Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[Danya (imported)]

This has been a stressful week for me. The main problem is I haven't been getting enough sleep. When I am not well rested, I can get just a little cranky and, as an added bonus, I lose my sense of life balance.

I wonder if estrogen has changed my circadian rhythm, disrupting my normal sleep patterns. I can easily stay up until 3 in the morning with no apparent need to get to bed. In fact, very late evening and early morning are now my most productive times. If only I didn't have a regular job to get to each day. After days of staying up very late, I find it difficult to get up even by 8 AM. Ten AM or later would work very well on a regular basis.

There's an additional problem; I need more sleep than before I transitioned. This is a typical result of estrogen therapy. Perhaps I really am a teen again!

In my day, young folks, there was no knowledge of something that is today well accepted. That is, the changed biological clocks in teens. They do not function well in morning classes because they should still be in bed! I wonder if I can get a doctor's excuse allowing my to get to work by 11 AM?

For about five minutes this morning, I was having a difficult time. There are several major changes going on right now besides the really big one, transitioning. The others are beyond my control. Taken together, they can leave me stressed out.

During those several minutes, I thought that I might need to detransition (return to my former gender identity, no matter how uncomfortable it was). I quickly dismissed that thought because to do that would mean denying who I am and going back to a life of unhappiness and self-destructive behaviors. This is not an option that I will pursue, ever.

What caused this annoying, if fleeting, idea was some insecurity in my career. What if I were to lose my job in the next several months? I might have a really difficult time finding another mid-transition. There were other things going on in my head, too, but the freak-out session ended very quickly.

I was surprised at how quickly I was able to dismiss my negative thoughts. For all of us, life is uncertain even in the best of times. I will not allow fear to determine my direction.

By mid-afternoon, I realized I needed to get dressed, get out of the house and have fun. A friend and I spent several hours together doing just that. This evening I am relaxed and calm.

[mrt (imported)]

Like you after my hormones being bought from the "store" I had problems with sleep. Please ask your doctor about your DHEA levels and ask her/him about using that and or Melatonin (SPelxed Rong?) I use both and I started dreaming again for the first time in??? And wow! What action. Better then ANY movie and I wake up refreshed. My doctor thinks that my low levels were making it difficult to reach REM sleep. The sleep not the Band.

If you go on DHEA ask for a transdermal cream or a patch or the under the tongue pill. All the other forms seem to spike Estrogen levels in men and Testosterone levels in women. You want just the DHEA not weird effects on your other hormones.

As to this panic "moment" lets face it you were the wrong sex for a long time. Its not a crime to have a flash back once in a while. Just relax and keep on doing what your doing so well... Being you!

[twaddler (imported)]

"

I will not allow fear to determine my direction.

"

Good for you!

[Danya (imported)]

Like you after my hormones being bought from the "store" I had problems with sleep. Please ask your doctor about your DHEA levels and ask her/him about using that and or Melatonin (SPelxed Rong?) I use both and I started dreaming again for the first time in??? And wow! What action. Better then ANY movie and I wake up refreshed. My doctor thinks that my low levels were making it difficult to reach REM sleep. The sleep not the Band.

I will discuss this with my physician and meant to at my last visit. You have mentioned this before. Some nights I have very vivid dreams. For years before I transitioned, I rarely had a dream I could remember let alone intense ones.

Now I dream of long phone conversations with people I have never met. They are not anyone I might know, either, although when I wake I remeber their names! Sometimes it's not phone calls but email exchanges. At least I realize in the light of day that these were not real events (or people). I have more 'normal' dreams, too.

As to this panic "moment" lets face it you were the wrong sex for a long time. Its not a crime to have a flash back once in a while. Just relax and keep on doing what your doing so well... Being you!

I always appreciate your comments and find that you have a lot of insight into things that you have never experienced. That's quite remarkable. I was the wrong sex for a long time. Part of the ongoing process of transitioning is dismantling parts of the former male self which no longer fit and can even hinder the development of the maturing 'girl' within.

I agree with you, there's nothing wrong with having a flashback. In fact, those may never entirely go away.

Hugs,

Danya

"

I will not allow fear to determine my direction.

"

Good for you!

Thanks for the encouragement, postatracura.

Hugs,

Danya

[mrt (imported)]

In a small way I think I get what your going through. I had hormone problems and things were not "right" with me. Sexually as well as mental etc so getting on HRT for me was my m2M sex change Thanks to the good Dr B for suggesting that concept.

The "rightness" of having the right hormone fuel for me is what I base my take on how you felt when you dialed off Testosterone and went on Estrogen. If I had gone on Estrogen I'm sure it would have felt "wrong" as I did when I didn't have enough Testosterone. When you went on Estrogen your reaction was relief and pure joy (Or so I gathered from your posts) which I take as being the correct mix for you.

Men with borderline hormones are often given a test run to see if the "symptoms" change. In other words if a man is near the bottom end of Testosterone and has mood problems, low sex drive, depression etc and responds to HRT? Then they would continue it. If not they can explore other problems such as Mental Depression or other hormone issues.

