Last night, I was in a dark mood that I could not shake. It was so bad, I did not feel I could explain much of the 'why' behind it. It was enough to write down the experience. That helped me start to recover. Today, I am doing very well. I've returned to my 'normal' emotional state. That of a young to mid-teen girl whose emotions are, sometimes, tempered by 'wisdom' gained over a 57-year life.
My often volatile emotions are a result of the estrogen I take. I am thrilled with its physical, psychological and emotional effects.
My life has been terrific since that day over nine months ago when I transitioned to full time living as a woman. I've also noted that, amazingly (to me, at least), my life continues to get better.
This does not mean I have had no difficult times. Far from it, although the trying hours or days did not persist.
Last night was one more example of a difficult time for me, related to transitioning. It is true that I have much to be thankful for. Overall, everything has gone extremely smoothly.
I knew about the physical and, to an extent, psychological changes estrogen would induce. Those I have either welcomed or I was able to adjust to without much effort.
I had read and heard all kinds of professional and personal accounts of the emotional effects to be expected from estrogen. I was not prepared for the depth of these changes. Knowing what to expect is one thing, experiencing is another altogether.
For the most part, I love my new emotions. Not only do they feel so right, and confirm who I am, but these emotions allow me to more fully become the woman I am. All of this seems wonderful, and it is.
Becoming my "true self" goes beyond acceptance of my feminine gender. A large part of that is intellectual, although it is based on deep-rooted feelings I had even before I began estrogen treatment.
Estrogen has such a profound effect on me that I am becoming far more feminine, and so obviously a woman in emotional make up, than I had imagined possible.
When I transitioned at work, I hadn't started estrogen. I told a woman friend in the coporate Human Resources office that I would go through with my work and life transition to living as a woman, whether or not I was ever prescribed estrogen. I knew I had no choice. Once I accepted who I truly am, I could not do otherwise.
Estrogen enhances my transition and helps me to more fully become
But the more I express my true self, the desire for completion becomes greater. As the months pass since I began the hormone, the more of an insistent need I feel for GRS, for example.
This quote is from Transgender Care (
http://www.transgendercare.com/guidance ... gender.htm):
"But the more one expresses one's true self, the desire for more becomes greater. Some individuals continue expressing themselves more and more, others panic and purge only to start again later."
I am definitely expressing myself "more and more". Unlike those purgers in the quote who panic over the self they are discovering, I have welcomed the changes to my body, mind and emotions.
There was something else going on last night, when I wrote about wanting to give up, although I knew I would not do so. What I felt was that I am becoming so completely feminine that I could never be happy without GRS. That was frightening, because surgery may still be several years off. I was close to despair.
Before I experienced the full effects of estrogen, I never imagined feeling that I absolutely must have GRS to be complete. In my interior existence I knew, after all, that I am a woman. Shouldn't that be enough?
I understand those who would say "You've already accomplished so much in your transition, be happy for that." I agree and I am very happy much of the time.
My mind and emotions, though, do not exist in total separation from my body. In the end, estrogen is a bit of a double-edged sword. I want the very desirable changes it brings. Some of those changes, however, come with a strong yearning for more. To those who have not experienced this, it must be difficult to imagine the intensity of this desire. As I wrote earlier, I was not fully prepared for this profound effect.
This is from an Australian site, GenderCentre.org (
http://www.gendercentre.org.au/3article4.htm). It was written by a female-to-male person, who describes hormone-induced emotional imbalance:
"There is hanging over our heads the perpetual fear of being denied access to the physical sculpturing of our bodies. So to discuss my emotional imbalance or fear could cut off the life blood of hormone injections and sabotage any future surgical experience. I learned quickly to place a veneer of strength and balance before me. My pride fortified this outer shell by refusing to allow even my friends the knowledge that I was perpetually overwhelmed by the vastness of my undertaking. I did not, and still to a degree do not, have sufficient coping mechanisms to deal with this gender process as a whole. I can only allow myself glimpses of the complete restructuring of my life. To take in simultaneously the entire consequences of changing gender is beyond my emotional or psychological capacity."
"....each day, I go about my business placing to the rear of my conscious mind any fear or vulnerability, pretending everything is okay and that being a transgenderist* is no more mind boggling than being born gay. But it is. Gender permeates nearly every face of our society."
My gender therapist is, to my good fortune, very open to discussion of doubts and fear. Not everyone is this lucky, although I suspect this is changing.
My therapist has said to me, though, that she knows "You feel you need to be strong." I told her, in response, that "I am strong." We both know this is not always true for me, but I think in large part it is.
No matter how strong I am, though, the "vastness" of the changes in my life is mind-boggling. This is partly why I frequently comment on how surprised (even at times shocked) I am by the newness of everything. At times, like the Australian writer, I feel overwhelmed by everything that is happening. That can leave me emotionally unbalanced, for a time.
All of this works out to more explanation than most here likely want or need. Many on the Archive understand these things. Only those who have experienced the pervasive changes brought on by an estrogen (or testosterone)-aided gender change, though, can fully know what it means.
Finally, I wouldn't change anything I have done since the day I decided I must live as the person I really am, a woman. That doesn't alter the fact that this journey is a huge undertaking with surprises all along the way.
* The writer self-identifies as a transgenderist. What he writes, though, leads me to believe this is a cultural difference in definitions. He is taking testosterone and lives full-time as a man, among other clues. Whether or not he is a female-to-male transsexual, his points are pertinent.
Ok, even I don't understand what I just said. But I have to give you kudos for if the ladies at work are impressed? Heck you just have to be doing something right! ANd for what its worth I've always thought of you as female from the day I met you and I don't think you have a THING to worry about.
