Well, where do I start?

I am living so many lies, and taking so many risks, that some shit is bound to hit the fan at some stage. But I'll deal with that when it happens. I don't want to get caught, but then again I do. To some extent I just don't care much.

Life has simply become about how much sex I can get; basically how much of it I can get

loveableleopardy (imported) wrote: Tue Jun 07, 2011 2:43 am without directly paying for it.

And at this point in time I ain't doing all that well I suppose. I mean I've only ever had sex with 3

loveableleopardy (imported) wrote: Tue Jun 07, 2011 2:43 am women without directly paying for it.

But in the contrary I am now actually viewing myself as an alpha male.

For the very first time.

I have about half an hour here to ramble. It can be quite time consuming trying my best to woo so many women, plus I'm even forgoing fun on the cycling website forum just now (LOL). Also, my habits with masturbation have not improved in the slightest, despite the fact that I'm now having fairly regular sex. I seem to be viewing porn more than ever now, so in this respect I am not feeling any better about myself at present then at times in the past.

But in saying that I feel a LOT more confident now in regards to my attractiveness (yes, I am a VERY cute and handsome boy; in short, I am very lucky).

There are many times lately when I have felt like writing a lot, but I just couldn't be bothered. I haven't lost my appettite for thinking, zoning in, etc, but I can't seem to muster up enough enthusiasum to bother putting stuff to paper/emails/threads/posts/BLOGS. At the moment I only seem bothered to put energies into whatever can potentialy lead me to sex.

So I suppose that me writing this post is yet another contradiction.

I will begin with something non relationship related. My girlfriends aunty is kind of like her mother (they live with each other). Anyway, she always wants me around there to see me. Early on I went there a few times after work, but this has stopped. For me, going there is often very time consuming, a little money consuming (petrol), tiring (lots of driving), boring (my girlfriends aunty and uncle do not speak english, plus all we do really is eat; and food is never something that I have been too passionate about). Not much upside in me going over!

The aunty's life seems completely consumed by FAMILY and FOOD. There is nothing horribly wrong about that, but it means that she is TOTALLY reliant on others. I think that more people need to endeavour to have things that interest them from an individual perspective. Like for me I can write and read on internet forums, or I can read a lot of my own writing from my past, or on rare occasions I can go for a run, or in July I will watch the Tour De France. People need to listen more to a saying of John Cougar Mellencamp; "Oh yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone." What he is saying is that after a while we are no longer physically attractive, and therefore others naturally lose interest in us. But from that we can learn that we need to rely on our ownselves more for life stimulation. And there are SO many other ways to do this too. You can get a pet, which is perhaps not as great a companionship as a human one, but can still be really good. Anyway, what I am rambling about is that this Aunty doesn't seem to have any individual outlets, and that to me, is a problem.

There is little logic to her wanting to have me around. I don't say anything while I am there (oh yeah, and another thing is that I am not a big fan of Chinese food!), so I don't add to conversation. The aunty on the otherhand often seems to dominate the conversation. She is nice, but she talks a lot. It's not a given, but often big talkers are not big listeners/thinkers. On a couple of occasions I have had to drive her to Springvale on a Saturday and be bored for a couple of hours while she shops. She would go there anyway if I wasn't there, just by train. I think that a lot of family people have a delusional thought process as to thinking that they are having a really positive and influencial impact on winning a boyfriend/girlfriend over. I am sure that she would tell herself that on a hypothetical wedding day of me and her, that it was all her cooking and hospitality that went a long way towards winning me over. But from the REAL relationship perspective it's ALL about what the girls do (or are capable of doing). All a relative can do is probably negate the chances of success a little by imposing on the situation (she hasn't effected it negatively, I'm just saying that it's possible).

The only other person who can probably effect me greatly with my relationships is my doctor, because of the sex drive thing.

