I'm really enjoying the results of the electrolysis I've had done (ouch! - at my last 3 hour appointment I felt every hair being treated and it felt like a bee was stinging me for each one). Even when I am dressed in male mode, I'm looking much more feminine. Others are tending to perceive me as more feminine, too, even dressed as a male. I know Danya is coming through.

Like when I stopped, on the way home from work, at the store to pick up my prescription sunglasses. The woman helping me was someone I hadn't seen there before. Either the woman who had helped me choose the frames had made a note on my card (I had told her I was close to transitioning) or this new person was seeing me as more female than male. Either way, what happened there made me very happy.

All of the store employees were women and they were clearly including me in their conversation about a female client who had just left the store before I entered. There had been a former high school classmate who had been practically stalking this poor woman. He even rapped his fist on the store window to get her attention and then came into the store to pester her. Her husband was waiting for her in the car but had his head buried in a newspaper. The woman was looking desperate. One of the workers tried to help by suggesting, within hearing of the stalker, that if her husband needed glasses he should come in the store. The stalker didn't get the hint. When the woman left, she ran to the car and the guy finally took off. It was the way they spoke to me and things they said that let me know I was being looked at as one of the women. Even though I was dressed as a man.

I was even more certain I was being treated as one of the women when the woman helping me got out the glass case to go with the new sunglasses. She said something like "Honey, you'll need to get a new bag for these, the case is so large." Keep in mind that frames at this store are considered unisex. There is no separation of the shop into men's and women's glasses.

This was posted by Joanne-f on another thread of mine, but I want to make my response part of this transition thread. Joanne is referring here to May 19, my first day at work as Danya.

"I hope it all goes well. It will be a big day for you so I hope everything runs smoothly. Do you know what you're hoping for? Will it be good if it's just everyone carrying on as normal at your work, or do you expect/hope that people might ask you questions for their clarification?"

I suspect it will go well after I get over the initial hurdle of walking into work in front of lots of employees who know me. I haven't had any problems going out in public as Danya and even my very first experience was in the crowded mall where I spent over 2 1/2 hours. I had a tremendous sense of freedom and happiness in that first excursion. I still feel this way when I go out dressed.

I'm finding there are other emotional issues coming up as transition day approaches. Like 'this is really it, can I handle it?' From what I read this is a common reaction. There's much more involved than simply appearing at work as Danya. There's the real issue of giving up 'male privilege'. I'm not certain I ever took much advantage of this but I'm fairly certain I'll notice it's absence.

In addition, and I've been working on this one for a while already, there's gradually giving up my male identity. Even though it's an identity I don't want, I spent years perfecting it to fit in. It's been an uncomfortable and very confining identity emotionally, and ultimately not at all fulfilling, but I'm used to it. The new happiness I've found helps me deal with releasing this male identity. OTOH, I by no means want to entirely let go of my past and the good parts.

I just read online somewhere that no matter how well prepared you are, it's not easy crossing the gender divide. As transition day approaches, I have some anxiety about this very major life change. In a way, I feel like I'm approaching a cliff and at some point I won't be able to turn back. It will be either sink or swim (maybe that should be fall to earth or fly ) - I will swim but it's still a bit scary. I'm confident that I can keep my anxiety from getting the better of me through support from people here on the Archive, from local friends and from my gender therapist.

All the 30 people I'm 'out' to at work have been very supportive, as has management up to the highest levels of the corporation. I'm hoping that on my first day at work as Maren, people will feel comfortable saying hello and smiling at me. I don't think I'll have any problem greeting other employees with a friendly smile. I've read in a few places that co-workers may have a bouquet waiting on the transitioning employee's desk. That would make be really happy. I'd probably start to cry but I'll need to manage that reaction at work. A few tears are fine, but outright sobbing probably isn't good for my professional reputation.

The thing is, management is doing a whole lot to prepare folks for my transition. This Friday, I'll meet with upper management to start planning for this day. It sounds like we'll bring in an outside expert for a meeting with interested/concerned employees. We'll have books and informational pamphlets available in Human Resources that employees can borrow. There's talk of a FAQ section on transgenderism and transsexualism on the company intranet.

A week before the big day, I expect upper management will send an email to everyone in the corporation announcing what will happen, that they fully back me, that I'm a valuable employee, that co-workers can continue to expect quality results from me, that I should be treated with respect, what my name will be and pronouns to use (and that I won't get at all upset if someone messes up here).

I've spoken to my boss about working from home the week before the big day. This will give employees a break from seeing me and perhaps make my arrival as Danya a little less surprising. On transition day, I will dress in slacks and somewhat androgynously to make this even easier. Truth is, I'd love to go in my first day in a nice dress but that would be too jarring. Besides, I'd probably be one of the best dressed women in the building - seriously. This isn't good on the first day at all. Maybe in 4 - 6 months I can start wearing some dresses.

The Senior VP of my division asked if I'd be comfortable with people asking me questions. I'm totally comfortable with this and would welcome appropriate questions. There will be other employees with questions who will want to talk with a neutral party like someone in HR.

