Part of my feeling more confident is probably that I knew without a doubt that Erica Ann and her spouse still enjoyed my company even though I am unemployed. I've sensed with some other people who are employed a discomfort with being around unemployed people. Perhaps they are reminded that they could easily lose their own jobs.

Erica Ann took the trouble to drive her spouse and me to downtown Chicago when we could not catch an early train. The thing is, I am a big city girl at heart. I was born and raised in and near one of the major East Coast cities. I love the energy of huge downtowns and I would place Chicago in first or second place among my top four favorite American cities. Not only is the excitement and energy so evident, but it has world class architecture, culture and museums. The setting of the huge skyscrapers stretched out along the tree-lined, blue-green waters of Lake Michigan is absolutely stunning.

I may have mentioned here that I consider Manhattan to be the center of the universe, or at least of the universe I have explored! I still feel that way because of New York's frenetic activity, its great museums (especially my favorite anywhere: the Metropolitan Museum of Art), theatre, ballet, the Metropolitan Opera, its extraordinarily diverse population represented in many vibrant neighborhoods, the variety of fine restaurants, the excitement on many street corners as commercials are filmed and so on.

Despite all this, and that in my mind Chicago doesn't quite match up in all these areas (although it is close and likely surpasses Manhattan in architecture and certainly in its stunning setting), I would move to the Chicago area in a heartbeat if I had the opportunity. Even though I remain an Easterner at heart.

So, being in downtown Chicago put me in a very good mood. We spent time walking along State Street and Michigan Avenue, where department store windows were decorated for Christmas. The Civic Center, with its huge plaza sculpture by Picasso, had the city Christmas tree in place and decorated. Until this weekend, I didn't think I would put up a tree this year. Now I think I may.

As we walked down Michigan Avenue, we passed Cartier - the jewelers. I was definitely attracted to the huge selection of sparkling diamond jewelry. Little of it was anything I would ever be able to afford but it was fun to look.

Then there was the huge shoe selection at Nordstrom. Several pairs that attracted my eye were over $700 each. Not for this lifetime. One of these very expensive pairs of shoes would have made me look like I had on Cinderella's glass slippers.

Then there were the gorgeous clothes at a number of stores we visited. It was fun to look.

We had dinner at a terrific Italian steakhouse, Harry Caray's. I had the best filet mignon I've ever eaten.

I would not have enjoyed downtown Chicago nearly as much if I had been on my own. Erica Ann made it memorable

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Nov 17, 2009 5:35 pm and I am very grateful for th

at and her company. I once again felt like part of the flow of humanity rather than merely a person without a job. That is nothing to be ashamed of at all, but it is a difficult experience at times.

After this trip, I felt renewed in spirit and energy. I hope that feeling lasts for quite awhile.

I learned that I need to get out more even though I have little disposable income right now. Somehow, the trip also renewed my interest in continuing to pursue photography as a potential income source. And I will look for a church organist position, too. Music is one of the most important things in my life and I love playing it.

I may write about this in more depth in a day or two. It's getting late and I need to make dinner.

For now, I'll note that one young couple left me feeling the way I discussed last year when I noticed a young couple at Macy's and how they interacted. In short, I wanted to young man to be in love with me and I would love him. The reality is he was way to0 young for me but he was incredibly handsome and had a dazzling smile which only brightened further when the young woman he was with pulled down her skirt a bit to show the top of her panties.

Unlike the Macy's couple, there was no evidence that the Hunter's couple had ever met before Saturday night. I have no doubt that the flowing alcohol contributed to the couple's uninhibited behavior. The man was still adorable and I imagined him smiling at me the way he was smiling at the young woman. My imagination took things way beyond the smiling stage, too.

I had on my fire engine red and black dress with my favorite off-black nylons and black pumps with 4" heels. I used to wear pumps nearly every day at work but haven't since I became unemployed. It was great to wear them again and to go out dressed well.

