Desperate to be a Eunuch

[tugon (imported)]

Stopped in a restaurant for lunch before heading to work today. I bumped into a mother and daughter I knew from church and school. We chatted about some of the families we knew that attended church and school with us. They mentioned my friend Corky's parents and then talked of him. They mentioned his tragic death and that he was dating my next door neighbor.

Now today relationships do not have to be hidden. In some states same sex couples can wed. Sadly it was 1976 in small town Ohio and when all but a few think of him they think of him dating a girl. I must admit to a little pain when I am not known to have been his lover. His mother and one sister-in-law and two of my friends knew. There would be little to gain by setting the record straight.

I will be glad for the day when all can share their love and receive acceptance and support. The day when one would not even think it needs to be a secret.

[nullorchis (imported)]

The more I re-read this thread, the more thoughts come to me.

Not wanting, or needing, acceptance or support from others for us, or how we live our lives, seems like a solid foundation.

If acceptance or support comes, then you know who your friends are.

If it does not come, then you know who your friends are not.

You can then choose with whom to associate.

[tugon (imported)]

One thing I would like to work on is my great sense of frustration and powerlessness. I do not always feel that way but tonight I had a large dose. My last therapist felt I needed to learn to assert myself but much of this has accumulated throughout my life. I can now assert myself but did not for years. One day my very dominant older sister told me to assert myself and I told her that she never let me. Thinking back the women in my family were all rather dominant. The men abusive to me.

One of my silly little triggers is people not letting me finish a sentence. Tonight I was giving report to a caregiver who is family and just filling in to help. As I was explaining some medicine changes she kept jumping ahead because she thought she knew what I was going to tell her. I finally had to ask if I was going to be able to finish what I was telling her. Luckily my shift was over. As I parked my car I felt some relief that I would be walking my dog. As we were finished with our walk I bumped into a neighbor who along with his wife are the most interesting. I was looking forward to a nice conversation.

Tonight I discovered he was a French teacher and his wife who is from Mexico met in France. They are both fluent in French and he said his wife would be more than happy to work with me. I was quite excited by this news as I had been sampling study programs and knew how important it would be to have someone with which to speak. When all of a sudden this 71 year old lady who suffers from cyclical manic depression came up and took over the conversation. Her brain jumps from thought to thought very similar to a drop of water in a hot skillet. She is very fatiguing. I tried to help her when she adopted a dog sight unseen that was too young, large and energetic for her. Actually most of my bitching does not matter other than she kicked up that level of frustration even higher.

Then after our two hour walk my dog decided to be stubborn. He had rested in the shade and enjoyed the water I carry for him along with some treats. Now he wanted to sit and watch traffic and people stop and collect their mail. I was tired, hungry, had pills to take and was sober so I wanted to go home. Well even my dog does not listen to me.

When I was young I tried to be as quiet as possible and stay under the radar. I never developed any kind of commanding voice. My client acts like she cannot hear me but I think that is a game. I told someone one time I had to use my stern voice with Corky and she laughed. I spent a number of adult years keeping myself quiet. I try to help contribute information but often dismissed. I guess I am feeling like the mute village idiot.

[JesusA (imported)]

We are all in the process of becoming. Look back to see how far you've come already. Know that you are still moving forward.

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

I was looking for postcards in a shop with a huge collection of all sorts of different postcards. I bought a lot. One of them has a text:

life is what happens to you

while you're busy

making other

plans

john lennon

[tugon (imported)]

I had a great day yesterday. I had some great interactions with people as I ran my errands on my day off. I was upbeat and dare I say charming. While upgrading my phone I had so much fun with the salesperson. Then I went to a restaurant for lunch and the waitperson was very happy to see me. She shook my hand and welcomed me back. Then I went to pick up some meds and my favorite pharmacy tech waited on me. She is a sweet woman who is older than I and I said I needed my pills that keep me from being too sweet. She smiled and said they are not working.

I had not felt myself for many months. My world was getting darker and I lost a number of interests. I blamed it on my multiple concussions. I felt less mentally capable and was becoming cold to others. I was easy to anger. I was not fit to be around people. I was even becoming impatient with my dog. I was getting to the point where I did not like myself.

Now that I am not breathing natural gas my outlook on life is improving. My apartment had been cluttered due to a lack of energy. I would open mail, packages and just leave things lying about. I would put dishes in the sink instead of in the dishwasher. Now the place is neat and clean and I take pride in it again. My art even looks brighter and more colorful.

It is good to be back.

[Dave (imported)]

good to hear you are doing better.

[tugon (imported)]

good to hear you are doing better.

Thanks Dave. I knew I was changing and not for the better. Knowing the reason why and feeling improvements are wonderful things. I am still going to follow your advice and let my doctor know.

[tugon (imported)]

I was having a fairly good day at work and texting with a friend when a mention of a friends situation caused me to flashback. Then a friend called and said something that at most times would only be rude but today was hurtful. So now I am thinking about my wonderful dog and other positives and trying to stop reliving past events.

Where I went in my mind was the time he would make me get on my knees and beg for him. I hated him and would fantasize about killing him. I have always practiced non violence and to want to harm someone was not a state of mind I wanted to experience. I was still fearful he would harm family as threatened. I thought I had no choice but to endure.

Certainly a catch 22 situation. The better I begged the quicker it would be over. The quicker it was over the sooner he would leave. I would praise and beg for something I never wanted again. I am chuckling now that he believed anything I ever said.

It does not do a mind well to hate someone and have to beg for them. Of course sending it out of me to the universe helps. I am glad in someways only a portion of the nightmare surfaces from time to time. Remembering it all at once would be overwhelming. Now to happy thoughts to end the continuous loop of those memories.

[tugon (imported)]

My frustration over Castro's suicide has surprised me. I really began to think more about it after watching an episode of Dr. Phil about 4 high school football players who raped a fellow student. The one boy and his parents were vilifying the young woman. They also had a mother of a young woman who was gang raped by classmates and ended her own life. I was sitting there with such a lust for vengeance and punishment when I had a thought.

I was too afraid to press charges against my rapist and abuser. I realize now how suffering through it and doing nothing has lead to my sense of powerlessness and frustration. I did nothing but continually take his abuse for years. I was so damn passive I just took it. I had my freedom to work and have a life but he was controlling me. I began to believe I was what he told me I was. I began to stop going places at night because he would become so angry if I was not home when he called. I did not think enough of myself and gave him control. I was so damn passive.

I could list all the fears that kept me from doing anything but the greatest was my doubt he would be prosecuted. It was tough enough in this town for a woman to receive justice so I did not think a gay man being raped by a straight men would even make it to court. I think it would only make him more dangerous and possibly put my mother at risk. As I was leaving his house a police cruiser was driving down the street. Help in front of me and a man with a gun behind me. Of course many of the same excuses women give for not pressing charges also apply to my situation.

It is a long struggle back to happiness. I recently had a nightmare where I was carrying in groceries and he followed me into the apartment. My hands were full and I could not shut the door. I set the bags down on the counter and when I turned to go shut the door I saw him sitting on the couch. That image woke me right up. When I was in Paris and standing on the Pont des Arts I raised my arms and let the wind blow over me and much of the hate blew away.