This is my Amateur two cents worth. With male balance you have gobs of Testosterone and a small amount of Estrogen. If you remove the Estrogen in a male you have ALL desire and no ability to orgasm. At least from the second hand reports of some guys who thought the goal was near zero Estrogen and over did things with Arimidex.

With women you have gobs of Estrogen and a small amount of Testosterone. Transwomen who associate "testosterone" with all they wanted to have removed and dial it down to zero lose their sex drive and don't "bother" with sex or orgasm.

Testosterone in the right amount is important for both. Its not "evil" or all wrong as some Transexual people would think. Its more complicated... The goal (I would think) is the reach that female balance. That being lots of Estrogen but proper female levels of Testosterone to insure you have the interest, energy etc. It sounds to me like you have that!

As to relationships I think its complicated about how and when to tell someone your history. It would be bad (I think) for it to be kept a secret too long. And on the other hand it might be just as bad to start off with "I'm different"

What I think will happen is that men will see you as a woman first. When the history comes out there will probably be a short "What the hell?" moment or two for them to process things. Then it will come back to them saying "well this person is a woman. The fact that she had to deal with some medical issues to get to where she is, is not that much different from women doing cosmetic surgery. And the hormones biz is probably what more natal women ought to consider anyway!

mrt (imported) wrote: Sun Aug 31, 2008 8:00 pm This is my Amateur two cents worth. With male balance you have gobs of Testosterone and a small amount of Estrogen. If you remove the Estrogen in a male you have ALL desire and no ability to orgasm. At least from the second hand reports of some guys who thought the goal was near zero Estrogen and over did things with Arimidex.

With women you have gobs of Estrogen and a small amount of Estrogen. Transwomen who associate "testosterone" with all they wanted to have removed and dial it down to zero lose their sex drive and don't "bother" with sex or orgasm.

The goal (I would think) is the reach that female balance. That being lots of Estrogen but proper female levels of Testosterone to insure you have the interest. It sounds to me like you have that!

MrT, I think your 'amatuer two cents worth' is worth a whole lot more. I agree with your conclusions.

mrt (imported) wrote: Sun Aug 31, 2008 8:00 pm As to relationships I think its complicated about how and when to tell someone your history. It would be bad (I think) for it to be kept a secret too long. And on the other hand it might be just as bad to start off with "I'm different"

Assuming I have GRS and find a man who believes me to be a natal female and is interested, I do not see a reason to divulge anything on the first date. If things develop so that a serious relationship seems possible, I would certainly tell someone about my history.

mrt (imported) wrote: Sun Aug 31, 2008 8:00 pm What I think will happen is that men will see you as a woman first. When the history comes out there will probably be a short "What the hell?" moment or two for them to process things. Then it will come back to them saying "well this person is a woman. The fact that she had to deal with some medical issues to get to where she is, is not that much different from women doing cosmetic surgery. And the hormones biz is probably what more natal women ought to consider anyway!

I am sure there are some men my age out there who would react as you say. I tend to doubt, though, that most would. Some experience may change my feelings on that.

This morning, I was substitute organist at my church for the second time this month. It was the first time my new last name, although not yet legal, was printed for people to see. That was very nice. I was surprised that people, even some who have already commented on it, continue to mention how clearly happy I am. One woman today also noted that I am much more relaxed and that she could hear this in the way I played the organ, too. I guess being my real self can do that.

Late last week at work, someone in human resources sent me an email saying how she continues to notice how happy I am whenever she sees me. She helped out a lot during the weeks leading up to my transition at work over three months ago.

I am still amazed by all this. The fact that not only do I continue to feel happy and energized but that this is also continues to be noticed, and talked about, by others blows me away.

Of course, I still have to deal with daily living and that can include stress at work and in other areas of my life. I get worn out sometimes and just want to rest. My work schedule now won't allow for a break. We are deep into implementing major new software systems that I have a major role in so I need to be at the office every day.

My application to be on the Diversity Council at work was accepted. Participating on this committee will likely increase my stress level because it will require time away from my work on projects with set in concrete 'go live' dates. Nonetheless, I feel the work of this committee is very important. As I stated earlier, the description of this committee, its mandate and how it will interact with employees and upper management lead me to think it has a chance of actually accomplishing something useful and beneficial. Sticking to a regular exercise routine will help keep the stress manageable.

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Sep 01, 2008 12:35 pm MrT, I think your 'amatuer two cents worth' is worth a whole lot more. I agree with your conclusions.

Assuming I have GRS and find a man who believes me to be a natal female and is interested, I do not see a reason to divulge anything on the first date. If things develop so that a serious relationship seems possible, I would certainly tell someone about my history.

