If I don't start to bring in more money for transitioning expenses soon, I will be depressed, agitated, irritated, angry with the world and generally unhappy for the remainder of my life. Not really, but I so much want extra income to proceed with planning for GRS, which happens to be kind of pricey. :-\

So, although I have been concentrating on improving my photography skills I will take an added step. I will start participating in a local photographers' and Photoshop user group. Until now, I have viewed this as likely to waste my time. I'd much rather be out and about doing my own thing, photographically speaking.

The problem is that my preferred use of photography (artistic, landscape, architecture, still life) is not likely to bring in money in the near term. This is unfortunate, because I love being out by myself doing whatever it takes to get the photograph I want. I've mentioned that this can include lying on the ground, even if it is wet.

A week ago, I found someone else's photo of a nearby downtown skyline. It was a stunning shot and it's hard to find vantage points for these. There was a road sign in the photo and I recognized the spot. I drove by to see where the photographer must have stood to capture this scene. He or she must have stopped the car right on the interstate, at a place where it crosses an overpass, gotten out, set up the tripod and taken a few shots and then fled before the police could arrive. I thought "I can do that!"

Truth is, I have been stopped by security and police while getting a photo before. Photography can be a risky business, after all. I have also stopped on the shoulder of an interstate highway to get a photo. The overpass would be more challenging as there is no shoulder.

Back to the photography group. It is true that I am much more social now that I am living full-time as Danya. For the first time in my life, I am energized by having people around. I need to be with people. I still need my alone time, though. Photography and playing the piano have provided that.

I've read mixed views on the value of participating in local photographer groups. I hope that I will form some connections and work my way into photographing people at small events, small commitment ceremonies, small graduations and perhaps even (gasp!) small weddings.

The quickest way for me to start making money with photography is to do people shots. This will use many of the skills I already have but there are others I need to develop. For some strange reason, I am confident I can do that and fairly quickly.

Every photographer I have spoken with hates shooting weddings. I'm sure there are exceptions. All I know is I used to play the pipe organ for weddings on a fairly regular basis and it was the one part of my position that I really disliked.

Anyway, I'll see how this group photog thing works out. I know I will enjoy being with people with similar interests.

This is a good time for me to get started with the group. Although I've been fooled before, it now looks like my work schedule will begin to approach a more reasonable, and sustainable, level within the next few weeks. I hope it does before I lose whatever is left of my sanity.

If the opportunity for a staff musician position opens, I will definitely apply for that.

I've been home alone all day, cleaning. While I am fine being alone, I still feel the need to talk. This explains why this is my third post tonight.

My niece sent my a very sweet thank you note, addressed to Aunt Danya, for the Christmas gift I had sent her in 2008. I was thrilled the she addressed me this way. Until Christmas, I was not certain that any part of my family was accepting the new me.

She is my only niece. We have always gotten along as kindred spirits, in many ways. Still, I was leary of writing her a letter in response to her note.

The fact is, family issues tend to be even more difficult for out transgender people than they are for GLB persons. This is not only my conclusion, as a formerly gay-identified 'man.' A number of trans writers who have experienced life as both gay and then trans concur that the experience of being transgender presents more difficult issues overall than being GLB. These days, more people have reached an understanding of sexual orientation that remains largely lacking for transgender identities. Those was GID are a much smaller percentage of the population than GLB folks and therefore more of an unknown.

My trans friend in England told me how her brothers were initially very supportive and then stopped speaking with her entirely. There are people here who have reported heart-breaking responses from family. My own

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed Jul 30, 2008 7:51 pm religiously conservative brother

(the other brother, not the father of my niece), treated me with contempt when I visited him over a year ago. He has at least come as far as using my new name on a card, but I doubt he will ever truly accept me. He never did when I identified as gay.

I have no problem discussing who I am when I am with people. I get instant feedback, if from nothing else than body language, on how they really feel. All of my family lives far away and I have not seen my niece and the rest of her family in over 18 months.

So, I felt some trepidation about writing to my niece despite the 'Aunt Danya'. I wrote a letter to her today and it will go out in Tuesday's mail. I described my life without going into many details. I told her that when the economy improves, I would love to have her visit and I would pay for her plane ticket. I also noted that she might be surprised to find we get along even better now than before.

