Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

Hi everyone,

Happy New Year! I'm doing quite well these days, after going back to 4mg/day of estrogen. Also, it surely helps to feel accepted/loved by my wife to an extent.

* * *

In contrast to the traditional New Year's greeting above, the new year has started with grief: a co-worker whom I liked/appreciated committed suicide on New Year's. Makes me wish I had gotten to know him better. Maybe if he had known about my issues and my battles with suicidal thoughts, he would have felt free to call me. Cried a lot yesterday. I'll miss him. (BTW: I'm leaving out details and his presumed motivations for the sake of anonymity.)

* * *

On a better note, Norah Vincent's book Self-Made Man has been a great read. As you may recall, Norah spent a year disguised as a man. Although she is merely a masculine woman, not a transsexual, I believe she did the TS community a service by her experiment/experience.

You see, the book has an unexpected twist toward the end (starting on page 267): Norah-as-Ned eventually had a real-life nervous breakdown! She checked herself into the psychiatric ward of a hospital and was classified as 'passively suicidal.' She identifies the causes as:

1. all the guilt of being an impostor,

2. the anxiety of being caught at it, and

3. the 'by then extreme discomfort of contravening my own gender identity.'

Let's think about this: Someone goes against his/her own gender identity for an extended length of time and ends up having a nervous breakdown. We can apply this observation two ways:

a. Yes, late-transitioner transsexuals often have a breakdown and/or become suicidal after a life of pretending to be the other gender.

b. Yet, you don't hear about transsexuals having nervous breakdowns after transitioning.

Norah expected to be free as Ned:

(page 277) I've been considered a masculine woman all my life...I figured that when I went out as a guy some imbalance would correct itself and I'd be just a regular Joe, well within the acceptable gender spectrum. But suddenly, as a man, people were seeing my femininity bursting out all over the place, and they did not receive it well.

(pages 275-276) I had thought that by being a guy I would get to do all the things I didn't get to do as a woman...But when it actually came to the business of being Ned I rarely felt free at all. Far from busting loose, I found myself clamping down instead.

I curtailed everything: my laugh, my word choice, my gestures, my expressions. Spontaneity went out the window, replaced by terseness, dissimulation, and control. I hardened and denied to the point almost of ossification. I couldn't be myself, and after a while, this really got me down. [emphasis added]

Almost gives me goose pimples thinking about this. Norah has provided a 'control group' in the matter of transition! Namely: what happens when you take a gender-congruent person and have them transition (albeit without hormones)? THEY EVENTUALLY HAVE A BREAKDOWN!

Reminds me of my time back in Florida when I was still living with my wife and had to clamp down on my gender expression. I had become depressed and passively suicidal, and was heading toward being actively suicidal.

Just so the non-transsexual reader can understand, I'll state what TSs already know (paralleling Norah's causes of her breakdown). When we cross-dress and/or transition:

1. The deception isn't beginning, it is ending. We are presenting our true selves and thus do not suffer from impostor's guilt.

2. True, we do suffer some anxiety about not passing well.

3. Far from contravening our gender identity, we are actually embracing our gender identity and can thus be ourselves. Mannerisms/expressions which previously had to be stifled are free to emerge.

Don't you just love it?! It was hard to put the book down at times.

That's all for now,

Terri

[mrt (imported)]

I'm really really sorry to hear about your co worker. Thats really sad.

I picked up the book its very interesting to see being "male" from a female view point. I think its as important as "Black like me" where a white man went into the southern world as a black man and saw whats it really like.

I think being able to see being Male from Female eyes is at least VERY interesting. I will really have to do some digging to find this but I found a pod cast from a F2M transexual who kept a diary of her/his experiences in transition also extremely interesting and very much echoed my experiences when I went on Hormone Replacement.

I think a lot of our TS friends have reported a sense of "relief" when they spoke to a Doctor about this for the first time or were "oked" for HRT or got that date with a GRS/SRS surgeon. I the reason? Well.... I suspect your right. Its the end of "pretending" to be the other gender and the freedom to be yourself.

I got some emails from people who were confused about my outspoken comments on the joys of "testosterone" and sex etc. I tend to think that my experience in some odd ways mirrors some of what you and other TS folks go through. I was born with normal functioning hormone makers. During birth when I was "wired" I got the male signal or however it worked. When disease goofed up my ability to make my own hormones I had almost all the bad issues with being a Eunuch and none of the good ones. Perhapes my levels were stuck in that middle zone (Or Eunuch levels are just not my bag) or what I don't know. Part of it is that I clearly missed my "male-ness." So, when I went on HRT and had my Orchiectomy to get rid of the broken parts and have healthy looking "replacements" put in I kind of felt as that PODCAST F2M transexual did. Except that in my case I had some experience with being male. And yes, I felt relief at every step along the way. Being able to speak to my doctor, getting onto HRT, getting a date for my male 2 MALE surgery etc.