I wonder if the same type of treatment might be of value to people who are borderline GID? If their need for transition is repressed and they respond to HRT? Then the therapy can continue with a renewed vigor because the therapist/doctor will be able to conclude they are truly on the right track.

Don't we live in interesting times?

[mrt (imported)]

P.S. Now that I can dream again I often dream that I'm reading books. And I've tried to focus on the words in the books to see what they are and its very odd stuff....

[Danya (imported)]

When you went on Estrogen your reaction was relief and pure joy (Or so I gathered from your posts) which I take as being the correct mix for you.

Yes, MrT, my reaction to estrogen was relief and pure joy. That continues now, almost 6 months after I started estrogen therapy. You have to keep in mind that I had major depression most of my life. At times, I can still hardly believe I have reached this happy place in my life. More of the pieces fall into place as time goes by and I feel even more feminine and that is so right for me.

I wonder if the same type of treatment might be of value to people who are borderline GID? If their need for transition is repressed and they respond to HRT? Then the therapy can continue with a renewed vigor because the therapist/doctor will be able to conclude they are truly on the right track.

Don't we live in interesting times?

I think you are on to something,

going from my own experience. It was only when I started an anti-androgen a year ago that I started to pick up on clear female feelings and reactions to people. Everything did not fall into place immediately, but there were clues there.

There is another clue from my childhood which I have not mentioned on this site before. When I was a teen, the time came when I needed to shave my upper lip. I called my mother into my bedroom one night when I was sobbing. I was distraught about my new facial hair and did not want it.

I know this happened but it only came back to me tonight as I was speaking with a number of trans folks.

I agree with you on 'interesting times'. I was just writing an email to another friend about the strange and wonderful adventure I am on.

Hugs,

Danya

[mrt (imported)]

Yes, MrT, my reaction to estrogen was relief and pure joy. That continues now, almost 6 months after I started estrogen therapy. You have to keep in mind that I had major depression most of my life. At times, I can still hardly believe I have reached this happy place in my life. More of the pieces fall into place as time goes by and I feel even more feminine and that is so right for me.

220773800]
I think you are on to something,

going from my own experience. It was only when I started an anti-androgen a year ago that I started to pick up on clear female feelings and reactions to people. Everything did not fall into place immediately, but there were clues there.

There is another clue from my childhood which I have not mentioned on this site before. When I was a teen, the time came when I needed to shave my upper lip. I called my mother into my bedroom one night when I was sobbing. I was distraught about my new facial hair and did not want it.

I know this happened but it only came back to me tonight as I was speaking with a number of trans folks.

I agree with you on 'interesting times'. I was just writing an email to another friend about the s
[/quote]
trange and wonderful adventure I am on.

Hugs,

Danya

I once told my doctor that she was part science and part detective. The detective part makes me ponder how using tools like Estrogen and some extensive Q&A might make the journey for folks like you more science and less dramatic. I mean its "seems" simple that you got from where you were to where you are but I know that its been anything but easy. I feel that way about my trials with finding help for my hormone and orchialgia issues. It was damn hard to get that squared away "then" but now it seems much more straightforward.

Anyway, I'm glad to know you and have played a small part in all this. I'm so glad that you still feel positive about your choices and that Estrogen still has a magic. I know that while I'm not keen on injections I feel very positive when I push in the plunger and I'm "good" for another week.

[Danya (imported)]

My very close lesbian friend and I went to dinner on Thanksgiving. Neither one of us has much money to spare right now and this restaurant is not inexpensive. There are a few occasions throughout the year, though, that we want to celebrate together over a very good meal.

Both of us had been scrimping in November to be sure we would have enough cash for Thanksgiving dinner. When my finances were better, I regularly treated my friend to dinner and trips to the movies. She has very little money but I enjoyed her company and it made me happy to take her along. I can no longer afford that.

As I drove her home, my friend said she had a confession to make. She feels like we are dating and has felt that way for several years. At the beginning, she thought this was because I always paid for everything. Now, even though we both pay our own way, the dating feeling remains for her.

This did not surprise me and I immediately told her that I was flattered. Although I am attracted to men for their bodies, I am discovering that I can have romantic feelings for women, too. Sexuality, like gender, tends to be fluid. Women, more so than men, tend to easily form romantic relationships with people of their own gender at any age.

Unless a man has identified as gay or bisexual at an early age, he is very unlikely to form a romantic relationship with another man once he reaches a certain age.

I do not know what may develop between my friend and me but I am open to possibilities I would have never considered before I transitioned.

[mrt (imported)]

I think its great that you have a romantic interest. I think if nothing else it has to be flattering to be wanted! That never hurts....

Do tread carefully however if you don't feel the same way. But if you do? Well you have someone thats not going to be full of drama and surprises because you have known each other for so long.

And love is such an important part of the whole sexual thing for most people. When the friendship, are secure first you can at least go forward with a little less unwanted drama.