Desperate to be a Eunuch

[tugon (imported)]

My friend, its time to pack up the dog and your fishing gear and head to the woods, find a tree and leave all else behind. Recharge your batteries it may take a few days but find that place away from your home, a total change is needed. Take a trip do something anything but sit at home.

River

River I would like to find a small van based motor home and travel with cameras and my dog. I do need to get out and capture some fall colors. If I capture anything beautiful this year I will send you a copy.

[tugon (imported)]

My client survived her hospitalization to return home. She was very weak and had little interest in any aspect of life. She was becoming very sweet and kind which I thought must be dementia. We worked hard to encourage her to eat, drink and somehow be merry. Her desire to give up was so obvious but we had hope she could get better. Sometimes you fight for the individual when they are not able to fight for themselves.

One of her night shift caregivers had helped her to the bed side commode to urinate. Helping her back to bed she passed out and the caregiver had to lower her to the floor. When I arrived that morning she was on the floor again. I helped the caregiver lift her back to bed. At first we thought she was having syncopal episodes. She went out on me the two times I helped her up. Looking at the leg and the swelling I thought she had a break. The daughter, a nurse, did not think there was a break. The leg swelled, bruised and leaked drainage that turned from serosanguinous to bloody fluid. I had to watch her in pain for over a week and everything I shared was dismissed. Finally on Thursday morning off to the ER she went and yes she had a fracture.

Looking back I think her leg broke and that is why she passed out. I had been giving her Forteo injections to strengthen her bones but in the affected leg was a knee and hip replacement. The break was where the shaft of the replacement knee went into the femur. She now has external pins from the above the break to below the knee. She has to be kept from any weight bearing and knee flexion for many weeks. This means she will not be going home and someone other than her daughter will be managing her care.

I have no way to put into words the frustration of having to watch someone suffer. The frustration of knowing what is wrong and the daughter not listening. Her other daughters thinking that mother should be able to die at home. Mother should be able to die where ever she is in the least amount of pain.

Family is too close to direct care. Their emotions get in the way. If you have to call the lady in bed mommy you should recuse yourself. Call Hospice or a nursing agency for an independent evaluation. Money was not a concern so having a nurse in to check things out twice a week would not have been a burden. People are not prepared for end of life decisions or planning. WELL HERE WE GO, NO ONE GETS OUT OF THIS LIFE ALIVE SO PLAN.

Monday I volunteer in the office of the local Humane Society. I may travel and burden friends with my disposition. I will certainly drink wine and get back to fall foliage photography. I feel better for her out of her daughters care and I feel a little free myself.

[tugon (imported)]

I am free. I received a text message from the daughter that since mom will need 3-6 months in an extended care facility she will terminate our employment. If her mom is able to return home we will be offered our previous positions. Thanks but no thanks. After 5+ years a friendly phone call might have been nice.

Last Wednesday while having breakfast at Bob Evan's I was approached by a 93 year old man who remembered me from taking care of his wife while she was in the hospital. He was on a waiting list for a nursing home but said he would rather stay at home. I gave him my phone number but luckily have not heard from him yet. I need a little more of a break or even a different career. Needless to say I am not going out for breakfast today. Old people seem to like their breakfasts and I seem to be a magnet.

I volunteered all last week at the Humane Society helping process applications for pet adoptions. A home was raided that had 45 dogs both inside and outside that were reported to be breeders. We have had many dogs adopted and many people waiting for dogs. The interest in the rescued dogs also helped with adoption of our other dogs. Too bad eventually I will need to work because I would love to be a volunteer.

Corky and I have been taking some very long walks with all my extra time. I had time to tune up my car and winterize it. I have time to contemplate the future and what I really want. I may venture out to the Lucky Bamboo for lunch and then stop in and see how my former client is doing.

[tugon (imported)]

As a victim of rape I frequently have nightmares of being raped. Of all the dreams only half the time are the dreams about my rapist. The rape dreams are all too frequent and quite possible scenarios. Many are not worth a mention in a post and I have learned they are a frequent part of my resting hours. More than in my nightmares I relive the real rapes during the day when I am symptomatic with my PTSD. This nightmare of rape happened in my apartment.

During the day I tend to play my stereo loudly and sit at my computer desk. Corky, my beagle, was asleep on the bed next to me. Next thing I knew was one of the maintenance men let himself in the apartment. All of a sudden I felt him rubbing his erect penis on my right cheek. Between the shock of someone being so close to me and such a sexual act I jumped up screaming. Oddly what I was screaming was I needed more locks on the door. I do not remember yelling at him but I was shouting for more locks. I could not focus on what had been done but I could focus on the fact I was not safe. I sued the complex and won and several locks were added. One of which was a large wooden plank that I would drop down into brackets when I was inside the apartment. Similar to how they would secure the door to the medieval castle. Of course I woke up crying.

Tonight they had an appreciation dinner for the residents. As I was walking my dog I walked past the rental office and the maintenance men were standing outside. The one from my nightmare was present. A few pet Corky while they complained about work. Two women were among the men and I thought they must be girlfriends. The man from the dream all of a sudden said to his girlfriend "I know you are a vegetarian" and then looked me straight in the eyes and asked "how would you like some tube steak". No one responded because they know how inappropriate it would be to say something like that in front of a resident. Corky and I headed home at that point.

