At this point, I realize it is unlikely that I will get a response to the Christmas cards I sent to my family. With the cards, I included two photos of the real me, Danya. In a 'normal' year, I would have received at least a card from the southern relatives, by the 10th or so.

I am feeling very sad. Earlier in the evening, I didn't think I would post anything on this subject. There is nothing anyone can do about my family's failure to respond. I have tried to be open about my entire experience, though, so I am including this.

Intellectually, I understand all the reasons families can have problems accepting transgendered loved ones. On an emotional level, I feel abandoned. Not only do I feel abandoned by my family, but I feel alone in the world.

The unfortunate truth is that many transgender people are rejected by some or all family members. I will recover and I do not expect that to take very many days. And I know I am not alone at all, thanks in part to the many supportive comments from folks here on the Archive. I just need those few days for my spirit to mend so I do not feel so alone.

I wish everyone holiday blessings and happiness for 2009, whatever you believe and whatever your religion may be (or not be at all).

Hugs,

Danya

I find that I am starting to recover my emotional stability already. I do not know why I am still surprised by my ability to easily cope with difficulties. Since I transitioned, I have been very strong.

I will not be drawn down by anyone, relatives or not. I refuse to let that happen. I am angry right now that I have allowed myself to feel like a victim.

When I saw my therapist Thursday afternoon, she commented that it would be good if my family responded with something like "We don't agree with what you are doing but you're still part of the family." I told her then and there that this type of response was not acceptable to me. She looked a little taken aback. She should know how I feel by now and how I handle my life. She says I handle my life and my transition better than most of her clients. I may be her first trans client that she has admitted does not need to see her at all. She knows I do not willingly allow anyone to demean me. She knows I stand up for my own rights and those of others.

What I could accept from my family is something like "We do not understand what you are doing but you are still part of the family and we love you." Or, "We are having trouble working through this but we are trying."

Who I am is not something to be debated or decided by anyone else. No one has the right to 'not agree' with who I am. Would my family presume to tell a person of color "We do not agree with your identifying as a person of color"?

I would not dare tell one of my brother's that I disagree with his divorcing some years ago. It is beside the point that it is not my business and it does not change how I feel about him. This is merely an example. I have nothing but empathy for people who divorce.

Nor will I accept tolerance as a condition of acceptance by family or friends. If the best someone can offer me is their tolerance, I do not want them in my life.

Tolerating me means things like "As long as you don't make trouble, be too open, be seen with us in public we will put up with you." This is not acceptable and it is demeaning.

I am woman, I am strong.....something like that! You get the idea.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Danya you have been a great sister keep up the good work

marry x-mass

kennath7 (imported) wrote: Sun Dec 21, 2008 4:43 pm Danya you have been a great sister keep up the good work

marry x-mass

Hi kennath7,

You are a sweetheart. Thanks for the encouragement. You have come a long way this year yourself.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Hugs,

Danya

I just received an online gift certificate to Macy's from my Texas brother, his wife, my niece and nephew. They used my real (i.e., new legal) name. I was crying when I got the email notification.

I wasn't sure I would hear from them again. They received my Christmas card and photo a few weeks ago. I will write a thank-you note.

After I put some thought into this, I will let you know about any additional things I will do. It may seem strange, but I am not sure how to proceed with any futher contacts beyond the thank-you note.

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Dec 22, 2008 1:10 pm I just received an online gift certificate to Macy's from my Texas brother, his wife, my niece and nephew. They used my real (i.e., new legal) name. I was crying when I got the email notification.

I wasn't sure I would hear from them again. They received my Christmas card and photo a few weeks ago. I will write a thank-you note.

After I put some thought into this, I will let you know about any additional things I will do. It may seem strange, but I am not sure how to proceed with any futher contacts beyond the thank-you note.

Stay away from the jewelry counter. I am happy that they were thinking of you this Holiday. This may be the start of a beautiful thing.

Hugs, Love and Merry Christmas,

tugon (imported) wrote: Mon Dec 22, 2008 1:24 pm Stay away from the jewelry counter. I am happy that they were thinking of you this Holiday. This may be the start of a beautiful thing.

Hugs, Love and Merry Christmas,

Tugon, my friend, you are very funny! I will stay away from the jewelry counter. I will use the gift money to get a nice pair of women's boots. I don't have any good foot wear for the season and I wasn't going to buy any. I can always rely on old hiking boots I've still got around.

I hope this is

tugon (imported) wrote: Mon Dec 22, 2008 1:24 pm the start of a beautiful thing.

The best I can say is that I am cautiously optimistic.

Hugs and love to you. I wish I could see you at Christmas.

Danya

...

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Dec 22, 2008 1:10 pm After I put some thought into this, I will let you know about any additional things I will do. It may seem strange, but I am not sure how to proceed with any futher contacts beyond the thank-you note.

I was going to send my niece and nephew gift cards from Borders Books. I nixed that idea when I saw the shipping for those to arrive by Christmas would add 60% to the cost.

Instead, I sent the entire Dallas clan one gift that I found on sale. It is food (a sampling of different cheesecakes) and guaranteed to arrive by Christmas Eve.

In a few days, I'll send a snail mail thank-you note for the Macy's gift certificate.

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Dec 22, 2008 1:10 pm I just received an online gift certificate to Macy's from my Texas brother, his wife, my niece and nephew. They used my real (i.e., new legal) name. I was crying when I got the email notification.

I wasn't sure I would hear from them again. They received my Christmas card and photo a few weeks ago. I will write a thank-you note.....

Today, I received a Christmas card, addressed properly with my new name, from

Danya (imported) wrote: Sun Dec 14, 2008 5:06 pm my conservative California brother.

When I visited him in April, he told me "What you are doing is bizarre, it is a choice and there is no support". Anyone who wants the details and a look at how I responded can find those in my April, 2008 posts.

When I got the ecard from my Texas relatives, I was in tears. I had little reaction to my California brother's card. I felt a little surprised but not much else. Nonetheless, the fact that he sent a card may mean he paid attention to what I wrote to him after the I visited him. In short. I offered him a choice. He could accept me as I am or there would be no possibility of a relationship.

With both of my brothers, there is a chance that we can build a better relationship than we ever had, in time. A relationship that is based on honesty and mutual respect. As a good friend here said, my family is still finding their way. They never had a big sister before. I remain cautiously optimistic.

For the first time, I feel like celebrating Christmas. It's kind of late, though, to put up my artificial tree.

I cannot believe it, but with two days to go until Christmas Eve I have decided to put up my artificial tree. This takes several hours.

What was I thinking? Tomorrow is Christmas Eve! Yikes, I'll still put up the tree.

Things with my family look a little different and I want to have that tree to look at.