Well, some more time wasted on masturbation tonight before embarking on writing this; this which is far more important than that. Though again I didn't fully ejaculate - making sure that I save most of my energies again for tomorrow.

Perhaps I have dodged a bullet at work? The atmosphere seems very off in a way, but maybe I am being given another chance. If a complaint was going to be made to management then it would probably have been made by now. The woman that I hit on made it very clear that she was not interested (and by the way, who number plate was nothing like the car at the park lol) and was uncomfortable with my behaviour. In the past week or so I've just looked down or away from her, whenever in her vicinity - being ashamed at myself and not wanting to cause any more trouble, plus more selfishly not wanting to get into trouble myself. Perhaps a post that I made on Facebook helped my cause without meaning too. It was an admission of guilt, but would only be totally seen that way by those who knew about this.

Some at work have commented that I haven't been myself lately, and wondering why I am quiet and not my usual silly self. I have a lot of fun times at work; and am often the centre of some good natured humour, what with the recent drama over my tie wearing. It began when my estimating female colleague complained to management - I am being serious here - about my hickies, which were caused by the current love of my life. Nobody else had a problem with them but her, and this was the woman that I asked out early in the year. Everyone thought it a disgrace that she actually went through with her threat to complain, but in the end of kind of enjoyed the whole thing. Now you have some of the male estimators egging me on to "take it off" and so on - they love it when I get into trouble with her! She has been described by one guy as the perfect example of passive-aggressive disorder. I read a bit about it and tend to agree.

My feeling had been that women at work might contact my girlfriend via facebook and inform her about some of my antics, but last night my girlfriend could not have been more loving towards me - and perhaps I finally began to start to feel a greater sense of appreciation. Certainly I am loving her deeply. When I see her I can't put into words my feelings of joy.

I wonder if the best times of ours - which are generally when laying together on the couch, in bed, or when I have my arm around her while driving my car - can be replicated just as much so without my sex drive? I don't see why not.

I would much rather she break up with me because she couldn't handle who I want to be, rather than just because I was a general bastard.

I feel very ready to try out Androcur, and when that inevitable time comes, to explain what this is about to her. There is going to come a time anyway when she will have to read my published biography. There is no point hiding myself from her in this way. She has already told me heaps about herself - far more than I have replied with in kind - and most of her major disappointments are in one way or another linked to sex, as are mine. It seems to be the one thing that causes the most trouble, that is the biggest obstacle to gaining relatively consistent happiness. Yet for me, I don't actually take sex too seriously now. But I understand what it is, and how men and women differ in regards to it. I understand that society in general takes it very seriously indeed. If I was to say, be having sex with numerous women but just having one main relationship, then that probably wouldn't be a big deal to me. But it would be to my relationship woman, and the other women either wouldn't be interested at all in the casual relationship or would be looking at trying to win me over; to make me theirs. I don't understand the term of the trophy wife, as I think that the trophy husband far better applies.

I could just try to be GOOD with my girlfriend, but I believe that this is unrealistic. I am not only a handsome boy, but one who now realises that. Additionally it is other women who are far more attracted to me because I have a beautiful girlfriend, which further compounds the issues.

Or I could remove my sex drive. The issue here is will my girlfriend feel less in love with me without it? Remember that sex tends to mean more to the woman than the man. Physically, I could say that she could have another lover, a purely physical one, and weirdly enough I might even be capable of dealing with that (for example it didn't bother me one iota that my last girlfriend was a hooker), but I can't see how a woman could be happy with such an arrangement. I believe that my fingers can do basically as much as my penis for pleasure, but again, I have to stress that sex isn't just about pleasure for the woman.

There is probably no 100% perfect solution, which is okay. That means it gets down to even more about what I want. And I want to try Androcur. I might hate it and give it up after 2 weeks and never contemplate using it again. Who knows? But I know that it is important to me that I give it a go. I was not particularly happy without pills, and I am not particularly happy on anti-depressants; even with a wonderful girlfriend. So the choice for me is obvious.

While making my way to a larger garbage can than my own, I walked past a woman telling a guy that she "walked a quart of a mile so that you'd fuck me. I'm good looking; don't turn me down..." The guy decided to ask me if I was looking for the stairs.