If I ever have kids then I'm sure there would come a time that they would have a date, and I would naturally want to know all about it and stuff, but I would bloody well hope that I would have the awareness to recognise that this is THEIR life, and that my MAIN part of my life is well gone, and that I need to focus on my own individual stimulation. Luckily I feel that I will be largely capable of stimulating myself and not being too much of a burden on others.

It is nearly time for me to catch up with my girlfriend again, who by the way, I am being the biggest of bastards too. For the first time in a long time I actually cried last night. I started talking a little about the past and I just broke down. I was happy that I did that. It means that I retain a little humanity within me. It may have been mostly lost, but not completely.

I could have changed the sheets on my bed (removing potential evidence from last night), but I'm glad that I wrote this. She will want to turn as much as a blind eye as possible. Humans will mostly believe what they want to believe after all. Fortunately for me, most of what I have wanted to believe seems to have been true. And for all of my rashness in recent times, I never forget about my past. I'm acutely aware of it, and of the things and people that are of most importance.

It's been a whirlwind period for me; especially the last week. Maybe I will write more soon. Thank you very much to anyone who reads my writing and gets anything at all from it. That means a lot to me.

Happiness = Selfishness

End of thread

Well not exactly...

It is nice to have these boards back up. I have felt like writing stuff on here during different phases of the last week or so, but obviously have had those attempts thwarted by the site being down. So whatever I was going to right then, I will not right now - well at least things will be worded differently I guess.

And now I don't even really know what to say. So much has been going on. I seem to b

loveableleopardy (imported) wrote: Sat Feb 19, 2011 8:07 pm e a completely different person

now, though it is slightly relieving to me to realise that I am still keen and happy enough to write this post. I just have no motivation for meaningful writing now in most forms (I do write currently about the TDF! Actually that highlights how I seem to have returned more to who I was 10 years ago, being RIGHT into sport and not so much into women or myself, at least emotionally....though that last comment is not entirely true), and I can't seem to do anything about that.

Anyway, I have always been a very individual person, which I suppose can also equal selfish. But my selfishness seems to have gone beyond what it ever was. Everything is just me, me, me. But yet I don't seem to be feeling great guilt or hatred of myself either. Go Figure.

When I broke up with my last girlfriend (I guess you could say in Seinfeld terms that I made the switch) I gave many of those closest to me kittens. The thing is, is that I am 30 years old, so on the one hand I should be given some freedom, but on the other hand I am living with my parents so I owe them to let them know what is going on; at least to a certain degree.

So all I was thinking about really (although I was thinking of a great deal many things on a pretty damn harrowing night), was getting the whole break up over with. Once that was done I turned my phone off (not wanting calls from the ex) and went over to my new girlfriends place. I'd left my bed in quite a mess from all the torn up photos of us that she'd left there - we'd left straight after that, me taking her back home. So that night my parents got home, saw the carnage (and as my brother being correctly harsh on me later pointed out), thought about my past, with my penchant for doing runners (quitting jobs) and even admitting to mildly suicidal thoughts and stuff, so they got very scared indeed and called the cops and reported me missing. It wasn't until 11am the next morning that I turned my phone on. The contradiction was that while my parents were calling my brother (and as I later heard this dragged him away from some hot girl that he was in the process of potentially pulling) and my friends (who were all trying to enjoy their Saturday nights), I was in my own area of heaven. That's right: as I told her, a few hours before had been hell, so I'd gone from hell to heaven just like that. And unlike all the lying that I've been doing to other girls lately, this girl is most definitely different. I really do think that she is the most beautiful girl in the world, and that I am indeed a very lucky puppy. Yet I still just want to cheat (sexually) almost all the time. Yep, go figure.

I will try to bring myself and you guys up to speed with what has been going on. A few months ago I just suddenly snapped or something - not in at all an angry way; but I just suddenly felt totally free, and suddenly there were pretty much no rules. To some extent I have since played the game with everyone, except for the girl who actually asked me to play it. Go figure.

