My heart goes out to you. Based on our prior private emails as well as postings here on EA, I know that you were really wanting this to work out for the both of you. But, alas, sometimes things don't go the way we want. However, there is a grander plan for you, and how you deal with adversity while on your journey will determine how much you grow from this experience.

In reference to my immediate prior posting, the journey is

BudleyBare (imported) wrote: Thu Dec 14, 2006 8:12 pm more rewarding than any destination,

and apparently this time, the train did not stop, but went onto a different track. Tugon, simply take each day as it comes and with a smile on your face and a good wish in your heart.

With love,

BB

BudleyBare (imported) wrote: Tue Dec 26, 2006 5:51 am My heart goes out to you. Based on our prior private emails as well as postings here on EA, I know that you were really wanting this to work out for the both of you. But, alas, sometimes things don't go the way we want. However, there is a grander plan for you, and how you deal with adversity while on your journey will determine how much you grow from this experience.

In reference to my immediate prior posting, the journey is

BudleyBare (imported) wrote: Tue Dec 26, 2006 5:51 am 1166087520]
more rewarding than any destination,

and apparently this time, the train did not stop, but went onto a different track. Tugon, simply take each day as it comes and with a smile o
[/quote]
n your face and a good wish in your heart.

With love,

BB

BudleyBare thanks again for your input. Today I reached a level of acceptance and now will look forward to an even better adventure. The smile is back on my face and I can once again see the path ahead. I hope one day the path leads to our meeting.

The double edged sword of being a eunuch. I think the end of my relationship was tougher due to the heightened emotional range. I felt the love much deeper and enjoyed the affection very much more. Of course when it was over the lows were greater. The emotional pain was such that I found that I have shut down emotionally. No great pain now but I am detached from feelings.

The benefit is I did not do what I would have done if intact. In the past if a relationship ended I would fill the void with lots of sex. Multiple partners and much risk to feed the addiction that seemed to be worst when rejected. You did not want me so I found many who did. I am glad I did not repeat those behaviors and did not have that drive.

In life I can not control others or want to try. I can not control what happens. I am glad to say I am in control of my actions. Now if I can find my emotions.

Your emotions are there . They will resurface. --FLO--

While experiencing sleeplessness last night I remembered another reason I wanted to become a eunuch. These feelings come from a time before I became aware of my childhood abuse. At a time before rape when I had hopes life could be good. I thought about castration to relieve the stress I felt trying to maintain an erection during sex. I did not know why I was such a failure but if I were castrated there would be no expectations of me.

When alone or just pleasing someone I had no trouble having an erection until they wanted to do something with it. I never understood the fear I would feel when someone would try to please me. That anxiety would cause a quick retreat. I wanted to stay erect and be able to enjoy myself but could not. Once I got home I was fine but not with someone else. I also suffered from embarrassment when I failed time and again. I began to have anxiety before I was even with the man if I had a date that night.

I thought once they saw what was missing they would not even try anything with me. My stress and anxiety would be reduced. Since I did not understand the emotional reasons for my failures I sought a physical cause. Later in life I even thought about a penectomy to further ensure nothing could be done.

Of course there are some men who think that my not being able to achieve and maintain an erection during mutual sex reflects poorly on them. I thought that as a eunuch they would not have to feel that way. Now this was just one of the reasons I wanted to become a eunuch and not even one of the more important reasons. Which maybe is why I am just now remembering those thoughts.

I am back. I am now able to be happy for the time Brian and I were in contact and together. The hurt has faded and instead of being angry and bitter I decided to enjoy what was. I think this will leave me in a better space for my next relationship. Of course it is also healthier for me. As for him it sounds like he is getting on with his life and doing well and I wish him only the best. There is a lot of good in him and a lot he will have to overcome.

I was always troubled by the fact that he never seemed truly happy. At least not how happy he thought he would be. I just could not reach him to find out what all was going on in his mind. He was always kind and gentle to me but a little distant. I still do not know why he rejected me and may never know.