This month has only furthered my confusion, I think. Up until this past weekend, I've been miserably incapable of doing anything. The majority of the summer has been like that. So last week I actually took a look at websites like getiton.com (I went as far as creating an account at that one, but haven't actually paid for a package that would actually mean anything).

Then a few days ago I finally got through the utter deadness and started working on something (taking a program I'd written in 2007 and porting it to another language and enhancing it). And I've completely stopped caring about the searching I did last week.

I think it's pretty safe to conclude that I might be able to ignore that biological demand if I could consistently work toward something. Now, if only getting myself to work on things were as simple as choosing to.

It makes me wonder, though, if having someone would have a significant impact on my ability to do other things. I suppose part of my searching last week was hoping so.

All I'm really sure of is that the subject still confuses me to no end, so I'm going to keep trying to ignore it in favor of getting things done.

chibifish (imported) wrote: Tue Aug 30, 2011 11:13 pm While making my way to a larger garbage can than my own, I walked past a woman telling a guy that she "walked a quart of a mile so that you'd fuck me. I'm good looking; don't turn me down..." The guy decided to ask me if I was looking for the stairs.

This month has only furthered my confusion, I think. Up until this past weekend, I've been miserably incapable of doing anything. The majority of the summer has been like that. So last week I actually took a look at websites like getiton.com (I went as far as creating an account at that one, but haven't actually paid for a package that would actually mean anything).

Then a few days ago I finally got through the utter deadness and started working on something (taking a program I'd written in 2007 and porting it to another language and enhancing it). And I've completely stopped caring about the searching I did last week.

I think it's pretty safe to conclude that I might be able to ignore that biological demand if I could consistently work toward something. Now, if only getting myself to work on things were as simple as choosing to.

It makes me wonder, though, if having someone would have a significant impact on my ability to do other things. I suppose part of my searching last week was hoping so.

All I'm really sure of is that the subject still confuses me to no end, so I'm going to keep trying to ignore it in favor of getting things done.

"While making my way to a larger garbage can than my own

"

Are you trying to say that we all live in a dump? LOL

"

chibifish (imported) wrote: Tue Aug 30, 2011 11:13 pm This month has only furthered my confusion, I think. Up until this past weekend, I've been miserably incapable of doing anything."

"It makes me wonder, though, if having someone would have a significant impact on my ability to do other things. I suppose part of my searching last week was hoping so.

All I'm really sure of is that the subject still confuses me to no end, so I'm going to keep trying to ignore it in favor of getting things done.

"

I don't really understand what you are saying Chibfish, but all the same a lot of what you said strangely speaks to me. My last month or so has been really bad - my sexual behaviours just continually get worse and I have no motivation for anything much worthwhile. I have someone in my life right now, but it ain't helping in my motivation to get things done! For example, the other week my publisher contacted me about finalising my second book; I haven't replied, or even thought about what I would say. I just don't care about much of anything right now - on the surface life appears grand for me, but it really ain't. I hope to stop taking some important things for granted too, especially my interactions with The Girl. I hope to post on here more often in the future, though I think my life has gotten to a point where the internet is more negative than positive for me, which means masturbation > meaningfulness

I have next to no self control nowadays.

Since it is past 11:30 on a Sunday night I should be getting to bed, but it's also a very rare time that my mind is free, so I will allow just a little time for this post.

Friday night was one of my worst times I reckon. Now it's not going to be something that I look back on when I'm on my death bed and recall as a horrible thing in my life, but it typified how ridiculously bad (in some ways) things have gotten for me. Here I was, a 30 year old guy, having completed the working week, and not only that, but he had a beautiful girl to look forward to meeting (where sex would almost also be a guarantee) at 8:30; or he could get to her work a little earlier even if he wanted to, where he would be nicely lit up by her smile.

But what does he do? He spends a couple of hours (or close enough to) masturbating. There are a couple of reasons why this was bad, apart from the obvious being that masturbation is not something that makes me feel good about myself (or just within myself); which would be stuff like writing, listening to music...

Or perhaps even walking with Bella.