After only knowing my latest girlfriend for a week, I woke up and started zoning out/in about her, rolling around ideas for a poem. This has always been the best type of indication that a girl means a lot to me. The only annoying thing is that these natural thoughts haven't really transpired into motivation to actually right much down. At present I have a whole lot of lines that generally do not flow or anything, and I can't be bothered to do anything with them, though I do very much hope to get a proper poem done in the next week or two. In the past I could just do it - geez, a poem that I am comparing it to I spun out in about two hours; and that is one of my best ever works. Perhaps I am just too happy in my relationship right now to write anything productive about it. Maybe all the best writing comes from more challenging times and/or from those you can't have?

Something about that zoning in day that did matter too, was that if I could have had the pick of any girl in the world to see that day, it would be her, and I quite surprised myself, not just because of the past, but because I thought that I might have lost the capacity to feel like that again.

If my life was a porno then the recent period would be called Greg Does Asia! A few months ago I saw my first hooker, and it's been a relatively regular thing to do this ever since. Here's something that bemuses me a little about the whole hooker thing. I am going to yes, have some fun, but also to build up my confidence with sex/women, to try to make women fall for me to get into a relationship or to just get some cheaper sex, and also to massage my own ego. I realise that I am quite good in the sack. I am much larger down there then what I ever assumed, and can get most women off easily enough. I am also handsome, a nice kisser, etc, so women can REALLY like me. But I struggle to see why uglier men would go and pay for sex. Personally I wouldn't see any point in still going if I could tell that women weren't at all into me. I'd just whack off at home (or better still, get my sex drive REMOVED! I wonder if any bloody morons out there would ever think of that!!!), or maybe I'd go once as year as just a present to myself or something. Some women will not even allow kissing to some customers, but sometimes this is just for those they don't find handsome. Like I've said, I am quite an attractive guy, but the key thing really is the emotional availability of the woman. I went to a new one Friday night, and I was so great, and she was so into me, that I was 99% convinced that she would want to be my girlfriend (I was just planning to have her on the side for cheaper sex), but to my surprise she said that she was not interested in having a boyfriend because they would just want to use her for money. So this is like the stereotypical reverse!

To some extent I can see why a hooker wouldn't want a boyfriend. If guys are always paying THAT much for you to put out, then why would they just give it up for free?

My first hooker experience was really good, and I reckon that the girl was right into me, but I wasn't prepared to play the game then, and let it slip, and I've never seen her again. The second girl was smoking hot too, and also likes me, though I haven't been able to get anything for free from her (I've been with her a second time, but she still says she can't see me out of work). See, even though I am attractive and playing the game to its upmost potential, it's still incredibly hard to get it

loveableleopardy (imported) wrote: Tue Jun 07, 2011 2:43 am without directly paying for it.

Only 3 women have given it up to me thus far.

Women are how I used to be: they have their principles.

The 3rd hooker was a drunken city disaster (I couldn't get it up!) and the 4th was my last girlfriend. She is what I would call highly emotionally available; as opposed to some other women I have met in the past who have been undateable lol.

On a side topic, one of the last things that I read from The Girl was that we need to be living to have lots of things to write about, but when we do have lots to write we don't therefore necessarily have the time to do so. This is so true. I have probably rolled 100 epic posts around my head in recent times; oh well, they're all lost forever!

Anyway, I saw my last girlfriend the first day after we met, and I had her hook, line and sinker. I was a bastard throughout the whole thing; not in the sense of not being a generally nice person, for that I will always be, but I just lied all the time emotionally. I've probably said it on here, but relationships are very much related to 2 phrases uttered by Rihanna. "Make me feel, like I'm the only girl in the world," and "I love the way you lie." If I had kept to those 2 rules (plus also had higher self-esteem) then I would have gotten plenty of vag over my time, but like I am sure I have said elsewhere, my life would have been far more emptier if that was the case.

When a girl really is your only girl in the world, then it is just too difficult for them to respect you or themselves (your views for them, not giving them others to rate themselves against and potentially higher then).

