• Cheetaking243's Official Hormone Trial!

Posted: **Fri Jan 25, 2013 9:58 pm**

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG, DAY SEVENTEEN:

Three things for today.

First of all

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Sat Jan 12, 2013 8:40 pm , I
cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 14, 2013 11:36 pm was feeling EXTREMELY feminine today.
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More feminine than I have ever felt in my entire life. At work all day, I just felt so happy and smiley and was in such a "cute" mood, everything looked brighter. My motions felt more feminine than they ever have been. (I'd describe these motions as being "slower and more meticulous." Not with the same amount of strength, but with more precision, and in a smoother manner.) The way that I walked felt more feminine, the way that I talked felt more feminine, and the way that I stood and gestured and just everything in general that I did today really revolved around that feeling of femininity. And the clothing thing has me so exci
cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 22, 2013 8:48 pm ted... I couldn't stop thinkin
g about what I wanted to try next, and couldn't stop thinking in sheer excitement about how, for the first time in my life, I was actually excited about clothes, and could think about what would emphasize various parts of my body and make me look good, rather than just the terribly-boring. "You're a guy. Wear a collared shirt with a tie like everyone else. That's your only option." This whole thing has me so excited. So, anyway, that was my mood for most of the day. And I am also happy to report that the muscle fatigue that I was feeling most of last week has finally eased. I felt GREAT physically all day, not the least bit cramped up or sore or stiff. (The feminizing of my motions probably had a lot to do with that. When I moved myself at a slower pace rather than at masculine hyper-speed, my muscles felt as good as ever. I think I just needed to adjust my body posture and arm motions to better fit my changing muscles.)

Secondly, I'm getting nervous about my upcoming second shipment of HRT supplies. They still haven't come yet. I ordered them on January 13th. It's getting to be about the time that they should be coming. The first part of my initial shipment arrived after 10 days. The second part arrived after 12 days. As of tomorrow, it's been 12 days since I ordered this official second-month's supply. And my package-tracking says nothing but "Origin post is preparing shipment." I guess the reason I'm getting kind of worked up about it, is because I'm now on my very last estrogen patches. This first batch was supposed to last me for a full month, but because the damned things kept falling off after only 3 days, and it took me over a week of trial and error before I finally found a body location where they'd stick, I went through that entire month's supply in only 2 weeks. So if the second shipment of E patches does not arrive within the next 2 days or so, I'm SOL, and stuck without E until they finally arrive. (God, I hope my shipment isn't lost in the mail... I also only have 9 days of androcur left... that would be one shitty way to have this HRT regiment come to a screeching halt. I REALLY don't want to be without that, even for a couple of days. I NEVER want T back. And I'm serious about that.)

Thirdly, I'm having a really hard evening in terms of relationships. Jenny's been trying to "connect" with me all evening, trying to strike up pleasant conversation about how my day was, and throwing me "subtle hints" by saying things like
cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 23, 2013 6:23 pm "you know, I really miss our frie
ndship. I really wish we'd talk more." But I didn't feel like talking, and I just basically shoved her suggestions aside with a leave-me-alone attitude. And I feel terrible about this. But it's because I can't truly talk about my day with her. ALL I feel like talking about, and all that my mind has been thinking about for the last 2 weeks straight, is this gender transition. But I've now realized, I'm still really embarrassed about it. I just don't feel comfortable talking to Jenny about it, despite how many times she says "it's okay." And I still try to hide my computer monitor from her every time I'm on this website, or looking up transgender information. And I just don't feel comfortable dressing feminine when she's around, or practicing my voice, or any number of things. So in many ways, I'm almost now viewing her as an obstacle... something that keeps me from freely doing what I really want to do. (Even though it's my own damn mind that won't let me do these things around her in the first place.) And so I've basically been shoving her away all week, while she's been in the I-need-emotional-support mode where she wants to talk, and go do things, and connect with me as a friend, but I just want to be left alone. And I really feel terrible about this. I know she really needs me as a friend right now, because I'm the closest friend she has, but at the same time I just want to be left alone so that I can freely express my feminine side. For example, although I LOVE the skirt that I just bought, I'd be completely embarrassed to wear it around the house when she's still here. And again, this is my own damned fault for being such a coward that I'm not willing to freely express myself, even in front of someone who KNOWS that I'm on estrogen and in the process of gender-transitioning. I feel so stupid. What can I do?

So that was today. The main part of the day, when I was just by myself working, and free to think how I wanted, was AMAZING! I just felt unfathomably happy and bubbly all day. But my home situation right now is just so confusing
cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Sat Jan 12, 2013 8:40 pm ... I don't know what the hell
to do.

