Danya, it sounds like you almost have more support with your transition at work than from the family, and since you spend a third or more of your day at work, Im glad you have support at work,and you always have us here on EA for support,

wish you well on your first day , on the otherside of the fence;)

MrT, Mac and crankshaft,

I very much appreciate your responses and support.

I do need to get out and have a life, MrT and I agree with your recommendations on getting stuff together for doctor's visits. I have already spoken with the U about getting records. Of course, I will need to sign release forms with the new providers. I will say I'm never short on questions for any doctor I visit and I'm always prepared, and assertive, that way.

I also thanked my U therapist for all her help. She really has been terrific and she's very accepting of the gender continuum, btw. Today I'm feeling totally OK about switching therapists. Part of my concern was about needing to explain everything over from the beginning but it turns out I won't need to do that. The new therapist can move forward from the situation I'm in now, with the help of the U's records.

Mac, your questions are good. I doubt that on the first day I'll be simply accepted as one of the other women. From what I read, getting that kind of acceptance from people will take months for many and perhaps longer for others. Knowing my coworkers, though, and the very diversity affirming environment I work in, I expect I will be very quickly accepted for who I am: a transitioning woman.

I expect to use any of the 5 or so unisex restrooms scattered through the building for now. That will ease things for women who may have concerns. OTOH, the female director of my division doesn't think it would be a big deal at all for me to use the women's room. She says her response would be 'Get over it!'. It's all stalls, anyway, in the women's restrooms.

I've found everyone (men, women and corporate management) to be extremely supportive. The transition team still has to meet so I'm not clear on restrictions but I expect those to be minimal and common sense type things. Like I should wear appropriate women's clothing for the office. Damn, and I'd really wanted to wear a mini-skirt the first day! Actually, that kind of outfit isn't me at all so I don't think there will be problems. For now, I will dress to fit in with the other women on the floor. That means slacks and a fairly plain top of some type (sweater, blouse, etc.).

I had been really excited about that first day until I saw my brother in California. I think what's happening now is my CA brother's treatment of me is still playing back in my subconscious mind. I'm working on getting rid of that, too. Out, out damn brother!

It's typical that once I finally start a new phase of my life, I soon become comfortable although fully adjusting can take months. The idea behind transitioning isn't that you immediately feel totally at home in your chosen gender ID. There are emotional and intellectual adjustments to make. The year-long Real Life Experience is, as it is stated in SOC, designed to show if you have even further consolidation of your chosen gender identity over that period. I still expect I will adjust quickly and experience lots of growth along the way. Anticipating that part is very exciting to me now.

crankshaft, you are correct in that I have more support at work than from family. Although my Dallas relatives now clearly state their love and support for me, they are far away and we rarely talk. I'm really happy that they're supportive, though, and I'm going to check to see if they'd like me to visit for a weekend soon. I'd have to make it clear that I can't come if CA brother will be there. I simply cannot deal with him now. The support from folks here on the Archive is invaluable and continues to amaze me.

I think starting estrogen will smooth the way some while also bringing new emotional adjustments. I don't anticipate any unmanageable problems with physical changes. As it is, I've been low on T since November and I think it's past time to remedy that situation. I will absolutely push for this.

I absolutely love the small amount of breast development, and sensitivity, I have now. When I look in the mirror, I can now see the feminizing effects of this (and similar effects from electrolysis on my face) and I'm really happy. I hope to be on estrogen of some type within the next month or so.

Many thanks for all the input and good wishes! It means a lot to me that you've taken the time to respond. I will keep you all updated.

Hugs,

Danya

For what it is worth, I am intimately (literally, from college days, erm...) familiar with many of the founders and founding staff of the company Danya works for. Knowing that company and that crew, and the many who have followed, I would expect nothing less than stellar support at her work place - in fact I would suggest any who are in the least adverse to this had better watch out for HR. She has great support at work, here, and among her other friends, as well as 1/3 of her family. When thought about, that is one hell of a lot more than most in similar circumstances start out with! You go, girl!