It was always my last girlfriend who said she loved me first or whatever. I would just repeat whatever she said. She would like what I said, just because I said it. This differs to my new girlfriend who likes a lot of what I say because of what I've said. There is a marked difference. My new girlfriend is very intelligent. She is not easily offended and gets most of my silly humour. She has bad parts to her (bad can add to ones personality), but also good. She comes across as very confident, but has already made me aware that she is actually quite shy (and yes, she often blushes and looks away from me when I tell her how gorgeous she is). I instantly liked this moment which happened as we walked in the city completely INTO each other. There wasn't going to be any accidental deceit.

My last girlfriend is the most lovely person that I have ever met. She reminds me of myself when I was younger, when I used to be good, but also in hindsight unloveable. She used to come out with a lot of lovely truths too, partly I guess because she was so nice and would never consider to play any games (I think that she only ever played one, which was some attempt at emotional blackmail as we were breaking up, which almost worked). Early on she said as I was driving and being quiet (another great thing about my new girlfriend, she doesn't have to say much, we are comfortable in each others silence), "I think that I love you more than you love me." I of course denied this (unlikely to have kept getting the vag if I'd told truths like that!), but it's one of the most honest things that I've ever heard. It was actually spot on to what I said to my girlfriend last year, that she loved me more than I did her. She partly did this herself though, with her insistence on pushing me away and in her constant games; I had much stronger feelings for her than for my last girlfriend. Yet she was a bitch a lot of the time, while my more recent ex was basically an angel. Yep, go figure.

So I went into my last relationship just lying and getting a lot of 'free' sex. Though it's not like she meant nothing at all to me either. It is hard for me to explain. It was nice enough to be around her most of time, though basically this just means that it is mostly better to have a partner than to be single, so in that way she was a mere convenience. And the less that I cared about her emotionally, the more she seemed to love me.

She wasn't just a friend either, for we went on a trip to Halls Gap and had a pretty lovely time (also had sex 8 times in 3 days, I think that 3 times I didn't cum, which kept me with some energy!). She just could never stimulate me mentally and emotionally. I tried to explain this a number of times during our break up, during which I came out with some of my better conversation ever (I seem to be at my best when things are all over). I was mostly truthful. I even mentioned that I'd done it with a couple of hookers while we were dating (kind of cool of her when you think about it). She said that she understood that men need to do this and that she didn't mind. I did not say that I was now cheating on her with another girl though, though that was/is as much to protect the other girl as myself. The same goes with my recent conversations with my parents.

There seems to be a lot of my experiences with my original sweetheart being repeated with my ex. But a role reversal. She can't hate me and still wants to be friends. It's as if she is lucky if I allow her to still be my friend. She said that if I ever regret what I have done then I should contact her because she will be waiting for me forever. Thankfully she seems to be changing her view on this already. I told her that there are times in our lives when we are 100% convinced that we can never feel that strongly about anyone else, but that incredibly this can and does change. I was telling her that one day she is going to laugh at herself when she thinks about how much she loved me, when she finds a man that really loves her. I told her that it is nobodys fault if another does not love them like they deserve to be loved; that she did everything right with me as my boyfriend to make me love her. It's not her fault that I didn't. A lot of our break up involved me crying and saying, "it's not your fault," which was 100% honest. It was also quite reminiscent of Good Will Hunting.

I cried during a period of that evening like I don't ever recall crying before. It seems to have been the mostI have ever howled in grief while crying, and I was the one doing the breaking up! I thought that maybe a part of me had been lost forever, as I questioned how could I destroy someone like this, someone who I used to be like. But all those tears seemed to release a lot of bad feelings rather than release any good ones, and I have felt much better for THAT cry, during moments which I feel I will always remember.

