So, I wouldn't say I need castration. It's not like I have a medical condition that requires me to have them removed.

That being said, as part of a therapy project, I wrote out all the things in my life that I experienced growing up that I thought might have contributed to my desire to be castrated. There's a surprisingly high number of them. I often tell people I've wanted this since I was 17. I honestly could do all the way back to the time I was around 4 years old and list things that contributed, but truly learning that humans could be castrated and that I wanted to be one of them was 17. But the issue goes a little deeper than that. I think it was honestly a fetish until I was around 26. Around that time, it grew from something to masturbate to, to a serious and mature interest. I got rid of my elastrator and started to plan out a chemical castration trial, which I did in 2019. It suited me well and, had I not started seeing the love of my life shortly after, I would probably be castrated by now.

It is really quite interesting though to look back through my memories and realize all the things that probably played a role in me wanting to be castrated. I never realized until I wrote them all down that life kinda shaped me for it, but there were also some things that were innate.

For me it was sort of an abstract attraction for many years. Something I liked the idea of, but ultimately too expensive, too much travel, and generally too time-consuming. However, over time it became something that insurance would cover and it could be performed locally on an outpatient basis. Once it got to be less of a hassle to get done, I went for it.

Interesting question. I think it is worth to share experiences.

As I have learned little bit about human psychology and how brain works, it is actually difficult to be honest, as latest opinion will dominate over the past opinions about why.

Well, I had always been interested in castration somehow. First at around 11 when I learned about it is being possible, I was intensely curious. Then, when I learned that it can stop my puberty that was about to start, I considered it as a "cure" of puberty, as I really did not like becoming a MAN, becoming manly and hairy. But as puberty was so inevitable and castration so unobtainable, I did not see it as something realistic, it remained in my fantasies. About the same time, my neighbour threataned to take my balls when I misbehaved. It triggered something in me. Now it is hard to tell, what did it trigger actually, but it did. Later I thought that he abused me verbally, and I blamed him in destroying my sexuality and gender. How stupid of me.

As puberty progressed castration became one of my primary fantasies. Being castrated. Even that it emerged in my wetdreams. But I never felt like I desire to become manly man. I felt heavy when I somebody turned to me "young man". It was not me. I was just me, not a man. Thus I did not like clothes that stressed manlyness. I did not like female clothes either. I felt that all this sex drive was forced on me, all these sexual desires as well. Since the beginning of puberty I clearly tell apart my real thoughts and thoughts that were generated by my sex drive. Then I fell in love with my neighbour boy. It was awful. The desire was such that I could crawl up the smooth wall, I followed him at every possible moment knowing that it is wrong. Wrong to express anything that I felt. I knew that it was my sex drive not real me forcing me to do wrong things and think wrong. That made me hate myself a lot. I allways fantasized about all kind of testicular diseases that could lead to orchiectomy, but I never got one. I started to abouse my testicles already before puberty. As a source of my misery and pleasure. First time I inserted (ordinary sewing) needle into my testicle when I was 14. I tried to avoid such activity as I knew it could lead to unpredictable and very unpleasant consequences. Like questions why I do that. So I learned to hide and suppress my sexuality and gender very well. There was a period in my life that I thought that desire to become eunuch is just a nasty paraphilia.

Later in my twenties I discovered that there are actual eunuchs castrated by their own will, I quickly realized that this is exactly what I need. And not because of fulfilling my parafilic fantasy, but because it will solve my problems. To get rid of my undesired sexual pressures and fantasies, despite orgasms were pleasurable. Orgasmic pleasures held me back at first, it felt like I will loose something important. But it was actually just one aspect of being eunuch. And eunuch mostly even do not need to have orgasms. An eunuch paradox. As personal experiences through irc chat, BME and finally EA came through, I understood that what it really meant to become an eunuch. Negative side effects made me vary about becoming an eunuch. So I kept hesitating. In my thirties somehow I developed irresistible desire to have my own kids. You can imagine what a challenge it could be for someone who is homosexual. Fortunately most of the people are not 100% homosexual or heterosexual, but still, for me it was a big challenge to find a female partner for my future kids. I do feel bad for my partner and mother of my kids, as I was bad in sex. I still feel that I selfishly used her, to fulfill my desires to have kids. But yea, I managed to have kids. I have to say that kids made my life much happier. I felt useful, complete. There was a big empty space in me before kids which was filled. So, for young people who desire to become eunuchs, please preserve some of your semen for future, your own kids might become important motivator/demotivator later in your life. In my forties I started to experiment with chemcastration. Being on and off T. I still feel that some day my balls will be gone. I don't know exactly when, as chemcastraion periods have lowered that overwhelming desire. But during my chemcastration period I really enjoy that lack of sexual thoughts, no hornyness, no morning woods, real me, that is not masked by sex drive. When my sex drive is gone, my gender issues were gone as well. Thus, all that lifelong experience has made me to think that my true gender is "eunuch". I still enjoyed orgasms while chemcastrated, only I did not had this urgency anymore. And as you see, there is no exact age to point at "now I wanted to become an eunuch".

I would say so, if I had the knowledge I have now or if I had a mentor with knowledge that I have now, the earliest age I could have become an eunuch was 15. As I really do regret not becoming an eunuch earlier. Much earlier, so that I could have avoided much masculinization. Now I feel like I am past of right castration age anyway, plus there are negative effects that would not have been a problem at young age, as a very bad sleep when I am chemcastrated.

I'm still struggling with "knowing". As someone said previously it ebbs and flows like the ocean and sometimes it's high tide. I also don't have a great support network.

Umptieth (imported) wrote: Mon Jun 27, 2022 5:12 am The thing that really bugs me is this typical alpha-male behaviour. Hyper inflated ego, mansplaining, cock-fights & exaggerated competitiveness, speaking loudly, outspoken, misogynic or generally obnoxious 'typical' male behaviour (I suppose any combination of this is the major cause of all the misery in the world...).

I try to avoid behaving like a jerk, but unfortunately I am also guilty of this from time to time. Mea culpa.

I associate this with 'normal' or high T and find this cringeworthy. Probably this is my less-male or softer side speaking.

Now, if men could cool it down a bit...

I so identify with what you are saying here.