It sounds to me like your really working this out in your head. I'm really happy to hear how upbeat you are.

Hi everyone,

Happy New Year! I'm doing quite well these days, after going back to 4mg/day of estrogen. Also, it surely helps to feel accepted/loved by my wife to an extent.

* * *

In contrast to the traditional New Year's greeting above, the new year has started with grief: a co-worker whom I liked/appreciated committed suicide on New Year's. Makes me wish I had gotten to know him better. Maybe if he had known about my issues and my battles with suicidal thoughts, he would have felt free to call me. Cried a lot yesterday. I'll miss him. (BTW: I'm leaving out details and his presumed motivations for the sake of anonymity.)

* * *

On a better note, Norah Vincent's book Self-Made Man has been a great read. As you may recall, Norah spent a year disguised as a man. Although she is merely a masculine woman, not a transsexual, I believe she did the TS community a service by her experiment/experience.

You see, the book has an unexpected twist toward the end (starting on page 267): Norah-as-Ned eventually had a real-life nervous breakdown! She checked herself into the psychiatric ward of a hospital and was classified as 'passively suicidal.' She identifies the causes as:

1. all the guilt of being an impostor,

2. the anxiety of being caught at it, and

3. the 'by then extreme discomfort of contravening my own gender identity.'

Let's think about this: Someone goes against his/her own gender identity for an extended length of time and ends up having a nervous breakdown. We can apply this observation two ways:

a. Yes, late-transitioner transsexuals often have a breakdown and/or become suicidal after a life of pretending to be the other gender.

b. Yet, you don't hear about transsexuals having nervous breakdowns after transitioning.

Norah expected to be free as Ned:

Almost gives me goose pimples thinking about this. Norah has provided a 'control group' in the matter of transition! Namely: what happens when you take a gender-congruent person and have them transition (albeit without hormones)? THEY EVENTUALLY HAVE A BREAKDOWN!

Reminds me of my time back in Florida when I was still living with my wife and had to clamp down on my gender expression. I had become depressed and passively suicidal, and was heading toward being actively suicidal.

Just so the non-transsexual reader can understand, I'll state what TSs already know (paralleling Norah's causes of her breakdown). When we cross-dress and/or transition:

1. The deception isn't beginning, it is ending. We are presenting our true selves and thus do not suffer from impostor's guilt.

2. True, we do suffer some anxiety about not passing well.

3. Far from contravening our gender identity, we are actually embracing our gender identity and can thus be ourselves. Mannerisms/expressions which previously had to be stifled are free to emerge.

Don't you just love it?! It was hard to put the book down at times.

That's all for now,

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Since the beginning of this diary, I've never waited this long between posts. That shows how well I've been doing. My mental outlook is fairly positive these days, but it has taken some adjustment. I've come to accept I'm going to be a gender oddball, being not-quite man and not-quite woman.

Regarding transition: in truth, I have "transitioned," and that is what has brought peace; I just haven't transitioned all the way. Still taking estrogen, but only 2mg/day. Still grateful for my April 2005 surgery with Dr. Kimmel. Still wearing my hair longish and feminine. When buying clothes, I avoid the men's department and look in the women's department for items which are on the gender-neutral side. Turtlenecks are great, especially when I can "bridge" them without a bra. Still getting laser treatments to reduce facial hair. Still using my gender-neutral middle name at work and with friends. When I'm feeling ugly, I'll use light cosmetics. My apartment has plenty of feminine touches.

By the above paragraph, I don't mean to cheapen the definition of transition; but I realized I can't honestly say I haven't transitioned. (Just ask any normal woman who is looking for a normal husband whether I'd qualify.) Folks who haven't transitioned still have T in their veins, look basically-male in their everyday appearance, don't wear nightgowns to bed, etc.

I can't slide back toward maleness; GID doesn't allow it. Every now and then, I look in the mirror and pull my hair out of the way, wondering if I could stand to look at a shorter, male-style haircut. Every time, the answer is "No."