When she had tried to give her and us more chances numerous times, it was finally hitting her that yes, her love was ditching her. She then said that she was going to quickly leave Australia (abandoning her studies), go to China, then go to Canada to start a new life where nobody knew her. She was then insisting that I sleep with that night (we were on my bed, I had to drive her back there after initially trying to break up with her at her place where she would have her family for support, but she said to go back because she had things to get.....really she just wanted more time to change my mind). She was laying in my bed, I started to tell her to "get up," slowly more sternly each time. She kept saying "no," in a baby tone. After going to cave in, as we hugged and cried together, I thought to myself that maybe she hasn't had "no" said to her enough and been able to deal with adversity. So I actually toughened up for a rare recent time and stood up for myself. I thought that maybe she has parents who can just allow her to go off to Australia and live, and then Canada if she so pleases. I thought it was too overthetop to leave a country and their life just because of me. Later as I drove I realised what a hypocrite I was!

After my final "no" my ex climbed out of bed, opened our photo book and one by one ripped them all down the middle. This was strangely when I stopped crying. Maybe it made me feel less bad? Maybe I thought that I would never throw a mini tantrum like that in front of someone? But then again I have never been hurt like that before, well probably not deliberately and not in any conventional relationship way.

Later I thought of the boy who had quit his job and gone to love overseas because a relationship didn't go his way.

But then later I also thought of that same boy, and how he had never tried any emotional blackmail on anyone; even though hindsight tells him that doing so probably would have allowed him to get his own way. And I realised that that boy was a pretty amazing person in his own fucked up way!

I have one final comment for now (after what has been a very productive and meaningful writing session). I said to my ex that it was not right for one partner to love the other a lot more than the other, and gave an example of her best friends. She shocked me by declaring that the guy in that relationship didn't love the girl as much, and that they had even understood this and carried on. I still don't think it's right. I don't believe that women should always be at their best when they're treated like shit.

I am off to see my new girlfriend. I am about to remind myself that I am a very lucky puppy.

when i first came here i was sure that i did not want my testicles anylonger and joined this for to get plenty of information about castration and even after i joined here it took me a long time to go and see my own doctor about it but i finaly did and after being sent to see a psychiatrist i was put on a course of cyproterone that was the start of my new life and i am truly glad that i did for i am more than happy to be chemicaly castrated but it suits me but that is not to say that this lifestyle is for everyone and no doubt that is why we have to jump hrough hoops of fire to get just what we want

I like the overall perspective that you're taking, about it all being about improving one's life in terms of "happiness".

My suggestion though is that you have to be careful in how you define happiness and how you pursue it. There is a reason that Taoists (some of the most thoughtful people on living a contented life) include yin and yang. Happiness pretty much doesn't exist without unhappiness, and as soon as you reach any peak (or static position in life) there are forces that naturally work against that balance.

Another point is that our bodies are extremely complex, and our common tendency is to oversimply their functioning (even the medical community makes this mistake). Chemical castration drugs were designed for cancer patients, where any and all side effects are considered better than dying. Chemical castration drugs were not designed for suppressing libido specifically, and especially not really meant for otherwise healthy individuals. So the result is going to be imperfect -- you may get bone density problems, can become moody or depressed, can have hot flushes, can gain weight, can lose strength and competitive drive, etc.

So unfortunately chemical castration is going to be a compromise -- you're very likely to lose something good. So the question is whether it is worth it.

I personally have struggled with this, and finally decided that being an over-sexed male is better than the alternatives. My suggestion is to use masturbation as a positive tool to take the edge off the frustration, and then otherwise embrace your maleness and do all the testosterone things which are actually fun (channel your violent urges into heavy exercise, sports like boxing, etc.) Enjoy the feeling of waking up energized, feeling confident, etc.

There are others who will prefer the alternative, but I'm just saying don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Recognize the positives in your lot in life (generally a good idea anyway) and don't focus on the negative (the sexual frustration). For me, turning masturbation from an embarrassing feeling of failure into a positive method of toning down my sexual frustration allowed me to turn the corner and finally realize that castration wasn't for me (almost too late as I have serious permanent damage to my testicles from years of fairly serious attempts at damaging them).

Hope that helps!

I am definitely adept (professional one might even say) at digging ditches.

I am going through a really horrible phase in my life. Not a horrible phase of my life, but of who I am. I seem intent on self-destruction. This could be for a variety of reasons.