(Side note: I redid my bodily measurements this morning to see how I was progressing, and I was absolutely shocked! I've now lost a full inch off of my waist, from 40" to 39", and I've now lost a full INCH AND A HALF off of my underbust measurement. When I first measured, it was 42". When I last updated my numbers, it was 41.5". And now out of nowhere, it's all the way down to 40.5". It's SO amazing! It's like all of my weight is coming off of my flabby upper-midsection, the part of my body that I was the most concerned about when I started. I'm actually already starting to get a figure! When I pulled my shirt up tight against my body, that mid part is almost at the point where it's starting to look feminine! My chest and upper back still need a lot of work, as those numbers still haven't changed by even a fraction of an inch, but I'm astonished at how quickly my midsection is pinching in... especially since I've only lost 3.4 lbs of total weight so far.)

Sorry, I know this post was mostly just me talking about my own emotional problems rather than the actual effects of the HRT, but let's be honest, now that they've all clearly started, it's much harder to tell what's happening. When everything first changed after being stuck in a default state of normality for so long, it was blatantly obvious. But now that my new state of normality is constantly changing, it's much harder to notice each little progression. It's only when I compare raw measurement numbers or make a video and compare it to last week's video, that the changes become much more obvious. I'll be making my official 2-week update video tomorrow, so I'll get back to everyone on the physical progression then.

Posted: **Sat Jan 26, 2013 2:05 am**

If you can't deal with your friend that you are close with and live with...how are you planning to play nude volleyball again???

Are you afraid she'll reject you as a friend? If you keep pushing her away you'll lose her friendship anyways. On the other hand if she's a real friend who will support you, then you have the chance to be girlfriends. You can actively learn things from her and try things out. She can advise you while you work on developing your style.

If you continue on the meds she's likely to notice things eventually. Don't push her away now when she needs you, or she won't be around when you need her.

Posted: **Sat Jan 26, 2013 4:12 am**

You can force begrudging tolerance but acceptance has to really come from other people Wolf-Pup. Give it time Cheetaking. The advice everyone gives me and I never listen to

Posted: **Sat Jan 26, 2013 5:30 am**

I'm happy for you, Cheetaking, but I'd sure like to see you more open and kindly toward your girlfriend/roommate..She seems like a very nice girl that is only looking for some friendship and comfort..Talk to her..Tell her what you've told us(you feel funny being feminine around her)...The Inhouse issue...It has taken several weeks for my shipments to arrive...I too was a little scared that there was a delivery probem..I order 5-6 months supply of E...at a time..Less headache...Be well..Be nice smooches jackie

Posted: **Sat Jan 26, 2013 8:25 am**

Wolf-Pup (imported) wrote: Sat Jan 26, 2013 2:05 am If you can't deal with your friend that you are close with and live with...how are you planning to play nude volleyball again???

Are you afraid she'll reject you as a friend? If you keep pushing her away you'll lose her friendship anyways. On the other hand if she's a real friend who will support you, then you have the chance to be girlfriends. You can actively learn things from her and try things out. She can advise you while you work on developing your style.

If you continue on the meds she's likely to notice things eventually. Don't push her away now when she needs you, or she won't be around when you need her.

No, it's not that I'm afraid of losing her as a friend. I know for sure that that won't happen. It's more just my stupid natural gut reaction where I feel embarrassed, and my brain is imagining judgmental glances and imagining her laughing in her head at me, and that feeling just makes me really uncomfortable. (This is nothing new. This is the same kind of fear that's kept me from doing feminine things for pretty much my entire life.) Plus the fact that I was dating her for SIX YEARS before we finally split up back in November is a huge complicating factor. I downplayed the transsexualism the whole time we were dating, so by the time I finally did start doing things like wearing panties in the fall of 2011, she actually kind of made fun of me for it, because she still didn't think I was being serious. So I started hiding anything that I was doing transsexually from her, because I knew that it and our relationship couldn't live harmoniously, and that natural tendency to hide it has now persisted, and I can't get that feeling of embarrassment and discomfort out of my head even now. (And again, this is nothing new. I've been hiding ANYTHING transsexual that I have ever done from EVERYONE since the thing started in the first place. The few times that I talked about it to others as a teenager, I got made fun of. When I wore short-shorts, I got made fun of. When I shaved my legs, someone called me out on it. So starting at about age 15, I learned to hide it well. I NEVER talked about it to anyone again, and I started only doing things that were completely invisible from the outside... shaving only the body hair that was hidden under my clothes, and taping myself up, and only doing anything cross-dressy in the privacy of my own room, and quickly taking it all back off as soon as I heard Mom coming up the stairs. And now these "hiding" behaviors have become such a part of my natural reaction, and ingrained so deeply into my head, that I can't get rid of them.)

