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Transward

Hey, nice, you copied my PM to Kizahakan. I thought they were private.

Joking of course, and it would have been okay if you read them and find out that the two of us do not have problems with each other. I like to consider him as a friend.

About NUjij.....

It is a forum connected to www.nu.nl one of the famous Dutch news sites

People can bring in articles from different newspapers and sites, and discus about it.

A few years ago, if you opened a thread about anything that had to do with abuse of children, you would find only a big shouting. ........

He should be hanged at a high tree (by his balls). No cut them of with a rusty knife and let him bleed to death. Lock him up and throw the key away....

I think I don't need to repeat them all

If I started a posting with: I am one of them... several times it also was the last posting as my account got closed by the moderators. So I sneaked in, and let them find out for themselves.

Yep, there sure is a change. Last months, I didn't get kicked out anymore by the moderators, the tone of the threads is changing

But there is a far more beautiful side. Sure I've been threaten with death several times, but that was their problem. It would have been okay to me.

But I also found respect, and many times there were private emails and long time private chats. We were talking, and that is a two way ticket.

Yeah, I might have changed that tone in those postings, but I also got a lot of things back to think about. Several times, after hours of chat, I got the stories from victims, stories that can hit you to the bone. They are hard to forget, and who except for the victim would want to forget. A few times people admit that it was the first time ever that they told their story, and that it was a relief.

I have no administration I can check, but if you ask how many hours all together I spend doing this.....You end up with several months

I have learned a lot. I sure know that there are many kinds of victims, and like all people, every-one is a special case. In some threads before, I was fucking up the discussion a bit, and I sure do know a lot of them being victims. In one thread I seemed to have a little fight with Kizahakan, and they showed up.

They do exist, they are alive, a world full of wounded souls

But the most beautiful part for me..... Starting anonymous on the internet, having a big mouth, it brought back social control. The meaning of others.

More and more this also came in to my real life. If I showed my idea's, I got confronted with the view of others.

Did you realize this background Kristoff, I hope you can understand

There is a big difference between fighting something while blocking your feelings on the one side, and being able to handle your problems, open to talk about it and happy if you can help others.

I cannot tell exactly who I am, because that is still changing every day, and most certainly not in a bad direction (Who could go worse)

I guess I will spend a lot more hours doing this. If you feel that your hate has changed in to love, who the hell would want to stop.

By the way, there is a real nice question in that Dutch part. If people want, I will try to translate the whole thread, but that one I guess would be nice to ask here and now:

In the swimming pool, I noticed a young pool guard. I noticed him because I was not the only one who enjoyed the game of a cute and beautiful blond boy (about 10 years) The pool guard couldn't keep his eyes(and hands) of, and his job should be to take care of all, not one. Let me say it in a short way: I could read his feelings. What can I do / should I do?

Go to see him and tell him he should take care, about all and special about himself....It sure would be an insult and I can see the scene I would get.

If I do nothing, in time this young pool guard will become a victim of his own feelings, and I will be guilty for more other victims by doing nothing.

What do you think, should I turn away, leave this young adult to his own problems. In fact, if he is one of them, does he deserve any warnings / help?

That was the question.

In the next weeks I will watch careful and find me a chance for a hint to that guard about any beautiful boy(s) If I tell him about having an implant.....

It could be my big mouth again. Not caring about the consequences

Or it could be the love for others, offering that young guard a chance, and in a way that I take the risks. (Maybe I can end up with a ban for the pool)

I am going to find my way to act...that is my answer.

It would sure not be the first time

But that leaves the other question open: What do you really think,

that I don't care about the consequences, or that I love and care more about other people then about some small problems to myself?

You can find that answer in all my postings.....

loveUall

Jean

Dear Kristoff, and all other members

Many postings ago, I tried to tell that I have changed. It made me sad, as I got the feeling that no-one understood or wanted to understand, no-one believed or wanted to believe.

It had nothing to do with a language problem

I know, people don't just change like that.

So I thought, that you should meet the old one. Maybe then you would be able to notice the change.

I sure hope, you didn't like him, as I don't. But please, always remember:

It was me

It is me who is responsible for the decisions I made in the past, if they were wrong (and a lot of them were) I take that responsibility. I don't run, and that is what I tried to say before: I pay the bill.

Please don't forget him. I cannot kill him, only send him away. And he is sure patient. He will keep waiting for every chance he can get

But just because I was telling that I have changed, I think I owe you. I need to write one more part of my story. I make a promise to you all:

I will do the best I can to make this the most beautiful part of all.

I don't want to hurry, I guess I better take my time, as this one HAS to be good

So please stay patient (you to Kristoff, please please please).

Have me maybe ten years maybe thirty, or if very lucky even fifty years

I will not stop writing, only at the end, I don't know if I get the time for posting it. Maybe another one has to help me with that

loveUall

Jean

With regard to a Dutch member, who had me one of the most beautiful days in my life yesterday: this time he doesn't need to work his way through the English..........................

Dit is speciaal voor jou jochie, je bent een schat..............

Beste Kristoff en alle ander leden,

Vele inzendingen geleden probeerde ik te vertellen dat ik veranderd ben.

Ik werd er verdrietig van dat niemand het begreep of wilde begrijpen, niemand het geloofde of wilde geloven.

Dat had niets met een taalprobleem te maken.

Ik weet het, mensen veranderen niet zomaar.

Ik dacht dat jullie mijn "oude ik" maar eens moesten ontmoeten. Misschien dat het verschil dan duidelijk wordt.

Ik hoop van harte dat jullie hem niet mochten, ik ook niet.

Maar onthoud als je blief voor altijd: Dat was ik

Ik ben verantwoordelijk voor de beslissingen die ik in het verleden maakte, en als ze fout waren (zoals velen ervan) dan draag ik die verantwoordelijkheid.

Ik loop niet weg, dat is wat ik eerder probeerde uit te leggen met: Ik betaal de rekening.

Vergeet hem als je blief niet, ik kan hem niet doden, alleen maar wegsturen. En hij is zeer zeker geduldig. Hij zal blijven wachten op elke kans die hij kan krijgen.

Maar omdat ik vertelde dat ik veranderd ben, ben ik jullie ook iets verschuldigd

denk ik. Ik zal nog één deel van mijn verhaal moeten schrijven. En ik doe een belofte aan jullie allemaal:

Ik zal er alles aan doen wat in mijn macht ligt om dit tot het mooiste deel van alles te maken

Ik wil me niet haasten, ik denk dat ik beter de tijd kan nemen, want dit deel moet goed worden.

Dus heb als je blief geduld met me ( Jij ook Kristoff, ik heb je nodig verdorie snap dat dan)

Gun me tien jaar, misschien twintig of met heel veel geluk vijftig.

Ik zal niet stoppen het verhaal te schrijven, maar of ik aan het einde de tijd krijg om het te posten weet ik niet. Misschien zal iemand me daarbij moeten helpen.

Ik hou van jullie allemaal (en van dat hier bedoelde "jochie" wel heel erg veel)

Jean