crankshaft (imported) wrote: Sun Oct 03, 2010 3:48 pm being stressed takes a toll on a persons life from many ways, (took a good toll on my health the past yr and half)

being a temp keeps the stress up,

then add transition to that stress, you are over the top in stress,

remember ,you have alot of people here who wish you the best,

thing is dont keep everything bottled up inside, you enjoy writing, if it reliefs the stress, keep doing it, we will be here to listen

Hi Crankshaft,

I am far too stressed out right now.

You are right, and friends and those at the office who have been contractors agree - being a temp does keep the stress up. While it is better than being unemployed, it is a difficult situation. Your boss and coworkers often expect you to pick up in a matter of days what it took them years to learn. They tend to forget how long this took them. If you are not certain of a permanent job offer, the pressure is kept on because you need to find the next contract. With each next contract job, you are again under the gun to learn new things very quickly.

Transitioning is a very good thing, but it does have its own stresses. Even good things can have stress-inducing parts.

I wish I had time to write more about this, but I need to get ready for bed.

Thanks for understanding.

Best wishes,

Danya

Good to hear from you Danya...Be well dragonfly

Thanks for the good wishes, dragonfly.

I'm still stressed but I am learning to adapt. When I allow time for exercise and fun, I do well. I haven't been having enough down time lately.

Last night was a pleasant exception. I stopped in at a Cafe on Lincoln Avenue, to meet 'X' and two of his young college pals. 'A' knows I am transgender; 'X' told him quite awhile ago. He's totally fine with this knowledge. I helped all of them for a short time with chemistry, then took a walk.

I wanted to check out the menu for a German restaurant down the street. Later in the evening, 'X' took me there for dinner. He knows I miss my German grandmother's cooking.

I ordered sauerbraten with potato dumplings and red cabbage. He ordered fried chicken with mashed potatoes.

There was a band that was very good, playing all kinds of German songs. I knew only a few. Late in the evening, the band leader started a Conga line. I joined. After we had weaved our way among the many diners, the leader said we should not sit down but wait in the front for a contest.

This turned out to be a yodeling contest! Several people fled, returning to their tables. I stayed and was among the yodeling contestants. Judging was based on audience applause. I did not win, but that's OK. For the first time in at least a week I felt very calm.

At one point, the band played a very nice arrangement of 'Edelweiss.' I was in tears, with 'X' looking on. He is getting used to my crying at the most unexpected times. This was happy crying. I pointed out to him that the woman at the next table had tears in her eyes.

'X' thought both she and I must have crushes on Christopher Plummer. No, I told him. My tears had nothing to do with the male lead in "The Sound of Music."

Then, one of the band members continued 'Edelweiss' solo, on cowbells! I stopped crying. The guy playing the cowbells was terrific, and the sound was gorgeous.

Early in the evening, 'X' told me about a song with lyrics something like "They don't have beer in heaven, that's why I'm glad I'm still here." The band played this later!

Things with 'X' and me are going well, after some large bumps in the road. It way too soon to say if this may go further. For now, we are content to enjoy each other's company and do fun things together.

As we said our good-byes last night, I told him I had thought of taking dance lessons together. He responded that he knew I would say this soon. I never gave it a thought until a few days ago, so perhaps he has psychic powers.

The Chicago Country Music Festival begins tomorrow. 'X' and I will go to a free country music concert at Millennium Park tomorrow evening. The high tomorrow is expected to reach 80 degrees and the evening temperatures should be pleasant.

On the job front, I still have not heard from the company where I interviewed several times. Over a week ago, I left a message for the corporate recruiter. I asked for an update on when they expected to make a decision. She has not returned my call. This probably means they are going with someone else, although I have not given up hope. I am likely now low on the priority list for return calls. They'll get to me eventually.

In a way, I am relieved. I'm being given a lot more responsibility at work, in part because my young mentor is leaving. This company is a great place to be. They have thrived through the recession and after. I am hopeful they will offer me permanent work. If not in my group, in another.

One of my friends in a different department told her boss I was looking for something permanent along the lines of what she does. The job title is a slightly different from mine. It's more along the lines of systems analyst, with a business component thrown in.

When her boss heard that I was interested, according to my friend, she was 'excited' adding that she thought I did very good work. Turns out she has two open positions. I sent this boss my resume and portfolio, indicating my strong interest in the job.