So, yeah, ultimately this is my fault. It's my fault for suppressing this for FIFTEEN years instead of just being myself a long time ago like I should have. But like I said, I'm a complete coward when it comes to these things, and I've always been very shy. And that "run and hide" response is still burned deeply into my cranium, and it's the exact thing that's making me so miserable right now. And I know I'm going to have to get over it.

(Side note: remember when I said that I finally figured out how I was going to tell my dad? Well, even that way kind of had the "run and hide" response built into it. The plan that I came up with was, when Dad asks me if I'm coming to Superbowl, to tell him something along the lines of "I don't know if I want to come this year. I'm going through a bit of an awkward phase physically." and then when he asks why, I could explain to him that I've been on HRT for the last 8 months, and that I'm kind of in a between-genders state at the moment. That was the "brilliant" plan I came up with. Like I said, I'm a total coward when it comes to just facing things directly.)

Sigh... I know I'm screwed up in the head. And I feel so stupid.

And by the way, I do know what the answer to this problem is. The problem isn't Jenny, the problem is me. I need to quit being such a coward, just start doing exactly what I feel like, and not worrying what other people think about it. Because you're right, I am going to have to get over this if I ever want to be truly happy with myself.

(And in response to you mentioning "she'll notice things eventually," I think you misunderstood. She knows that I'm on HRT. So she knows that my body will be feminizing already. I'm not worried at all about that. It's just about me being embarrassed to do feminine things around her like wearing a skirt or practicing my voice while I still look like the same Charlie that she's known for 6.5 years now. I honestly wish the changes would come sooner, so that she could maybe start seeing me as a new person, someone dif

butterflyjack (imported) wrote: Sat Jan 26, 2013 5:30 am ferent, instead of the guy she once was in love with.)

I'm happy for you, Cheetaking, but I'd sure like to see you more open and kindly toward your girlfriend/roommate..She seems like a very nice girl that is only looking for some friendship and comfort..Talk to her..Tell her what you've told us(you feel funny being feminine around her)...The Inhouse issue...It has taken several weeks for my shipments to arrive...I too was a little scared that there was a delivery probem..I order 5-6 months supply of E...at a t

ime..Less headache...Be well..Be nice smooches jackie

Yes, you're right, she is a very nice girl, and she is just looking for friendship and comfort. This one is totally on me, and this is exactly why I feel so bad about it. I'm letting the teasing and laughing from 15 years ago get the better of me, and I'm lashing out at her with my pent-up bitterness when it's not her fault to start with. (*sob*... God, I feel so stupid...)

Posted: **Sat Jan 26, 2013 10:32 am**

As to your delivery worries - It is unlikely to nearly impossible that the shipment is lost, it is sent Registered Mail which needs to be signed for and accounted for each time it changes hands and is kept segregated from ordinary mail. The hold ups happen at point of origin (Vanuatu) due to limited air service or at customs which has a persistent backlog in clearing parcels. --FLO--

Posted: **Sat Jan 26, 2013 2:54 pm**

You're not stupid cheetaking feelings don't come under the header of smart/stupid. If she knows you are on the hormones and blockers already, and if you TRUST her enough to let her know that, I'm guessing you can trust her with being honest. You can tell her why you're afraid to be fem around her. If she's a caring person, I think she'll understand. Then again, I've found in my life I am able to tell women things I'd never consider mentioning to my male friends. I will say if she is feeling needy you can still be there for HER in the meantime until you are ready to share your fem self openly with her.

Posted: **Sat Jan 26, 2013 2:58 pm**

Uncle Flo (imported) wrote: Sat Jan 26, 2013 10:32 am As to your delivery worries - It is unlikely to nearly impossible that the shipment is lost, it is sent Registered Mail which needs to be signed for and accounted for each time it changes hands and is kept segregated from ordinary mail. The hold ups happen at point of origin (Vanuatu) due to limited air service or at customs which has a persistent backlog in clearing parcels. --FLO--

I thought it was the sorting facility in NY that was the big delay factor in getting shipments from InHouse? At least that was my experience with them.

Posted: **Sat Jan 26, 2013 3:00 pm**

~Tiamat~ (imported) wrote: Sat Jan 26, 2013 4:12 am You can force begrudging tolerance but acceptance has to really come from other people Wolf-Pup. Give it time Cheetaking. The advice everyone gives me and I never listen to

I was just trying to say that cheetaking shouldn't push her away when SHE is needy. Friendship is a two-way street and you have to give as well as take for it to be a strong one.

Posted: **Sat Jan 26, 2013 3:30 pm**

Wolf-Pup (imported) wrote: Sat Jan 26, 2013 2:58 pm I thought it was the sorting facility in NY that was the big delay factor in getting shipments from InHouse? At least that was my experience with them.

The N.Y. facility is the customs house for small parcels. --FLO--

Cheetaking243's Official Hormone Trial!

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