Yep, I had my 'sometimes' pampered pooch with me. She was craving my attention, and all I gave her was food. After that I just wanted to masturbate. When it was all over (though I never fully came) I was so guilt stricken that I was close to tears, and I just kept saying "I'm so sorry" to my dog. Though she can't understand the wording, I reckon that she can understand the tone of it all - she knew/knows that I am not well.

So much so that after I rushed out of the home (as I was now late to see my girlfriend) Bella kicked up a major fuss, making such a racket that our neighbour came over to find out what was going on. She often jumps on the doors after someone leaves, but it's probably that she was more hysterical on this occasion.

The other thing was that sexually it made it much more difficult to have sex that night. And my girlfriend does value sex, unfortunately, as love (she has refused for quite sometime now to have me use my fingers, and that's a sexual ego thing - I can pleasure her no problems with them). Nevertheless, we still had it, and then again the next morning. But I was very fortunate to be able to get hard at all.

Not that she cracks it with me when I don't, and there have been a few funny occasions of this. But she does like sex with me, and I'm certainly not complaining about that - I like it with her too, but I still see sex as being basically the cause of all human relationship problems, and then perhaps it even goes deeper than that.

I have realised a while ago that most truths with her need to be avoided. If my autobiography gets revealed then I will probably just pretend that it ain't no big deal, and that I am different now or whatever.

Whatever indeedy.

I am not really different though. I still love the same girl the most. That doesn't change, though nor do I want it to. But I think that it is kind of a ridiculous contradiction that my/this thread is about the pursuit of individual happiness. I simply seem intent on self-destructing as best I can. And that has sort of been the case all along. I had no real reasons to ever be depressed, or to have major issues, but (so?) I created them for myself (a major one was not opening up to my parents and convincing myself that I was dying; I certainly was not - another was putting up barriers between myself and women, when all I had to do was pretty much act like more of a 'proper' straight man). Though in saying that, my doctor hasn't come through for me as yet.

It was just over 2 weeks ago that I saw him I think, and the session was a waste of time (though as a contradiction, even pointless things in our lives probably have some sort of point). I'd printed out numerous posts of mine from this thread (from June and July I think) which I read to him. These should have pointed out that I was a boy intent on self-destruction, who was also damaging others, and that removal of his sex drive could help with these issues. My doctor refused to listen to this though, still concerned that he might damage my new relationship (which it probably would, but that ain't the point) and kept going on about the dangers of Androcur. Blah, blah, blah.

And I was in no mood to argue. I was too satisfied/content. I was off to see my girlfriend afterwards, and I was picking up Bella the following day. Plus I am not an argumentative person anyway. I am just happy for everyone to have their own opinion, not being particularly fussed if it differs to mine; I'll try to see things from the other perspective. I really HATE confrontation. But then again I also like (?) truth, and truth leads to confrontation. Truth leads to offending people.

Bedtime. Next Friday I am seeing the credit union about a home loan. To get my own place will be better than nice - it will be important for my lifestyle. I hope to live without the internet, like I did for almost 18 months from after I first returned from overseas at the conclusion of 2005. Back then I simply went to a library to communicate online, and that's what I need now, as I have zero self-control in regards to masturbation. Sure, I had my bad periods/days in the past, but nothing like 2011. I am a mess. A blinded mess or something, as a mate on the EA said.

I used to do so much good with my alone time. Now whenever I'm free, it's very rare that I'd want anyone to look at me

I feel a little better now. Writing, as always for me, will do that

Reading, on the otherhand, won't always do that

I have minimal free time tonight which is good. My puppy is not very well. Today she was castrated (obviously an appropriate topic to discuss on here!). Tonight she sleeps in my room. Both of us don't get what we want.

I'm referring to the castration! My mum said before, "Bella, this is for one night only." Then she looked at me patting her and said, "Greg, this is for one night only!"

So I am off to take care of my pet a little more, and to watch last nights stage of the Vuelta. Hopefully I can think a little less about other things.

