ELEVEN:
Okay, so today I'm going to get to start this daily entry with something REALLY cool! Last night, I had an orgasm in my sleep that was COMPLETELY dry. At 2:00 this morning, suddenly I had an absolutely mind-blowing orgasm in the middle of a dream, and awoke to the usual feeling of spasms that typically accompany ejaculation, and yet when I looked down at myself, there was absolutely NOTHING there. No sperm, no ejaculatory fluid, nothing whatsoever. And to add to the weirdness, I didn't even have much of an erection at all when it happened. I couldn't believe it. This has indeed happened to me before, twice actually, and somehow it's just a completely different kind of orgasm than the kind that I usually get both while awake and asleep. This kind of orgasm feels completely different. The usual orgasm involves a rock-hard "member," and a gradual building and building of sexual tension through physical contact until the pleasure finally releases in a short burst, ejaculation occurs, and then it's over, and there's the usual relapse period where I can't even think about sex afterward, let alone hope for another orgasm for quite a while. But these three dry orgasms, which I have only ever experienced in my sleep, are COMPLETELY different. The feeling that leads up to them does not necessarily involve an erection, and doesn't necessarily have the same need for physical sensations and physical motion. It's almost like an extremely-intense tickle feeling, like pure sexual pleasure unhindered by physical limitations. And this pleasure isn't a slow bubble that's mostly contained within the genitals, it's like an absolute explosion. When it finally reaches orgasm, it just absolutely erupts across the entirety of the lower body, everywhere from the stomach down to the knees, with the focal point at the genitals. And unlike a normal male orgasm, it's not necessarily over after that. This morning, I didn't have the same feeling of relapse as usual. I instantly was able to get an erection again. And yes, I have indeed had multiple orgasms with this type of dry orgasm before. It happened several years ago, but I'll never forget that unbelievable sensation. Basically what happened is that, right as the first one was calming down, suddenly that ticklish sexual sensation started up again. And if the first one was an eruption, this second one was like an atomic explosion. It was like every particle of the first explosion was now exploding tenfold. I have NEVER felt something that amazing ever since. And also unlike the normal male orgasm, where afterward you feel satisfied and go back to a state of tired contentment, this dry type of orgasm has a completely different after feeling. You don't feel tired and content, you feel ALIVE!!! Awake, unbelievably happy, like your whole body is filled with light, and that feeling just lasts and lasts rather than progressing back to melancholy and stoicism within about an hour. (I really wonder... is this what they call a "female orgasm?" And if so, why the hell is it that I'm able to get them in my sleep? That really shouldn't happen when you think about it.)
So, yeah... that was REALLY cool. And it was just one of the reasons why I was feeling unbelievably happy all morning.
So, anyway, this morning I was really happy for a number of reasons. First there was probably the lingering effects of that AMAZING dry orgasm overnight. But in addition to that, I just felt unbelievably physically feminine this morning. And this was triggered when I looked in the mirror, and was amazed that there has been even more progress in the facial-feminization department. There have been definite changes. I don't know exactly what has changed, but for some reason my cheeks look younger, my smile looks brighter when I smile, and my eyes look brighter and more open than usual. There's no mistaking it anymore, it really is starting to change. And here is the great part... for the first time in YEARS, I'm actually starting to like the way that I look. The more feminized my face is looking, the more and more it's making me happy inside, and the more it's making me actually enjoy the way that my face looks. (Wow... that's just such an amazing thing... for the first time since the age of TWELVE, I'm actually starting to LIKE the way my face looks again!!! YAY!!!) And there has also been some now-undeniable progression in the nipple area. Yesterday and the day before, there were the hints of conical shapes showing up around the middle of my nipples, while today it was REALLY starting to look conical. In fact, the bulges have gotten big enough now that I could still see the little points through my shirt after I got dressed.