In short (too late for that, I know) , I expect many folks will just continue on as if it's a normal day and that's a good thing. Most people never spend much time thinking about gender at all and relative to what's going on in their own lives, my transitioning is a very minor matter. The purpose of the transition team is to make the whole thing minimally disruptive while offering clear support for what I'm doing. I expect some initial interest that will gradually subside.

I think it's great that your place of work is getting behind your transition. All the best for it.

Male privilege? I'll quite happily give that up

I was crying when I called a friend on the Archive to share this. I hadn't heard anything from my Texas brother and his wife despite a number of emails. They did respond to the last one. My sister-in-law said she'd been waiting to have the time to write a thoughtful response but was still really busy.

Even though I'd suggested they could call me by an androgynous form of my legal name, she addressed me as 'Danya' and said of course they still loved and supported me.

I'd resigned myself to never hearing from them and was OK with that. Having their love and support reaffirmed, with the use of my new name even, is a much better situation. I feel extremely lucky here, considering the experiences of others with family rejection and my rejection by my California brother.

I'm still in tears over this great news, I'm just really moved by it. And I couldn't wait to share this here.

-Danya

Congrats It's good to know some of your family are behind you. This must feel really good after your brother in California's response.

I'm going to find a therapist and physician outside my current gender clinics. I made this decision largely because of monetary issues. My insurance carrier pays little of the costs of the university program as it is considered out-of-network. This leaves me with a hefty monthly bill for my therapist. Then there's the committee that meets monthly to discuss my case. I'm also charged for that, of course. In addition, there's no clear plan for what will be required in the future as far as additional consultations with a university psychiatrist, further psychological testing, etc. I was surprised last month when told I'd need to take two additional psychological tests, one of which should have been given to me when I started the program in early November of last year.

I've had some frustrations with the program at the U, but it was a still a tough decision to leave. I really like my gender therapist and I'm extremely comfortable with her. I also feel like I'm leaving the safety of an internationally known program for the unknowns of a private therapist and physician. I already have those professionals lined up and I'll first see my new therapist the first Wednesday of May.

The thought of changing therapists is bothering me more than I thought it would. It's like I need a firm anchor when I'm 2 1/2 weeks from transitioning at work and instead I feel like I'm adrift at sea. Anyway, which therapist I'm seeing might not make a difference. I'm basically feeling pretty alone right now with no one to talk with who has been through this. I feel like I'm about to go off on my own into a strange new wilderness with no paths, no directions and no companion to comfort me along the way. Just looming trees overhead and darkness below. Seems like everyone else going through this has just sailed right on through with no effort at all. I know that's not true, but that's what I'm feeling.

At the local TG support group, next to the leader I'm the most 'out' and vocal person. I've had no problem being entirely open about who I am and where I'm going. The other members don't say much at all. So, this group never seemed to provide any support for me. OTOH, I didn't really feel that I needed any. Things were going great! When I'm being myself I'm fine.

It's been typical for me to feel a lot of anxiety before major life transitions. Things like moving, changing jobs and going back to school have always produced the kinds of feelings I'm experiencing now. I absolutely hate feeling this way! Somehow I thought this time would be different although this transition is perhaps more major than any other I've experienced.

I've read that the anticipation of transitioning is much worse than the actual start of transition. I've never done well sitting around waiting for things to happen. The wait is really getting to me.

I'm feeling a lot better this morning. Still a bit anxious but not nearly as bad as yesterday. I'm going to exercise before going to work which should help things even more. I haven't been exercising lately. Even though I know it always reduces my stress level and I feel terrific afterwards, I've been finding excuses not to exercise.

I need to be realistic and accept that I will have some anxiety before transition day and that it's OK. That doesn't mean there's nothing I can do about it. Before the big day, I can continue things like exercising and going out and having fun to keep me grounded.

I found that writing things down helps me when life is making big changes. I also think that from a medical view putting together a 3 ring book of stuff concerning your care is good. Be SURE to get medical records from the U and add that. Anyone you see will want to get copies and you will want that so they don't duplicate things. Letters from the therapist stating where you were at when you transfered is of value in any case.

One general suggestion about Doctors Visits. I bring a written list of questions (One for the doc and one for me) and I insist that we spend a little time going over that and I write down what the doctor says. This is GREAT to avoid things like you mentioned. Missing tests etc. What tests do I need? WHEN? What happens next? Be specific, be polite and be happy!

At least one doctor said that my collecting this stuff was a good idea and showed I was educated about what I was doing, what I wanted in terms of health care and so on.

I found that without the written list of questions I ALWAYS came home with lots of unresolved questions... Very unsatisfactory.

Re: Dates. Everything moves sooooo slow.... But remember a watched pot never boils so DO get out and do other stuff. Maybe take up a new hobby or get a Cat, Dog etc. Taking care of a pet can really take your mind off your own problems. Plus my pets reduce my BP so nicely..... prrrrrrrr......

Danya,

What is it going to be like on your first day at work? What arranements has your employer agreed to and what if any restrictions will be placed on you? Will you be accepted as just another one of the women? And what about the restroom - will you be permitted to use the women's room and will the other womwn accept you there?

Who do you expect to give the most trouble and be the least accepting - the women, the men or your employeer - and in what ways?

There will probably be other issues to face also. Are you excited or apprensive about that first day?

Best wishes for success on your big day!