I want to add my two cents to what now has to be the longest running thread EVER on the eunuch archive. It has been a very time since I have posted on here. I have a tendency to only watch the chemical castration part of the board. Eventually if you keep reading, you'll see why I'm posting on this thread.
It appears that men driven towards castration fall into a few categories. 1) It's simply a fetish 2) They have BIID issues, which means they feel that their testicles are alien, don't belong to them, and need to be gone. 3) It is a control issue over their sex drive and/or masculinity and has more to do with a means to an end. 4) transgendered 5) (related to number 3) those who identify as M2E (male to eunuch), which means that they don't strongly identify with either masculine or feminine traits.
It also appears that those most likely to act out on castration are those that start with a desire of castration as a teenager and that desire consistently grows stronger over time.
The first time that I thought about castration, I was around 13 years old. I had just started puberty and I knew something wasn't right. I didn't like the way I felt, but it's hard to be more specific. It wasn't anything physical and it wasn't because I was being harassed as some teenagers are as they go through puberty. In some indescribable way, something was not right.
I grew up on a small family farm. We raised calves to be butchered and to sell at market. Unsurprisingly, part of working cattle meant that they were castrated. With young calves we used an elasterator with the green bands to castrate them. From an early age, I understood what it meant to castrate animals. With pigs it was even more obvious and if I might say, violent, when it came time to castrating them with a scalpel. I understood that castration made for more docile animals and prevented them from reaching maturity as a male. And despite being young, I made the connection that my own coming of age could be halted if I were to be castrated.
I remember clearly one day going down into the basement where the elasterator was hanging on the wall. I just stood there looking at it and wondering what it would feel like around my sac. I also briefly thought about the fact that it could stop what was going on inside of me. I wasn't very serious about doing anything at that young age. I would have been too scared even if I was serious about it. It was just something that would come to mind over the next few years.
As I progressed through puberty and I began to have a sex drive, it wasn't too long until I started to realize that I was not attracted to girls. Because of my religious beliefs at the time and my upbringing, I was not in a good position to deal with being gay. Things took a serious turn for the worse in my life. I became extremely angry and hated myself to the fullest extent. I went through several periods of deep depression. Things got so bad that I became suicidal and nearly took my life twice. At some point I realized that I could end this problem by getting rid of my sex drive all together. It seemed like a far better alternative than suicide. And I started to think about castration a LOT--almost every day.
The first time that I used an elasterator was at 15 or 16 years old. It was poorly planned out. I went out to the barn one summer day and found it laying amongst other supplies. I loaded the tool and locked it in the open position. I stood staring at it for a long time and contemplating about how it would be such a relief to be rid of my sex drive. I had every intention of going through with castrating myself if I placed that band on me. I had no intention of removing it after I put it on. After 15 or 20 minutes, I made the decision to do it. I dropped my pants and underwear. And carefully I slid the band over my testicles. I was nervous, sweating, and my hands were shaking. I rolled the band off the top prongs and knew there was no going back. I felt a tight pinch, but was unconcerned. I proceeded to pull the band off the bottom prongs. Then suddenly it was over and the band was around my sac beginning to squeeze the life out of my balls and depriving them of their blood supply. I felt a tremendous sense of relief. I just stood there in the summer heat looking down at what I had done. I was amazed that it didn't hurt at all and thought maybe it really was as painless as we had been told as kids. I would just need to wait a couple of weeks for them to fall off. hah. such wishful and naive thinking.
After 5 minutes, pain began to kick in. And suddenly a wave of panic set in. I needed to get that band off and immediately. I pulled my pants and underwear back up and rushed into the house. The pain was continuing to escalate and I wasn't immediately finding a pair of scissors. Maybe 10 minutes went by? I have no idea, it seemed like an eternity. I finally found a pair of scissors and went into the bathroom. After several more minutes of trying to slide the blade of the scissors underneath the band, I found success and cut the band away. As much pain as I was in at that point, I was not prepared for the sudden and intense pain from cutting the band away. You know what I mean if you have done it before. LoL
This incident REALLY increased my desire for castration. I felt that I HAD to do it, but it was finding a way to force my way through the pain. I kept thinking of ways that I could get the band on and then tie myself up so by the time I was found my balls would be dead. I never could find a sure fire way of making that happen and so I didn't act on it.
Ironically I began to think about castration as I jacked off as a teenager. And the idea of castration became exciting all on its own. It even led to using the elasterator several more times as a teenager. But only the first time had I really been intent on castrating myself with it. I even risked searching for information on castration in high school. The internet was just beginning to become accessible to the average person in the mid 90's.
It wasn't until I went off to college was I at a point in life that I could deal with being gay. It took several months as a freshman to work through that process, but I eventually got through it. And I'm now 100% okay with being gay. In fact, I wouldn't change my sexuality even if it were possible. The interest in castration did not stop there. It simply changed.
