jamesmc (imported) wrote: Tue Dec 30, 2008 7:43 am I appreciate your kindness as well. Good luck with everything. Thank you for being there for me as well.

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks for your kind words.

I spoke with a good friend here this morning to discuss some of my concerns about continuing to write. He convinced me that I might not be perceived as quite the foolish young teen I imagine myself to be. I responded that I did not want to feel like I was abandoning my friends.

You can consider me a feckless, fickle female! I will continue to post on this thread.

There were several aspects to my decision, Saturday evening, not to post.

1. When I looked back at posts where I wrote things such as "I am crying now", I thought people would think I had lost it. In a way, I had lost it but I was being completely honest. I was also afraid readers would not understand why I write like this. The way I express myself began to change after I started estrogen. Then there was my worry that I would come across as intrusive. Too many concerns! Those are all related to my feeling like an insecure young teen finding her way toward adulthood.

I put a lot of thought and emotional energy into some of the things I write. It may not seem this way, but even when I am writing about topics that are not related to gender identity I am inviting people into my life. Would I remain comfortable doing that when my emotions are often volatile? When what I produce can display my raw emotions to everyone? I did not think so.

2. When I reread my recent "The Teenage Years" post, I realized that I was not merely baring my soul for others to see. I was also discovering part of who I am in a new way.

I have known for some time that I was not my 'true self' for most of my life. That post took me beyond self-knowledge to a place of emotional anguish over my life. The life I lived not being true to myself.

"The Teenage Years" was a difficult look into my past and future. When I reread it, I was devastated. I wondered if I wanted to share such intensely personal self-examinations. It did not seem like a good idea Saturday evening.

3. In "The Teenage Years", I looked into a possible future. No one knows, with any certainty, what their future will be. For many, though, there is a set of expectations that serves as a type of playbook. * They have some idea of where they are going.

For a transsexual person, a least for me and some others I read about, the way forward is not as clear. I expect to remain happy that I have transitioned. Beyond that, I do not know what will happen. The playbook others rely on does not cover the life path of many transgender people. They must decide themselves, as they move along, what the path will be and often without a clear picture of the ultimate goal. This freedom to create a new and different life is exciting. At times, it is a bit scary.

Did I really want to let others know that, at times, I am frightened? That I can be so uncertain as to my life direction? Saturday evening, I thought the answer was 'no'.

A Female-to-Male person, who identifies as gay, wrote one of my favorite essays on the what it means to be transsexual. His name is Tucker Lieberman. Here are a few paragraphs from Tucker's essay "Why Change Your Sex? (http://www.whosoever.org/v9i1/tucker.shtml)"

"Accepting our own gayness and transsexuality are life-affirming choices. However, the transsexual choice is different because it isn't based on getting rid of negative feelings about joy; it's based on conquering the negative feelings without knowing if there's any joy beyond them. Whereas the gay person begins to come out by saying whom he or she loves, the transsexual begins to come out by saying he or she feels trapped. The gay person has a clue about what happiness might look like. The transsexual's desire to change the circumstances of his or her birth is less coherent and less attainable. All the transsexual seems to be saying is that he or she wants to sprout wings and take off."

"Transsexuals cannot tell you the meaning of gender any more than a psychology Ph.D. can tell you the nature of consciousness, a priest can make god appear to you, or a mountain climber can express the deep silence within the granite. Transsexuals, too, are perpetual students in the school of life. Most of us do not even want to be experts on gender—we just want to have a gender, like everyone else, and flow with it. When we cut and shape ourselves, we aren't asserting an ideology, we're choosing a life, hands open and eyes closed."

"So much deliberation for so little certainty. But when I look back on my life, what's most striking are those leaps of faith—not just the surgery but the moments of decision to have surgery. Those leaps were times when I set aside my intellect so that love could shine through."

I took a huge leap of faith when I decided to transition. Some time ago, I wrote that I had to put thinking aside and allow my feelings on what was right for me lead the way. That was a new way of making decisions. Tucker writes about the same process.

