I just read this article and I found it very interesting. http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archi ... ource=SFFB

I was always a guilty child. From the time I accidentally knocked a pear off of my grandfather's pear tree to a time I was a milk monitor at school and I said something to a student who did not place the milk bottle back in the rack correctly. He turned and I saw his arm in a cast. Being Catholic and liking boys, now there was some guilt. My mother ruled with guilt and I internalized it all.

I wonder if feeling guilty contributes to the need to be a eunuch? I wonder how many who suffer from depression might also have felt guilty as children.

Some scientists now believe that extreme feelings of guilt in children, such as the ones Thomas felt, can be a strong warning sign for mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and bipolar disorder later on in life. Research has long linked excessive feelings of guilt to mental disorders in adults—the DSM-V lists feelings of excessive guilt as a symptom for depression. But researchers at Washington University in St. Louis have found that excessive guilt in children might be linked to a part of the brain that is connected to controls for several different mental disorders.

There are several things that I learned were bad for me and stopped doing them to myself.

And they are exactly what this thread discusses.

a) never being thankful for a gift. There was always something wrong with gifts. I Can't explain it but it was like those traditional holiday dinners where you had certain food. If you bought certain people a gift then it was never right. If you took them to the store and forced them to choose what they liked, then the day the wrapping were open they never said thanks. Greeting cards were grudgingly sent. I stopped doing that. IF someone buys me a 50 cent ornament for my silly Christmas tree, they get thanked and I act happy or I at least act like they did something nice.

b) Guilting people for being late. My family is near on time. If you make an appointment they are late. Dinner is always an hour later. So now I plan for it and relax. Big deal.

c) The constant complaints or hate spewed at the designated "sinner" or "family bad guy." I might think that a particular relative is a fool or a bitch or a pile of shit or just plain a jerk in life. I keep that opinion to myself. I may not seek out that person but I"m not cold and heartless or cold and publicly scornful of them. It saves me a lot of anger building in my body.

d) I Was one of those little boys with the erector or block set that told myself, "I want to be a chemical engineer" and went out and did so. Some of my relatives are 30 and still have't figured out what they want to be. They never will. So I learned not to judge them about that. Others in my family didn't ever stop judging what everyone else did in their lives. I can explain most science but I don't talk down to anyone. It's their life.

None of this is easy to learn. None of it is learned fast. It all takes time and effort to unlearn the bad habits.

Yes I have been bored, so much so, that I have been watching "American Eunuchs". I seem to have a video collection of several of the eunuch documentaries. Wow I would not want to be a spokesperson for this community. Due to our motivations being so different and distrust of the media trying to represent us.

I wonder if we will ever be well represented?

Tugon, you are well respected by those at Eunuch Archive. I am sure of that one. I sure others will echo the same thing I just said.. You are one of us.

It's all up to us to represent ourselves. Relationship, like genitals are nothing but trouble, usually. Genitals can be gotten rid of. Even if we don't like people, relationships are necessary. It takes work to weed the good ones from the bad. I wonder how many of my relationships will be intact in a year or two, when I am out of the closet and making my body match my spirit.

Wow had I known that missing one holiday would cause the entire family to stop what little contact we had I would have skipped out years ago. I wish I could say I miss anyone but I cannot. Sure my nephews are fun but at that age where they are rather self involved. No calls from my dear catholic aunt with the clicking rosary beads. After all we share a love of wine. I must say I feel free to be truly on my own.

Of course I have my friends who have lasted for many years. Walt in Vermont and his wife Judy who love me as I am. Walt and I argue about when he first came to the school I was attending but we are turning 60 this year and it no longer matters. From boyhood to old age we have remained friends. Michael my son called from Alaska, not a bio son, but his mom credits me with being his second father. He is stationed in Alaska and wants me to visit. I have not met his wife and not seen his son since he was an infant. That trip would mean much to me. Michael and I met when we were both at low points and needed each other

As I distance myself from toxic family my friend family is becoming more important. I am still clearing my brain of my mother's prejudices about people. I remember when I had a friend in 1970 who was from Boston and had long hair. I bumped into him when I was with my mother and she was so judgmental. He was such a nice kind person but her judgement, based on his hair, may have influenced more than it should.

My mother was so concerned about what Michael's father thought about our friendship, since she worked with his father, forgetting that I am an honorable person. Being gay my own mother must have thought I was a predator. Unbeknownst to her I was already castrated and levels dropped to where I had no desires to Michael or anyone else. Michael gave me my name tugon.

OMG. It is true - Corky truly has it all sorted out, whatever his owner. I would be amazed to learn other than Mr C makes it clear that his current "family" (Tugon) is well worth hanging out with. -Does he think that his family is toxic, tedious, conniving, overbearing, intrusive, poisonous, opinionated.... Who knows? He seems a wise gentleman to treasure his "family" -whatever the irritations, which maybe come with most families?

BTW, we kinda like Tugon too!

Well as part of my new I do not give a shit attitude I am now pictured in my avatar. I may need to crop a little tighter so more of our faces show. We were out walking in this seasonally warm weather and sat down at the office steps. One of the women who like us brought us out some cookies. Of course Corky was very excited because he though they were for him. Well I did share a little.

