I'm feeling a bit down tonight and rather than tell myself "I shouldn't feel this way", I'm allowing myself to fully experience what's happening. Usually, I'm my own best cheerleader and I keep going no matter what the circumstances and feel fine. I don't think I'm actively repressing feelings at these times nor is it typical for me to deny my feelings. It's more a matter of practicing cognitive therapy techniques. I analyze why I might be feeling down and then change my thinking so my feelings follow along. Someone here may have fits over this explanation.
The holidays and my birthday have been wonderful. Far better than I ever thought they would be. I've already written about the wonderful Christmas I spent with Erica Ann and her family.
My birthday a few days ago was also terrific. I went out with an old friend. She brought along a woman friend of hers who turned out to be quite a lovely person. I was treated to a very nice lunch and then both my old and new friends insisted on buying me a number of things ranging from beauty aids to clothing.
The clothing part was after I returned home and they didn't have my size. They went to several stores trying to find the right outfit and finally found what they thought would fit and bought it. Turns out it did not, but that's not my point. These two women, one of whom I had just met, spent a lot of time trying to find something I wanted. I had not asked them to look, let alone pay for it.
They also shared personal makeup tips and my new friend gave me some advice for my job search.
Tugon and Plix also had a role in making my birthday memorable. In many ways, then, my life remains good even without having a job.
Ah, the job search, the thing that is causing me to feel down this evening. Today marks the start of my sixth month without employment and I feel stymied. Everything I read and hear, from people who know, tells me this feeling is entirely normal. Tonight, I don't care how normal it is, I hate it.
Not only do I lack sufficient income to pay all the bills (something I can handle) but I don't have the funds to proceed with what I consider to be important parts of my transition. It is the latter I find particularly difficult. Right now, telling myself that all this is temporary is not helping my mood.
That's because I don't have a clue as to the long term effects of my unemployment on fulfilling my dreams. I want to have GRS and complete electrolysis. Until now, I have always believed I could make things happen to bring about the results I wanted. I worked very hard at achieving my goals and got to where I wanted to be.
In this economy, however, I am not certain I can get another job that pays as well as the one I had. As my friend Kristoff told me today, roughly, "Less pay is better than no pay." I agree with him and even if I make less it should still be a decent income.
I know that the most important thing for any transsexual person is who they know themselves to be. At the same time, though, I suspect I am among that group of transsexuals for whom GRS is an important part of the gender dysphoria treatment. I'm basing this conclusion on a lecture given by the current president of the World Professional Association for Transgender Health. His name is Walter Bockting, a PhD psychologist at the University of Minnesota.
I'm also basing my conclusion on needing GRS on the way I feel all of the time. Make no mistake, I remain happier since I transitioned than I ever imagined possible for me. I'm still amazed by this and, as another Archive friend (Jesus) recently agreed, I am still like a teen in my emotions. Many things I experience still seem new and quite wonderful. Even if I've already experienced them since transitioning.
Somehow, perhaps unrealistically for the first time, I feel that I will still manage to achieve what I want. GRS is but one part of what I want and not even the most important. The rest is all related to increasing my social connections and the depths of my friendships. It's also about being out and about interacting with all kinds of people who just happen to accept me as the woman I am. Oh yes, there's also the fairly important matter of finding a good job.
While this guy was fun, he definitely wasn't rich.