Unlike my February visit to Hunter's, I did not dance. That had been the first time in my life I ever truly enjoyed and totally got into dancing. Such is the power of being one's true self.

I may also write more about my renewed desire for GRS. This has never really left me but the trip drove home how much I would like to have GRS. I started to think of how I could still make it happen. It may never become a reality for me and I can still be very happy without it - BUT it would be wonderful.

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Nov 17, 2009 6:15 pm I may have mentioned here that I consider Manhattan to be the center of the universe, or at least of the universe I have explored! I still feel that way because of New York's frenetic activity, its great museums (especially my favorite anywhere: the Metropolitan Museum of Art), theatre, ballet, the Metropolitan Opera, its extraordinarily diverse population represented in many vibrant neighborhoods, the variety of fine restaurants, the excitement on many street corners as commercials are filmed and so on.

.

Hi My friend!

Out of my own experience I guess you´ll love Metropolitan even more as a girl than you did as a boy!

I got seasick when I was there as their mats are that thick so your feets move to the side when you put your heel down and being in a pair of high heels you penetrate the mat and go straight on!

Greetings

John

Danya,

We really did enjoy your visit with us this past weekend. It was so good to see you again and to spend some time together. I do truly enjoy your company.

I'm also glad that we were able to offer you a small but intense break from the worries of looking for new employment. It was our pleasure!

I know how difficult families can be from first hand experience, but as we discussed, you have to live your life for yourself and not them. If they choose to come along, that's great, but your own happiness is so much more valuable than theirs and though we may not be biological related, never the less you are still truly my sister and you will always be a part of my family.

I'm so happy you had a good trip! Chicago is a fun place to explore and I'm sure you will have many fine memories of this trip. Wishing you luck with your new doctor. Its too bad they can't just code GRS in some way that doesn't make the insurance people pitch a fit. It seems so dumb and unfair to me but... I dunno.

If GID is a read problem (It is!) why is the treatment not???

Arg!

John (imported) wrote: Wed Nov 18, 2009 3:23 pm Hi My friend!

Out of my own experience I guess you´ll love Metropolitan even more as a girl than you did as a boy!

I got seasick when I was there as their mats are that thick so your feets move to the side when you put your heel down and being in a pair of high heels you penetrate the mat and go straight on!

Greetings

John

Hi John,

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed Dec 17, 2008 11:02 pm It is always good to hear from you.

I think, in general, there are many things I like more now than before I become who I was meant to be, Danya. As I've written before, too, my interests are expanding.

Feeling seasick is not a good thing, although I have never experienced it. I do have to be careful where I walk with heels, though.

Hugs,

Danya

Danya,

EricaAnn (imported) wrote: Thu Nov 19, 2009 8:42 am We really did enjoy your visit with us this past weekend. It was so good to see you again and to spend some time together. I do truly enjoy your company.

I'm also glad that we were able to offer you a small but intense break from the worries of looking for new employment. It was our pleasure!

I know how difficult families can be from first hand experience, but as we discussed, you have to live your life for yourself and not them. If they choose to come along, that's great, but your own happiness is so much more valuable than theirs and though we may not be biological related, never the less you are still truly my sister and you will always be a part of my family.

Hi Erica,

I cannot adequately express how much your hospitality meant to me or completely explain the after effects - why I continue to feel so centered and happy nearly a week after I left to visit you.

As you know, I did send off an email to my family explaining the situation. In short, that if they cannot accept me for who I am it is better to let go. I may write more about this later. I did not totally close the door to a future relationship but I was very clear on the conditions.

I feel free after sending that note. I had not realized the extent to which I was still hoping that they would come through in a way they simply cannot. A therapist once told me not to expect things of people that they are incapable of delivering. It's unfair to them and will only disappoint me when they do not come through. Those were very wise words.

