It is far better that you deal with these feelings and doubts now, rather than after GRS surgery. I have known a couple of people that did it the other way around. Not good.

Transward

Terry,

Since they only knew you as a woman on your current job what reaction did you get when appearing as a male?

transward (imported) wrote: Tue Aug 17, 2010 4:14 pm It is far better that you deal with these feelings and doubts now, rather than after GRS surgery. I have known a couple of people that did it the other way around. Not good.

Transward

Hi Terry,

You have been through so much over the last 6 years. I am glad to know you are taking some time in your process of redefining/understanding who you are.

I second Transward's opinion.

I wish you the best, wherever your journey leads you.

Danya

Hi all,

I'm a bit frustrated: the "remission" didn't last. How do I know? Among other things, unexpectedly started crying while soaping up Mr. Penis in the shower this morning.

Feels like I've been living on the ragged edge lately. Been going to work as a nominal male (more like a male-ish eunuch), and going female on weekends. One day, because my pants/shirt combo for work came out more feminine than expected, decided to add a bra and cosmetics to go female.

Still going to try being male at work, but it does seem to take a toll on my psyche. You may ask, "Why bother? Stick with being female if that works for you." I don't have a good answer for you except:

I'm personally uncomfortable with the moral ambiguity of transition. I can justify it when suicide looms as the only alternative; but if the GID is mild (as it was recently), matching gender presentation to one's gender history seems more honest.

What really pushed me to be female at work was getting challenged in the men's room; figured I needed to clear up the ambiguity. Now with shorter hair, I look male enough in the men's room.

Another thing which pushed me to be female at work was to avoid the risk of accidental collisions between male work life and female social life (e.g., running into an acquaintance at a mall). However, I'm more willing to be "out" to potential friends now with my identity as a feminine eunuch, whereas I was going to keep things secret as an MtF transsexual. Therefore, such "collisions" aren't a major risk anymore.

* * *

Now to respond to your individual posts:

Transward and Danya --

Yes, I agree. For the sake of helping me find out who I am, the RLE ("Real Life Experience") worked like it is supposed to. Eight months into my RLE, realized I'm not seeking full integration into female society. At the same time, discovered/redefined who I am (feminine eunuch, not transwoman). So the RLE is most helpful -- there's no teacher like experience. Also, no amount of analysis or rational thinking can compete with gender being lived out in daily life. (And that cuts both ways: Although I've "decided" to be male at work for the interim, only time will tell whether I can last emotionally in that role.)

Mac --

Yes, I lost a lot, but it was a loss already anyway. Remember, I got kicked out of the house for being suicidal, before any crossdressing or intentions to transition. My spouse wasn't going to take me back unless I "felt male inside again." The

bryan (imported) wrote: Sun Aug 15, 2010 9:13 am divorce settlement with no visitation

is definitely a sore spot... but not going to go there; I just have to think of other things when my son comes to mind. Even in my current state of going to work as male-ish eunuch, I don't think either of them (spouse or son) would accept me. My feminine identity was foreign to them, like demon possession. I now see the femininity was an unexpected side effect of castration (YMMV), something none of the professionals I consulted were able to point out. I'm still the same person as before, only an androgen-deprived, more-feminine version.

Appearing as a male hasn't even raised an eyebrow. But that is because everyone at work had known me as male plus I've discovered the shift in gender presentation really isn't perceptible to people who know me, only to strangers. So when I was showing up as female at work, they weren't perceiving it that way. (Bear in mind I wear appropriate attire for industrial plants and factories, so that rules out skirts/dresses and most jewelry -- obvious female cues. The basic differences between my male and female work presentations are: addition of a bra and cosmetics, and choice of colors.)

However, there is a client site where I have to show my [female] driver's license at the guard shack. Since my male presentation is more like "male-ish eunuch" and because I use my female voice instinctively, no eyebrows raised there either -- they accept me as female.

JessJames --

Thanks for the encouragement.

* * *

This current approach isn't a happier state for me, just going to see how it goes.