My friend Kristoff is absolutely correct in his conclusions about company support. I agree, I have the best corporate support I could ever have hoped for. The HR folks have been absolutely terrific. Every single co-worker who knows my situation, and that's probably up to about 35 by now, has been nothing but supportive. I'm very fortunate to be transitioning in this work environment.

I have stated many times how amazing the support is here on the Archive, both online and from members I've met in person and speak with on the phone. I consider myself lucky to have made the personal acquaintance of several eunuchs and every one has befriended me. I've been welcomed with open arms and hearts by the most non-judgemental group of folks I've ever met. I've also met or communicated with a number of non-eunuch members of this site and they have been just as warm and accepting. I cannot over emphasize what a fantastic place the Archive is for the caring of members for one another.

My other, non-Archive friends have been supportive, too. Both friends from inside and outside work have been terrific. In some cases, it's taken them a bit of work to get to the level of understanding that seems innate in Archive members but that's only to be expected. They, too, have come through for me.

I'm a little unclear on Kristoff's math, though. Although I can't be totally certain until I get more details, it's possible that 4/5 of my family is in fact supportive. Worst case scenario there, I'd estimate, is 3 1/2 out of 5! Kristoff was giving his best estimate with the information he's got. I realize that with my family I am extremely fortunate. It's very clear to me from reading the accounts of other member's, and from my experience with one brother, how very hurtful it is to be turned away by those we love.

I'm feeling really good right now, and a lot of that is due to the support on this site. Kristoff is one of the key people keeping this site a going operation and for that I thank him.

I saw my doctor Tuesday because I wasn't feeling well. I thought the nausea I had was a reaction to my brother's treatment of me in CA two weekends ago. Now, I'm not so sure I wasn't simply sick. My boss came down with similar symptoms later in the week.

The appointment was the perfect time to discuss future medical care. He already knew I am transgender but hadn't been brought up to speed on the transsexual part. As I told him the latest news, he crossed his arms and had a slight frown. I asked if he'd be comfortable continuing as my physician and he responded 'yes'.

At that point, I asked him 'then why do you have your arms crossed?' and I mirrored his behavior back to him. He immediately relaxed, a little anyway, and said he really didn't understand transsexuality at all although he has a post-op female patient. He started asking questions about transgender/transsexual life experiences and I could tell he was truly relaxing. I told him that he really didn't need to fully understand at all. He just needed to be open-minded and accepting. He agreed he can handle that.

He and I have always gotten along well. I'll see how things go, though, and may switch to a physician who regularly deals with trans folks and has a clear comfort level.

I've got to give my doctor credit for his reaction when I told him how my California brother had treated me. He was very concerned on how I was handling that and I assured him I'd discussed it with a therapist, had lots of support and was dealing with it fine.

I also told him the part about my brother wanting me to go to church with him. I had told my brother I did not want to go to a church where I am not accepted for who I really am. My doctor joked that he probably wanted to get me into church so they could perform an exorcism

Danya (imported) wrote: Sun May 04, 2008 6:18 am I also told him the part about my brother wanting me to go to church with him. I had told my brother I did not want to go to a church where I am not accepted for who I really am. My doctor joked that he probably wanted to get me into church so they could perform an exorcism

It sounds as if you may have the right doctor. He's accepting, willing to learn, and has a sense of humor. You may get better treatment from him than from a doctor where you are just one of many trans patients to be run through in assembly-line fashion.

There were a number of good things about the weekend but through most of it I was struggling to overcome a fear of transitioning. It was partly the thought of transitioning itself that was causing my, at times, near panic. Even more so, there was a question I've been struggling with my whole life. That is 'who am I, really?'. I have never found a clear answer to this question and I don't claim to have done that now. I was fearful, though, that I was letting go of the known man in favor of an admittedly much happier and confident but still somewhat undeveloped person Danya. This doubt and questioning was damaging my normal self-confident attitude about what I'm doing and where I'm going. By late Sunday afternoon, I was wondering if I'd ever feel confident again. Some of you who know me will realize I can over think what is going on in my life just as I can over analyze my own feelings and reactions. That's a good part of what was going on here.