I really haven't bothered with writing on the EA lately, since everything that I do needs to (potentially) lead to sex - to some degree. But right now my father has just come into the spare room (where I am on the computer) to watch the television; and I got out of my porn vids just in time. I spend soooooo much time on porn these days it's a fucking disgrace. But I can't seem to do much about it, nor even bother to make any sort of genuine attempt at improving my behaviour and habits.

And anything can be improved - even with stuff we're addicted too.

I almost view it daily nowadays, yet I rarely go all the way and ejaculate fully to it. I am conciose (always had trouble spelling that) to try hard not too, since it's likely I will be able to get real sex at some stage in the not too distant future; and it's best that I save my supplies for that. I am actually quite good at sex, and I do enjoy it, though I realise what it isn't - which is anything to do with love. Still, I certainly don't hate that I'm having sex or anything.

I'm not sure how much of my recent behaviour is down to being a man, or just being me. I could be still trying to get with various women (even though I feel very much in love with my partner) because I realise that I am attractive now and feel confident that I can actually get it (this would be the simply being a man thing), because I feel frustrated that my doctor hasn't given me pills to really help me with reducing/removing my sex drive when I wanted to do so (I'm not sure if right now I want to have it removed, since I am having good sex, though I realise how my sex drive could completely destroy basically everything in my life), because I still dream of being with The Girl and therefore want to destroy everything (the truth is that my best guess is that The Girl wanted to be with me without my sex drive - I was too weak to continue to strive/wait for that).

I'm sure I've had other possible reasons come to mind, but can't think of any just now.

I have continued with my persistence in trying to get with a married woman at work. I will get nowhere with it, feel that it's okay, that I've gotten that off my chest and can resist still trying and start being sensible and preserve what I have in life (and I have a lot of good stuff), and then a couple of days later I just can't help but try again! And for me it's nothing but a sexual thing, though I can see that she is a nice/sensible girl.

So tonight I decided to send a VERY risky email - which was to ask her directly to meet me after work...this obviously failed. When I sent it there was one of the bosses going into her office (as I was leaving), so maybe he could have even seen it - oh my (this all could really destroy me, deservedly so perhaps). But my idiocy goes even further, for there's a chance that she did go to the place. By the time I was about to leave it was quite dark, and a car did have it's lights on...it was black I think, similar colour - but I wasn't even exactly sure what her car was! I didn't have the courage to go to the car and see who it was, so I simply drove off, though I did take notice of the number plate. I had walked out of car before I left to put out some rubbish...so I think that surely she would have seen me then - if it was her. I doubt it, but many strange things happen in my life!

My dad must be wondering why I am typing like this, but I don't think he is looking at it - watching Insight (a conversational group show about important social/political topics).

A big issue with having my sex drive and wanting to fuck so many women, is that society doesn't allow us to simply ask everyone we met, "Do you want to have sex with me?" and give a yes, no or maybe (which would depend on how you play the game I suppose), so that leaves us with all these maybe's that are just highly annoying, and potentially can lead to some life destroying decisions (which mine tonight could be). There's also the fact that the riskier the behaviour (or just bullish) to try to get with a woman, the more that she is potentially turned on and therefore you could get 'some'. The guy actually has to go beyond the boundaries of just casual asking, which means that you can get it or cause some very major and understandable offence. The way that I always used to be kind of, "Would you mind being with me?, I mean, if it's not too much trouble. I really don't want to cause trouble or anything. And I very much doubt that you like me, but if you do, then well, perhaps you would just consider seeing me, pretty please, I'll be nice...."

That was me. An adorable puppy, but ultimately undateable.

I suppose that life is about risk. I have gotten an amazing reward (my current girlfriend) as a result of some ridiculously risky behaviour. If she had frowned upon it then she could have simply made a scene, and I wouldn't have had any girlfriend (though I'm pretty sure I would have picked up another soon enough), but as it turns out she was highly turned on by my bullish desire to be with her, regardless of anything else.