This is the first day where I have officially been able to look at myself in the mirror and say for sure "There's not even a remote possibility that I'm imagining things anymore. The feminization really has started full-gear now." And the amazing thing is, these changes are already bringing me an AMAZING sense of happiness, even though they're still in their infancy. All day, I couldn't stop looking at my face, and feeling absolutely amazing inside as I realized that I was actually enjoying it. And all day, I couldn't stop looking at my little increasingly-perky nipples, and again just felt so good on the inside. (And there was no sexual motive whatsoever involved in this... I didn't have ONE erection all day. The closest I got was the half-erection I had after the 2-a.m. dry orgasm.) This is a kind of pleasure that is all in the head... it's all about the sheer excitement of actually liking what I see as it changes, and feeling like every single one of the changes is so "right," and actually starting to feel comfortable with the way my own body looks for the first time in EVER!
You know what's a good metaphor for this? It's just like when I finally bought panties for the first time. For all of my life, men's underwear had felt uncomfortable to me. For some reason other guys feel more comfortable having more space "down there," but I could never get over the feeling of everything flopping around. So my options for years were either to put up with constant penile discomfort because the material was too loose all over, or put up with tight elastic waist-bands digging into my hips all day because I had to wear underwear that were 2 sizes smaller than my waist size in order for the rest of it to feel comfortable. That is like what my life was like as a guy. I was constantly uncomfortable, constantly hating the way my body looks, constantly unable to express myself, but I put up with it because I was too cowardly to try what I believed would make me more comfortable. And then, about a year and a half ago, after wanting to for my entire life, I tried on a pair of panties. And it was like lightning had struck. For the first time EVER, I actually felt comfortable in my own underwear. And for months after that, I was just constantly looking at myself wearing them, loving the way that I looked in them and the way that I felt in them. It's like the same thing now with the actual physical feminization changes... for the first time EVER, I actually am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin, after a whole lifetime of putting up with the constant discomfort. And there is one more side to this metaphor. Because I eventually did lose my interest in constantly looking at myself wearing the panties. They ceased being so new and exciting, and just became a part of my daily existence. So they don't really excite me anymore. But they are still WAY more comfortable than my men's underwear ever were, and there's no way in hell I'm ever going back. The physical feminization is much the same. Right now, it's new and exciting. But it's not the newness and the excitement that make me want to continue... it's the comfort. And that comfort will never go away, even long after the excitement has ceased and I've gotten used to the physical changes. I recognize this feeling, because I've felt it before, in regards to a much smaller little personal feminization decision that I made about a year and a half ago.
So, yeah, this morning, after I realized just how much I loved the way that I was starting to look, and recognized that feeling of comfort, I'd never felt more happy or more certain that I wanted to continue with the feminization. And this made me SO happy that it was almost unfathomable. This was one of the happiest mornings of my entire life in terms of just how good I felt inside. (Side note: I officially ordered the "Finding Your Female Voice" DVD series this morning, as well as a couple of wigs from Amphigory after playing around with my self-picture in Photoshop for a good 2 hours straight trying to find a hair style that would look pretty on me. And I also spent a significant portion of the morning being a total nerd, and looking at lots of different female cosplay potentials, feeling so amazing inside as I thought... "my God... I'm actually going to be able to wear these!!! YAY!!!") I was just filled with so much giddy excitement, and so much girlish glee this morning, that I couldn't contain myself. It was a whole morning of striking poses in front of the mirror, randomly jumping and skipping around as I cooked breakfast, and just feeling so happy inside. From where I'm standing now, the future has NEVER looked so bright.
And then unfortunately work came, and totally wrecked my mood. With my decreased muscle endurance recently, work has become a daily exercise in discomfort. I almost always start the day feeling great, but then within about 3 hours of constant arm motions from pitching cards and raking in chips, I feel physically SPENT, and just want to go back home. Today was no exception. I was crying out for mercy by the time the day was finally over because I felt so freaking tired. So while my home life has never been better, and never been happier, my work life has become a serious chore this week. Kind of a bummer. But whatever. Let's not talk about that. I'm sure I'll adjust to the decreased muscle mass soon enough. It's going to be one hell of a tough next few months in that regard, but it's worth it if it really does mean FINALLY liking the me that I see in the mirror.
-With love, and a wish of GOOD NIGHT! (I'm going to bed... man, I'm tired... just got back from work an hour ago.)