This may work! It helps that I am already working there, even if on a contract basis. It's a huge help that I have a good reputation in several departments.

I also applied for an internal job located not in Chicago, but in metropolitan New York. I'd hate to leave this area. I'm still very glad to be here. There are, however, a few down sides to living in Chicagoland. Among these are:

1. People honk their horns - a lot. I've never been honked at so often and I do not have one of those "Honk if you love, like, agree with, whatever!" bumper stickers. Just yesterday morning, two people honked at me in the space of two blocks.

2. Some drivers are very courteous, allowing plenty of room for cars to merge and so on. Others are very aggressive. One needs to be very cautious.

3. Many rest rooms have no hook on the stall door to hang things like purses and jackets. Erica Ann's spouse clued me into the 'why' of this many months ago. It's to prevent thieves from stealing your things.

It can be a challenge to hold a purse and jacket while pulling down a skirt, panty house and panties. It's even more challenging to get everything back together.

4. The traffic is usually very heavy, at nearly all times of day and both towards and away from downtown at the same time.

I still love this place.

I'm making more friends at the office. I have considered telling two office friends that I am transgender, because we are becoming close.

So far, I have told no one (my boss knows - I told her at the interview). I am very tempted with two people. I am not at all tempted to make this known to everyone in the company. It's none of their business.

Why would I consider telling these two people I am transgender? Because I feel it is an important part of who I am. I am a woman, but even GRS will not change the fact I was born in a male body and had a very different life experience than natal women. If I have a close friend, I do not want to hide a significant part of my life. I hesitate because I do not want to risk my transgender status becoming an issue at the office. I want my work to be what is noticed, not who I am.

One of the two people I would like to disclose to is from India. He is Hindu, the young man who keeps calling me "ma'am." He came to the US from India about five years ago. We have many similar views on life, spirituality, family and other things. I think some of this faith would have absolutely no problem accepting me. I'm just not sure if this is a typical reaction for people of this faith. From the little I have read, views on transgender people among Hindus are diverse.

If I find the time, I will address some of the issues raised in a series of letters sent to me by 'our Jesus.' These are from a World Professional Association for Transgender Health forum on "going stealth." Some very interesting points are made. I understand why many male-to-female persons want to live a life where no one knows of their 'other gender' past.

There are practical reasons why I can never live entirely in 'stealth' mode. For one thing, every employment application I fill out wants to know former names.

After a long day at the office, I walked to Millennium Park to meet 'X'. The weather was absolutely perfect, with temperatures in the 70s under a cloudless sky. He had arrived early, to grab one of the regular seats at the Pritzker Pavilion, where the first of two, free weekend evening performances for t

Danya (imported) wrote: Fri Oct 08, 2010 7:07 pm he Chicago Country Music Festival beg

an at 6 PM.

I particularly enjoyed the second half of the concert, when Clint Black performed. He did many of his own songs and, during a song about the nature of love, I was in tears. Nothing new with that.

Toward the end of the evening show, Clint sang the Eagles' hit "Desperado." This has long been one of my favorites. 'X' likes it, too. So, he grabbed my hand. We danced and he sang to me. Once again, I got teary-eyed.

He puts his heart into singing and, although nearly tone deaf, he sings out in a loud voice unconcerned by what others may think. I do not care what he sounds like, because I know he is singing from his heart and just for me.

A few months ago, when we split up, neither one of us understood the other well. That is changing. He now realizes what a romantic I am, for instance. I have a greater appreciation for his very practical and down to earth nature. This tends to ground me, which I need at times. He told me this evening that, because I am able to let down my hair with him he now felt safe doing the same.

This is all very good. We are enjoying spending time together going to all kinds of events and activities. I still do not know where this will go. That's just the way it should be for now. He brings me happiness and is a bright spot during a stressful time of my life. For that, I am very grateful.

Wisconsin Drivers and Illinois Drivers are one in the same..They do use their horns a real real lot. They exceed the speed limit by at least 10 miles per hour. They run lots and lots of red lights. I long to be back in the country again where the drivers are laid back.