Some time in my late teens I began to experience periodic episodes of hypersexuality. I had no idea what it was and honestly thought that it was normal. It wasn't until the years went by did I notice that there was a pattern and it was becoming more frequent. My sex drive would go from normal to extreme levels and it would stay that way for about 6 weeks on average. Sometimes it would just happen once a year and sometimes it would happen as frequently as four times a year. I honestly thought that it was some kind of fluctuation in my hormone levels. I thought that they would just go sky high and drive my sex drive to insane levels. It got so high that my sex drive was simply out of control.
I began to once again be driven towards castration, but for completely different reasons. I felt that if I was castrated, I would have direct control over my hormones and I could keep it on the even keel.
The bouts of hypersexuality and the corresponding struggle went on for years. And the desire for castration grew stronger and stronger. I wanted control over my libido and I was willing to do anything to have that control. I continued to play with the elasterator over the years, but I also began to more seriously search out a way to safely castrate myself. I found the burdizzo interesting, but far from a sure fire way of getting the job done.
In the meantime, I had become very interested in weight lifting. I had never been terribly happy with my body since I was a teenager. I had been weight lifting for several years. I started working out for social reasons when a good friend asked me to come along for moral support--he was trying to lose weight. But I ended up continuing to go well after he stopped. I enjoyed lifting weights and I liked the changes that I saw. At some point I plateaued and was no longer seeing any changes. Unsurprisingly to those that know me, I decided to start taking supplements. Eventually I started taking pro-hormones. Pro-hormones are substances that when ingested are converted by the body into an androgen. The androgen isn't always testosterone either. I was taking something called 1-AD, which is a precursor to 1-testosterone. 1-testosterone is a LOT more anabolic than even straight testosterone. And it was seriously affecting me. Not only was I seeing excellent gains again in my weight training, but I could tell it was shutting down my own natural production of testosterone. While I was taking it, it was the first time in life that I actually felt like a guy inside. Things just felt right, but I have no idea how to better explain it. It is only recently have I been able to admit that I never felt like a guy inside except for that small amount of time. I was just too embarrassed to tell anyone. Anyway, I had to stop taking the 1-AD because it was causing fatigue and other undesirable side effects. And eventually all pro-hormones became illegal in the USA. I bring this part of my life up because of its implications as you shall shortly see.
Finally at 26 years old, the hypersexuality got way out of control and I ended up burning myself. I was using a heating pack on my scrotum. I didn't realize that getting a burn was a matter of temperature AND time. And it was possible to give yourself a burn at a much lower temperature than I thought was possible. It wasn't anything too serious. But it set off a whole chain reaction of events. First I decided that things absolutely went to far and I needed to pull back my sex drive. With the support of my other half, I ordered depo provera. It took a while to get it. And once it was inside of me, it took about a week to seriously draw down my sex drive. I felt a tremendous sense of relief for the first time in life. My sex drive was in check and I just felt calm and relaxed. That didn't last long though. I ended up seeking professional help and got diagnosed bipolar. My mood for the first time started to rapidly cycle and oh holy hell did life suck.
It eventually stopped cycling and I eventually accepted being bipolar. I didn't accept it easily. I forced my doctor to measure my testosterone levels several times and once during a period of hypersexuality. And you know what? It was pretty consistent across each test. And I am in the middle of the range.
I finally understood for the first time that the hypersexuality was being caused by changes in brain chemistry and not because of some change in hormone levels. Given all rational things, one might have expected that my drive towards castration would have ended there. But it didn't. Here we are nearly 6 years later and it is even stronger than it has been in the past.
Every time that I go through a bout of hypersexuality during hypomania, the castration issue comes to the burning forefront. It isn't something that I can avoid and it isn't something I can put off. What is normally a low level drive for castration and getting on HRT, becomes an overwhelming desire to go through with it in the here and now.
Ever since being diagnosed with bipolar type 2, I have met with several therapists but without much consistency. I never felt they were terribly helpful. And they never really helped with the castration issue. Usually they were timid and wanted to skirt the issue, especially the women! I never did go on any kind of mood stabilizer or anti-depressant. I have been successful and happy in life despite the mood struggles that I have on occasion. I have become well adapted to the changes in mood and it largely doesn't interfere with family, friends, and work. I'm not saying its easy by any means, just that I am able to deal with it.
About 6 months ago, I started seeing a new therapist after having not seen one in over two years. Things were set in motion the year before. I began to experience hypomania and it continued for a record 9 months! Honestly everything about my hypomania is great, except for one thing--the hypersexuality. And after 9 months I was beginning to lose control and I was in serious jeopardy of acting out on my desire for castration without much forethought. I decided once again to rely on depo provera. I wanted to push it a little further than I had done the first time. I ended up taking two shots back to back. And then 3 more shots a one month intervals. It killed both the hypomania and the hypersexuality. I felt an immense sense of relief. My sex drive went down, but ironically my sense of intimacy went up. I wanted sex more often, but I had no desire myself to get off. I ended up climaxing about every two weeks. I lost all spontaneous erections to my knowledge and it was somewhat harder to get it up and get off. But I generally didn't have a problem getting off. I wish that I would have measured my testosterone level at that time.
I didn't have any problems with my mood while I was on the depo provera for the second time in life, but once it started to wear off it caused instability in my mood. There is something painful about the slow relentless drive upwards in testosterone. It's like a painful puberty that just won't end. If I could get back to normal testosterone levels quickly instead of dragging it out over 2 or more months, I don't think it would be such an issue.