But you know what's interesting? My underlying gender does seem to leak out in unusual/unexpected ways. For instance, after going to shorter hair and a more male look, felt like my boss was treating me with less respect than usual. After some emotional distress and serious consideration, I explained the situation to a respected co-worker and, asking for his full honesty, asked, "Does my shorter hair make me look goofy and unprofessional?" He said, no, that I looked fine, and explained that our boss was a bit rushed that day. But that is how I perceive the male version of me: "goofy." I much prefer the female version.

Until I post again, you can assume I will switch back and forth, never making up my mind. :-\

Terry the Flake

There's nothing wrong with a little variety. If associates and friends are good with it, then go for it and enjoy.

Hi everyone,

Although going to work as a nominal male this week, had this experience:

While meeting some out-of-town contractors at a customer's site, one of them said (with a warm/friendly smile), "When we heard your name months ago, we simply assumed you would be male..."

[Rather than being a matter of consternation, his observation warmed my heart.]

Add to that a good measure of "ma'ams" while getting fast food or in other public situations. Guess I appear more feminine than I thought but, too, I use my female/androgynous voice all the time since I can't bring myself to use my old voice (although the pitch does lower somewhat when I'm in comfortable situations).

Only time will tell where this goes,

Terry

Hi all,

Time for an update:

Still going to work as a male-ish eunuch; on weekends, I'm unambiguously female. Doesn't present much of a problem emotionally -- I've been doing well. There are some drawbacks: since I don't want to manage two genders in one day, I curtail some activities on weeknights. That is, I stay away from places where people are used to seeing me as female.

Driver's license still says female. Think I'll keep it that way since strangers perceive me as female most of the time, even during the work week.

Pronouns: Family and co-workers refer to me as 'he/him', which always sticks in my ear. When people use 'she/her', it sticks in my ear as well but comes thru as more respectful. With people who know the full me, it boils down to this: do they think of me as a body ('he'), or do they think of me as the person I've revealed to them ('she')? No wonder 'she' sounds more respectful.

Back in August, sent out a newsletter to my family to update them on how my gender issues have stabilized. Main thrust of it was I'm a eunuch, neither male nor female. There is a genuine difference, just as there is between bulls and steers. The feminine personality which accompanied castration [in my case] was a natural, though unexpected, side effect. I like the new me, so I choose not to deny it or hide it.

The bipolar way our culture views gender can wreak havoc on people like myself who don't fit the bipolar scheme. It is a false dichotomy especially after castration. Once testosterone is gone, the personality changes, to a greater or lesser degree. Me? I consider myself in the middle.

How can I say I'm in the middle genderwise? On what basis can such a remark be made? As I've experimented with gender presentation, I've been able to see personal boundaries on BOTH sides of the gender spectrum. As male gender cues have been eliminated, a ratcheting effect has helped keep those changes in place (i.e., a moving boundary on the male side). But I've backed off from some things on the female side as being TOO femmie for me (i.e., a boundary on the female side). This is the sort of thing one discovers only by experience. Prior to this experimentation, I accepted the bipolar gender model of our culture -- which can make gender issues all the more difficult to deal with. (That is: "If you aren't male, you've got to be female." That's a huge leap to make.)

Wish there were a place in our culture for eunuchs (meaning ones who no longer fit the male mold). As it is, I have to disambiguate my gender for the sake of others, deliberately adjusting gender presentation to suit the occasion. In that respect, I am a PMG (Person of Managed Gender).

Hormones: Taking 4mg/day of estrogen, for mental/emotional benefits. (8mg/day is a full transition dosage for me.) With less than 4mg, I become a bit unstable emotionally and don't sleep as well. With more than 4mg, I sleep even better.

Plans for surgery? No, I'm content at this point, where contentment can be defined as "I have other things I'd rather do with the money."

bryan (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 09, 2009 9:33 pm Thanks for your interest,

Terri

Terri,

As always, I am so glad to hear from you!

It seems that you are in a great place with identifying somewhere in between genders. Most people don't think about gender identity of course and instead just take their own for granted. But for others out there gender expression is such an important part of personal happiness.

Keep us posted more often if at all possible I always look forward to reading your updates.

*Hugs*