This is one of the most difficult weekends I have had in months. I will keep this post relatively short, though, and not go into all the boring details. Writing this as a list will help me stick with that intention.

1. I am still have breathing problems from asthma so I feel tired and grumpy. Rainy weather this weekend only makes it worse. Today, I found myself rather fondly remembering very cold, dry winter days. I want my life back where I can be active outside without fear of aggravating my breathing difficulties.

2. I continue to feel stressed from a too heavy work load at the office. People at the office familiar with what I do know I cannot keep up with everything that needs to be done. We will likely hire someone to help. In the meantime, I feel angry that work is keeping me from socializing, which I desperately want to do. The old 'male' person I was would not have cared much. I wasn't being myself then, though, so I was not nearly as comfortable around people.

Of course, I am thankful that I have a job at all. I am even more fortunate that my working environment is terrific.

3. As I write, I am watching "P.S., I love you (http://psiloveyoumovie.warnerbros.com/)" starring Hillary Swank. Chick-flick movies like this have always appealed to me. Even when I was married, I would sob at many movies as my ex-wife sat by me. Tonight I have been crying quite a bit as I watch this film.

4. Over the last few weeks, I have developed an interest in returning to the east coast city where I was born. I want to see the house my parents brought me to from the hospital where I was born. I am feeling sad over the loss of my parents. Then there is the likely loss of my brothers, though not by death. I can live with these losses, accept them and still thrive. I have been thriving. There is still grief there, though, and I cried today over that. This distress results from the realization that I lack a family in a real sense, rather than from the loss of people who cannot accept me for who I am. I will certainly regain my emotional equilibrium in this area.

5. In general, I am crying a lot today. I would like to have love in my life. Whether or not there is physical intimacy is in a way irrelevant. I miss having someone close that I can urge to run and look at a sunset with me, or a rainbow or a blossom lit just perfectly by a sun low in the sky.

Danya (imported) wrote: Sun Sep 14, 2008 7:00 pm This is one of the most difficult weekends I have had in months.

Yesterday, I did feel this was shaping up to be a very difficult weekend. Today, I have an entirely different outlook. This is consistent with my general sense of well-being since I transitioned and my new-found tendency to refuse to be in a bad mood for long.

September 19 will mark four months since my transition day at work. Since then, I have experienced a nearly non-stop high because things have gone so well and I have felt truly

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Jul 07, 2008 6:03 pm [quote="Danya (imported)" time=1213

357320]
happy for the first time in my life. I
[/quote]
enjoy near total acceptance, and often outright support, from coworkers and friends both at church and elsewhere.

It seemed like this 'gender euphoria' would go on forever. I knew it couldn't possibly, though, and soon enough my emotions would return to a more sustainable intensity.

Starting about a week ago, I started to feel I am entering a new stage in my transition. It may be that, at last, my euphoria over transitioning has lessened and this is not at all a bad thing. I don't think it will ever leave me entirely.

I full

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed Jul 02, 2008 5:07 pm y expect, then, to remain happy and cont

ent that I am becoming who I was always meant to be. With my emotions on a more even keel, however, I have more freedom to pursue a balanced life. Many transsexuals tend to be focused on the changes they are experiencing and how to achieve their goals. This seems very natural to me because such huge physical and emotional changes are involved. I have been this way and that is likely to continue but with less urgency. I have an inkling that transitioning is becoming a less central, although still very important, piece of my life.

In part, the idea of transitioning and becoming a woman as a process has been replaced with the belief that I have transitioned and I am truly a woman. I am now totally comfortable with my new name. It is who I am. I interact socially as a woman with ease and without effort.

All of this is very good and, indeed, may put me in a better position to achieve my transition goals (e.g., GRS). For the first time in months, I feel I have enough energy to effectively pursue a second source of income. I have mentioned doing this before but somehow I was always too preoccupied with how wonderful transitioning is to do anything about it.

I was also spending much of my free time reading the experiences of TS woman, their transitions, their family relations and so on. Now I have little desire to read any more because I am now an expert in these areas myself. Instead of reading about others' life experiences, I want to live my life out in the world and learn more about myself through socializing and having fun. Along the way, perhaps I can help others, too.

My lesbian pal 'J' left me a phone message last night. I wasn't home and she wanted me to turn on the TV to see a certain female interviewer. This woman works for one of the national networks. J's comment was that when she saw the interviewer she immediately thought the woman looked like me!

I got home too late to see the show. Today, I found some pictures of said interviewer on the net. I don't watch much TV so I had never heard of the woman. Turns out she is about my age and pretty darn attractive.