By Sunday evening, though, I was able to relax and started to regain my self-confidence. Part of the work to get me back to my senses was done by friends who clearly pointed out that they'd be worried about me if I wasn't having some anxiety so close to my transition date.

By late last night, I realized I could let go of my fears. I do not need to have clear answers to everything that lies on the path ahead or even know exactly what the destination will look like. This is a journey of self-discovery. It is also an opportunity that few people have. I can and will remake myself and in doing that I will get a better idea of who I am. I will become a new person, the real being who has always been lurking in the shadows but can now be free.

Today at work, I was relieved that I was feeling very confident again and excited about transitioning. There will be scary moments ahead, some bumps in the road, rejection by some people and lack of understanding from others. That is all OK because I am strong enough to handle it. For the first time in my life I feel I can handle anything. That does not mean I think everything will be easy, by any means.

I want to mention that, nearly all of the time, I have not felt fearful about transitioning. A number of people at work have mentioned how my very positive, confident attitude makes it easy for others to support me. I am also very open to and not in the least embarrassed by questions from anyone about my transition and the fact that I am a transgender/transsexual woman.

It has only been when I am alone as I get near the date of my transitioning to female that I have gotten anxious. I'm not talking about occasional doubts I've had before but being truly anxious and fearful. Even at these times, if I take action and exercise or get out and have fun, my fear subsides.

Fear is a natural emotion for transitioning transsexuals. The issue is how to deal with this fear so it doesn't become overpowering and prevent the transitioner from proceeding with confidence.

Yesterday, I felt my usual confidence at work about who I am and my upcoming transition. As part of the transition plan of the company, to help things go smoothly, I did a Q & A session that will be published in the corporate newsletter. I was really calm during the interview and had no difficulty talking about what's going on in my life and how I got to this point.

The company I worked for asked me to find a few URLs to be published with the newsletter. One of my favorite sites is Lynn Conway's.

Lynn Conway was a well-known, respected computer scientist at IBM when she started to transition in 1967 and was subsequently fired by IBM. She was able to overcome her fears and go on to start her career again in a new location in 'stealth' mode. That is, she moved and hid her past from everyone in her life. She earned international recognition in her new career. Decades later, she was outed by computer historians. She has since developed an extensive website that deals, in a non-sensational way, with her life and all aspects of transsexualism.

Lynn is well aware of the role fear can play in keeping transitioning men and women from reaching their goals. This quote is from her website: http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/LynnsStory.html

The great obstacle to transition: The challenge of confronting and coping with fear

People often ask Lynn "How were you able to cope with intense fear, and make the hard moves involved in transition back in the 60's?" This question is important , because fear is probably the biggest obstacle to transition, even today. Even a person with intense motivation, positive attitude, effective planning, and an ability to rapidly learn new skills can "stall-out" and fail to transition, if they cannot learn to cope with fear.

Fear causes many TG/TS people to delay for years taking even the smallest steps, such as coming out to someone, making an appointment with a gender counselor, doing some tentative cross-dressing in public, or even going into a store to buy some make-up or women's clothing. Beyond these simple tasks, many TG/TS people over-worry about whether they'll ever pass, whether they can avoid violence, and whether they can face the pain of many surgeries. These fears derive from real concerns. But fear itself cannot be allowed to control your life and block progress towards important goals.

Fear does its greatest damage when a person reduces anxiety by NOT doing something frightening. For example, when someone terrified of public speaking finds a way to avoid giving a talk, the resulting reduction in anxiety feels like a "reward for talk avoidance". NOT doing scary things rapidly becomes habit for such a person, because they reward themselves for not doing things. However, by NOT doing scary things, they may never make progress towards important goals. The only way to break out of such avoidance-behavior is to learn to PUSH through fear and DO things in spite of fear. Then you experience rewards from decisive positive action.