Not that that will last

Almost a full eight days now without porn. Yay

It does help a little to be very busy and have a lot of sex

Nevertheless, I ain't feeling particularly great right now (tonight) - just alright. That's life though. It's full of ups and downs. I've been doing okay the past week, especially considering that I ain't taking medication (I've run out of prescriptions - one that I had I didn't use for a long enough period and it became outdated, and I'm not even scheduled to see my doctor again anytime soon). I think this is where the human ego can come into play in a good way. If I take pride (ego) in not looking crap up online and this helps me, then that is obviously good. I plan on going for a short run in a sec (first in about 5 weeks), even though my bowells are a bit full lol. Then maybe I do a very quick weights session. Then a bath, and maybe get back into War & Peace, which I've only just started, but I can see that I could really like this; if not being able to take in everything in the story, I can at least take pleasure and interest in the individual scenes, which seem to great analyse human behaviour. There is so much truth here!!!

And I will try to avoid coming (pardon the pun) back here online.

I think that I am giving up or settling; society would call it settling. I am playing the game and winning, though the White Men Can't Jump phrase can certainly come into play, "Sometimes when you win you actually lose." I seem almost emotionally indestructible (though I still have my kryptonite) nowadays, and yeah I know why that is. People are attracted to that in a strange way. It doesn't matter if it's truth, it mostly just matters that someone feels self-assured in whatever which way. For example I am sure that some women are attracted to strong Christians, not neccesarily because of the beliefs, but just because their belief in Jesus and God gives them an air of not arrogance, but of, I don't know...some sort of confidence anyway. People are not really attracted to others who are highly unsure of themselves - or maybe that's not worded right? Anyway, we all have our beliefs, and these can reveal an air of confidence to others, even without them knowing what that belief is.

Yes, these days I am a great challenge. Not from wanting to be or anything. I just am. It's not about what you say; it's how you come across, which really can't be faked. So years ago, when I could be gotten to, I said to others sometimes that I couldn't be. Nowadays I say that I can be, which people possibly believe, even though I really can't. And you can't have stolen away from you what has already been taken (Right There).

I think that a guy can live happier ever after without his numero uno potentially then what a woman can. This ain't for sure of course, but with me, well, when I was young (even if I didn't really think much, being in deathing mode and all) I reckon I probably just wanted an attractive girl to love me who I loved too; and that would be enough. Now I know now that there can be a lot more to it then just something quite basic and normal, but that is quientessentially what a guy wants, and that is perhaps why I now get such a scenario, because I am not at all desperate for it.

I still in a way, want it all though. I want to be able to still interact with The Girl in the future. After all, when I am 50 - and the world has largely lost its interest in me - I see that it is possible that we could still have our thing together - at a time when maybe the world has mostly lost its interest in her too. I am not sure if it is really bad to think that way. People like confident people. It may just be a matter of lying to others about what exactly it is that makes you confident?

One thing I realised the other day is that I am very attracted to head strong women. Stubborn women. That does not necessarily mean argumentative, though it can. But all the main women of my life have this trait. My current girlfriend has it in spades! Sometimes I don't think she is right with some things, but I tend to be submissive (though I am not emotionally desperate like I used to be, and this is the key to the success of us so far - it is very hard to make me jealous) and don't speak my mind. This is partly because I hate confrontation, partly because I am getting a lot of sex and general physical intimacy and don't want to reduce/remove that, partly because perhaps I feel that I have no right in suggesting what she should/could think about a particular scenario. In someway I feel like that about anyone in general; everyone has the right to their own opinion, even if it differs from mine (actually the quote in todays calander was about us learning all our knowledge from those whose offer a different opinion, which I fully agree with), and also my intentions aren't always 100% pure with her, so I kind of think what right do I have?

Though I also don't feel a great deal of guilt these days. I tend to excuse myself with things being about my being a man, and with general circumstances.

Anyway this is a great ramble, and I really should be pounding that pavement. I may ask my girlfriend to marry me soon, and I don't even really agree with the concept of marriage, though I don't care much for trying to change the rules now. My first normal girlfriend said something that I agree with, and that's that 3 months is enough time to know - that's 3 months being around someone often. So yeah, I sort of know, well nobody can be 100% of course. It could be a really good normal relationship. It's certainly the most in love that I've felt in a normal one. And she is clearly in love with me, though also has her own air of confidence (she broke up with someone too when we got together, and she says that she never had any interest in having a boyfriend in Australia until she met me - her ex still constantly hassles her, and she hasn't told the truth which I don't blame her; the truth ALWAYS seems to offend). My previous principles would never have let something like this happen, but with them gone nature has just taken over. So we are two very attractive people who love being around each other because it feels nice. I don't think that humanity is often too much more complicated than that.

