I feel really calm just now. Almost perhaps eunuch like.

May tomorrow bring more of this feeling of peace.

But no, alas I have not got my hands on Androcur yet

There is perhaps another obstacle in my quest for harder drugs that I have overlooked.

Early on during my visits to my doctor (in about March/April 2010) there was one session where I allowed my parents to see him alone. They had really wanted to do this - to discuss their side and view to my story. They saw him for about half an hour and then I saw him for about twenty minutes, and that was it for that session. It's possible that they made him promise to them that he would never allow me to go down the path I was seeking. Possible. It might explain further as to why my doctor was so keen to stop seeing me in about June last year, but I was adamant that that was not going to happen. So - especially considering what I have heard about the recent eunuch forum overseas - our next meeting really will be the crucial one. It should determine once and for all whether I am just banging my head against a brick wall.

My doctor has not replied to an email I sent him 5 or so days ago. I mentioned our upcoming appointment and that I still wanted the same thing; plus I mentioned what I had heard about doctors being given more freedom to prescribe hard stuff to patients who want chemical castration. I don't see it as a good sign that he hasn't replied.

I am not sure what I will do next if I find myself banging my upper head against the hard stuff after I see him (rather than my lower head against the hard stuff which is what I want!). I figure that I will just go on living as is (unless an Androcur drug dealer on the EA contacts me; I will pay good money lol), though possibly upping my bastard levels even more so and being even more reckless in my attempts for sex.

In anycase, I feel 100% loved and in love, so life really ain't too bad for me.

And I would always forgive my parents for whatever they did, because they always love me 100% too.

Yep, August 2, and the period close to that was very important. It can be difficult to see things for what they are at the time. I just went back and read over my posts on this thread on the 2nd and 6th because of something I read today, whilst at work (during my lunchbreak). It's almost as if I knew tht was written, without actually knowing. Well, in anycase, I'm not really exactly sure of what it all means. It often doesn't really help me to think a lot about things. It's better to quickly take something in, and then just allow it to simmer away inside of me. Something could strike me in 12 hours, or 12 days, but in time it does tend to strike.

Well things have struck me, but anyway.

2 things:

My relationship is dead. It is dead inside of me. It is hopeless. It is boring. It seems that a relationship shouldn't be rated (or nothing particularly concrete about it should be declared) within its first 2 months; for the initial spark of a companionship can indeed be misleading. I don't hate my girlfriend or anything. I'm just a zombie - I feel nothing. None of that is helped by my unwillingness to really be myself. She still knows nothing of depression medication, desires to remove my sex drive. I hope to just get out of this without too much of an uproar, which is possibly impossible, and being someone who hates confrontation, I'm not interested in going through what I did with the last break up. I think that she really wants me (and plays a lot of games) because I am not really into her. Now I am starting to see why there are so many couples out there who are together despite not really being into each other. Go figure.

But I ain't upset or anything. I have had many magical life moments of late.

The other thing is that I want to try out life without my sex drive even if it means being always single. By being in relationships I've learned that they aren't necessarily that great (particularly when you don't own your own heart - and I'm soooo happy though that it's still with another) - I'm just not sure that men and women can really co-exist happily in a physical relationship whilst being honest with themselves and each other; there are just too many sexual desire differences between the two. But I remain convinced that the removal of my poison can change this. I need to do something about it. And without my sex drive I see so many other things improve, regardless of a proper relationship or not (though I still greatly desire the relationship). Happy to spend more time with Bella (she is a fantastic companion, just living with animal/s wouldn't be such a poor existence), and number 1, wanting to write books again.

Another thing is that I believe I will continue to hurt people if things stay as they are. It's better for society and me if things change. People just need to not take offence. There is no need to.