I am feeling much better today. When my mood sours for more than a few hours I can start to panic. This is because most of my life I was clinically depressed and it terrifies me to think I will slip back into that state. I have been fortunate in that I have not been down for more than 2 -3 days at a time since I started the EMSAM patch antidepressant about 19 months ago. It was then, when I was freed of depression

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Jul 07, 2008 6:03 pm for the first time in my life,

that I started to live.

These days, I really don't know how I struggled through life for so many years with major depression. Not only did I struggle, but I somehow accomplished a lot along the way.

Eventually I will learn that a day or two of feeling down is nothing to fear. I can and do work my way back to feeling life is good.

There were several contributing factors to my down emotional state. The major factor was over work. My boss has stated a number of times that he has been worried about my continuing to hold up under the strain. Yesterday, I felt I had reached my limit. No matter what was going on at the office, I had to take today off and do no work through the weekend.

Today, then, I have been relaxing and it feels really good. I want to skate before the weekend is over but today the humidity was high, at least this morning. That isn't good for my lungs. Tomorrow looks like it will be terrific weather for skating.

There was something else that contributed to my low emotional state. There is no truly emotionally intimate person in my life. I am talking about someone who knows me well from nearly day-to-day contact and sharing of two selves. What this means is I frequently must rely entirely on my own emotional and mental resources to keep me going through rough times. I almost always do this well except if my stamina is depleted. Just as it has been by having way too much to do at work.

Stating that I must often count entirely on myself to get through rough times does not diminish the importance of the great support of folks on the Archive. That has been a gift to me and has frequently helped me along my way. It is simply that if I am having a rough time at work, for instance, there is no one who knows me intimately that I can call for immediate feedback and support. This is not quite accurate, because there are some folks (some from the Archive) that I can call if I need that. These people have been there for me at a number of difficult times.

I truly know this evening that I am back to my normal state of emotional equilibrium. My good friend 'J' and I had dinner out together, in part to celebrate her 59th birthday. She gave me a lot of good feedback on family issues. It was also good just to get together and talk. We had planned to go out to a local gay bar after dinner but we were both starting to feel tired.

When I got home, I played the piano for a while and now I am feeling energized. I may yet go back downtown to the bar tonight! A week or two ago, I saw a trans woman there but had no chance to speak with her as I was with a coworker. We did nothing more than smile at each other. It would be nice to say hello. Who knows, she might become another friend.

Today's weather was perfect for skating with sunny skies and a high temperature in the low 60s. So I headed out to one of the area lakes that has a paved biking/skating trail. The path is, for the most part, shaded by beautiful trees. Their were autumn wild flowers blooming, too.

This is the first time I have gone inline skating since my osteoporosis diagnosis last December. I have been on medication since then to help rebuild bone mass. My doctor gave his okay to skate, although he warned it would be best to avoid falling.

For the first 1/2 mile, I gave serious thought to stepping out of my skates and walking back to the car. It's really been about a year since I last skated, last October. My aging muscles were not used to what I was forcing them to do today.

After I got warmed up though, things went well and I skated a total of 6 miles. For a few stretches, I was even able to build up to the fast speed I really enjoy. I took one 5-minute break to drink something I think was called 'Powerade'. Not bad at all for someone who is 56 years old. If it were not at that point getting near sunset, I might have gone another 3 miles.

I will admit that I fell once, early on. I wasn't paying attention to something that I always need to watch carefully when inline skating. That is, my center of gravity. I was looking at wild flowers instead. At any rate, two charming young men immediately came over and asked if I was OK. One insisted on helping me up despite my telling him I could get up on my own. He really was very sweet! And cute, too. Of course, I gave him a nice smile.

At any rate, no damage was done by my fall. Once I was up, I continued skating. I suspect I will have sore muscles tomorrow but that is entirely OK by me. I really needed to get outside and exercise. Skating brought back pleasant memories of summers past when I would skate nearly every day after work, usually making a distance of 20 - 25 miles.

My mood was deteriorating again this morning and early afternoon. One thing really bugging me that I have not mentioned earlier is the economy. I am very concerned that I will get 'stuck' mid-transition if the economy does not start to improve. I'll discuss my concerns with my gender therapist on Thursday and I feel certain I will get my head straight about this.

I have been giving some thought to selling my townhouse. This probably isn't a good time for that at all. If I down-sized to a fairly small apartment, I could save more money for transition-related expenses. As I proceed with transitioning and feel more feminine, I am feeling it is more important that I complete additional electrolysis and go for GRS.

Even with the economy a mess, though, the truth is I would stop worrying about it if I could take action (which I KNOW is the answer for me). Then I would feel better. Action here means brining in more money. I can do that but have been frustrated in my attempts by long hours at the office. Lately, there has been little time for anything but my regular job, eating and sleeping. And some posting on the Archive, of course!

I have complained lately about being stressed by my job and my hours are typically quite excessive. The reality is, though, this situation of being over worked has been going on for months. It has simply gotten worse in the last month or two. Of course, I realize I am fortunate to have a good job.

Skating got me back in fine spirits. This Saturday evening I feel completely calm and right with the world. I'm going to soak in the Jacuzzi and may watch a movie before going to bed.

Today has been very good, despite my being very busy with home chores and getting office work done remotely. I spoke with three good friends. My spirits were already high before those calls and now, although I did not think it possible, I am feeling even better. These people and o

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Sep 30, 2008 4:34 pm thers here on the Archive and elsewhere

really fill the role of 'chosen' family for me. That I have such great friends who accept me just as I am is a real blessing.

