I have a decision to make and want to do the right thing. I have a female friend whom I have known for about 24 years. We had faded out of each others lives and now I know why. Her husband is now an alcoholic, addicted to scratch off lottery tickets and has been cheating on her. His addictions have ruined them financially and she is living in a house without gas or electricity. He had lied about paying the bills and power was shut and when she called to find out why she was told they were $2,000 in arrears and they would need to pay it plus a $400 deposit. She was not sure what happened with the gas but came home one day to find the gas meter had been removed. She did not know if they found leaks and did not have it fixed or due to unpaid bills.

I originally moved into this two bedroom apartment to help someone settle in a new area. I have more space than I need but I have become used to spreading out all over the place. The apartment has two full baths and two good sized bedrooms. What I am trying to decide is should I offer her one of the bedrooms? I do not want her to try to survive in that house through the winter. I have not even asked if they have running water. I have not suggested this to her yet but I keep wanting to invite her.

I have to keep in mind that I do not need a lot of drama in my life. I have healed from a lot and I have to be protective of myself. I have trouble being around doom and gloom because it brings me down to doom and gloom. I like happy, confident and outgoing people. She is fairly low in self esteem but pleasant most of the time. She has children and grandchildren and I have a hard time imagining coming home and a bunch of people in the apartment. Sadly she does not think she can afford a lawyer for divorce so there is the husband I do not want to have creating problems. Gee I think I am talking myself out of it already.

To help or not to help that is the question. If she was going to move in I would have to add her to the lease. I do not want to move her in and she bounce back to him just to be reminded how bad it is. I do not want him pounding on doors trying to find her. I hope I can think this through without my need to help overpowering my reason.

To be blunt, sounds to me like she's simply a big time head case with WAAAAY too much baggage looking for a sucker with a check book and credit cards.

I should have mentioned that she has asked for nothing from me other than the need to talk. She is receiving help from her daughters for places to crash, shower and do laundry. In case tension builds between them I was going to make my home available for at least a third option for rest, showers and laundry. I have no idea what it would be like to live that way.

I went through the same things with my sister, and the men she always hooks up with.

You don't wanna go there.

You'll end up with nothing but endless drama, and if this guy is anything like the ones I've dealt with, you're putting yourself in danger.

Not to be insulting, but I don't see you as the kind of guy that would shove a gun into someone's mouth and say "give me a good reason!"

Sadly, this is what these things usually turn into. You get involved, you're likely going to get into conflict with this guys if he finds out where she's gone.

These types don't easily let go.

Remember, no good deed goes unpunished.

Sadly I must agree with Paolo every word. No good can come from this and you will get hurt in the process. She has two grown daughters you say, this is a family problem keep it that way. I know that sounds cold but you really don't want to get involved. One of the reasons I live in Wisconsin is because I know my X and one of my kids will never ever come here and they are related, help your friend, go out to coffee, let here vent, but don't take her home.

Hawaii is even further and they can't even drive there.

River

You don't wanna go there.

Paolo wrote: Sun Oct 06, 2013 11:56 am Not to be insulting, but I don't see you as the kind of guy that would shove a gun into someone's mouth and say "give me a good reason!"

You are right I do not have a gun. He is insulin dependent so I would have a box of Twinkies at the ready.

Riverwind (imported) wrote: Sun Oct 06, 2013 4:10 pm Sadly I must agree with Paolo every word. No good can come from this and you will get hurt in the process. She has two grown daughters you say, this is a family problem keep it that way. I know that sounds cold but you really don't want to get involved. One of the reasons I live in Wisconsin is because I know my X and one of my kids will never ever come here and they are related, help your friend, go out to coffee, let here vent, but don't take her home.

Hawaii is even further and they can't even drive there.

River

Yes the more I am reminded of what could go wrong overrides my worries about her having to move around from family to family. I am taking her out to lunch tomorrow and will just listen.

Since last Thursday when my client was admitted to the hospital it has been a bit of a death watch. I am sitting bedside while family does what they need to so they can rush back and wait. We have gone from no hope to the beginnings of a recovery. Right now life seems fleeting. It is not the numbers on the machines but her color, lack of animation and my sense of what will happen.

She has been an interesting person. Her need for attention is so great that she would want me to stop caring for her dying husband to change her slippers to her shoes. Her daughter brought their grand and great granddaughter to visit. While the daughter was helping her mother the baby cried out. Her mom asked who was the priority now.

Being a caregiver is so much easier when you provide care to someone who is kind and appreciative. This position makes me question ever doing this work again. The family praises the care she receives but since I encourage independence she is not always happy. I will not brush your teeth if you are able, I will not feed you if you can eat and tell me what you want without hinting. I will wash you after incontinence, I will cook your meals and wash your clothes and linens. You do the things you can do and I will do the rest.

I am preparing myself for the loss and the next step. She may make it out of the hospital but she is very weakened and will not be around too much longer. I have not worked much since her hospitalization and I have already felt that sense of uselessness that many feel when they have been long term caregivers and are no longer needed. It takes about a month to refocus.

My friend, its time to pack up the dog and your fishing gear and head to the woods, find a tree and leave all else behind. Recharge your batteries it may take a few days but find that place away from your home, a total change is needed. Take a trip do something anything but sit at home.

River

tugon (imported) wrote: Sun Oct 06, 2013 11:42 am I should have mentioned that she has asked for nothing from me other than the need to talk. She is receiving help from her daughters for places to crash, shower and do laundry. In case tension builds between them I was going to make my home available for at least a third option for rest, showers and laundry. I have no idea what it would be like to live that way.

I usually do not quote myself but let me tell you what happened. I picked her up and we went out for a late lunch/early dinner. I was surprised that for someone who had not seen me in years she got in some nice digs about me. I thought wow she is the queen of passive aggression. We went back to my place because she wanted to see it. She said she liked it but nothing specific. We put the harness on my dog and went out for a walk. Between she and I talking so much and Corky pulling to get to every new scent I was becoming short of breath. She was surprised at my difficulty breathing and asked if something was wrong. I told her about my blood and how the levels are dropping. She asked if my back hurt and I told her it was weakness from the lack of red blood cells carrying oxygen to my muscles. She acted concerned but has not called since.