My everyday appearance has a feminine cast to it. At work (at a client site), an "out" lesbian approached and asked if I was getting any grief from the other plant workers over my appearance. (No.) Earlier in the day, she had said, "You're looking especially lovely these days." (Music to my ears!) She could tell I was TG, so I opened up. She said some workers ask whether I'm the "sister or cousin" of one of the female workers due to a strong resemblance.

If I hadn't come this far transition-wise, I would still be suffering gender angst, compulsively/obsessively analyzing gender in general and my gender in particular. So to this extent, I can definitely say "transition works." Estrogen was the biggest help; as soon as I had enough in my bloodstream, the obsessive gender analysis began to subside. Another help is knowing my appearance is ambiguous to others, since a normal male presentation would feel deceptive/weird/superficial/awkward/painful.

Something else which has brought peace: I consider my marriage kaput. We are still in the "separated" category, but I don't see how my wife will ever accept my present lifestyle. By considering the marriage kaput, I have regained self-esteem/self-worth. How is that, you ask? In the context of a failing marriage, I was a "defective" person who had to be cured or healed. Now, I'm just gender-ambiguous "Terry" who is helpful, polite, and gets along well with people -- acceptable in his/her own right.

Terri

P.S. to Mr. T: Thanks for your response. Glad you found Norah's book interesting.

[Eunuch2be (imported)]

Terri,

So good to see you are still around. I had wonder what had happened, since there had been a lot of time since your last post.

I understand how you feel about being a gender oddball. I feel the same way. For years I have dealt with gender identity issues, even transitioning for a year and a half in '96-'98, but having to give it up for various reasons. Since then I came accross this forum, and have looked and silently planned for the day I can have them removed. and while my primary desire is to transition, I recently came out as gay as one friend thought "to get out of the box I was in".

So I'll end up as a gay feminine eunuch, or a transgendered woman. Either way, probably a gender odd ball or some version of a flaming queer.

Stand strong, your an inspiration!

Eunuch2be

[plix (imported)]

Terri,

You have made so much progress since the beginning of your journey, and I think you have discovered some pretty amazing things about yourself.

I know that you finally starting to find a place to settle in that you are comfortable with, and I think this is great.

Keep up the updates, even if all is well. We love hearing from you

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

What it is like when a transsexual is able to reduce/eliminate gender frustration by transitioning?

- Like getting on an open expressway after going thru a congested construction area...

- Like when the pilot says, "You are now free to move about the cabin" and you've been dying to use the restroom.

I was out all day on Saturday (dressed) and it felt wonderful. Felt like I could breathe, like I could roam freely.

* * *

It's been three months since my last update. In that time, we experienced the passing of Christina. What a shame. She will be missed.

How is transition going, you ask? Not long ago it was stalled. Was taking only 4mg of estrogen per day. Dressed ambiguously, not full femme. Had no goals for life except to avoid suicide. Emotional downs were becoming more frequent and more severe.

My attitude toward life was slowly souring and I belatedly recognized the culprit: poor/lazy management of my GID. Therefore, I put transition back on the front burner by taking action: got my ears pierced and started laser treatments on my chest 10 days ago. Those two steps have done wonders for my mental outlook. (In case you're interested: The earrings are aquamarine in a gold setting. Love 'em!) Also bumped my E dosage to 6mg/day.

Spent the last 11 days thinking about gender. Been trying to make double- and triple-sure that I'm female inside, as well as trying to establish a philosophy for transition that I can live with. Came to some peace about it yesterday and today.

What do I mean by a "philosophy for transition"? Basically, a justification for my personal transition which is compatible with my worldview (Christian). Some philosphies encountered along the way:

- "You have to do what makes you happy." Compatible with United States philosophy ("pursuit of happiness") but Christians are expected to suffer sometimes.

- My endocrinologist's philosophy about GID is, "It is what it is." Well stated since it's hard to argue with hard-wiring in the brain which operates below the level of rational thought. In other words, we don't have to explain it or understand it in order to treat it. Although it appears transition is necessary to avoid depression and dysfunction, some amount of sacrifice is expected of Christians.

- "You have to like yourself" (from a female co-worker). This has merit. We should have the freedom to change and improve ourselves, especially if we hate what we are. Self-hatred and low self-esteem can lead to suicide.

Finally, the philosophy which carries the biggest weight for me at this point concerns relationships and personal growth. Recognizing the cross-gendering now, I can look back at my younger days and past relationships and see how the then-unrecognized cross-gendering still had an influence.