However, this is easier said than done. If you can act while feeling intense fear, bystanders sense your fear and experience great unease. The unease people feel around a frightened TS in transition is like the unease we feel when a public speaker gets "stage-fright". It isn't that they dislike the person, or are bigots - it's just instinctive to feel uneasy around a very frightened person. This "fear-feedback" from bystanders then further frightens the transitioner. Therefore, taking actions when freaked-out doesn't work. Instead, you have to find ways to acclimate to fear and calm it down.

Lynn learned to cope with fear when she was in her teens, by getting into rock climbing. As she advanced to leading climbs, she had to face difficult moves, calculate whether they could be taken, and make decisions about risk and about the technical protection she had placed. By leading more and more difficult climbs, she learned to make difficult moves gracefully as if just off the ground, even when there were big dropoffs below her. Later, whenever Lynn faced something fearful she would think of it like a climbing move. Once she worked out the move, she would just go DO IT. Methodically "stepping through fear" became a habit. Many of Lynn's friends over the years learned similar lessons from adventures in skiing, figure skating, gymnastics, horseback riding, whitewater canoeing, motocross racing, and other demanding physical pursuits. Maybe you can find an activity that will help you this way too.

The gender transition experience itself can teach these same lessons. By starting out carefully in the initial stages, the beginner can learn how to confront and calm fears before going on to the harder steps. The key is to find modestly fearful things that you MUST DO and CAN DO, and then DO them in a timely, decisive manner. This can help you learn how to calm yourself before going on to harder steps.

The fears and embarrassments of the beginner fade as one makes progress. The accumulating physical changes and the skills learned in the early stages of transition can bring on a cheerful smile, a better attitude, and an eagerness to overcome harder challenges yet ahead. With practice along the way, fear can gradually be contained and replaced with hope, determination and anticipation.

Danya,

As your day draws near, I am getting just as anxious as you are But at the same time I know that you are a strong woman, and I know you will get through this just fine. Not only will you get through it, but you will enjoy it, and you will learn and grow as Danya because of it. Remember, you have friends who are here for you throughout the entire journey, and I am one of those friends

Danya,

plix (imported) wrote: Wed May 07, 2008 5:05 pm As your day draws near, I am getting just as anxious as you are But at the same time I know that you are a strong woman, and I know you will get through this just fine. Not only will you get through it, but you will enjoy it, and you will learn and grow as Danya because of it. Remember, you have friends who are here for you throughout the entire journey, and I am one of those friends

Hi plix,

I know you are one of those friends , among many others here, and I am glad for that. You are right, I will enjoy this time. Today I felt like laughing out loud, I was really happy thinking about how free I am becoming.

There is a possibility, although I think it's slight, that my transition day may be delayed a week or two. Human Resources kind of dropped the ball a bit on finding an educator to lead a discussion for interested and concerned employees. This meeting is supposed to take place next week. I told HR that I think it's critical for this to be held before I transition. I will delay that if the meeting isn't held as originally scheduled. Today, I was trying to help them locate someone. It's likely everything will proceed according to plan.

I escaped the confines of my home Monday evening for a late night movie. I needed to get out in the worst way! So I went to see the new movie "Iron Man". I've always been a fan of action hero type movies, good vs. evil and other mundane stuff like that! The movie was reasonably well done with great special effects. Besides, I've always found Robert Downey, Jr easy on my eyes. To top it off, Gwyneth Paltrow is back on screen in this film after a several-year hiatus to care for young children. If only I could get the name of her dress designer, particularly for the green...well, never mind. Seriously, though, she is one of my favorite actresses.

The movie started at 10:05 PM and I didn't get home until well after midnight. I had plenty of energy at work today even though I had to get in early for a meeting. Not too bad for a 56-year-old out late the night before.