Other than my abuser I have never had a dream of sexual assault by someone I knew. I have never had a dream of sexual assault by someone that had such easy access to me. I would love to have one of those chains installed so even if the door was unlocked they could not gain access. Sadly they might send him to install it. Tonight is going to be a long night.

[tugon (imported)]

Oh hell I hate the holidays. As a little kid the males would be watching football and the females gossiping in the kitchen. I would just find a window that I could look out. In my estimation both at home and in restaurants it is the blandest of meals. White meat turkey, white mashed potatoes, white noodles, stuffing/dressing that might have some color, white rolls, corn soufflé white and some yellow, green beans looking almost white because some dumb son of a bitch drowned them in mushroom soup but there was butternut squash soup and white wine. Oh and I forgot to mention everyone knows how to dry out a ham.

Now the years when my nephews were young and my brother's asshole would clench every time I opened my mouth because he thought I was going to say something gay was fun. I am much more appropriate than he is but he would fear what I might discuss. When mother was alive she insisted on preparing the meal by herself. Since I helped put the table together to seat everyone and lift the heavy dishes out of the oven I was able to watch her in her full blown martyrdom. She might let someone bring a dessert but nothing more. The only thing worse was a holiday when someone was going through recovery.

Christmas will be it's usual jolly time and traditionally held at my sister's. Like mother she is also a martyr with a greater sense of drama. People come and they hug and maybe a kiss on the cheek. Luckily part of the family will not be there because several years ago I quoted some humor by Bill Maher. Several days later I received a letter saying I had been disloyal to the family. My cousin was the author of the letter and I had been running errands for his wife with her fractured ankle, visiting his mom in the neuro ICU and staying with his father until the early hours of new years day as he was dying. So yes I was quite disloyal. I should rent myself out to parties when you would like someone offended and do not want to do it.

Any way Happy Holidays to everyone.

[Riverwind (imported)]

I always loved Thanksgiving even as a kid, no expectations. However I always hated x-mas, still do and don't celebrate it for that reason, like you it has always meant disappointment.

River

[Paolo]

I stopped despising Christmas when the Grandmonster turned two and could get into it.

First came the Radio Flyer deluxe wagon, with side board, real rubber air-up tires, and shocks.

Next came the sled, which looks like a real snowmobile and requires an adult to pull back up the hill.

This year, it's a bike. 18", if I can find the right one.

Next year, probably an electric rechargeable mini dirt bike...

His mother hates me.

As for real family, I spend about 2 hours with them and move on. I'm tolerated, and that's about it. I dump copious amounts of candy on their kids and leave...

[tugon (imported)]

I think what bothers me the most about Christmas is the reminder that family has no idea who I am or what I am about. My mother would buy me gifts of clothes you would buy for someone her age, a cardigan with leather panels on the front and white shoes with matching belt. Did she think I was about to retire to Florida or Palm Desert? One year they gave me this football game and as a kid who would sometimes do inventory of my things found it was missing and had been regifted. Of course after we left dad there were no cards with cash or presents at birthdays or the holidays. As mentioned before my one uncle who would buy something for everyone but me. I never knew if it was to be mean or he just had no idea what to get me. Even worse were the gift exchanges at work because the gay guy always got the gag gift. Not that they bought anything big enough to gag me. The last work gift exchange I was in a nurse had her son help her pick out a nice bottle of wine. I had to choke back tears I was so moved.

I spent years imagining being in love and being loved at Christmas. I would imagine the two of us would decorate our home and have surprises for one another. I dreamt that his family would love and accept me. I always thought my family would like him better and what a great holiday it would be. Chances of getting kissed under the Mistletoe are quickly fading.

My new holiday dream is for it to be over quickly and enough wine so I can fake festive. Yes one of the things I have learned is how to fake holiday happy. I really do count my family as my first bullies so it will be so much fun being around the ones who have not died yet. Merry Christmas Everyone.

[Riverwind (imported)]

You dislike Christmas for one reason I hate it for another. My birthday is Christmas eve, I had one birthday party as a kid, it was the 1st of Dec. NOT my birthday. I would get birthday presents wrapped in Christmas paper, because the cheep bastards ............... I would get a present for your Christmas/birthday, again in Christmas paper see above.

Sometimes they even forgot my birthday all together because they were so interested in Christmas. Is it any wonder I have not talked to my brother in 18 years. My other brother always remembered my birthday and I his, but he died 27 years ago.

Today its just my son and I, neither of us like Christmas or our birthdays, his is Jan 7th. Same story as mine.

Several years ago my therapist told me I had to make the holidays my own, so I did.

We celebrate the Yule, on the 21st like all good pagans, we have a feast, then move on, the 25th of Dec is just another day nothing special, nothing at all.

It was either that of become Jewish, which I still have not ruled out.

River

[Dave (imported)]

My father's birthday was the 23rd and my nephew's birthday (his first grandson) is the 20th. When my father was alive it was like having two six year olds together peeking at both birthday and Christmas gifts. For a grown man, my father really wanted regular birthday parties.