What was especially nice about J's comment was that she did not say 'you look like the interviewer'. That would have been fine but I could have interpreted that type of comparison to mean 'You do pretty well for a former man dressing as a woman'. I view 'the interviewer looked like you' as a much more positive and powerful statement of affirmation of my identity as a woman.

Today was a bit bizarre. I worked from home so I could let a guy in to fix my broken garage door. UPS was also scheduled to deliver the repaired Nikon camera lens that I had so carelessly dropped on the kitchen floor months ago. Then there was the oil and filter change for my car.

None of the people involved has ever seen me as 'my true self', which really isn't an issue for me. I anticipated a problem with needing to show ID to the UPS person before he/she would hand over then lens. I had some problem convincing UPS a few months ago when I went to pick up a package. They wanted a photo ID. I was dressed as myself and they at first would not believe I was the person on my driver license photo (the male dude I used to identify with ). After a five minute discussion, they were finally convinced. My gender therapist understands the need to very occasionally dress as my former 'male' self because of the identification problem. Once my name change is legal I shouldn't have to ever do that again.

As for the garage repair, whether I paid by check or credit card the name shown would be my former male one. Same thing goes for the oil change. I did not want a big hassle over this which could have happened. Even some people at my office still do not realize this woman they see wandering about is anything more than a new employee, rather than their transitioning coworker.

I found it very stressful to dress as a man for much of the day and I hope to never have to do that again. I really dislike being perceived by others as male. By 5 PM, I was feeling uptight and just not right. So I got dressed as 'me' for the first time today. When I looked in the mirror, I thought to myself "Thank God, you are still there". It was so comforting to see myself dressed as the woman I am.

I rarely go out to dinner anymore so I can save money. Tonight I made an exception and felt so free going out as myself, in public. The chocolate martini I ordered first helped my relax even more. T

his coming Monday is my court date to have my name legally changed to my new female name. I can't wait! It will take some time to get everything changed over to me new name. Things like my Social Security Card, passport, driver's license, car title, credit cards, and bank accounts all have to be changed to show my new name. The list in the last sentence is by no means exhaustive, either.

All the work and hassle will be worth it. Having an official female name will be a psychological boost and powerful affirmation of who I am.

It may take months for me to update every important record but it will be worth it. Having a legally recognized female name is another important step in my transition.

There were a few days last weekend and into the beginning of the week when I thought I had lost the happiness I have felt

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Jun 10, 2008 6:09 pm since I transitioned at work.

It seemed it was gone, for good, and I felt very upset about it. Silly me, this has happened once or twice before and my very positive emotions always returned. Just as they did this week. I just had to wise up and cut back on some of the many extra hours I have been putting in at work for weeks. I wasn't feeling happy because I was burned out. I also wasn't having any fun.

Now I am trying to get in the habit of looking ahead and planning fun things to do. They don't have to cost a lot of money but allowing time for enjoying life has got to be a priority for me.

The second half of the work week went very well. I spent nearly a day-and-a-half at meetings for the newly formed diversity committee. Normally, I dislike committee meetings but this one was very different from most. Its scope is way beyond anything the company has ever done before in this area and it has the clear support of senior management, two of whom were active participants at the meeting. We had a nationally recognized trainer in, with 30 years experience, to help get us started.

Management considers the success of the diversity committee critical to corporate success. The demographics of the US are rapidly changing and the company has to change, too, if we want to continue to grow and prosper.

I volunteered to be on a subcommittee of three that will go out into the community to start the long process of building lasting connections with under represented groups in the metro area. I felt very energized to be a part of this process.

Yesterday (Friday, Sept 19) marked the 4-month anniversary of my work transition. A younger female coworker, an immigrant from Laos, spoke with me about my transition for the first time yesterday. We have known each other in passing for years. She works in a part of the building I don't frequent and we rarely see each other. She is very shy, besides. So I was surprised when she came up to my desk and told me how happy she is for me, how terrific (she actually used the word beautiful) I look and she gave me a hug.

Right after work Friday, I met several female coworkers at a local gay bar. We had a really good time. They even managed to talk me into a game of pool. I warned them that I have played a total of three times in my life. Their response was 'we all suck at pool, so it's fine!' The only ball I managed to get in a pocket was the black '8' ball. Of course, that meant my two-woman team lost. No one was bothered by this and it was a lot of fun.

When I got home, a neighbor from down the street was walking his dog in front of my place. The dog was small with white curly fur and quiet. The man, who obviously saw me as a woman, told me his dog always barks at men but gets along well with women. His dog did not bark at me and was friendly. When even a dog accepts me as a female, I know some good things must be going on!