With my current therapist, it took him a while to come up to speed on things. It helped a LOT that i have written volumes about everything that has happened in my life as it relates to all of this. And I let him read every last word. To give you some idea, the last time I ran a word count it was at 93,000+ words!
At first he thought that this desire for castration could easily be solved. Oh how that was wishful thinking on his part. First he thought that it was being driven by some kind of anxiety and I was really in no danger of going through with it. Nope, I don't have any anxiety about castration or something related. Next he thought it was some kind of self harm issue, such as those that cut themselves when they are depressed. No, it isn't that. Then he thought it was simply a fetish and he had successfully helped other people over come them. Yeah, it has become a fetish, but there is far more to it than just that. Then he thought it was a matter of understanding how all this came to be and then cognitively working through it. I already understood how I got to where I am today. I went through that process on my own several years ago when I got diagnosed bipolar. This whole process turned out to be more for his benefit than mine. Eventually he was at a loss. This really isn't something that is clearly found in the DSM-IV. And it has been unlike anything he has encountered before.
A few weeks ago, the desire for castration had gone up and it was eating at me. It had nothing to do with hypersexuality. I haven't been that way in quite a while. I sat down one night entirely intent on injecting everclear into my nuts. I went out and bought 24ga 1.5" needles, 3cc syringes, and everclear. I took a warm bath to loosen up my sac and to more easily grasp my nuts and put them into a position to inject. I didn't have a hard on and I wasn't finding this sexual at all. I sat in the tub for a good 30 minutes and contemplated if this was something that I really wanted. It was. And I wanted control over my sex drive and sense of masculinity once and for all. I was tired of struggling with it and feeling that things weren't right. I got out of the tub, setup some video equipment, and prepped myself. I started with the left nut. It took about 5 minutes to get the courage to drive that needle deep into the nut from the bottom and into the center. Slowly I injected 1.5cc over several minutes. I took a small break and repeated on the right side. I felt each nut and felt that there was still room for a bit more everclear. So I went back in and injected about 1.5cc more into each nut. The pain dramatically went up on the left side. Maybe some of the everclear had worked its way up into the vas deferens or maybe it was just too much. It seems that 3cc is a bit excessive based on the anecdotal accounts on here. I'm not for sure what it was, but it hurt like hell. The pain was pretty intense. Luckily it went down to a manageable amount after 8 hours. My nuts really swelled up, especially the smaller left one. Normally it is smaller than the right one, but now it was twice its normal size. My nuts hurt off and on over the next few days and it took quite a number of days for the swelling to go down. I'd say it took about a week in total.
I actually hadn't read this thread before I injected my nuts with everclear. I didn't realize that it took several injections before you did enough damage to permanently shut them down and have them shrink up. Anyway, right after injecting my nuts I immediately felt a tremendous sense of relief. It was like the weight of the whole world had been lifted off of my shoulders. I finally felt free and I couldn't wait until they atrophied and I could begin HRT. I was disappointed a few days later when I realized that it would take more than one injection to accomplish that what I had set out to do in one injection.
I wasn't initially going to tell my therapist about what I had done, but I am very open about things in general. So I told him in my next session with him. He was a little surprised, but not entirely. He understood the struggle that I have had over the years. And for him, this was a clear sign that I needed a concrete way of dealing with this problem. Going out on my own and doing this hardly seemed like the best option.
We talked a lot about it. And we both agree that my desire for castration is not some kind of BIID issue. It is all about control over my libido and masculinity. It always has been been. It's just that the reasons have evolved over time. We both decided that the best way to deal with my problem is to deal with it medically and not psychologically. There is not a great reason to go through with castration if it is possible to go on some form of HRT. He feels that as long as whatever I choose is healthy and within a normal range of testosterone, I should find the level that is right for me.
Ironically this brings up an interesting issue. Well what level is right? Is it lower or higher? If I go up, I'll need to take some form of testosterone and if I go down, I likely will end up using a certain amount of depo provera. Because I have tried going down and know what things are like down there, I have decided on going up first. My inclination is to start on the high side and work down until I find the right amount. Starting low and slowly working up will likely screw with my mood. Going the other way should be much more mood neutral. I base this on loose experience. I've never had a mood problem just going down on testosterone.
I am going to my general practitioner tomorrow to discuss this and see if he is willing to work with me and my therapist on this issue. He may decide to send me to an endocrinologist, but I have some faith that he will be willing to help. I don't expect him to immediately prescribe testosterone. I have already signed a consent form that will allow him to talk to my therapist about everything. But maybe in the next couple of weeks I could start something. I hope.
I am a little nervous about what he will say. I know I have been a bit of a pain in the ass over the years. But he is also very caring and understanding. And he may not be entirely surprised. When I first got diagnosed with bipolar, I ended up telling him about the depo provera and my desire for castration.
Anyway, if you got this far, thanks for reading. Feel free to ask anything.
BTW, I haven't noticed any permanent changes from just a single injection of 3cc in each testical.
