The company announced its 'no merit raises this year' policy at an all-staff meeting this afternoon. Before the meeting started, a young woman came and sat next to me. She proceeded to tell me how good I look and that she had seen this woman in a nice dress at Macy's a while back who looked terrific. She hadn't realized at first that this woman was me!

This woman was not one of the many people who sent me a congratulatory email when my transition was announced way back on May 9th

Danya (imported) wrote: Sat Jul 05, 2008 5:30 pm . We have known each other for years

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Sep 15, 2008 5:33 pm but this is the first time we've h

ad a chance to talk since my transition day at work. We had a very nice conversation for about 10 minutes.

The continuing support for who I am from people here on the Archive and others remains very important to me. Crossing the gender divide is a huge step in one's life. I am finding out that there are ramifications that I did not anticipate when I started this journey. These are all good and even fun.

Part of this is learning how men and women typically interact. I never, when I was a man (in the way I lead my life, anyway) related to women as men typically do. So I cannot fall back on that period as a reference point. In a real way, then, I am learning everything from the ground up, including the way both men and women view things. At times this can be very confusing, but I am enjoying these new experiencews in discovering who I am and what my comfort level is in relating to others of both genders.

Yesterday, a male coworker was half-jokingly describing to me how upset he was about the company not granting any pay increases this year. I responded that I thought management had made the right decision, although certainly I wasn't overjoyed by the news. He then said he, too, realized management had made the right move. He then added: 'My therapists said it was OK to have two apparently opposing feelings at the same time'. I was more than a little surprised at his reference to therapy. He seems like a really macho guy. At any rate, I then told him I was seeing my own therapist that afternoon.

Somehow, this brief but intimate conversation seems to have built a stronger connection between us. When I transitioned, I thought he would be among those with the most difficulty accepting me. This has not been the case at all.

I have stated before that I would stop posting as frequently or in as much detail. I was never able to follow through on that, though, because I really enjoy writing here.

I have realized in the last week, especially, that I do need to spend less time posting here and more time finding ways to bring in the money I need to finish transitioning through GRS. Technically, I would be eligible for GRS in another eight months. There is no way I will have the money for this by then.

I don't feel my life will be ruined if I don't have GRS but I do really want it. This desire has increased since I started estrogen in early June. My therapist says this reaction is typical.

So I need to really focus on generating additional income. This is even more urgent since my company announced, earlier in the week, that they were freezing salaries because of the financial crisis.

I am going to try very hard to restrict the times I log into the Archive to weekends, at most. I mention this so no one gets concerned if they notice I have not logged in a while.

I will keep making updates on the Archive but if I do not force myself to focus on generating income I will never reach my transition goals. Unfortunately, for me anyway , that means I cannot spend as much time here.

Hi!

Do you have some kind of "extrajob" or so to get those extra money from as you say you must reduce your onlinetime?

I think I have understood it correctly that your organist job is without pay?

Greetings

John

Hi!

John (imported) wrote: Sun Oct 12, 2008 2:16 pm Do you have some kind of "extrajob" or so to get those extra money from as you say you must reduce your onlinetime?

I think I have understood it correctly that your organist job is without pay?

Greetings

John

Hi John,

I do not have an 'extra job' yet, but I need to spend time figuring out the best way to earn more money. Finding a part-time job is time consuming. Part of my problem is I am over-thinking the whole thing. There are really multiple ways I can earn more money. I just need to make up my mind and go after something.

One of those involves selling my photographs, but that business will likely take time to grow. So I cannot rely entirely on that. Other options include computer repair or training, teaching courses and a few other things I have in mind besides.

I no longer play the organ every Sunday at church but I substitute occasionally and I get paid for this. Another option which I am investigating is finding a staff organist position where I would be paid a regular monthly salary and play every Sunday. Until about four years ago, I was the regular, staff organist at a local church and I have had similar positions most of my life. I have to wait for the right job opening for this. I will not play at a church that does not welcome GLBT people and other minorities.

So one or more things will open up for me to bring in more money. I just find it a little stressful to keep considering my options while I actively search for opportunities. That's the over-thinking part.

Hugs,

Danya

My major accomplishment of the day was getting my own domain name and web hosting service. I probably put far too much thought into what name to use and which service to go with. I am very happy, though, that I can start the slow process of building my own site.

At this point, I don't know if I will post a link to my new site on the Archive. That decision will depend, in part, on whether I decide to use my real name on my own site. Human Resources (HR) has encouraged me to create my own site to more fully write about my experiences. I will need to be extremely cautious if I decide to put in writing, on the web, the name of my company or write anything about my experiences and connect it to the company name. Before doing that, I would review my plans with HR. My work experiences have in general been very good since I transitioned and I have written positively about those here.

An advantage of writing on the Archive is the anonymity it provides. If I post a link here to a site with my real name and location, I will no longer enjoy that advantage. I definitely want to continue posting here while maintaining that anonymity.

I have other plans for my web site that I hope will eventually generate some income.

I just wanted to say its valid to want privacy and there is the issue of "guilt" by association. Some of the stuff on our archive I'm totally uninterested in being associated with.

Danya (imported) wrote: Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:45 pm I hadn't intended to post anything

else today. The thing is, I am feeling incredibly happy and fortunate. I was crying a few minutes ago on hearing the 10th variation of Elgar's "Enigma Variations". This one always gets to me.

I just wrote to the GLBT support center at my undergraduate college. They have a drop-in house off campus as they are not officially recognized by my Lutheran school. In my note, I asked if they know of any sensitive person in the registrar's office who might support my case for a change of name on my diploma. This is probably a fool's hope.

This organization has been trying to get official recognition from the college. Although the school has ties to the liberal end of the Lutheran church (ELCA for those who know about these things), they are concerned about setting a precedent if they should officially state a policy of acceptance for transgender persons. After all, so the line goes, other church schools often want to follow their lead. What in heaven's name would the others think if they came out for transgender inclusion? Besides, some of the college administrators tend to be conservative. How would they handle this radical notion? That they even need to debate coming out for transgender inclusion in the year 2008 makes my blood boil, particularly since they claim to be Christians.

I will say that the college has partner benefits for gay employees and their non-discrimination policy includes homosexual persons. The latter, however, is state law anyway.

Wait a minute! It is also a state law that there be non-discrimination against transgender persons. Something has to change at that school.

I have already gotten a response from a GLBTQA representative to questions I asked about name changes at my undergraduate college. The situation overall isn't favorable for this but the students and I do have an ally in the office of alumni affairs

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Jul 28, 2008 11:44 am . This is very good news. I will

contact him and see what can be done.

I was also invited to speak to interested faculty and students. I am very open to doing this. There was also a suggestion of getting my story in the alumni magazine but, with the current college administration, that is not likely. Nonetheless, there are other ways I can help my brothers and sisters in the GLBTQA community at my college alma mater.

Doing these types of things makes my life more meaningful. It's partly because as I child I was always the outsider and, even back then, I felt compelled to stick up for other 'outcasts' when I could.

I am so happy about the chance to speak with faculty and students that I just sent my therapist an email about it! Now she will know I am truly crazy.

Hi my Friend!

Whatever you decide to do, give a speach or not I will pray for your success!

Greetings

John