And as she said to me, "I don't care. I got what I wanted."

I feel as if maybe I didn't take that philosophy onboard enough in the past.

My girlfriend does sweep me off my feet. When I am with her I feel as if I couldn't be more in love. Yes, it is a very strong physical relationship, but it ain't just sex. Our best times are probably all the basic physical carressing and kissing (and tickling!) that we do. I love it when I hold her. I seem to be loving virtually everything about her (well, she does smoke!), even though she says very little.

She comes out with highly intelligent things on occasion. Like the other day she said of how she doesn't like to say much, because the more you say the more trouble you get into, or the more offence you naturally cause.

Our relationship has already been full of great stories. I'm already onto my final strike with her parents, thanks to our shenanigans (I have thought about her father cutting my balls off to punish me...which perhaps wouldn't be punishment!), and we just have so many wonderful little things together.

I've even written her a couple of great stories, though I don't really have the same motivation to do this as I used too. But the ideas still come to me, which is one of the best signs for us I feel.

Even though I still want to have sex with other women, I don't want to leave her for anyone (which was the case with my last girlfriend). Right now I want to marry her. That's what I think anyway, even though it may contradict my behaviours (such as even writing this post, which is kind of an evil, since I believe that The Girl reads it, and in my own mind - for whatever reason that I can't understand - I shouldn't be interacting with her...at least I have stayed clear of her blogs for many months...not that I'd EVER want them gone; yet another major contradiction).

There was something that I read a week or two back that had quite an effect on me. I just loved the writing, in all it's different tones. So I say that I don't want to read stuff from her, but in fact what I was doing then was seeking it out. Sometimes I just can't help myself. Perhaps what is posted online is always meant to find someone of some sort of relevance.

There is no doubt in my mind that my past has the potential to change anything in the past and perhaps future of my life. I've just said too much publicly - without bent truths.

My girlfriend is wildly fascinating. She is part Muslim; I say part because it is not too serious, though others will make their own conclusions on that (she is undertaking Ramadan this month). Her parents are not. She decided to take it onboard off her own bat, following on from her grandmother. I don't question her religion (I always encourage others to have their own beliefs), but have vehemently stated that I will never convert to it, or any other religion, and have gone into some of my life past to explain.

She has a major sleeping disorder, and has recently begun to take anti-depressants (I haven't had the courage yet to tell her that I have been on them too - though I have been very lazy with it all this year and often haven't taken them...probably not a good thing...been consistent again the past week and should try to keep this up; they also make it harder to cum which makes me even better at sex!). I was kind of blown away when she said that her problems started when she was about 14 (she is nearly 20 now). She is from a broken family, though in this case I think it is more her overactive mind that is the cause (perhaps another effect of puberty even?). She is a highly intelligent woman.

I suggested that she try sleeping only on every other night, but I didn't say where I'd gotten this idea from.

She doesn't like the bush. Rather, she loves the beach. Last Friday she suggested a night walk on Frankston beach, and it was one of the best moments of my life.

I am sure that there are so many more things that I could write, but right now I will stop. It is August 2nd, 2011. Who knows how important this day will turn out to be for me? Dates and years can often hold great meaning though, so much so that they never really leave your mind. I was reminded of that recently fourtunately. It was pure genius.

Maybe in time I will bother to reply to the nice posts that have been made on this rambling thread of mine.

Maybe in time I will bother to cherish what I have.

But for now I just hope that tomorrow is not a case of fuck me.

Just something else for now (while I am in the mood). The other day I went out with my family to celebrate my mum's birthday, and it was really apparent just how totally obsessed with sex I've become. All I was doing the first half of the evening was just trying to check out all the female waitresses that were on display. Now sure, in the past I've always checked women out, but it hasn't been totally mind consuming. And when I'd masturbate I'd fantasise greatly, but outside of that, life wasn't totally dominated by sex (at least from what I could/can tell). But now at 30, I am completely out of control, and just want it way too badly. It wouldn't matter WHO I was with as far as a girlfriend goes. From what I can tell, I would still just want to fuck multiple women, even though I'd often felt when I was younger that if I ever was LUCKY enough to get with a dream girl then surely that would be enough (to be satisfied/happy). But I only feel that it will/would be now, WITHOUT my sex drive.