During my visit,

Danya (imported) wrote: Thu May 21, 2009 5:31 pm I had more fun than I thought possible

during this time of unemployment. As you know, I was also totally relaxed. Part of that was seeing, once again, the love you and your spouse have for each other. Some of that

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Nov 17, 2009 5:35 pm brushed off on me!

Of course,

you are my sister, too and I am very grateful for that.

Hugs,

Danya

mrt (imported) wrote: Thu Nov 19, 2009 2:52 pm I'm so happy you had a good trip! Chicago is a fun place to explore and I'm sure you will have many fine memories of this trip. Wishing you luck with your new doctor. Its too bad they can't just code GRS in some way that doesn't make the insurance people pitch a fit. It seems so dumb and unfair to me but... I dunno.

If GID is a read problem (It is!) why is the treatment not???

Arg!

MrT, my friend,

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed Jul 09, 2008 8:50 am It's always good to hear from you.

We've exchanged some emails lately, too, and those have been helpful.

I've been to Chicago many times, including during my first visit to Erica Ann and her spouse in February. I never tire of the excitement of the city. Yes, I will have special memories of this visit because I was there with terrific people.

My first goal is to find a good job. My state employment center counselor told me today that it may take me another 2 to 6 months! That's been what they've been seeing. Turns out this news was only slightly disappointing. I had already conluded the same thing and, besides, I still feel so good after my visit with Erica that little is bothering me. I know I will make it.

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed Jun 24, 2009 4:48 pm I put in a full day's work on the job s

earch, then I played the piano for the first time in many weeks. I played part of a sonata by one of my favorite composers. I doubt that anyone is interested, but

Danya (imported) wrote: Thu Sep 25, 2008 6:32 pm you could probably identify this compo

ser by looking back through my posts on this thread.

As for GRS, I am hopeful I can work things out to have it without breaking the bank. It still may be several years off, if I ever have it. Time will tell. I may luck out and land a job with one of the few employers that does not exluded GRS coverage.

Hugs,

Danya

I just returned home from my appointment with the urologist. My intent was to discuss an orchiectomy, only. We did that, and in great detail. Because I completed the required one year Real Life Experience a number of months ago, I am eligible for the surgery. The doctor is going to try to word things so my insurance will cover the procedure. If all goes according to plan, I would have it done before the end of the year.

The doctor was very knowledgeable about transgender matters, too. [I mentioned the male-to-eunuch transition and she seemed to understand.] She went on to discuss other "corrective" surgery, up to and including GRS. We also discussed children with ambiguous genitalia and their treatment and how the view of the cause(s) of transgenderism has changed over the years. We briefly touched on John Money, MD and some of the now controversial work he did on infants at Johns Hopkins late in the 20th century. All of this was fascinating and was very much a two-way conversation.

But I left her office with a migraine. The reason is, this was my first ever discussion with a physician who has done GRS procedures, albeit on children. I almost felt like we were discussing my own upcoming GRS surgery. That won't happen in the forseeable future and the tension created by speaking with this kind expert, who could conceivably give me what I desire, and the reality of knowing that I cannot now afford it, produced the migraine. I'll recover.

Somewhere during our conversation, she mentioned that with the proper reconstructive surgery, I could even wear a bikini! A one piece bathing suit would be just right for me.

I'm so happy your doctor is going to try to work with you on the orchiectomy and hopefully you will be able to do that asap. Just remember no laughing or sneezing without learning forward for the first week or so. Ouch!

I think I understand a little the frustration your feeling about GRS. It seems very serious stuff just to get into a Bikini but I think its a nice goal to keep in mind.

I think it was of value to me to keep in mind that whatever your doing your making progress. If it was a year ago you would not be able to do anything surgical yet. So, your moving forward and thats very important. Did your doctor say anything about financing or if they had any programs available for people on a serious budget? If not DO ask! There maybe nothing available but one never knows what their is unless you ask. Maybe they have some form of installment plans?! It seems to me that they must have SOME kind of scheme for surgery thats not covered by insurance to make it possible to do it.