OneBallBoi (imported) wrote: Sun Oct 10, 2010 1:00 pm Wisconsin Drivers and Illinois Drivers are one in the same..They do use their horns a real real lot. They exceed the speed limit by at least 10 miles per hour. They run lots and lots of red lights.

how true, see it everyday on the way home from work,

I see many illinois plates, on the 4 lane that goes through our county, they pass me like Im sitting still at 60mph, and blow lights big time by like 2-4 sec into the light, and cause a wreck or create a near miss daily

at the local speed trap thats nothing more than a blind hump in the road, you see the locals slow down coming up on it, and the out of staters lay on the horn and flip us off while passing

to meet the blue and red lights on the other side of the hump

I am feeling down. I had been doing well until two weeks ago when my not yet 32-year old mentor announced he is leaving for a new job. He has been with the company two years, over half that time as a contractor. He knows what it's like to deal with the unreasonable expectations often placed on contractors. Certain people in my group do not get this at all.

If I have written about this before, please skip over it! A week ago we were both on a conference call. About mid-way through the call, he texted me "I don't have any idea what they're talking about!" I was comfoted, knowing there was a friend who understands. He admits that after two years he is finally starting to understand most of his work.

I told another friend at work, also a former contractor, that I felt like I'm being thrown in the deep end of the pool. I was referring to new responsibilities with little offered in the way of background or instructions. She said "We all feel that way. Don't worry about it. I'll help you through it."

I've got a little over 2 months left on this contract. That's making me anxious. The contract may be extended. In a way, I would be quite happy if they'd extend it until early April. Then I could have my scheduled GRS in Montreal on April 19. I'd start looking for work again in early May, knowing it would be unlikely I'd be immediately offered a job.

At the same time, I am worried because my COBRA benefits will expire at the end of January. My doctors consider my overall health condition to be "fair." I take some expensive medications. The copays alone on two of them are $150/each. I will substitute less expensive (and possibly less effective) alternatives for these soon.

Then again, it is likely the contract will be extended. I can enroll for the recruiting agencies benefits that would take effect January 1. Their health insurance includes no major medical coverage, however. Their prescription plan would not cover me for a single month. Still, this would be better than nothing.

While this contract could become a permanent position, the corporation has a reputation for dragging its feet. My young mentor, the one who is leaving, was told after 6 or 7 months that they wanted to hire him permanently. It took them another 7 months to come through with the permanent job.

I applied for three more internal, permanent jobs today. So I am doing things to help make my situation better.

I also wonder if I am in the right line of work. I've written before how I would like to better align my work interests and my life. More about this another time, perhaps.

When I started at this company, I had posted my resume listing the contract job on a well known technology job site. The agency recruiter soon called and asked "What would "XYZ" company (the place I work) think if they saw your resume there? Aren't you happy?" I am happy for this opportunity. Maybe I'm greedy, but I'd be even happier if I had decent benefits.

To make her happy, I hid my resume. This weekend, I made it searchable again. I got two calls from recruiters today as a result. One told me that experience "XYZ" company is a great resume builder. I know this is true. I just do not want to go from one contract job to another if I can help it. It is a pain in the a**.

The young Hindu man I work with has had nothing but contract jobs for the last five years! He has no health insurance. He should see a doctor for a bad sinus infection, but he says he does not have the money. I think he may be sending money back home to help his family.

The thought of a series of contract jobs is part of my motivation for considering other career choices. Even if I make less that what I do now, having benefits may be worth giving up this career.

My roommate, who has been unemployed for nearly two years, tells me I should do something more 'creative' with my job. She tells me to 'think outside the box.' She suggests I make a career out of somehow combining photography, music and writing. Perhaps I can then make a lot of money by offering downloadable, inspirational photos with streaming music and 'stuff' I write. This is unlikely to get me anywhere.

On another matter, my roommate tells me I need to "let out" my emotions. Especially angry emotions. I should shout when I am frustrated by things at the office. Shout at home, that is. Then, she assures me, I will feel better. I understand the principle. It's just that this usually doesn't work for me.

So tonight I am frustrated, a bit fearful and discouraged. This reminds me of the first few months after I lost my job. I need time to adapt to the new realities in my life. I also need to get back to going with my feelings and relying less on thinking things through. Then I will be fine.

I am worn out. When it stayed light later in the evening, walking at the botanic garden calmed me and I felt fine with my temporary job status. Now the garden closes at 6 PM. I cannot get there early enough.

Within a few days, I may repost much of what I wrote here yesterday: the direction I want my work life to take. I am concerned about a few things. Among these is that, as I have noted before, I often write about how I am feeling at the moment. I'm not sure everyone remembers this.