I left behind a reasonably comfortable life and identity I had built over decades. What I traveled to was less certain. I was happy that I had resolved my gender conflicts and was moving forward with transition. What I did not know was whether this happiness would continue as the months went by. ** All I knew with certainty was that I would be free to be myself and that there would be challenges ahead.

Tucker is a spiritual person who just happens to be Jewish. His spirituality resonates with me and I feel like I am connecting with a soul mate when I read some of his works. It does not matter that he is gay and I identify as a straight female.

* I am surprised that a sports term, playbook, popped into my head when I was searching for a word to use. I have never watched much sports.

** I was elated when I transitioned to full-time living as a woman, but I expected that after a few months my happines

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Sep 15, 2008 5:33 pm s would return to a more sustainable

level. It seemed impossible that I could continue to be very happy most of the time. More than 7 months have passed since I transitioned and I am happier now than ever.

Thanks again for writing, Jennifer.

Hugs,

Danya

I made an amazing discovery today. Tights! I'm sure you can't wait to find out more. I'll come back to this, and other more substantive topics, later in the evening.

Like most other New Year's Eves, I will be spending the evening alone. I will have some type of private party going on, though! That won't be until late.

I will be working from home tonight and tomorrow. Our Finance department will be closing the calendar year. I have a lot of database and other support work to finish so they can do what they need.

I want to let everyone know that I appreciate your support.

Hugs,

Danya

This has been a strange night. I have been working remotely to finish a project that has to get done before the sun rises. I have several hours to go on that and I already feel like I need to get to bed.

For some time now, my emotional development has been similar to that of a young teen. A female teen, that is! It's a good thing my 57 year old intellect is in charge at the office.

Tonight, I feel like I have matured, emotionally, a year or two. I was getting used to feeling like a young teen and I am not sure I welcome this new development. Perhaps it is temporary. Maybe I am just too tired to understand what's going on. In the morning, I may feel as immature as ever. I was enjoying that stage, for the most part, and I think I can learn more from it.

I feel that I have matured because of a revived sexuality. It is late and I am too tired to explain this well now. There may be nothing to explain if I regress over the next several hours. I can hope.

Well I think this might be right but? My own second puberty was a bit intense and vivid but it was easier the second time around. Enjoy it! This is the "only" female puberty you get! So maybe its all new and improved? I'm VERY curious how its different!

Danya (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 01, 2009 4:34 pm I made an amazing discovery today. Tights! I'm sure you can't wait to find out more. I'll come back to this, and other more substantive topics, later in the evening.

Now that it's winter, I'm wearing dresses and skirts more often than when the weather was warmer. That's partly due to the fact that I have more clothing to choose from. It seems I can never have too many outfits.

When I arrived at work Wednesday, a young female coworker was surprised I was wearing nylons. I explained that, at home, my car is in the garage. Once I get to work and park in the ramp, I have no more than 100 feet to walk to the heated skyway. I am not exposed to the cold for long. Even if I am wearing heels, I have boots in the car (and blankets) in case the car breaks down or I need to shovel snow.

She suggested that I try tights in place of nylons. I was reluctant to spend the money but they are not terribly expensive. I bought several pairs and one or two have beautiful patterns. I love them!

Prior to transitioning, in during the first months after that, I was not very certain about my tastes in clothes. Now, I k

Danya (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 01, 2009 11:22 pm now exactly what I want and what I'll look my best in.

For some time now, my emotional development has been similar to that of a young teen. A female teen, that is! ...

Tonight, I feel like I have matured, emotionally, a year or two. I was getting used to feeling like a young teen and I am not sure I welcome this new development. Perhaps it is temporary. Maybe I am just too tired to understand what's going on. In the morning, I may feel as immature as ever. I was enjoying that stage, for the

most part, and I think I can learn more from it.

I was too tired earlier this week. Now that I am rested, I feel 13 again. Maybe going on 14!

