Sorry it's been so long since the last update. Not only was I WAY TOO busy at times, also didn't want to give you the same short-term ups and downs as in previous posts. Thanksgiving Day provides a well-needed break and an opportunity to reflect.
Why so busy? Not only was I taking two classes at night, but had to put in some overtime at work. (Ended up having to drop a class to retain sanity.)
Speaking of work, I'm essentially "full-time" now. Our main clients have been informed about my transition and they have been accepting. Restroom use was the main sticking point, and each has indicated specific restrooms I can use while on site.
The need for going full-time kind of snuck up on me. Found myself getting challenged in the men's room more often. Then it occurred to me: the men on my floor at work had simply gotten used to me, but new men were perceiving me as female. So until I could go full-time, I altered my gender presentation a little more toward the feminine side and started using the ladies' room (without challenge), though I was still "male" in my boss's eye.
One incident around this time in the men's room was particularly amusing. A visitor thought he was in the wrong restroom, so I had to reassure him he was in the right place. After telling him he was in the right place, I thought it odd that he stood a distance away and turned his back as labored at tucking in his shirt. Only later did I realize my faux pas: though I told him he was in the right place, I neglected to tell him I was male! (He must have thought, "What a brazen female -- using the men's room without apology!")
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Would you believe it? I STILL question transition, wondering, "Could I get by as a male?" But I'm probably like the depressive patient who feels so good on medication, they think they can stop taking it.
What about plans for GRS? Currently I'm feeling like further surgery is unnecessary. Although I had connected with a surgeon back in March and had therapist letters in the works, the divorce somehow "cauterized" me emotionally. (It also made me substantially poorer.) At the same time, I have found ways to "feminize" Mr. Penis so I'm not as bothered by him. Let's just say I'm past the danger of "self-mutilation" and am merely in the self-abuse category. Another thing is I've reduced my expectations out of life. So if I won't ever be suitable for a locker room or weekend retreats with either sex, that's okay.
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Found an incredibly-insightful quote by Hilary Swank. As you recall, she starred in the true-but-tragic movie about a murdered FtM entitled, "Boys Don't Cry." To get into character, she spent four weeks living as a male prior to shooting. How'd it go? A pretty authentic taste of trans life, I'd say, for this is what she said afterward:
If you don't fit into a black-or-white definition of boy or girl, you slip between the cracks and it's a lonely place. People don't want to have anything to do with you, and it put me in a state of real hopelessness. I cried a lot for days. -- Hilary Swank
Wow. She really experienced what it's like.
Anyway, think I have a better idea of why depression faced me each time I considered staying male: loneliness. There really is a huge difference psychologically/emotionally between the sexes, and being stuck in the wrong group is devastating. Didn't see this so clearly until after reading the delightful book, "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation," by Deborah Tannen, Ph.D. Although the author is a professor steeped in academia, this book is written for the layperson and makes a wonderful read. Her book is a groundbreaking work akin to John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," but Tannen's work precedes Gray's by two years (1990 vs. 1992). Tannen's book is about more than just conversation -- she points out that boys and girls grow up in essentially different worlds. The male world emphasizes status and independence. The female world values interconnectedness and similarity. Tannen's conclusion from all this as a sociolinguist is that men and women conversing together is a cross-cultural experience.
The point of all this? If you are a female in male skin, you find yourself lumped into the wrong social class. The things you value (relationship and cooperation) are not the things valued by your peers. Instead, they value establishing status at the expense of relationship. (I'm probably not expressing it well. But read Tannen's book and you'll be convinced!
)So when I think about choices about transition and gender presentation, I think about social class or "the available pool for friends." Your outward gender automatically puts you into one of two social groups. Envisioning future life as a male depressed me because I was cut off from the social group I identify with (i.e., females).
There was a session at a TS support group where loneliness was the prime topic. One attendee told how she spent a wonderful, satisfying time at the beach. It consisted simply of conversing with a natal female for an afternoon -- "girl talk" in other words. Such a small thing, you think, but it meant so much to her.
Considering my biggest gripe with transition is that it takes longer to get ready in the morning, I think transition is right for me. Sure, relationships were blown up as well, but it wasn't transition which clobbered the relationships. It was insisting that I was female inside.
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Speaking of relationships: How are things with my parents? I'm a "back-door" child at this point. Although I can show up dressed at my parents' house, we don't go to restaurants together anymore. As for deaths and funerals, I'm not told about a death until after the funeral, lest I show up.
Things could definitely be worse. Although GID is a nasty disorder to have, the "medicine" that transition provides is working as I rebuild my life. I rarely if ever think about suicide these days. The emotional meltdowns I suffered from are history for the most part.
Terri