I am not sure how many people can (or are willing to) try to understand that stuff.

But thanks dad for coming in and 'disrupting' me. I've done ninety minutes of worthwhile writing

Also while I am in the mood...

How do you write and think like tht?

You really should replace the you with the are. It must be one of your accidental mistakes...obviously.

I've only had nibbles of your recent servings, but I just have to say that you still make me

Big time.

Through my veins indeedy.

I am not sure that sex does any good for me or for humanity...except for the creation of children.

Here's the deal with it; as best as I can tell.

When a couple are enjoying incredible sex, the outcome (this will probably not be with all men though, maybe just weaker ones such as myself) is thus:

The woman longs only to have further sex with the same man. She doesn't think to herself, "Oh, I am really good at this; therefore I can and will get much more sex from other attractive men out there." Physically, the woman longs only to be loved by one man.

But this is not the case with the man.

He will realise that if he can fill the physical needs of one beautiful woman, then indeed he can do so for another, and another, and so on. And the desire to do so is there, though it is only there in one part of him - and a very small part at that.

Women do generally like sex though - even if for very understandable reasons many will refuse to admit it - and perhaps need it to satisfy their ego; again this is very understandable, given that for far too long women were only basically able to value themselves through their physical beauty.

Men have been much luckier.

Is it therefore possible to simply remove the dominance of the penis and create human relationship perfection?

Well, you probably will need two humans who can see past their own ego's. You can't remove the ego, but you can be aware of it, and of its major impact on self.

Physically, it should be possible too, for I myself know that I can pleasure a woman merely with my fingers. And whilst doing so, I certainly don't desire to pleasure others.

The other factor might be the general personality change in the man, after he loses his dominant penis. Does he become less loveable when/if he loses his sense of humour? What about if he loses his writing creativity?

As for writing creativity, I got some last night, immediately after she read my latest piece. The possible evil with this was that the piece wasn't just inspired by her; but then again, I don't really see that as evil, for I am highly loveable now because of all the love from The Girl. Pure and simple.

Relationship potential - if this thing goes for any significant length of time - may be largely based upon whether one feels thankful or threatened.

I have given myself only 5-10 minutes to write this, this morning, which is typical of my sillyness - though also it has something to do with the fact that I am consistently back onto 20mg a day of Lexapro, and it makes me quite tired (I also feel warmer and wake up well before my alarm, which wasn't happening otherwise; this could also just be due to worrying).

But I also want to take Androcur again. Very much so.

It is VERY clear that it is best for me and for the society that encounters me that I remove my sex drive. Perhaps not permanently (I would like to have children), but I would like to live that way for the most part.

Yesterday (as my life pressures continued to build - this has showed that fear can be good as well as bad; it can scare you into being proactive) I booked to see my doctor for September 1, thinking that I didn't have a booking. But they called back to say that I did; for this Friday. Yes!

I am going to do my upmost to get Androcur this time, and if I don't then I will look at a way of travelling to Thailand for a brief period and getting some. It's time for me to go out into the world and to get what I want. It's not for others to be too scared of the truths that I face, because they are scared that it might bring some of their own inner demons into the open.

You live your life. I will live mine.

I have booked my car in for a long overdue service on Saturday and I am getting a haircut too. And I am also getting a puppy.

Though I may be losing my girlfriend.

Her latest facebook post was, "Shoes don't break up wid you."

A female work 'mate' of mine said in my vicinity 2 days ago to a fellow female friend, "He is so dead mate." And I see all the signs, and think that I probably am. I would like to explain more now, but have no time.

Oh, one more thing. Last night I watched an episode of Lewis, and a question proposed was, "What is related between the years 1939 and 2008?" I can't remember what the answer was, but I really liked the question