Here's what I'm trying to get at:

First, recognize that gender is extremely important. For instance, look at how it creates two distinct classes in every culture. Also note its prominence in language (e.g., he/she, uncle/aunt, brother/sister, actor/actress, etc.). Gender is the primary way we classify people and plays a part in most, if not all, relationships.

Therefore, since gender is so very important, relationships and an individual's growth/maturity are doomed to suffer twists and/or stunting unless a person is operating with the correct gender.

When my Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift hit the fan in 2005, it was like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" for my wife. I had changed inside and she no longer recognized the person in me. It frightened her -- something along the lines of demon possession. However, if she had only factored gender into the equation, she could have seen I was simply a female version of the person she knew before.

Regarding personal growth: what about goals and ambitions? I have no desire to learn how to be a "better male." Maleness is a dead-end street for me in light of the "I'm female inside" epiphany. Even if I chose not to care and feed for the female in me, I'm not about to controvert my inner nature by adopting new male traits. With regard to feminine socialization, I admit I have shortcomings and could benefit from the sort of coaching girls get from parents and peers. So I do have ambition to become a better female. There's life and a future in that direction.

Concluding on a philosophy of transition: Christians are to work on their inner selves and their relationships. Since gender is a fundamental dimension/component in both areas, I believe the effort will ultimately be frustrated by cross-gendering unless: (1) the cross-gendering is recognized, (2) the inner gender accepted/embraced by the individual, and (3) the inner gender lived on the outside as well.

* * *

Wondering about my marriage? It is headed for divorce, though nothing formal yet. Amazingly enough, the reason put forth by my wife (and I accept her reasoning) is my inner identity of female makes our relationship lesbian and therefore invalid, even if I never get SRS. Not that I have anything against lesbians; I'm just uncomfortable in the role of one. (I'm asexual at this point, but fantasies involve men and equipment I would like to have but don't possess.)

I liken the marriage to a brother and sister, separated at birth, who marry without realizing their connection. When they later discover they are brother and sister, they feel odd about the marriage and annul it in good conscience.

* * *

Frustration: I think the reason transsexuals eventually suffer breakdowns and yield to transition is accumulated stress/frustration. For sufferers of GID, there is an added burden of gender frustration on top of all of life's routine frustrations. Conveying this in concrete terms, let's say a well-adjusted adult normally has 100 "units" of patience to fall back on each day. Additionally assume a normal day consumes 60 units of patience and a stressful day maybe 90 units. The person is left with a reservoir of patience most of the time (10-40 units). Combine a bad day at work with a bad day at home and the person will go into the red patience-wise. Now look at a GID sufferer: added to the commonplace stress is a daily burden of gender frustration -- say 40 unit's worth for the sake of discussion. The GID sufferer is left with no reservoir of patience after a good day (0 units) and goes into the red on a bad day (-30 units), suffering emotional crashes on a frequent, unhealthy basis. No wonder depression and suicidal thoughts often accompany GID.

* * *

The upshot of this renewed attention to transition and a philosophy I'm comfortable with is I'm feeling pretty good about myself and confident about the future. No depression. Realized one evening aweek ago: "Heyyy....I'm not dreading work tomorrow."

Thanks for your interest. Hope I didn't get preachy; just sharing the inner conflicts a person can go thru with GID,

Terri

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

It is

good to hear from you again. I have

been wondering how things are going for you. --FLO--

[Milkman (imported)]

Boy this is rough trip .. thank you for documenting your gender re-orientation. Have you lost your sex drive from the confusion at this point?

[mrt (imported)]

Your reasoning sounds perfectly valid to me. I hope that thinking it out loud has helped you find some peace with your direction. I think it can often be helpful to do this sort of thing.

I think its perfectly understandable how your wife and you feel. Its too bad that can't be worked out but... What turned her on about you when you were dating was clearly YOU but in a different package. And I don't know that I would be any better then she is if my wife suddenly informed me she was going to become male. Anyway, I do hope that things calm down between you so you can be civil and raise the family.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

[NOTE: Hesitated to post this due to its length. Didn't want to bore. Yet, it is an accurate view into the head of a transsexual. So -- for whatever it's worth -- here goes.]

Made an important discovery into my psyche this past week. Asked myself, "If I could wish for anything, what would I wish for?"

Money? A real nice car? Different job? Different wife? To fly like Superman? ...

I'd still be male -- in a nice car, nice job, to a different wife, etc. That being the case, those things don't appeal. Honestly, they don't. I'D STILL BE MALE. None of these changes to my situation would fix my life.

What would I wish for? To be female. Realized then: "I really don't want to cease to exist. And I really don't want to die. If I could just be female, I would want to live."