Tomorrow morning, I will have blood work to determine estrogen and testosterone levels, among other things. I won't see the doctor about the results until the following Monday. At that time, I fully expect my estrogen dose will be doubled. I am using the Vivelle-dot patch, which adheres remarkably well. I will also discuss with the doctor the possibility of using injections in place of the patch.

I have had quite noticeable breast development in the four months I have been on the estrogen patch. My nipples are still quite sensitive, too, so I know I am getting results on the patch.

I have noticed a greater urge to cry at inappropriate times. Like when I am sitting at my desk at work. I'm not at all upset when I feel the tears start to form. Mostly, it's just that I am happy. Fortunately, I have managed to suppress the crying urge at the office. This has worked so far, anyway!

Yesterday, I received the

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Sep 30, 2008 1:09 pm American Automobile Association

member card with my new legal name. This was nice, because I have received few snail mail items in my new name. Of course, that will change as I get more things changed over to my new, legal identity. The process of getting all that accomplished is looking more complex the more I get into it. Fortunately, I don't have to get it all done at once.

Earlier in the day, I was all set to get started on my new web site. I chose the company to host the site and had nearly completed the sign up process. Then they wanted a credit card to apply the charges. Of course, none of my credit cards have my new name yet. Besides, I really don't want to use credit if I can avoid it. I should get my new bank debit card in a few days then I'll be all set.

Sometime this week, I will have my annual performance review with my boss. This isn't one of my favorite activities although I generally come out very well. I am sure I will get a merit increase. I'll find out how much in my next paycheck.

Danya,

Glad to hear of your successes. You are beautigul.

Danya,

Mac (imported) wrote: Mon Oct 06, 2008 9:42 pm Glad to hear of your successes. You are beautigul.

Hi Mac,

It is really good to hear from you. I very much appreciate your kind words.

Hugs,

Danya

A number of very good things are happening in my career. At a minimum, my possibilities for growth and satisfaction are expanding.

There is a new appreciation at work for the benefit of encouraging employees at all levels to maximize their potential. Even the director of my department has made it known that she will encourage and support those employees who want to work in another department entirely. Of course, one needs the skills required for such a change but the company will help with training prior to a move. There are also other avenues opening to allow employees to better use their talents while remaining in their current positions.

The goal of all this is increased retention of valuable workers and increased job performance resulting from happier employees. I spent 45 minutes in Human Resources today examining my options. Things are pretty wide open and we came up with concrete actions to get the ball rolling. I don't have the time to go into specifics but I will say the plans involve better utilizing my teaching, writing and technical skills. I may even go back to school for another degree. Yikes!

An Archive friend wisely responded to a more detailed description of my plans with "Are there enough hours in the day???". This is indeed a good question and I need to be careful not to over commit. There are other things I am doing in my life, too, that are time-consuming. Like starting my own web site and photography. It is very good to know that, despite my 'advanced' age of 56, my options in life are many. I am very hopeful about the future and I would rather have a bit too much to do than too little.

I left out the importance of music in my life. I play the piano and organ. Pre-transition, I could spend hours at a time practicing. Post-transition, I have little interest in doing that unless it is to prepare for a performance. Now, I am developing new interests and want to spend more time with people. This does not mean I love music any less. In fact, I seem to be getting ideas for new melodies and harmonizations more easily than ever. Those used to come to me after several hours of being immersed in music through practice. Now I get original ideas without practicing. Someday, I may go back to trying my hand at music composition.

There were good things waiting for me in the mail when I got home. These were:

1. My replacement Social Security

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Oct 06, 2008 6:14 pm card with my new legal name. This

is important because now my company will change their records to my new name. I'll also get new medical insurance cards, which makes me really happy. No longer will I sit in a doctor's office and have someone, ignorant of my transition, call for me by my old male name. No more whispers at the pharmacy from someone who 'knows' about me to someone who doesn't: "That medicine is for 'old male name'".

2. My checks arrived with my new name.

3. My new debit card with my new name was there, too.

great

I am very happy for you

you have come a long way with who you knew and felt you where inside

now you can feel like your a whole person

great

kennath7 (imported) wrote: Tue Oct 07, 2008 4:17 pm I am very happy for you

you have come a long way with who you knew and felt you where inside

now you can feel like your a whole person

Hi Kennath,

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed Jul 09, 2008 8:50 am It's always good to hear from you.

I always appreciate your kind, sensitive remarks.

Hugs,

Danya

Today I had good news and some not so good, but still acceptable, news. This afternoon, I had my annual evaluation and my boss and I spoke for 1 1/2 hours. I was given the highest 'grade' you can get where I work. We spent very little time on the evaluation itself. Instead, I launched a discussion of how I want my career to proceed. My boss was very amenable to my ideas.

The 'bad' news is that the company announced 2 hours before my evaluation that there would be no merit raises this year. Normally, I would have had a pay increase show up in the next pay check. Everyone who qualifies gets a raise on the same date.

I view the lack of a raise more as slightly disappointing news than bad news. Given the state of the economy and tremendous uncertainty about how things will go, I think upper management made a wise decision to eliminate all merit increases for the year. They are being justifiably cautious in their efforts to guarantee the continued success of our operation. There are other steps they are taking to keep us fiscally sound, but none involves laying off any employees.

There's also the really good news that I am fortunate enough to still have a job when many are not so lucky. Then there's the added benefit of working for a company that actively supports my transition.

My boss, and his, thanked me many times today for all the extra hours and effort I have been putting in to make projects successful. I think things are starting to settle down and I can soon get back to a more normal 40 - 45 hour work week. My boss agrees and even apologized for what the company has put me through with the very heavy work load of the last several months.