Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

The discoveries get more painful. It's like peeling off the layers of an onion. I see now that I am a male (inside as well as outside) who has had a pervasive desire to be female all his life. How did I reach this conclusion? Seeing my gender identity fluctuate depending on how much progesterone is in my system. When I'm at castrate levels, I feel girlish. (That is what precipitated the post-castration crisis.) Add progesterone, and I feel more male again. So my gender identity crisis has been hormonal.

But the crisis is far from over. This longing to be female has been with me all my life, and has become debilitating since the so-called "gender shift" in Oct-Nov 2004. Here's a thought question I asked myself about the afterlife a few days ago: "If my only choice were being male in Heaven or ceasing to exist, which would I choose?" You know what?! I actually have to think about it. As great as Heaven will be, I actually have to think about it. If I can't be female SOMEDAY, I just want to give up and stop existing.

Herein lies the cause of my depression: I long to be female, and if I can't be female, it takes the wind out of my sails. No joy of life. I guess that is what this man's mid-life crisis is all about. The desire found expression in transvestism (pre-puberty, best I can recall), so I considered myself a transvestite. Puberty clouded things, and I forgot the underlying issue. But remove libido and transvestism (via castration) and the desire/longing remains.

The BIG question: Where does this longing derive from? This is a key question since it can hopefully point toward a solution. The answer is in my diary entry for October 13, 2005:

Previous diary entry has been running thru my mind: "

In the case of this illness, I don't want the cure -- i.e., to be comfortable as a male again. What

it represents is too

distasteful to me." Maybe that nails it on the head. Occurred to me I've always had higher respect for women than men. Generalities are involved, certainly, but it seems men have a "goofball" side,

and the saying is true that "females mature sooner."

So here's where the longing comes from: I prefer females over males. It's that simple. I suppose most people have an inborn preference (pride?) which draws them to their own gender, something which causes boys to say, "Girls -- ick!" I lack pride in my gender. I lacked it as a child, testosterone added male pride until my mid-life crisis (when I became FED UP with maleness), and now I'm back to my unvarnished preference for females. I want to be one. I want to join their company. And if I can't be one, it "takes the wind out of my sails" and I want to die -- cease to exist.

There's no childhood incident/episode which explains the preference. I simply have preferred females all my life. So I'm not expecting a cure.

If I weren't on progesterone, I'd be crying right now.

...

(Well, during some prayer, I did get a good cry after all.)

I'm still gender-confused. Tickle.com thinks I'm 92% female when my hormones are at castrate levels. What sort of male prefers to be female, prefers to join their company? What sort of male LIKES the feeling of low hormones? You know what I feel like when I'm on progesterone? A lunkhead -- an insensitive lunkhead. Without hormones, I feel more alive, more interested in people. Now, when my wife is talking about something going on in the life of a relative, I'm not that concerned and don't contribute to the conversation. I apologized in bed last night, saying, "Sorry I'm the master of monosyllabic answers tonight."

Bryan/Terri

[Patient (imported)]

. . .

wife confronted me on the matter of discipline. I'm too soft (in her opinion), and she ends up doing most of the disciplining; consequently, our boy favors me.

Well, that is one possibility. Another is simply that he is more aware of your anguish than of hers.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

.

[daddyboo (imported)]

Um.. Hey..

Have you ever visited the website www.beginninglife.com ? This is the place you really need to search for answers. Although I'm sure that many people here are very well versed on information, the women on this site actually have gone through what you are going through and live happy lives. I do see all of the posts that people share here and it warms my heart to see that so many are reaching out to you in support of whatever you decide.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Thank you to those who have contributed to this thread.

Wonder if the recent discoveries have been a breakthrough. There have been three mysteries in my Big Fat Problem (as I've been calling this mid-life crisis):

1. WHAT was the "gender shift" in Oct-Nov 2004?

2. WHERE on the spectrum is my gender identity? At least, why does it fluctuate?

3. WHY the transsexual desires?

Yesterday's diary answers #1:

...

when I became FED UP with maleness...

Yes, I became fed up with maleness and wanted to disassociate myself from it. So there wasn't a magical inward transformation. I just became fed up.

Yesterday's diary also answers #2:

Seeing my gender identity fluctuate depending on how much progesterone is in my system. When I'm at castrate levels, I feel girlish. Add progesterone, and I feel more male again.

So lack of hormones can lead to a girlish identity. Others at EA have encountered similar effects, including maternal feelings in some cases.

Finally, yesterday's diary answers #3:

I prefer females over males. It's that simple. I suppose most people have an inborn preference (pride?) which draws them to their own gender, something which causes boys to say, "Girls -- ick!" I lack pride in my gender.