My interests in books and movies have changed. Over the last week, I have watched the romantic comedy "Love Actually" four times! That doesn't count all the scenes I have replayed multiple times because they are so wonderful. Wonderful in the way they portray love.

I will watch it one more time tonight. I cry during many of the scenes; this is an emotional release.

A young gay friend at work likes "Love Actually". When I told him I had watched it, I called it a 'chick flick'. This bothered him and he pointed out that is, properly speaking, a romantic comedy. I know that, 'G'!

I used to really like science fiction and adventure movies. Now, I have no desire to watch those. If I had a man friend, I would certainly be happy to watch with him.

...

Danya (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 01, 2009 11:22 pm I feel that I have matured because of a revived sexuality. It is late and I am too tired to explain this well now. There may be nothing to explain if I regress over the next several hours. I can hope.

Something was going on earlier in the week. I had a sudden urge to see pictures of men making love to women, with and without clothing! All I'll say is, I acquired enough photos to meet my needs.

mrt (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 02, 2009 12:38 am Well I think this might be right but? My own second puberty was a bit intense and vivid but it was easier the second time around. Enjoy it! This is the "only" female puberty you get! So maybe its all new and improved? I'm VERY curious how its different!

Hi MrT,

I am enjoying it, very much so. As to how it is different from my first, male puberty all I can say is I never wanted that and did not enjoy it. I did not like what it was doing to my emotions or my body.

My second,female puberty, is just right for who I am. I love

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed Jul 09, 2008 8:38 am the emotional and physical changes.

I have already explained how much I want GRS. This desire grew the longer I was on estrogen. The problem is paying for it. I want to develop a supplemental source of income to help me reach that goal. Until March or April, my heavy work load at my regular job will probably make it difficult to work on anything else. After that, I fully anticipate that I will develop one or more sources of additional income.

Over the last several weeks, I have looked a my financial situation very carefully. In addition, I projected income and expenses well into the future. What I found surprised me. It was very good news. Even if I never bring in extra income, I should have the money for GRS in two years or less. Maybe much less.

Knowing this makes me very happy. Now I think I may also want a face lift, tummy tuck, breast augmentation, lip enhancement and maybe a few others things!

I can live without those. My real hope is that I also have enough money to finish electrolysis. I will make that happen, too. All this takes time. I just need to learn to be patient.

I think its great that you've made up your mind to go forward with SRS/GRS. I think Dr Bowers allows people to put money down and lock in this years going rate (When I was pondering having her do my Orchi I think it was $500 down?) I'm not sure thats the amount or even if that works for SRS/GRS but it might be worth looking into if you had plans on using her services.

Saving a few dollars is always of value.

As to the watching straight porn. Ha! Well you at least admit it. The women I've known all enjoyed it but never would own up to it!

mrt (imported) wrote: Sat Jan 03, 2009 8:33 pm I think its great that you've made up your mind to go forward with SRS/GRS. I think Dr Bowers allows people to put money down and lock in this years going rate (When I was pondering having her do my Orchi I think it was $500 down?) I'm not sure thats the amount or even if that works for SRS/GRS but it might be worth looking into if you had plans on using her services.

Saving a few dollars is always of value.

As to the watching straight porn. Ha! Well you at least admit it. The women I've known all enjoyed it but never would own up to it!

Hi MrT,

I will certainly have GRS. The only question is when.

In the meantime, my life continues to get better as the months since I transitioned pass. I did not expect this because everything was already terrific on May 19. That was the day, in 2008, when I transitioned at work. I had not yet started estrogen therapy.

Erica Ann told me about the $500 deposit with Marci Bowers, locking in the cost of the surgery. I may well do that soon.

Now MrT, it's not really PORN I'm acquiring. It is pictures of loving male-female couples doing something that is beautiful and natural. All I wanted was a few pictures and I have those now. I will cancel my membership to the site. I have no desire to see how many photos I can collect.

I was most interested in pictures of men caressing, kissing and holding women. The same way I imagine myself being treated by a man.

Hugs,

Danya