on. Here's hoping!!!)

Its probably better to order at least a 90 days supply at a time. Especially if you are sure you plan to continue. Its more economical pricing, and you don't have to worry about running out all the time. Plus you can re-order say at 2 months to ensure a buffer.

Interesting about the woman thing...I remember even pre-puberty being affected by beautiful women. At least female faces that were beautiful with long hair. Just always something mesmerizing about a beautiful face to me.

Good luck on the shipments.

The real problem is just that it took me a whole 2 weeks to figure out how to get the estrogen patches to stay on. This was originally only a one-month trial, so I didn't order a second-month's supply until a few days after I went on E for the first time and was finally sure that I wanted to continue. At the time, I thought that I had all the time in the world because I still had at least 3 weeks left before I ran out of supplies. But then I burned through my entire supply of estrogen, which was supposed to last for a whole month, in only 2 weeks, because the patches kept falling off after only 3 or 4 days instead of lasting a whole week. So that's where the problem happened. And it meant that any delivery delay and I was screwed. Well, now I've got a delivery delay, and now I'm SOL for the next few days. Now that I'm planning on sticking with it, though, I will indeed be ordering much more at a time.

Also, sadly, I'm already feeling the effects this morning. Patch #1 out of these final two has now officially been on for a whole week, which means that it is out of E, and patch #2 is at the end of its life, having been on for 5 days now, so I'm pretty much getting no E at all right now. And already, I don't feel as feminine as usual. It's a real bummer after a whole week of this amazing new normal where I was just constantly feeling extremely feminine.

Wolf-Pup (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 28, 2013 1:42 am Interesting about the woman thing...I remember even pre-puberty being affected by beautiful women. At least female faces that were beautiful with long hair. Just always something mesmerizing about a beautiful face to me.

And I do still enjoy seeing these things. But it's in the same way that I used to as a kid... I can recognize beauty, and I do enjoy it, but it just doesn't have the same amazingly-happy and poetically-inspired feeling that I've gotten used to having as an adult. It feels more like a logical "yup, that's a pretty girl over there, and she looks nice," rather than an "OMG, she's beautiful!" where just looking at her makes me feel happy all over, and I can't look away.

I've been following this thread for some time, and I would like to say how excited I am for you! It is nice to see that so far the journey you are undertaking has made you so happy. I would like to offer my best wishes as you continue. I hope that everything the future brings makes you just as happy!

I know that you are taking E on your own, and I wanted to point out that it may be easier than you think to get E from a doctor. I think others have mentioned this as well, but I just wanted to say that from my experience it does not have to be an endocrinologist, and it does not have to be an official clinic designed for this purpose. Back when I was taking E, I found numerous primary care physicians willing to prescribe E to me just by my going in and asking for it. No letter from a therapist required. Many doctors are not aware of this requirement, and even if they are, not all believe it is necessary. The cost of labwork was a concern for me as well, but I have found doctors who are understanding when you explain your financial circumstances and will work with you on labwork.

That being said, I can understanding taking E on your own, as I did it for a long time myself. I think that if you are young and healthy, there is probably not much to worry about in the way of serious health problems resulting from taking E as long as you are taking normal dosages (but of course I am not a medical professional, so I wouldn't take that seriously).

You have already experienced a taste of one of the bigger consequences of taking E on your own. Your supply of E could disappear at any time. You are dependent on a company in another country to deliver it to you. I ordered from this same company when I took E on my own, and the average delivery time was 7-10 days. It never took longer than two weeks. If something happens to your order, you go without E. Fortunately you no longer have to worry about customs seizing your order (at least that was still the case last time I checked), but other things can happen. One thing I used to noticed with Inhouse is that they would sometimes discontinue products out of nowhere. You could go to place your order one day and see a message saying the product has been discontinued (I believe it said something along those lines).

If you were getting E prescribed by a doctor, you would have far fewer worries about supply issues!

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 25, 2013 9:58 pm OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG, DAY

TWENTY:

You know

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Sun Jan 20, 2013 11:56 pm , I really don't have much to say today.

Other than that this day was absolutely INCREDIBLE. I know I've talked about how amazing it is to look in the mirror and actually like what I see, but I really don't feel like I've captured the full scope of it yet. So here goes:

Today, when I was looking in the mirror before work, I REALLY started to love what I was seeing. My skin tone is evening out all over, and my whole body looks smoother and more shapely, less muscular, more contoured, and I'm shrinking like there's no tomorrow in the waist area. Heck, I'd even go so far as to say that my body is starting to almost look more androgynous than masculine. It's almost looking like I'm a boy who never went through puberty. And for the first time in FIFTEEN YEARS, I actually LIKE what I see in the mirror again! Oh, God, I have not had this kind of a sense of self, a sense that "yes, this is me, and I like who I am," for my ENTIRE adult life. And now it's here again!!! I just can't believe it. Every day I am liking the way that I look more and more. With every single step of feminization, for the first time ever I'm feeling like my body is starting to match my mind again. After FIFTEEN YEARS of hating the way that I looked, and feeling completely powerless and hopeless to do anything about it, and being able to see absolutely NO hope of this ever getting better, suddenly everything has changed.