On Wednesday, I walked from the office to the pharmacy to enjoy the beautiful weather. At the pharmacy, a woman I don't know stopped me to say how 'darling' my hair looks! I smiled and thanked her for her comment. I did not tell her that my 'hair' is a $14 wig! People generally agree, though, that it does look good.

Yesterday, a female coworker I work closely with commented on how I am still 'glowing' four months after transitioning.

The camera lens I broke a while back, when I dropped it on the kitchen floor, was returned to me this week fully repaired. This is my favorite lens, for outdoor photos at least. Today I will go to some of my favorite outdoor locales to get pictures. The exercise will be good and this is a lot of fun for me.

This Monday is my court date to legally change my entire name, last name included. I am very excited about this now. I bought a new outfit several weeks ago that I have been saving to wear Monday. It's a nice black dress with a white and black patterned jacket. I may also wear, for the first time, nice black shoes I bought several months ago. They have 3 1/2" heels with a base somewhat wider than stilettos. I have weak ankles but these shoes should be fine for me as long as I pay even the slightest attention to how I am walking. My height is 5' 9" so even with these shoes I'll only stretch to about six feet! The heels I usually wear are only 2 1/2" with an even wider base.

My name change is another step on my journey and an official recognition of who I am. I will be thrilled to have a new driver's license with my a new picture of the true me. I'll also be able to change the gender on my license to female.

At court, my boss and a coworker will take the risky step of testifying to my sanity in front of the judge. Afterwards, I will treat them to breakfast as a way of thanking them and to celebrate.

I have started work on a web site of my own that will be specific to the lives of TS people. I've thought about this for quite some time and I am excited about it. As soon as I have a credit card changed to my new name, I will purchase a domain and get things going. I've had a domain name chosen for the last month that is not yet taken.

The site will have a blog where I post my experiences, feelings, etc. Users who sign up will be able to respond and, perhaps, create their own blogs. I may eventually get some advertisers and I can highlight skills that people locally might use (and I'm not talking about anything illegal here ), increasing my income so I can raise the funds needed for SRS. There's an added benefit that an interested man may decide he wants to meet me. .

I mentioned this idea to my company's HR department several months ago and they thought it was a great idea. With their new initiative on increasing inclusiveness within and outside the company, they could point to my site as an example of their great support for someone who is very much in a minority group. As I learned at the Diversity committee meeting last week, though, I should not talk about a minority group but rather and under-represented one.

I will always post to the Archive, which I consider my home. I will continue to support the Archive with cash donations, too. My posts here will become less frequent, though, and shorter. The people here are terrific and this is the first place I felt comfortable being myself.

Hey Danya. Your idea sounds really great. Hope to see the website up soon

punkypink (imported) wrote: Mon Sep 22, 2008 3:27 pm Hey Danya. Your idea sounds really great. Hope to see the website up soon

Thanks for your input, Punkypink. Whatever the final design and content look like, I will have my own web site.

I will have to wait at least a few more days to reserve the domain name, though, because the judge at my court hearing Monday said they would mail me the official court document. She said budget cuts have left them short-handed, so they could not give it to me right after the trial which is what the state requires them to do. What this means is I will have to go back to the court house to get the court-certified copies of the court order required by my mortgage company and some other places.

This isn't a big hassle but I felt really disappointed at court to hear I wouldn't have 'proof' to show others at work. Nonetheless, several coworkers somehow heard of the change and congratulated me, which was very sweet.

My new name is now legal but it has no practical effect until I can get moving on changing bank and other records. The local Social Security Administration office will be the first place I visit. I need a card with my new name (it will retain the old number) for my employer, bank and some creditors.

Hi Danya,

Congratulations on the official and legal name change. I know how excited you must be to finally have the right name, the one that fits your personality.

That's really too bad that you couldn't get the copies of the official name change decree that you will need to get the ball rolling with all of the things that will need to be changed. Nows the time to sit down and put together a list of everyone that will need to be notified. It can be quite a list.

I never thought about things like UPS and so on not trusting that your YOU! What a headache. I wonder if the one year real life "test" IS indeed a test. A test of how much silly stupid stuff you will put up with is my guess. I suppose this is kind of a Gender Bootcamp in a way.... Well HUGE CONGRATS on your name change. This is a big day... Now if I can only get MrsT to change HER name with SS.... SIGH.... How bad is that since you know how long we have been together?

Glad to hear your camera is back together! Photography is fun and I hope will be $$$ for you. Look forward to seeing you soon.

- T