Just a brief update for tonight.

The last 10 days or so have been one of the the most difficult times of my life. What has helped get me through this is the support of terrific friends both here and in the non-virtual world. Some support has come from surprising places.

The result at the end of this week is that I feel more empowered than I ever thought possible

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue May 27, 2008 9:47 am under extremely trying circumstances.

In fact, I may feel more empowered now than ever before in my life.

In a way I did not anticipate, starting my transition prepared me for this difficult time. In order to transition, I let go of fear of the unknown and my transition experience has been far more wonderful than I had thought possible.

Now I am doing the same thing with my life and changes in letting go of fear.

I saw my gender therapist Thursday and she commented again that she is impressed by my inner strength. I was crying when she said this, so I asked how she could say I am strong when I was crying. The thing is, I needed to cry. Crying is not a sign of weakness. It would have been dangerous if I had suppressed my emotions. I know that from a very intense personal experience several decades ago.

What may never come is supportive words from my family. I emailed them several days ago to let them know what was going on. I explained that I'd like to know I could count on their emotional support in what is a difficult time.

I haven't heard anything back from them. I still may but I realized when I wrote that how they respond (or do not) would reveal how they truly feel about me and my transition. Sending a Christmas card is one thing (and that from a great distance). Offering emotional support is something else entirely. I haven't given up on them but I already feel at peace with the thought that I may never hear from them.

I will write a more complete account of what is going on Tuesday evening. I do not want to say anything else now.

I was feeling very strong Friday. I have struggled to maintain that outlook and have not succeeded well.

All I can say right now is I feel like I may have to give up myself, being me, to continue to survive in the world (food, shelter, etc.). At the same time, I know I cannot stop being me any more than a natal female could. Nor do I want to.

The fact is, transphobia compounds the difficulties of finding a job in this economy.

There are more details that I cannot go into now that further complicate my situation. The end result is I know I am a risky mental state. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I have not felt this depressed in a number of years. I feel like I am losing my sense of self that is tied in with being able to pay my way through life. I don't know how I'm going to get through all of this. I'm trying to take things one step at a time but most of yesterday and today that hasn't been working.

In early 2007, I started a new antidepressant that totally lifted my life-long major depression. That depression is starting to return and I cannot allow that to continue. I hope that a higher dose of the medicine will help.

I've still had no word in response to my Wednesday email seeking some emotional support from my family.

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Jun 22, 2009 7:25 am I was feeling very strong Friday. I have struggled to maintain that outlook and have not succeeded well.

All I can say right now is I feel like I may have to give up myself, being me, to continue to survive in the world (food, shelter, etc.). At the same time, I know I cannot stop being me any more than a natal female could. Nor do I want to.

The fact is, transphobia compounds the difficulties of finding a job in this economy.

There are more details that I cannot go into now that further complicate my situation. The end result is I know I am a risky mental state. ...

Part of my problem is I am still going through the shock phase over what has happened in my life. I may have mentioned this in another post. I need to reach the point where I get angry and use my anger to energize myself to take very positive, constructive, assertive steps to get where I need to be.

I can do this, I have in the past in a very dire situation. I hope I can again.

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Jun 22, 2009 9:48 am Part of my problem is I am still going through the shock phase over what has happened in my life. I may have mentioned this in another post. I need to reach the point where I get angry and use my anger to energize myself to take very positive, constructive, assertive steps to get where I need to be.

I can do this, I have in the past in a very dire situation. I hope I can again.

Hi my friend!

What should I do to annoy you enogh to make you angry? It feels odd to ask the question but I do nevertheless for your good.

Greetings

John

John (imported) wrote: Mon Jun 22, 2009 10:27 am Hi my friend!

What should I do to annoy you enogh to make you angry? It feels odd to ask the question but I do nevertheless for your good.

Greetings

John

Hi John,

I appreciate your offer!

As it is, this place of constructive anger is something I can only reach on my own. I'm working on it and I'll get there somehow.

Hugs,

Danya

First, I want to thank the friends who have thoughtfully listened to me today and over the last 10 days. I know it can be stressful to listen to my situation.

The emails, posts and phone calls keep alive a social connection I am often missing on weekends and evenings, since I live alone. These connections are a huge help to me, even if thiis is not immediately apparent to anyone else.

Although my mental state is not good this weekend, I'm not moping around by any means. I'm actively looking at a number of options to continue on my life path in the direction I want.

The fact is, this is an extraordinarilly stressful time for me. I will get through it.

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Jun 22, 2009 10:56 am Hi John,

I appreciate your offer!

As it is, this place of constructive anger is something I can only reach on my own. I'm working on it and I'll get there somehow.

Hugs,

Danya

Another question to you on the outside of all my clubs here at home?

If there was a prize in the spring 2010 for those members who had done most hours during their free-time would you think it was fair to "sell" it among the members who work.

I got an idea today that we as a club among us Tramdrivers/conductors could compete about a prize of a flying in ballon over Göteborg as one of the members has a ballon that could be used.

Greetings

John

John (imported) wrote: Mon Jun 22, 2009 12:34 pm Another question to you on the outside of all my clubs here at home?

If there was a prize in the spring 2010 for those members who had done most hours during their free-time would you think it was fair to "sell" it among the members who work.

I got an idea today that we as a club among us Tramdrivers/conductors could compete about a prize of a flying in ballon over Göteborg as one of the members has a ballon that could be used.

Greetings

John

Hi John,

Sounds like a great idea to me. If this is something you want to do, go for it.

I think I've solved the puzzle of how to get anger going for me. Explanation is in my next post, coming soon. This has worked before, somewhat in reverse order, but should still do the trick now.

Hugs,

Danya

While I'm still adjusting to my situation, my overall mental state is improving. Of course, I will have some set backs. On the other hand, I have been taking action to make things better and I will become more proactive in the days ahead.

After a 50 minute walk this evening (exercise always helps my mood) I played the piano for the first time in two weeks. This is a very good sign that I am on the mend.

Friends near and far have been very kind and helpful. I am very fortunate to have such terrific people in my life.

I spoke with a someone this evening who was one of my first friends to see the real me, Danya. This was at a dinner party at my home and before I transitioned at work.

I reminded him that as soon as he saw me, he commented on how happy I was and that he had never seen me like that before. Tonight he told me that if I had the courage to transition, changing a job or even a career is relatively minor. I agree, although I would add emphasis to the word relatively.

This was the same evening a young straight friend hugged me as he left for home. I wrote a post on this sometime last year.

On the other hand, on Sunday I spoke with my English trans woman friend yesterday. She described my situation as the supreme test, to which I responded that this is a really, REALLY, real real life experience. Nonetheless, I believe that all of this will turn out to be a positive experience in the end.

Just as I had to let go of fear to become my real self, I am letting go of fear now (or at least working toward that goal.) What I also had to do to transition was to cease my tendency to analyze my every move. So not only did I let go of fear, but I also surrendered to what my feelings were telling me was the right path. This gave me the freedom to come as far as I have.

A close friend here told me that there are now many possibilities open to me. All I need do is seek them out. He is absolutely correct. He also noted I might have rough times ahead but that everything will be fine.

Then I ran across the online personal story of a trans woman now living in this area. She has been through many very difficult times. I emailed her to tell her I appreciated her sharing some very personal parts of her life. She wrote back offering encouragement and support. It's possible we may meet before too long.