tugon (imported) wrote: Sun Jul 31, 2016 5:27 am My brother passed away at 6:30 AM.

Second loss in my sphere in two days. Please accept my sympathetic feelings to you and your family. --FLO--

Sincerest Condolences!

Thank you all for the condolences, much appreciated. Yesterday was the memorial service. It is always a little odd when you hear so many great tributes and I realized that he never showed me that side of him. I respected him for being a great husband and father but a very distant and judging brother. The crowd was very white, very straight and I felt even more of a minority.

I was not sure as to my role. Should I stand and greet visitors or mingle in the back. I was a distance away from family but I did introduce myself and thanked people for coming. Family was rather distant to me. I was glad I went. His sons asked me to stay in touch and I mentioned that I hope they also keep in touch. I doubt if we do.

Only you folks will be able to make that happen. You never know they might have been influenced by their father. I wish the best for you all, I do hope your able to stay in touch.

I was surprised the Pope did not attend my brother's funeral to canonize him a saint. Yes he was a good father, husband and liked by all. As I listened to all the great things that were said I often wondered why he did not share that part of him with me. I mostly remember his many times he advised me on how to behave because after all I was gay and some kind of loose cannon. He was worried I might talk about sex acts at family get-togethers. He was trying to be more accepting towards the end.

Personal bitterness aside the interesting aspect of the funeral is someone came from my father's side of the family. Our father who is not in heaven did not have much contact with his family so I knew little of his family. Once we escaped from him his family was not discussed. At 60 years of age I am trying to fill in the blanks. My paternal grandparents divorced and eventually remarried others. I was brought up to believe my father was an only child. He was the only child of my grandfather and grandmother. Yet somehow there were two young women that seemed like sisters to my father. My young self was confused. Now I know they were the children of my grandfather and their mother was a 15 year old girl.

Knowing now the behaviors of my grandfather and what my father did to me I am glad I was castrated. One of my fears is what may I become due to my sexual addiction and the need for greater thrills. If people did time back then for such sex crimes my father and grandfather would have done time. I am glad my brother was too young to be influenced by my father. He was able to grow up in a more positive environment and had good role models. Also mother liked him and bonded with him unlike me where she was unable to bond.

Maybe I can look forward to my new/old family. Wow the family might treat me differently but kindly.

Yes it is me still dealing with my loss and new family. What is odd to me is connecting with my father's family without much good to say about him. Do I tell them he was a monster to me and I lived in fear when we were together as a family? I was aware of the awful things he did to my mother and she never perceived herself as an abused woman. Between all the abuses from dad and knowing I was a disappointment to him I find it difficult to want to invest much time but they seem to be nice.

I am starting to understand how growing up with disapproval from both your mom and dad can create problems. I remember the times I was too thin so I gained weight and then I was too fat. I was never right. When you meet relatives and the thought that both your parents did not like you much makes me worry they might follow suit. Of course it will be easier to end those new relationships but I have the hope they might like me and accept me.

I do realize that due to early trauma an emotional part of me is still locked at the age when it occurred. Parts of me still react as a child and that is where a lot of the fears originate. I do know I am safe and they are only opinions but it would be nice to have family like me and not just tolerate me.

As I heal in my life and continue to move forward there are still some remnants from the past. While at work and checking in a guest my face was very red and he asked if I was okay. I told him yes and this happens sometimes and he suggested I have my blood pressure checked. It is of course not blood pressure but from feeling embarrassed. All the negativity I have suffered and the abuse and of course the shame can redden my face. Sadly all the negativity come back to remind me of the past and I redden like a vine ripened tomato. I appreciate the guest who was concerned.

Whenever you think you are past something a reminder may surprise you. Life will give you little prods to remind you that you are doing well but still work needs to be done. Life dented you but did not break you. You now have what you need to create the life you want. Believe me it can be done.

Call me crater due to a big guilt bomb being dropped on me. My sister-in-law called and wanted to know if I was going to my sister's house for Christmas. I said no because I do not feel safe when I am in her house. The last time I was there was a year ago Thanksgiving. The time she turned with that crazy, angry look and holding that butcher knife in her hand. Having had knives and guns used to force me to do things I did not that event was very triggering and then several days later when I received the list of all I had done wrong I knew our relationship was over.

My brother's wife said how important to her sons it was for me to be there. Odd other than seeing them at the funeral we have had no other contact. They do not respond to any PM's I have sent or called me at all. I offered to meet them anywhere and anytime other than my sister's house. They would not be able to accommodate me. My brother's sons are just hanging by a thread and I am the only uncle on their

tugon (imported) wrote: Sat Aug 13, 2016 11:10 pm father's side of the family. O

nce again the uncle with whom they have no contact. My older nephew whose wedding I attended, took photographs at the rehearsal dinner and gave a gift of money never mentioned any of it after the wedding. My photo's were posted and shared but no mention if they were liked or appreciated. I am not sure why my importance increases one day a year.

I did tell her I am working both Christmas eve and Christmas nights. My needing sleep would not allow me to attend. Oh and I am going to cook steak, eggs and potatoes for Corky and I Christmas morning after our walk. I have a nice bottle of wine for myself and Corky will have some fresh tap. We will have our bellies full and take a peaceful nap until it is time to get up and walk before my returning to work. That is how I want to spend Christmas. A lovely day without guilt and manipulation.

I know you as one of the good, kind, and caring people of the world. You and Corky deserve a wonderful Christmas together. I hope that it is a lovely day for a pleasant walk and a delicious meal.

I have no doubt that Corky will have a wonderful Christmas with you. --FLO--