I have long been interested in down sizing my life. My dream is to one day soon have one of those mini homes of 200-300 sq. ft. I have too much and which as I age it is becoming cumbersome. My art and music is more important to me than the antiques, china, silver, glassware and crystal. It has been too long since I served a meal with china and silver. Other than my china I have four more sets of dishes. There is just too much everywhere.

Or sometimes I think about having a roommate to help fill the space. My family made little contact with me but now that I know there will be no more an odd loneliness has descended. I do like the yellow and blue walls of my apartment and my window treatments. I like my furniture and how I have decorated but being alone with no one to share it with is getting old.

I am just a eunuch in flux.

Tugon,

An interesting post (referring to what you just wrote), for sure. It seems as if you are fitting into a pattern that I have seen, and more importantly that applies to me. I only met you once - many years ago at the only gathering that I attended. Can't recall the year, but I clearly remember meeting you and chatting, mostly because your conversation was genuine.

Anyway, one aspect of the pattern is what I call "less is more". Embedded in that concept is that material things mean less and relationships mean more. As I have aged, at first I resisted, but then I realized the freedom that comes from accepting and embracing the awareness that less truly is more. For instance, the bone china plates, cups, serving pieces remain nice, but I don't even cook, beyond boiling water for a soft boiled egg. Or the sterling silver flatware, etc., etc. Haven't gotten rid of any of these kinds of items, but they are stored away with fond memories of the few times they have been used over the last 40 to 50 years.

And then on the aspect of companionship, even though I wasn't looking, I found the partner that simply made my life feel complete. I met her on a cruise to Libya many years ago. Neither of us were looking, but we met by happenstance, and I have never been happier or healthier (those are related to each other) in my entire life. We enjoy traveling still. In fact, we arrived in Nicaragua late last night for a visit with friends.

Not wanting to go on and on, I feel good for you. You, like me, have ejected (or are in the process of ejecting) the "takers" from our lives, and are enjoying the things and people and pets that are important to us. I now classify people I meet as givers or takes (or a few who are above it all and are "enlightened"), and then I ignore the takers, share my life with fellow givers, and inquire and learn from the enlightened. I, too, have removed the takers from my life, one of whom was a sister. We haven't talked in more than probably four or so years. I don't hate her; I just wish her well and get on with my life as I want it to be. She has her life and I have mine, and we simply are incompatible personalities. Life has become wonderful, and full of joy (also now ignoring all the crap in the news, the world, and politics, etc.).

I am so happy that you are on the path that you are journeying through now. Embrace and enjoy the inner peace that I sense you are experiencing.

Bud

P.S., I just realized that this is my 10th year anniversary of "joining" this rather unique club.

Tugon,

BudleyBare (imported) wrote: Thu Feb 04, 2016 3:07 am An interesting post (referring to what you just wrote), for sure. It seems as if you are fitting into a pattern that I have seen, and more importantly that applies to me. I only met you once - many years ago at the only gathering that I attended. Can't recall the year, but I clearly remember meeting you and chatting, mostly because your conversation was genuine.

Anyway, one aspect of the pattern is what I call "less is more". Embedded in that concept is that material things mean less and relationships mean more. As I have aged, at first I resisted, but then I realized the freedom that comes from accepting and embracing the awareness that less truly is more. For instance, the bone china plates, cups, serving pieces remain nice, but I don't even cook, beyond boiling water for a soft boiled egg. Or the sterling silver flatware, etc., etc. Haven't gotten rid of any of these kinds of items, but they are stored away with fond memories of the few times they have been used over the last 40 to 50 years.

And then on the aspect of companionship, even though I wasn't looking, I found the partner that simply made my life feel complete. I met her on a cruise to Libya many years ago. Neither of us were looking, but we met by happenstance, and I have never been happier or healthier (those are related to each other) in my entire life. We enjoy traveling still. In fact, we arrived in Nicaragua late last night for a visit with friends.

Not wanting to go on and on, I feel good for you. You, like me, have ejected (or are in the process of ejecting) the "takers" from our lives, and are enjoying the things and people and pets that are important to us. I now classify people I meet as givers or takes (or a few who are above it all and are "enlightened"), and then I ignore the takers, share my life with fellow givers, and inquire and learn from the enlightened. I, too, have removed the takers from my life, one of whom was a sister. We haven't talked in more than probably four or so years. I don't hate her; I just wish her well and get on with my life as I want it to be. She has her life and I have mine, and we simply are incompatible personalities. Life has become wonderful, and full of joy (also now ignoring all the crap in the news, the world, and politics, etc.).

I am so happy that you are on the path that you are journeying through now. Embrace and enjoy the inner peace that I sense you are experiencing.

Bud

P.S., I just realized that this is my 10th year anniversary of "joining" this rather unique club.

Bud first of all Happy Anniversary. I know your choices was based on medical issues but it sounds like all worked out for the best. I am very pleased to read about your continued happiness. I was also happy to read that I am following in your footsteps of removing the takers and negative people out of my life.

I also enjoyed meeting you and wish I had more time to have spent with you. I think that time was a first for both of us. If you ever return let me know I will be sure to be there.

May your travels, good health and love follow you all your days.