Having had hormone issues where I was low, normal etc I can say that in my experience this has made me "Different" enough that there were short periods of asking "Who am I?" so I think feeling different is quite normal. As to being transgendered the time spent in the wrong mode seems just as you state it. And artificial construction done to please others. Which can never be a good idea ( i think )

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Mar 02, 2009 3:31 pm This probably isn't news to most who read this thread. It is becoming clearer to me all the time what a different person I am from the old me. This goes well beyond feeling more free and confident. It seems that every aspect of who I am is affected.

It’s more than who I am now, though. It’s the person I am still becoming - an ongoing process as I become more authentically me. It’s more extensive and startling than I suspected when I first become aware of it months ago. The old person and the new are very different and diverging further all the time.

This is related to deconstructing my former male persona. At least those parts that no longer work or fit. For good or ill, that male self had his own interests and desires that don't necessarily mesh with those of my real self.

It’s exciting but it also makes me a little sad. The latter all has to do with being an 'artificial' person for decades. This doesn’t mean I’m feeling upset. I’m not.

I'll come back to this topic another time.

Hi Danya!

With the risk of being rude I have to ask if you have left any traditional "male" fields of interest, cars, horseracing, soccerwatching, or something and turned to any classical "female" fields.

For instance: Are you learning to knit or doing needlework or something nowadays that you definitely "couldn´t" have done as a man.

Greetings

John

mrt (imported) wrote: Tue Mar 03, 2009 8:22 am Having had hormone issues where I was low, normal etc I can say that in my experience this has made me "Different" enough that there were short periods of asking "Who am I?" so I think feeling different is quite normal. As to being transgendered the time spent in the wrong mode seems just as you state it. And artificial construction done to please others. Which can never be a good idea ( i think )

Hi MrT,

You are right, I constructed my male persona to please others. Most people, especially children, want to fit in. That was my motivation. It wasn't the healthiest coping mechanism, but as a child that was the best I could manage. Then my 'male persona' stuck around for many years as my preferred way of coping and attempting, never very successfully, to fit in as male adult.

Thank God I can be myself at last!

Hugs,

Danya

John (imported) wrote: Tue Mar 03, 2009 11:44 am Hi Danya!

With the risk of being rude I have to ask if you have left any traditional "male" fields of interest, cars, horseracing, soccerwatching, or something and turned to any classical "female" fields.

For instance: Are you learning to knit or doing needlework or something nowadays that you definitely "couldn´t" have done as a man.

Greetings

John

Hi John,

I don't view your comments or questions as rude, my friend.

First, I want to state that I doubt that either stereotypically masculine or feminine interests, by themselves, can be a basis for deciding that one is transgender. There is a big overlap of interests in men and women.

Anyway, despite my efforts to fit in as a man I never had much success. Friends suggested I learn more about sports, and watch regularly, so I could discuss team scores, statistics and so on. I tried that for a week or two in my late teens, then gave up. I was bored.

The only sports I have ever enjoyed watching are some of the Olympic events.

I always had an interest in fast cars, though, and at one point I owned a sports car. Even then, people who knew me said I didn't seem to 'fit' with the car. I enjoyed it, though, and liked the fast acceleration. One night, at around 2 AM one January, I was the only car in sight on a stretch of interstate highway in the Virginia mountains. With all the curves in the road, I felt relatively certain I would not be spotted by a police office. I accelerated to a high speed and loved it. I dropped back to near the speed limit within 2 miles, though.

Another male-type interest I had was action, thriller and science fiction movies. I was always a huge 'Star Wars' fan, for instance.

Then I built more than one career in very technical fields that had few women members, for whatever reason.

Conversely, I also enjoyed needlepoint and crewel work. I spent a huge amount of time alone practising the piano and organ.

Here are a few things that have changed, particularly in the last few months.

1. I started to watch one of the 'Star Wars' movies recently. After about 5 minutes, I couldn't take any more! I turned it off.

Throughout my life, I've enjoyed romantic comedies and dramas. Now, those are about the only types that really hold my attention. The more romance involved, the better.

2. Cars - I hadn't really thought of this one until you brought it up. I have no interest now in owning a sports car and I don't think this is related to my age. Two years ago, I would have been thrilled if I had been able to purchase another sports car. Today, I'm more interested in leg room, heated seats (thanks to Erica for that one!), a decent but not overwhelming sound system, etc. I don't have those in my compact (or below) Dodge Neon, but I'm OK with that!