This post was my way of 'shouting' about one part of my life - the method my roommate suggested for releasing pent up emotions and feeling better. I felt better after writing.

I was tempted to edit this to make it more organized and to remove a few sentences I thought were, perhaps, too personal. Instead, I made a single spelling correction. I'm sure I could have made more.

Over the few years I have written here, I have mentioned a number of times that writing is therapeutic. For some reason, writing for myself is not nearly as effective as posting on EA. I have pointed out that what I write reflects how I am feeling at that time. It does not necessarily represent my usual experience. Such is the case with this post, to a degree. I need to pay attention to what my feelings are tellilng me while not ignoring reason.

Despite its gloomy tone, writing down my feelings allowed me to work through some important issues in my life. At least to the point where I felt totally relaxed when I finished. That night, I slept very well and then had a good day at the office. There is still more that I need to do.

Here is what I deleted from my last post:

I realize it would be best for me to get out of my current line of work. It's not at all satisfying. In fact, I find it nearly meaningless. It pays well and has the potential of offering greater financial rewards down the road. So what?

Maybe....if this were a permanent job right now I would feel differently. I doubt it. When I transitioned, early on, I went for an appointment with my gender therapist. I told her I was disturbed about something. She, not surprisingly, was concerned. What I was disturbed about was that I had lost interest in the career I had built after deliberately calling a halt to my career in science. My interests had changed. Although I love science, especially the teaching of it and writing, I have no desire to go back to being an applied scientist in a lab. While I can do IT-related things well, they are a chore. These things no longer mesh with the person I am. Laboratory science and IT were 'his' interests and, I realize now, never truly his either. But that other person tolerated unhappiness better than I do as Danya. Danya is who I was born to be.

Making a living is important. Having enough money to pay for life's basics and to allow for some fun is important. Money, though, has never been a prime motivator for me. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy having money. I also realize I need to work.

I just want to be happier with what I'm doing. I do have options and, although in this economy it can be more difficult to switch careers, I can probably swing it. At least into a career area that would value my science and IT background, and perhaps my creative side, too. So I would not be moving to a totally new career. The problem comes in convincing a potential employer that I will not want to move back into full-time IT-related work or into research science. I have managed just such a career switch twice before. Both times, I had to convince hiring managers that I would not abandon their job opportunity at the first chance to return to an earlier career. I can be very convincing when my heart is in it. I succeeded in convincing managers of my sincerity before. I never returned to a prior career, either. I can convince them again.

What I have in mind has the potential of paying nearly what I make now. It probably would not offer the career growth of my current job. At this point in my life, and at nearly 59 years old, I care more about doing something I can feel happy with at the end of the day. I also long for enough time, under less stress, to pursue my interests in music and, to a lesser extent, photography.

The ability to advance in one's job is very nice. It just appealed to me more in my 20s and 30s. I was willing to put in the effort to 'get ahead.' That holds little appeal for me now.

I'm in some turmoil over this. While I do not agree with my roommate's suggestion of how I make a living, she has been right in one respect. She clearly sees that I am unhappy with the type of job I have.

I feel like I'm writing an awful confession here. People may be thinking "What, is she out of her mind!"

I love downtown Chicago. For its architecture, including the towering buildings, its museums, the fountains and parks and on and on. When I am enjoying a concert a Millennium Park and look at the huge skyscrapers just across the street, though, I think of all the people toiling away in their identical cubicles every day. And I feel a little sad. I am doing just what they are. While many feel fulfilled in this type of business world, I do not.

Sometimes, I overhear people on the street talking about how they have out-smarted the competition, made a big sale, closed a deal and so on. What they are talking about, in some ways, touches on what I do. I simply do not relate to what they are saying, at all.

The reality is, even the job I now have is something of a career move. One I prepared for carefully and built on skills I had developed in my last job. So it is not entirely new. It is the first time, though, that I have worked at this particular job role all the time, day in and day out. It does not suit me.

I hesitate to write this down with such conviction, because it is forcing me to be very honest with myself. Perhaps better to leave the illusion of job satisfaction undisturbed.

Hi Danya....Lots of emotions and indecision going on , eh? At the very least, it appears you could use something at the end of your workday to relax and find some reward...the SRS surgery could be put on the back burner for awhile, too...The less stress , the better....Just an observation....You're amazing...

big smooches dragonfly