Yesterday was rough emotionally. Here's something I was going to add to the diary entry:

Was just thinking: "Maybe now that I know what I'm against, I can fight it." Alas, very next thought was, "It's not worth fighting for. I don't like being male." Maybe I'm having an existential crisis.

But the Lord provided comfort later by bringing a tune to mind: "Keep the Candle Burning" performed by Point of Grace. Nearly all the words were a good match for my feelings/situation. The two-fold message is (1) I'm not alone (the Lord sees my tears) and (2) keep the candle [of hope] burning -- He will see me through.

Started praying the Lord would help me "move on" and get past all this stuff -- just get on with life.

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Castration can lead to a gender-identity crisis. Not only does testosterone fuel male libido, it fortifies male identity. Lose it, and one's identity may become more girlish.

2. Castration can lead to depression (no surprise): There has been a loss of satisfaction in life. Less satisfaction on the job, less satisfaction at home. Poor sleep as well. Satisfaction nowadays is found in eating, music, and crying (strangely enough).

3. Progesterone is a handy over-the-counter form of HRT. It tempers a eunuch's emotions, helps with sleep, and can restore some function to Mr. Penis and even provide libido. Credit goes to Mr. T for this suggestion.

KNOWING WHAT I NOW KNOW, would I have still gotten castrated? Yes, I had no other choice. Became so disenchanted with maleness, had to "unplug" my male equipment. Also, was troubled by addictive sexual thoughts. Plus, I *LOVE* not having testicles.

WHAT OF THE AFTERLIFE? I haven't forgotten my October 2nd experience in church. I will have to cling to it during hard times. It gives me genuine hope for a female appearance/body in Heaven.

Bryan/Terri

[Leona Lee (imported)]

I couldn't have said this any better. Hugs, Leona

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Nice to hear from you, Leona! By the way, what were you referring to exactly when you said you couldn't say it any better?

More recapping: I've had two distinct crises:

(1) Pre-castration: Became fed up with male libido (and maleness by association). Started identifying with the [usual] victims of male libido: females. Castration was a useful band-aid for this crisis, and I had four good months until Crisis #2:

(2) Post-castration: Due to lack of hormones, personality became more girlish. Identification with females became complete. It became a crisis because of a lifelong [buried] wish to be female. "My dream...my forgotten dream...is finally coming true!" Was thrown into confusion and was powerless to halt the progression.

* * *

Still not sure where I stand today. I'm a pitiful, conflicted individual. Would it have been better for the wish to be female to stay buried? Buried, however, isn't the same as dead. When it was buried, the wish manifested itself as transvestite desires/longings. The longings became overwhelming after Crisis #1 and were a big factor in seeking castration. So is it better for the wish to be out in the open? Emotion swells as I think of this boy who has wanted to be a girl all this time.

I guess the longing just never goes away...

Hugs to all my sisters,

Bryan/Terri

[Leona Lee (imported)]

I have added after your writing.Leona

Hi all,

Nice to hear from you, Leona! By the way, what were you referring to exactly when you said you couldn't say it any better?

More recapping: I've had two distinct crises:

(1) Pre-castration: Became fed up with male libido (and maleness by association). Started identifying with the [usual] victims of male libido: females. Castration was a useful band-aid for this crisis, and I had four good months until Crisis

>Leona<:I have been here. My wife was fixing to leave. Although I was chemically castrated ,it took many mos to get in a position of regaining my male self. I can only give all the credit to God.

#2:

(2) Post-castration: Due to lack of hormones, personality became more girlish. Identification with females became complete. It became a crisis because of a lifelong [buried] wish to be female. "My dream...my forgotten dream...is finally coming true!" Was thrown into confusion and was powerless to halt the progression.

>Leona<:As I said before, my testasterone count was .2 at this point. A bad place to be even for a female. I had ingested so much estrogen that my readings were fixed there. Nearly all you've said ring a familier bell.

Hugs, Leona

* * *

Still not sure where I stand today. I'm a pitiful, conflicted individual. Would it have been better for the wish to be female to stay buried? Buried, however, isn't the same as dead. When it was buried, the wish manifested itself as transvestite desires/longings. The longings became overwhelming after Crisis #1 and were a big factor in seeking castration. So is it better for the wish to be out in the open? Emotion swells as I think of this boy who has wanted to be a girl all this time.

I guess the longing just never goes away...

Hugs to all my sisters,

Bryan/Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Diary for 5/11/2006:

Daddyboo: Thanks for the link to BeginningLife.com. Misery likes company, so it's helpful to see what others are going through.

How am I feeling today? I can't describe how I feel. I wonder what people find so interesting about life. The pain is such I'm ready to cease to exist (if that were an option). Why do people like to go on living? Why isn't the landscape littered with suicides?