I am sure there are some men my age out there who would react as you say. I tend to doubt, though, that most would. Some experience may change my feelings on that.

I have no doubt there are thick heads who could not get past the idea that your "different" from other women in what parts you were born with. I dunno... I think about this and I know I'm not alone. Its "m e d i c a l" not a kink or a fetish thing. When I heard the 700 club guy who is very right wing say pretty much the same thing "This is medical. Its not a sin. People who need SRS and hormones need not be worried God is upset about this" It makes me think this is more mainstream (At least in some unexpected circles) then you might think. I HOPE SO! I really think it would be stupid / ignorant or just evil if not so.

I dunno... At the age where reproduction is not possible with a natal woman it seems even less important to me. I mean a guy getting serious with you at child bearing age might feel "cheated" out of bio kids but now? Is it that huge? Should it be? I don't think so but maybe I'm a weirdo.

mrt (imported) wrote: Mon Sep 01, 2008 8:58 pm I dunno... At the age where reproduction is not possible with a natal woman it seems even less important to me. I mean a guy getting serious with you at child bearing age might feel "cheated" out of bio kids but now? Is it that huge? Should it be? I don't think so but maybe I'm a weirdo.

I don't think you are in any way a weirdo, MrT.

Decisions

I need to decide whether to send a letter to a few people from my college and university days to let them know about my transition. There is one advisor that I still exchange Christmas cards with. I am sure others will likely figure things out eventually since my male name on current alumni mailing lists will disappear. This new woman of whom they have no recollection will suddenly appear. I hope that will happen, anyway, when I send schools notice of my legal name change.

I have always felt at ease talking with people face-to-face about my TG status. I feel less comfortable revealing this in a note probably because I don't get any immediate feedback. If I send a note, should it be a few lines or a longer explanation of how I came to be where I am today?

What I will probably do is send a letter based on one of the many online examples examples written by other transitioning people. Some of those are very well done and I can get some good ideas there. Often these are fairly long letters so the reader gets an idea that the life change is more than just a sudden development. Some of the posted responses to these letters have been very understanding.

I just want to get this over with. My college days seem so far removed from my current life as to be nearly meaningless.

I also wonder if I need to notify my high school of my legal name change. Probably I should, to be safe. Should I ever change jobs, some applications have a space for your high school info. I don't think I need to let my grade school know.

Work has been really tiring me out with special projects that have to get done. When the entire corporation has been told that new systems will go online by a certain date, that date has to be met. If it isn't, and in view of the fact that these new capabilities cost far more than anything the company has ever purchased, the sh*t will hit the fan. So I have been working evenings and weekends for some time and that will continue at least until January. I am worn out! Nonetheless, I am fortunate to have a good job with a great working environment for someone, you know, like me.

Despite all the work, I have managed to post to a number of threads on the Archive, often between short breaks from remote office work. I have been able to relax, too.

The most important thing, though, is my transition continues to proceed very smoothly. I am feeling more comfortable and 'at home' in my developing female body than I would have thought possible when I transitioned on May 19 of this year, sans estrogen. Everything feels so 'right'! I am so relaxed most of the time and feeling extremely feminine. More in the next post, then I'll need to get back to work. I tend to make these things too long!

Aside from work continuing to follow me around all weekend, things are going well. In my last post, I spoke about how wonderfully I am doing. I was asking an Archive friend earlier in the week 'how could I have been so stupid all these years to keep burying who I am?' I don't typically go around berating myself. It's just the contrast between 'then' (male) and 'now' (female) is so huge in terms of my happiness and contentment. Just now simply feeling a part of the world and not merely an observer. Nearly all the time, I am simply glad to be where I am today and I absolutely know how lucky I am to have reached this point.

I had a strange image last week from the 'Star Wars' movies of C3P-O saying to R2-D2 "Stormtroopers, here!?": that I was the naive, unwittingly comical, sometimes annoying but still lovable C3P-O.

I just happened to be in St. Paul, Minnesota for work during the Republican convention and the office I was in was right along the route taken by protesters. There were private guards posted inside the building. At times the surrounding streets were swarming with policemen. Some in riot gear, in squad cars, on bicycles, standing atop SUVs with loaded rifles and just milling about the streets. They seemed somehow oddly mixed in with assorted TV and radio crews, groups of people peacefully speaking out against homosexuality and abortion, others speakng up about world hunger.