Unless there is an insistence on principles of course.

Virtually the only predictable thing in life (apart from death and taxes) is that it will be unpredictable. It will be up and down. I am gaining a better acceptance of this all the time I think. This last week or so has been a bit confusing at times, and I have reverted to bad masturbation habits (though not this evening thank goodness - I am about to go out to see my girlfriend, even bypassing on a shower and shave to ensure that I make it there on time). Nevertheless, I did have some wonderful moments on Wednesday night; these came on the back of me feeling pretty down about things, and a bit weirded out with all of her apparent attempts to make me jealous and/or push me away. And I thought that if anything my gifts for her birthday would have been a disappointment - I avoided any diamonds in the end. However, she was highly overwhelmed by it all - relatively cheap presents that showed that I knew what she liked, plus some writing.

I told her about 2 weeks ago (during a rare, but fairly deep discussion which mostly she initiated) that the best way that I could describe my love for her is with my writing, and that the best guide to me no longer loving her in the future would be if I didn't do this (or not as much would mean less love sort of thing). I suppose that sort of puts pressure on me, but it is good pressure.

I feel like I may be finally ready to read more again soon. I don't know why, but I am just feeling that. I shouldn't just write. Still, even I don't devote myself to that like I should, for yesterday I had many great ideas for a piece, but they went nowhere but my head - I simply was too obsessed with masturbation last night, and tonight has been rest (from work) and puppy AND EA time! Though I am confident that those basic ideas will remain; whatever is meant to be written will be...sort of thing.

Speaking of work, we moved into our new premises today, and while I hadn't spent much time thinking about it, it was quite a positive feeling once we were all there today. I continue to flirt quite a bit at work, but seem to have escaped the potential major dramas of a while back - I am a bit confused by some of it really. I have good working relationships with many people there and am really hopeful that I can be there for the long haul. And a big thank you to Canterbury Windows for bringing me on board last November. I believe that a lot of negative things have happened in that time (well the person I have become and some of my actions have been quite negative), but this is a very BIG positive.

Office work has always been a great thing for me. Work is actually good! How weird is that?

And so is music (though that is not weird)! Most of my favourite meaningful songs still ring bells for the same person. This is always a good indicator of feelings. I'm still the same/same.

Oh and yeah; Angels and Airwaves release their fourth album in November!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, I really am that excited.

We have just moved into new offices that are really nice to work in.

I was thinking that I may do more writing at work now (during my lunch hour), since I am having so many problems devoting anytime to it when given my own total freedom, and also because I have some more privacy at work now - my desk is in a corner rather than out in the middle of everyone, where people just used to walk past my back all day. I have not enough freedom to bludge, but enough to maybe write deepish stuff in my own time. In fact it is probably also slightly easier to focus on work issues now too, so all in all it's a good setup.

I started an intro to a new thread on Monday, but didn't do any writing yesterday (apart from a brief post of the cycling forum lol) as my phone kept ringing, and for some reason we can't get our voicemails to work yet so I had to answer all these calls. All in all though I love my workplace and job. I was happy to go there yesterday and gather that will be the case again today, even though all my masturbation is possibly catching up with me cause I have this really sore throat this morning - though that could also be due to the ridiculous high levels of air conditioning at work; very few people these days seem to realise that you can put a jumper on, or just take your kit off

It seems a little silly that I can't just write in whichever way that I want to during my free time, but really, if you're on a computer then, then you are expected to be looking up sports results, or the latest fashion, or playing solitaire, rather than writing about your own human condition.

Not that there's anything wrong with sport, fashion and solitaire

2 nights ago was further times of disgracing myself, just to myself. 3 hours of masturbation, only broken up by a brief walking of my dog. And this being when I had/have a lot that I wish to write. I am just majorly losing that battle now though between mind and penis.