Regarding the Oct-Nov 2004 "gender shift": I suppose the shift was real enough after all. It caused me to identify with women more than men. What is "identity" if not whom you identify with? The hormonal changes accompanying castration cemented the change in gender identity. The thought of "regaining my male identity" is repugnant to me.

The issue has become existential: If the longing to be female can't find fulfillment SOMEDAY, then I don't even want to exist.

Was just listening to a song: "I Will be Here for You" by Michael W. Smith and Diane Warren. One of the lines was particularly inspiring: "Reach out for my love." Maybe my relationship with the Lord needs to be more tangible than ever. My self-worth is at an all-time low.

---------------------

Diary for 05/15/2006:

Have stopped regular use of progesterone after only two weeks. Figured it's better to merely wish for death than wish for non-existence. Though P tempers emotions, it also deepened the depression.

The more I think about my story, it's like classic tragedy. Hero starts off basically successful. Small character flaw (tendency toward perversion) leads hero to take noble action (castration). Noble action leads to discovery (transsexualism) which threatens to undo hero in a way the small character flaw never did.

(Sorry the next three paragraphs aren't very clear. It's hard to explain...)

Someone I respect very much asked me if I would like to be delivered from TS/GD. Had to think about that for awhile. That's when we find out how deep it really runs. Do I think of TS as something to be delivered from? If I valued maleness and considered my male identity to be at risk, yes -- I would want deliverance. But I became fed up with maleness and essentially put my male identity to death: first psychologically during the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift, then physically via castration in April 2005. Only after castration's hormonal changes did my repressed preference for females see the light of day.

In a way, I feel betrayed by testosterone. Consider how an adult guides a child in their choices: "Try it out my way first. If it works out, great. If not, then you're free to do it your way." So this child wanted to be female. The adult says, "Try being male, see if it works out..." Okay, I did try it out -- for 48 years. After that, my psyche had a fundamental disagreement with Mr. Libido, and also didn't like being associated with Mr. Aggressive and Mr. Dominant; there had to be a parting of the ways. I trusted maleness/testosterone for 48 years and finally concluded it wasn't for me. So I want to go back to my original preference, female, a preference which (though repressed) has been with me all my life. I guess maleness isn't an essential part of my identity. Else, why was I able to kill it, when I couldn't kill the female in me??

If God had not encouraged me on October 2nd, I don't know WHAT I would think about all this. But I feel accepted by Him as a female-to-be, so I live with that hope. Hence, I don't consider TS/GD to be something I need to be delivered from.

Bryan/Terri

[plix (imported)]

One thing that is important to remember is that identyfying more with females over males does not necessarily make you a woman. There are plenty of feminine men out there of all sexual orientations who prefer to associate with females, but they do not consider themselves women.

I've considered the possibility myself a few times, that I could just be a man with feminine characteristics and who doesn't find it necessary to identify with the stereotypical "man's man" role. It can be difficult for non-traditional men in a society where men are expected to play a certain role, and I don't doubt that some of them would decide it would be better to be a woman.

Having a female gender identity is about much more than having feminine traits or preferring to talk to women over men. It's simply who you are, regardless of any of your characteristics or circumstances in your life. Regardless of how you look, dress, who you're attracted to, how emotional you are, how compassionate you are, or anything else, you just know inside you are female.

Gender identity is also about more than hormones. Someone with a female identity would have that identity regardless of whether she were on T or E or something else or nothing at all. It is possible for this identity to be supressed under certain circumstances, but deep down you always know it is there.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

My Dearest Terri,

I have been an avid reader of your posts under this thread and felt a real desire to contact you. My heart goes out to you my sister. I just want to take you into my arms and hug you! You have had a very difficult time and I feel a definite kinship with you.

Your gender issues come forth from the same well as many of ours. I have finally determined, after dealing with my own gender issues for many, many years, that it's a matter of of trying to be someone that you never have been in the first place! In other words, you have never really felt comfortable with your maleness because you have never truly been a male. Just like myself, you have always been a female within your self.

I tried, like yourself, to bury my true female identity many times over the years only to have my true self come back over and over again. I have learned that You cannot bury Yourself! As a member of that select group of people, TG/sisters, I think that only people like ourselves can really understand this concept.

Terri, please stop taking yourself to task over this matter. You are who you are, and if that means being female, so be it.

I too have prayed many long hours over this matter and repeatedly the only answer I get back from Him is "I made you and I love you". That's kinda my little confirmation of the old saying "God doesn't make junk" and maybe, just maybe, this is going to be my cross to bear in life and to fix, if I can.

You can take the steps needed to become the person you really are once you find yourself within your own heart, so please take good care of yourself and never lose site of may be a part of our Lord's plan for you.