That being the case, transition makes sense. It seems nothing else can fix my life.

* * *

Had a tearful time this morning, trying to decide whether to dress femme today or just ambiguously. Why the emotion, you ask? Because in the past, venturing out femme was an experiment which didn't require scrutiny; figured, "If gender dysphoria is causing so much angst, see if being accepted as the other gender takes care of the problem."

Dressing today, however, was charting a course. I have experimented, and dressing femme does help. Realized if I simply dressed ambiguously today, it would be out of laziness.

So I dressed femme.

* * *

In my previous post, I talked about a justification for transitioning. Although I've had important reasons to transition (such as avoiding suicide and dysfunction), I wanted a positive reason. And that reason is to attempt to un-warp the damage cross-gendering has done. My female spirit has been socialized male and warped with testosterone. (No offense intended to the male reader. It's just that testosterone has an undeniably powerful effect on the mind, and females don't experience male dosages.)

For example, my relationship with my dad has been less than satisfactory. We get along fine, but there's an absence of emotion, maybe a distance emotionally. That is one relationship I wanted to improve.

One thing that's helpful: I understand the cause now (=cross-gendering). He has treated me as a son, and I've apparently had a different set of needs/expectations somewhere in my subconscious.

Well, after dinner with my parents this evening, I "hit a home run." Understand, I spent the afternoon at my parents doing laundry, dressed femme. This is the second time they've seen me this way. When it came time to go out for dinner, I switched to male mode. At dinner, we happened to talk about names. Told them I don't identify myself to them on the phone anymore since I don't like the 'B' name" (=bryan). When we parted, my dad said, "Let me give you a hug..." and then said in my ear, "I'll call you Terry from now on." I paused at my car, eyes watering, at the significance of it.

* * *

Been thinking about the two different approaches my wife and I have for dealing with these gender issues. Came up with an analogy: It's as though we had a table, from who knows where, that someone painted a long time ago. As the table showed more and more wear, bits of its history started to show through: old layers of paint, finally some wood. Finally, a big scratch meant something had to be done.

My wife's approach would be to apply a fresh coat of paint, maybe a different color this time. ("Learn how to be a better male. Discover the areas where you are deficient as a male and go through counseling to improve.")

My approach is to scrape off the old layers of paint, to see what sort of wood is underneath. (That is, discover who I truly am inside.)

WARNING: RAMBLING THOUGHTS AHEAD!

I think about this stuff ALL THE TIME! For instance, I wonder: "Castration made me feel like the person I was before puberty, and my grownup understanding classifies that feeling as female. Did I have less testosterone as a child than most boys? Was I just a low-T boy? That doesn't make me a female. But it makes me want to BE female. What is a female and what is a male anyway, once you get past the physical differences? And what kind of boy WANTS to be female? (Probably one who is a girl inside.) Is my gender identity dependent on hormones? If my maleness depended on T, yet I've renounced my association with T by being castrated, then what kind of a male was I in the first place? Sounds more like a female to me. What would happen if you took a female spirit, placed it in a boy's body, had everyone around think it was a boy, etc.? Maybe the female would have mysterious longings for female activities and friendship. Yet it wouldn't be very obvious because there'd be socialization pointing in the boy direction. And the female would have the boy parts as a constant reminder..."

These ponderings go on and on.

* * *

After all my big, bold talk about transition, would you believe I still look for a way out? I do. I still wonder, "Could I get by as a male?" What a short memory I have! All I have to do it look at my emotional crashes, suicidal thoughts, and tearful times to realize, "No! Male life is a dead end for me." But faced with the effort, difficulty, and uncertainties of transition, I still look for an easy way out.

(If my parents asked about my manner of dress today, I was going to say, "This is very hard. I wouldn't do it if I didn't have to.")

Not only that, I STILL go through denial about my cross-gendering. In exasperation I wonder, "How is it possible for a female wind up in a male body?!" (Yes, I'm aware of the research into prenatal hormones.) How could I have been so clueless for so long? It just seems preposterous. YET(!), I'm faced with the reality of crumbling into dysfunction if I don't make plans to live as female someday.

The fact I still go through denial allows me to guess how I treated the issue in my younger days. No doubt I told myself, "You're a boy, not a girl. Boys don't have girls inside." It's not until I went through my personal crisis of 2004-2005 that I had to admit something was truly amiss. And even after what amounted to a nervous breakdown, I still go thru denial. How crazy is that?!

Terri. With an 'i'. Definitely. Today, at least.