I wrote a more detailed letter to her parents in late March. At the very last moment at Christmas, they responded to my Christmas card. I had given up hope of hearing from them. They, too, wrote a kind thank you note using my real name. My brother and sister-in-law don't like to talk on the phone and seldom write. The fact that they have not responded to my March letter may reflect nothing more than that. I will get a fuller understanding of their feelings this Christmas, now that they have more details about who I am. I expect they will respond. I wonder how things would be, though, if I were to say I wanted to visit.

I may have lost it.

Families...I decided to send

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed Jul 30, 2008 7:51 pm my religiously conservative brother

an email that was gentle and caring. This is the brother who a year ago April told me, after I made the trek to California solely to see him, that what I am doing is 'bizarre' and 'there is no support'. He also implied that I needed some kind of religious healing and that I must feel that God does not love me. All because I was finally being true to who I am. That was a very painful experience.

In the note, I made no effort to argue the case for acceptance. I also gave him my new phone number, for good measure. I already noted that I may be crazy.

Why would I want to communicate with him? I made this decision mostly because he responded to my Christmas card in Dec 2008 with a card addressed to me using my new legal name. There's also the fact that my nephew and he (the uncle) get along well. I have no wish to complicate the possibility of a good relationship with my nephew because of problems with my brother, if I can avoid it.

Writing the letter to my niece (see recent post) started this thought process going. I will write to my nephew tomorrow. Beyond these steps, there is nothing else I can do. I will wait to see if anything positive happens.

The reality is, all this is largely beyond my control now. I do not know how this will work out, but I can thrive whatever the outcome. The whole process is still difficult, though. I feel like I am treading in a mine field.

Did he really say "Bizarre"?

"markedly unusual in appearance, style, or general character and often involving incongruous or unexpected elements; outrageously or whimsically strange; odd: bizarre clothing; bizarre behavior."

If you were a man dressing the way you do might be "Bizarre" but its clear to your doctor(s) and friends that you are not. Perhaps this is the basis of the problem. Seriously. What you might want to say is simply this.

Yes, it might SEEM Bizarre if you don't accept that I have a medical problem and that its being corrected. I know how difficult it is to accept that the person you (thought) you knew is gone but the real person is me and I think always was just me! I am Danya and my doctors, therapists etc are all working to make that happen. I would really appreciate your taking a step back and understanding this is not about "kinky sex" or some kind of weird perversion or whatever you have in your head. This is not about me having sex its about who and what I am.

I know this is difficult because many people with this problem just are not very upfront about it. Why? its not criminal and from everything I can read there is no religious issue with it either. If you disagree I would be very curious. And please cite your sources!

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon May 25, 2009 7:36 pm I may have lost it.

Families...I decided to send

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon May 25, 2009 7:36 pm 411460]
my religiously conservative brother

an email that was gentle and caring. This is the brother who a year ago April told me, after I made the trek to California solely to see him, that what I am doing is 'bizarre' and 'there is no support'. He also implied that I needed some kind of religious healing and that I must feel that God does not love me. All because I was finally being true to who I am. That was a very painful experience.

In the note, I made no effort to argue the case for acceptance. I also gave him my new phone number, for good measure. I already noted that I may be crazy.

Why would I want to communicate with him? I made this decision mostly because he responded to my Christmas card in Dec 2008 with a card addressed to me using my new legal name. There's also the fact that my nephew and he (the uncle) get along well. I have no wish to complicate the possibility of a good relationship with my nephew because of problems with my brother, if I can avoid it.

Writing the letter to my niece (see recent post) started this thought process going. I will write to my nephew tomorrow. Beyond these steps, there is nothing else I can do. I will wait to see if anything positive happens.

The reality is, all this is largely beyond my control now. I do not know how this will work out, but I can thrive whatever the outcome. The whole process is still difficult,
[/quote]
though. I feel like I am treading in a mine field.

Did he really say "Bizarre"?

Yes, my friend, he really used the word bizarre, I remember this quite clearly. He stated exactly "What you are doing is bizarre.'

mrt (imported) wrote: Tue May 26, 2009 8:18 pm If you were a man dressing the way you do might be "Bizarre" but its clear to your doctor(s) and friends that you are not. Perhaps this is the basis of the problem. Seriously. What you might want to say is simply this.