Then a small redeeming thing happened when I got a text from my girlfriend; this had happened much earlier but my phone hadn't received it because it was full. I then spent the next 40 minutes or so laying in bed and texting her furiously (fast and with some passion rather than angry!), perhaps out of guilt, though I sense more just from wanting to feel human again.

Then I allowed Bella to come and sleep with me. She was a little scared because of the storm, but I don't kid myself - this was more for my benefit. In the end the night wasn't a total right off.

Yesterday I got to my brothers place an hour later than I should have due to porn/masturbation, and the penny really dropped after I jizzed in my pants! The door was open, my mum was coming towards me, and I suppose that jamming of my on the edge hard on into my zipper put me over the edge and I exploded, doing so with one arm attempting to cover up the scene/embarrassment. So I immediately got off the computer and had a shower, with my brother calling me once I was drying myself asking me where I was.

See, my sex drive doesn't do one good thing for me, though most others can't see that.

The night with my brother went well, and I wanted to write more when I got back home but was just too tired (and it was the rare time of maybe being able to write a lot without the distraction of sex). Anyway, he got pretty deep with his discussions, so I found our dinner interesting. Well, my brother is a top class guy. It's funny that he is sometimes thought of as more of a black sheep than me, but at least now, this is totally false. He spoke about various issues that he had with girls, and that of one that he really likes, but that he wouldn't cut her boyfriends lunch - and I believe him when he says that, as he still has some principles. Yet he is single while I am with a hot girl. Life often doesn't do much to encourage us to be good.

My take on it (though I didn't say this, since I would have had to say too much about being with my current partner) is that if he really goes for her - without feeling guilty about anyone else - then she will be highly turned on by that and will be with him. Just a general take on things.

He did say that nobody could ever really know someone without ever having sex with them. I told him that I couldn't agree at all with this, but perhaps in normal relationships there may be some truth to that. I didn't go into all my weird and fulfilling relationships, however I did speak about my original sweetheart (which I never had to him before) as we were discussing clingyness, and of how women like a challenge etc, and of how you can't fake confidence, etc. I did mention the one, but just in saying that she was way above the original sweetheart, to a place that nobody else could ever reach within me. "Is it your girlfriend? The girl from your work?"

"No I can't say. It's just too complicated."

But all in all it was a cool deepish discussion, with him being far more open than me (too much openess from me will lead onto talk about desire to remove my sex drive which only causes big arguments between me and family, as they can't understand it).

"Do you realise it's five past seven," my mother just mentioned now.

Yep, but this is rare good writing time!

Oh yeah, my bro also mentioned that he'd recently tried out weed, and even mentioned this to our folks, which of course they cracked it about. I said something about no wonder nobody is honest. My dad accused him of being a dickhead and said that he has an addictive personalilty, but I said that's wrong. For I have the masturbation problem (not that I spoke of this) and he has tried out more stuff than me and never become addicted. My brother really has his shit together. I am very proud to be associated with him.

I must confess to not feeling super motivated to see my doctor again straight away.

Regardless, I will see him again at some point - I need more 'basic' pills; at the very least because Lexapro makes it difficult to cum and thus I last a lot longer

I feel that the next fortnight or so is key for my next life path. Is there a bun in the oven? If so, then I take full responsibility for my actions and continue along as I am, which for the moment would include keeping all of my sex drive. There is no point in causing a major dispute with my partner by bringing up heaps of honesty when we're basically stuck together. However in that case I would still keep the sex drive issue in mind - always handy to keep in contact with my doctor for any future time that her sexual wants no longer match mine; then it is very much commonsense to reduce it and discuss it with her, since it shouldn't be too offensive if she no longer wants it much anyway. As for the moment - she fully relates sex to love; it would be a major offence to say that I don't want sex with her at the moment, no matter what the reason.

If nothing is cooking then I see myself seeking some Androcur, and going for a different (or previously planned) life path.

Whatever will be will be. I'll try not to think or hope too much about it.

And besides, I really need some good sleep.

Loving this song and band.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4wXZuqVDLM

Some of the lyrics seem to be wrong, but I maybe like!

I am still in life freak out mode, but DGUOMB.