I had occasion to walk outside among the 'stormtroopers' on several occasions. Of course, when I was out and about it was considered safe. The city still seemed like an armed camp (I am very serious when I say this and as I think about it now I find it very disturbing) but the policemen were friendly. Even the 'stormtrooper' variety. Some were taking each other's pictures. I smiled winningly at several and was greeted by warm smiles in return. This does not mean I am making any kid of judgement on what went on between the police and protesters. I may post some thoughts on that elsewhere and I know first person witnesses of the Labor Day protest and violence.

The reason I brought all this up is it was the very first time in my life that I felt at ease with a single cop, let alone phalanxes of them. I had gotten a speeding ticket when I was about 25, the only violation of my life, and I was terrified back then when the cop pulled me over. That feeling of general unease with the police had persisted, although I had done nothing to cause me to react that way.

This week, my reaction was more like 'I am a woman and these strong men are here to protect me'. Of course, there were some women police officers present, too. I know this has got to sound awfully sexist but my thoughts played right into the increasing vulnerability I have been feeling lately. I have mentioned that before and read this is typical for a MtF person on estrogen. Some of the time anyway. It does not, however, mean I am ready to quit my technology job to become a secretary. Some years ago, that kind of career move was actually recommended by professionals to transitioning women. Totally unbelievable!

I also, oddly, felt that as a woman I would in no way be considered a possible threat. That was a really silly unrealistic thought.

Yes, I have been feeling very vulnerable on a number of levels. Including my job, career path, love life (or lack of one) and generally in most other areas. Throughout my life I have tended to be emotional and now those emotions are amplified. I feel quite good about this since it hasn't been interfering with my work. In fact, and my boss will confirm this, my performance has improved since I transitioned.

My interests seem to be changing, too. It isn't that I am losing those that I have. Rather it is how I am choosing to spend my time on different things and really want to be very social

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Jul 07, 2008 6:03 pm [quote="Danya (imported)" tim

e=1213357320]
for the first time in my life.
[/quote]


This post isn't nearly as short as the last, but I couldn't stop myself. That's another thing that is different. I talk a lot more. I am sure not everyone views this as a good thing, but that's OK.

I have to sign off for now and get back to work. Then I will meet my friend J, who is treating me to dinner at a Mexican restaurant. I really wanted to wear a dress but have decided that is too risky with potentially messy Mexican food.

Fear of cops maybe that your felt "wrong" in your then male skin. That they might smell the "wrongness" on you. Now, your using your female charms on these men and your passing their smell test and all is well with the world! Enjoy the new world. I think its great.

As to the protesters. Some at least stick in my craw. The ones throwing Urine and Poop bombs. Really despicable. The "hate" fest ones I would like to protest against no matter if its Anti Gay, Anti minorities or whatever. GET a life dudes your leader (Hitler) is long dead. I'm also not a fan of the Socialists because I equate that with all the "great" systems like the USSR, Red China, Korea and Cuba. None for me - thanks!;)

mrt (imported) wrote: Sun Sep 07, 2008 3:09 pm Fear of cops maybe that your felt "wrong" in your then male skin. That they might smell the "wrongness" on you. Now, your using your female charms on these men and your passing their smell test and all is well with the world! Enjoy the new world. I think its great.

I think you are on to something with this, mrt. That I felt "wrong" in my then male skin. Fear is an emotion that may be processed with associated odors in more primitive brain centers. There is a lot that goes on in these areas of the brain that we do not fully understand. This includes, from what I read just 5 minutes ago (how's that for thorough research!), emotions associated with odors.

In addition, I suspect I thought that I was not a real man and yet had to act like one in front of this policeman. Writing about this tonight and remembering the way I felt when I received that ticket makes me think this was another significant indicator of my transgender being.

J and I had a very nice time at dinner. She is going to make a donation in honor of my new legal name to the GLBT advocacy group hosted within my Christian congregation. [Please note, potential flamers , this is an extremely open and affirming church that genuinely welcomes everyone from whatever background and faith, including non-Chrisitians.] I was really touched by J's desire to do this. She has very little money but she is choosing to spend some of it to support a worthy cause and in recognition of a big milestone in my new life.

As I have already stated ad nauseum , I have been doing very well as I proceed through my new life. In the last few weeks I have started to feel that I likely will want SRS. This does not mean I have changed my mind and decided it is my plumbing, after all, that determines my gender! I'd really be screwed up now if I believed that, being on estrogen with suppressed testosterone, developing breasts and heightened feminine emotions while 'stuck' with male parts. Ultimately, it is still what goes on in my thoughts and feelings that counts. This is absolutely true. Yet, I am feeling so feminine lately that I am developing more of an insistent desire to have my body match my brain in all ways. It will be part of the adventure to see how all this plays out.