Yes, it might SEEM Bizarre if you don't accept that I have a medical problem and that its being corrected. I know how difficult it is to accept that the person you (thought) you knew is gone but the real person is me and I think always was just me! I am Danya and my doctors, therapists etc are all working to make that happen. I would really appreciate your taking a step back and understanding this is not about "kinky sex" or some kind of weird perversion or whatever you have in your head. This is not about me having sex its about who and what I am.

I have discussed my brother at length in posts from April 2008 (and perhaps into May) of last year. In the months before I saw him, and received his 'bizarre' summation of my existence, I gave him all kinds of resource information on transgender people and desribed my own experience. I don't want to open that can of worms again. As I stated then, there is no way to reason with my brother. I've tried before and never made more than a dent in his certitude of being correct about everything. He sees no shades of gray so everything is either totally right or totally wrong. This is the way he is and I know he gets a feeling of security from this attitude. He needs that and he will not give it up.

The only way I will ever discuss my life experience with him again is if he respectfully asks and I feel some confidence that he is sincere. Anyway, I can get by quite well without his acceptance and understanding.

mrt (imported) wrote: Tue May 26, 2009 8:18 pm I know this is difficult because many people with this problem just are not very upfront about it. Why? its not criminal and from everything I can read there is no religious issue with it either. If you disagree I would be very curious. And please cite your sources!

Actually, there are many religious groups for which transsexuality is not at all acceptable. You can easily find these with a Google search.

This does not mean I buy into the arguments of those groups. My brother does.

I don't want to turn this thread into an argument about religious views. That's not what it's about. I will be very happy to discuss this with you privately.

Hugs,

Danya

I'm sorry I didn't mean to open that old can of worms. Your brothers attitude just seems so goofy I guess its like Einstein said the only real infinite thing in the universe is stupidity.

Or was it ignorance? Well both I'm sure...

SIGH

mrt (imported) wrote: Wed May 27, 2009 6:28 am I'm sorry I didn't mean to open that old can of worms. Your brothers attitude just seems so goofy I guess its like Einstein said the only real infinite thing in the universe is stupidity.

Or was it ignorance? Well both I'm sure...

SIGH

Hi MrT,

You really didn't open that old can of worms. I simply responded that I was not going to go there.

If you look back at a number of my posts near the beginning of this thread, you will see several extensive ones on my experience with my brother. My third post from April 25, 2008 probably sums up everything the best. I clearly asserted my position and let him know we could not have a relationship if he continued in the thinking he expressed during my visit. Overall, I think I handled that in a healthy way. And it must have worked, because he did respon

mrt (imported) wrote: Tue May 26, 2009 8:18 pm [quote="Danya (imported)" time=124324416

0]
d to my Christmas card in Dec 2008 with
[/quote]
one addressed to Danya.

Unfortunately, my brother remains ignorant about many things.

Hugs,

Danya

Today has been one of the worst days at the office since I started at my company years ago.

I was beginning to write a lot more about what happened but I cannot. All I'll say is that twice I felt like I was going to start crying because of the way I was being treated when I try so hard to do my job and I am pleasant with everyone. Fortunately, I did not cry. I am still adjusting to my new emotions, though.

Part of what I got back today was something that sounded like an invitation to a duel at the OK Corral. Seriously.

None of this had anything to do with my being transsexual.

My own department knows I am doing a fine job. So what's the problem, then? I cannot discuss that here.

Normally I would say that I won't allow the person who treated me poorly to affect how I feel and I would be fine. Things were so bad, today, though that my gut-level reaction is more, well, gutsy. All I'll say is I have a number of words in mind for this 'person' that are not at all polite. As long as I deal with my anger before tomorrow, everything will be fine.

After I wrote my last post Thursday evening, I felt very relaxed. Writing is therapeutic for me. I slept well that night.

Everything turned out fine at the office Friday. I suspect the way I behaved played a big role. I remained calm and polite the entire day. My difficult coworker noticed this.

Everything else in my life continues to go well. By late June, I will be able to send surgeon Marci Bowers the $500 deposit to lock in her fee for GRS. If I must accept a specific surgery date, though, I may wait. Before I commit to a date, I need to know I can bring in a relatively steady second income.