3. Music - since I was in 5th grade, I loved listening to, practising and performing classical music. I continued piano lessons through college, where I also had two years of music theory classes.

I took advanced organ lessons during several periods over the years. The most recent was 4 years ago, when my teacher was one of the top organ professionals in this area. In other words, I took this all very seriously.

Just to illustrate how intensely I was involved, close friends have been surprised a number of times when I could whistle different instrumental parts to a symphony, for instance, from memory. I don't do that anymore. We all know women who whistle get bad reputations!

Within the last 2 - 3 months, my interests in classical music and jazz have been less important to me. I still love these genres and continue to play the piano and, occasionally, the pipe organ.

But now, I occasionally find some of my favorite classical recordings boring, of all things! It all depends on my mood. I am increasingly interested in women vocalists (jazz, pop, rock, blues, etc.) of the latter part of the 20th century onward, and many types of music I spent little time enjoying before. Tugon first sparked my interest in women singers when he sent me some CDs.

4. My career interests, were, as I stated heavily invested in technical fields. Science and IT, to be exact.

I continue to work in a high tech area, but I don't find it nearly as interesting as I used to. I can still do technical things well, but if I had my life to do over as a woman, I would have taken a very different path. Most likely, I would have chosen a career in the humanities or, perhaps, as a therapist. Then again, I might have pursued a career in music.

I used to write occasional posts on science and technology issues right here on the Archive. If someone asked for my opinion, I am certain I could give the same type of response I gave then. I'm simply not that interested in doing so. I can't remember the last time I posted anything on science on EA, although I could look it up. Nope, not interested!

I still enjoy reading science studies in the life sciences, chemistry and physics and all of their permutations. I rarely read IT publications now, though.

Hugs,

Danya

The last several days have been difficult for me. For a time Thursday evening, I was concerned my already strong, new emotions were getting out of control. These were not positive emotions, either.

It started while I was watching the moving "Antoine Fisher". This is the story of a very angry sailor who is prone to violence. He's sent to the base psychiatrist. Most of the movie is about Antoine revealing emotions he has hidden from everyone for years. They are all related to his abandonment by his mother and the major abuse he received growing up, at the hands of his foster mother. He never knew his father, who was killed by a girlfriend. In the latter part of the movie, he also reveals that he witnessed his best teenage friend being shot and killed.

By working through his emotions and, near the end of the story, finding what remained of his birth family, Antoine is able to put his anger to rest. He met his mother for the first time. It was clear she was never fit to be a mother. He was welcomed with joy by the immediate and extended family of the father he had never met.

I had a rough idea of the story line before I watched the film. I expected I would cry a little. Instead, I was sobbing and wailing - a lot. Perhaps I should have turned off the movie, but I wanted to know that Antoine's life got turned around.

Although I did not relate to Antoine's extreme anger that showed itself in his short-temper and fist fights, I related on a very deep level with his feelings of abandonment and his being abused as a child. On another level, I related to Antoine's horror at seeing his best friend being shot. I cannot go into all the details, but I connected the shooting of Antoine's friend with myown assault about 25 years ago. When the police finally arrived on the scene, things looked so bad they thought someone had been shot.

I've written here before the I was an emotionally abandoned child. This was a form of abuse. I was left to grow up on my own without the benefit of nurturing parents. My father and mother were there, physically, and they provided food and shelter. I was not accepted for who I was and they actively beat down any attempts I made to express my true self. They never laid a hand on me (although my mother physically abused one of my brothers), but their verbal assaults on who I was were real.

The person I used to be had dealt with the emotions I had about my childhood. I spoke with therapists and put in a lot of effort to forgive my parents and move on.

The intensity of my emotional response to "Antoine Fisher" frightened me. I have not felt emotions that strong since my first episode of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD) in about 1989. That was five years after I was assaulted and was my own repressed anger at my attackers coming out. The fact that these strong emotions were not at all related to the happiness I write about, but grief, added to my fear that things might spiral out of control. I was concerned I might be experiencing PSTD over my childhood abandonment.

Fortunately for me, a good friend was available to talk at the late hour I called, sometime after the film was over. He is in a position to know about many of the issues transsexual (and transgender) people face. After we spoke awhile, I calmed down. He gave his view on my reaction to the movie. He said that the new me, Danya, with her very new life and feelings will have to repeat some of the work my former 'male' self had already completed to leave my past behind. I didn't tell him this, but for a moment or two I was horrified at that idea. I am convinced he is right, however, and an email response from my gender therapist about this indicates she agrees. This is fairly common in transsexual persons, many of whom had unhappy childhoods.