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Sat Jan 19, 2013 11:55 pm I'm actually starting to like the way that I look,

and I feel like there's nothing but wonderful things ahead, and I'm filled with so much hope and brightness as I'm looking into the future that it's unfathomable. FIFTEEN YEARS of hating the way that I was aging and changing, FIFTEEN YEARS of being hopeless, and now suddenly it's FINALLY going in a direction that I absolutely love, and FINALLY I am no longer powerlessly trapped in a body I hate! YAY!!! OMIGOD, SO MUCH YAY!!!!

So can you imagine what it's like to feel that kind of a feeling? It's like being released from an absolute prison. For the first time in my ENTIRE adult life, I'm no longer trapped inside of a body that I hate. For the first time since I was TWELVE years old, I can look at parts of my own body in the mirror and actually smile. God. It's just the single most AMAZING feeling ever!

I was feeling that all day. I don't think I've EVER been in as good of a mood as I was today. I was just unfathomably happy, constantly smiling, constantly feeling like there was such a brightness in my soul that I couldn't even contain it. That is what my day was like. AMAZING!!! And these feelings are only getting better and better with every single day, and every single step of feminization.

Aside from that, the only real change of emotional state that I feel the need to say something about today is that for some reason over the last 3 days or so, suddenly comedy is having more of an impact on me. I did love to laugh as a guy, but this... this just takes it to a whole other level. Today at my poker tables, there were a couple of absolute characters, the type who are always cracking jokes and always finding amusing things to say and do to get people to smile. And I have NEVER smiled so brightly in my entire life. For some reason, anything funny has had this kind of effect on me over the last few days. It's not just that I laugh and smile, it feels like a bomb of happiness explodes inside of me every single time I laugh. The pleasure that I get from laughing now is just unfathomable. I break out giggling and laughing like a little school girl, and feel so happy inside. And that happiness doesn't fade away, it just stays there for minutes on end making me smile and smile and smile, and I keep having to stop myself from cracking up all over again because I keep finding little things that are so funny to me, and keep remembering the joke that just happened, and I can't seem to stop feeling happy. Watching MST3K two nights ago was like this for two straight hours, and I still kept cracking up the day afterward. Today after I made a joke where I called someone's book a "non-electronic e-reader," I was giggling to myself for a good 15 minutes straight afterward. Laughter has NEVER made me feel this happy before.

So in general, today was such an unfathomably happy day that I'm once again genuinely starting to wonder how I ever survived before I started HRT. It really does feel like I'm actually living life for the first time in fifteen years. How the hell did I put up with this hatred of my own body, and how the hell did I ever feel happy without this hyper-happiness that I've been getting from fun things ever since I started E? It really does feel like I was living a life that was completely

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 28, 2013 12:29 am emotionally brain-dead for my entire adult life, and a life that was

just barely alive, and was slogging through each day not as a joy but rather as an unending obstacle. Good God, this is the most AMAZING thing that I have ever done in my entire life. I'm actually HAPPY!!! And not just fake temporary happiness that only hides the internal pain, but actual HAPPINESS!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I'm going to quit before I give myself a heart-attack from too much happiness. But I'm serious. Every single word that I have said here tonight is EXACTLY what I was feeling today. I was so happy that I almost cried on multiple occasions.

-Peace, love, and HAPPINESS!!!

♪ ＼(*⌒∇⌒)／

(Side note: HRT shipment #2 still hasn't arrived yet, but when I'm in this kind of a mood, who gives a damn? A feeling this amazing is well worth waiting for, so I'll be more than willing to put up with a few days of mediocrity as long as I know I have such amazing feelings to look forward to again once they finally do arrive.)

Wolf-Pup (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 28, 2013 10:43 pm Lord help us when you DO have a lot to say

Well, seeing as how my average daily entry length so far is 1494 words... and this one was only a mere 1078 words... :p

Wow! Cheetaking, you are one cool cat!

I have read through the first two pages of your thread just now and really enjoyed it. I don't know why I haven't bothered to read any until now - just male, sleep for 10 hours laziness I guess lol - as it's such wonderful reading. Not just your journey, but your writing. I very much like your way with words.

I like your "side notes", your "warnings" about long posts (you can quit with that I think, we expect it now hehe), your whole "Carrie" mood thing (was never much of a Sex In The City fan, but know who you're referring to), and you use "yay!" "woo hoo!" and "kind of".

Yay!!!!

I loved your descriptions of the simple activities that happened to occur during your newfound happiest life moment. Using words like "foodgasm" is extremely smirk-inducing. You tell EVERYTHING like it is, for you, at that precise moment. I love that.

When you said so matter of factly that you were

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 10, 2013 7:43 pm refreshing your browser every

five minutes I laughed aloud alot in great happiness. Not at you. It's just that truth can be funny, and most certainly refreshing.

Have you always written like this, or more so since you have become happy? You seem to have rarely been happy during the first twenty seven years of your life.

Side Note: I am not sure if it is possible to be 100% happy; I mean as in happy all the time, so please don't have this as some sort of expectation. I think that we should aspire to more happiness than sadness most definitely, and to have those happy moments be of a higher level of happiness, but permanent happiness is probably something to be drempt rather than realised. Besides, we wouldn't appreciate the happiness if we never had any sadness, would we?

I will stick up for your 'little' ramblings too. Us ramblers got to stick together

Oh, and you are going from sex to six (hours sleep)

Did I mention that I liked you saying yay?! Keep saying it!