I also think he put too much pressure on himself. He always talked about all the love he had for me would heal me. It might have but not as quickly as he seemed to think it should have happened. When you start life with an abusive father and a mother you never bonded with it is tough when someone thinks they can fix you instantly. He was also aware of all the abuse as an adult I had suffered. He did help me heal with all the love, love letters, cards, art and many supportive phone calls through the years. I will always have issues and no one person can fix me totally or should ever put that much pressure on himself to try. Just be kind.

I have learned a valuable lesson about myself. I have major abandonment issues. Brian of course triggered those issues and caused me to withdraw from people. What I realized is that while I am feeling rejected it would be very easy to end all my friendships to save me from the pain of anyone else leaving me. In the past weeks I was waiting for friends to say the wrong things as an excuse to cut myself off from them. I was just lying in wait for the simplest offense that I would blow out of proportion and use to abandon them before they could me. Luckily I withdrew before I could do much harm. Harm was done but nothing that can not be repaired. One day when I win the lottery I will be able to afford all the therapy I need.

This was my first relationship as a eunuch. Brian and I dated when I was an intact male and by the time we got back together I was a eunuch. I think he liked the new me when it came to my emotions and loyalty but he missed my old level of sexuality. Again I may never be sure but I am pretty good at reading people. We had some wonderful times in some interesting places. I am in no hurry to enter another relationship but I will be better prepared for the next.

So here I am a little bit wiser and a little bit stronger. I am able to enjoy the love I gave and received. I have this great capacity to love and hope to meet someone who needs to be loved and of course could love me.

Relationships are complex and tricky business. I'm glad you decided not to sever your ties to your friends because REAL friends come to to your aid when you need them. Best wishes to you in the future.

Sailorboy

tugon (imported) wrote: Wed Mar 28, 2007 9:17 am What I realized is that while I am feeling rejected it would be very easy to end all my friendships to save me from the pain of anyone else leaving me. In the past weeks I was waiting for friends to say the wrong things as an excuse to cut myself off from them.

Ack. I have a tendency to do that same thing. I try not to but it just seems to be a bad habit to me.

I'm glad you're very positive about that experience and that you're learning from it.

The worst dream I ever had luckily has never repeated itself. When I awoke from this dream I was in extreme emotional and physical pain. I did not know if I would be able to go to work that morning. I could not imagine how I would call off from work due to a bad dream. Several people have interpreted this dream in interesting ways.

In the beginning of my dream I was the happiest I had ever been. I was given custody of a 2½-year-old boy. I loved him and was so proud of him. In the dream he did not have a name but he reminded me of some one. I wonder if the joy I felt is the joy other parents feel. I loved every minute with him.

This dream took place while I was still working at the hospital and in the dream I had been talking about how wonderful my son is. Several of the staff I was closest with asked to meet him. One evening I took him in to meet several of my friends and was reminded of a meeting that I needed to attend. The nurses offered to watch him while I went to the meeting.

When I returned to pick up my son the nurses were running around. I thought they have really gotten busy. I was able to stop one of them and ask where my son was. She said she would be with me in a few minutes. Eventually they told me he wondered off and they were looking for him. I began to search for him. I walked into a room with a bathtub in it and saw a towel floating on top of the water. I lifted the towel and discovered my son in the tub. He had drowned.

Immediately I woke up and had to smother my cries with my pillow. I felt broken emotionally and my body ached. I could barely make my body move to prepare for the day. I mourned for him for about six weeks before the emotional pain started to subside. If someone mentioned the loss of a child or a story on TV I could understand their pain. I considered anti depressants but felt funny asking for them due to a dream. I had to remind myself that I never had a child and this was not real. Though for some reason the emotional pain and sense of loss was so incredibly real.

If dreams are meant to be helpful I have not discovered the benefits of this one.

Horrible.

Have you ever stopped to consider that the child in the dream was some "aspect" of yourself, destroyed by the negligence of others?