I have read about a type of PSTD related to the repression of a child's gender identity. It's getting too late for me to find the link tonight. I will work on that another time.

Whatever definition is used to explain my reaction to "Antoine Fisher", I know I need to discuss it with my gender therapist. She is also experienced in the treatment of PTSD. I had constructed my male persona as a way to cope. I suspect that part of that coping mechanism was at least a partial repression of how bad my childhood really was. Maybe part of the answer I had worked out was a male-type reaction of hiding my emotions to a greater extent than I realized. I need to once again deal with the anger I have about my never having a childhood. The solution that worked for my former 'male' self doesn't work for me, a much more emotional person who is different in many ways. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.

I may also need to revisit my reactions to being assaulted - from my new, very female perspective. That would be very painful. A brief reminder during the movie was difficult to handle. I'm not yet convinced that I need to open the door on that experience again, but if I need to, I will.

I have wanted to express my sense of loss that the writer who started the Despair (

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed Jul 16, 2008 5:06 pm http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=1

5193) thread left the group so abruptly while still sounding so hopeless. Tonight, I decided to express my feelings on that thread. I was emotionally drained after I added my own 2-cents worth there. It's painful for me to bring up memories of being assaulted. I will do that, after careful consideration, if I think there is a chance the story may help others. It's never easy, though.

On to lighter matters, for one paragraph at least. It's now 10 days until the Vernal Equinox and we are having a snowstorm here in the southern reaches of the tundra. I was joking with someone at work today that, with daylight remaining later into the evening, we'd have more time to enjoy that white stuff after work tomorrow.

This is another difficult week for me. There's more going on than I wrote about in my last post. I'm not ready to write about these other things, and I may never be. I will, however, discuss it all with my gender therapist. Typically, I see her once a month and most of the visits turn out to be not much more than a chance to have a enjoyable conversation. My visit with her this week will be different.

No part of that "more going on" stuff is a direct result of my transitioning to living my life as a woman. I'm simply a worn out, stressed out, burned out person who happens to be a transsexual woman.

I don't know if this is of value but being "powerless" is to many people a big piece of why an assault makes them feel vunerable later. Have you ever considered taking a self defense class? Maybe a martial arts or even a firearms class? I ahh.. Know this guy (Me) who would be glad to have you join us shooting. I'm not saying you should walk around packing a "heater" or anything but... A thought.

mrt (imported) wrote: Fri Mar 13, 2009 5:49 pm I don't know if this is of value but being "powerless" is to many people a big piece of why an assault makes them feel vunerable later. Have you ever considered taking a self defense class? Maybe a martial arts or even a firearms class? I ahh.. Know this guy (Me) who would be glad to have you join us shooting. I'm not saying you should walk around packing a "heater" or anything but... A thought.

Hi MrT,

It's good to hear from you.

My friend Tugon suggested, some months ago, that I take a self-defense class. It was a good idea then and it is a good idea now. I just haven't done it yet. Instead, I tend to stay home at night where it's 'safe'.

I have trouble imagining myself in a martial arts class, let alone ever using the techniques in self-defense. I have this picture of myself merely tapping someone on the shoulder and rendering him or her powerless, or worse. I know there's a lot more to any of the martial arts. This is a good idea, though. I first need to adjust my thinking on it.

I am surprised, for some reason I find the idea of firearms training appealing. I have never fired a gun and I definitely would not want to carry one. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure I have ever touched a gun or rifle.

To practice shooting, though, sounds like fun. I cannot believe my reaction to this idea! Let me give this some thought and I'll get back to you.

I need to heed both your advice and Tugon's on this self-defense training.

Hugs,

Danya

I think that the idea of a self-defense class is a good one. Rather than enrolling in a martial arts class I suggest one of the shorter, more on point self-defense classes offered to women at the YWCA, school district or community center. --FLO--

Uncle Flo (imported) wrote: Sat Mar 14, 2009 6:51 am I think that the idea of a self-defense class is a good one. Rather than enrolling in a martial arts class I suggest one of the shorter, more on point self-defense classes offered to women at the YWCA, school district or community center. --FLO--

Hi Flo,

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed Jul 09, 2008 8:50 am It's alway[quote="Danya (imported)"

time=1211370960]
s good to hear from you. I appreciate your
[/quote]
suggestion on types of self-defense courses. I will look into local offerings. I'm sure I can find something similar to what you suggest.

Hugs,

Danya