Late onset (yet always there)

[Mac (imported)]

Hi all,

..........

So -- do I feel accepted by God, TG and all? Yes. He's been in communication with me, reassuring me. Would I feel right cross-dressing? No, but mainly due to marriage and parenthood, plus it's not an irresistable drive now. Would I transition if I were single? I'm probably not TG enough for that sort of step. I'm not a frilly/glamour type; more of a 'mom' figure. But I could definitely see getting a penectomy with some feminization. Maybe I'd adopt a more androgenous look. Hard to say.

.................

Bryan

I differ with you in some respects. I would definately like to get nullified (castration, penectomy, scrotum removal and urethra relocation) with moderate to extreme feminization. If the times and situation had been different when I was younger, I would probably have fully transitioned.

[bryan (imported)]

Mac,

One of the lines in your signature ("Should have been a girl") struck me today. I cried for an hour off-and-on, recently, wishing I had come out as a girl. (You should have seen all the wadded kleenex on the floor afterward!) Here's an e-mail I sent to my sister a month ago:

How are things going, you ask? Good and bad. Things are good because: (1) [wife] and I are doing well, and (2) my gender appears to have shifted back some toward the male side, so I'm more comfortable in this body. The bad part is I'm somewhat disappointed my gender shifted back toward the male side. Weird, huh? I felt more alive the other way, with a strong love/concern toward others that got me praying like never before. If I had my druthers, I'd prefer to be female inside, even though it makes the body more uncomfortable. I miss the person I was a mere two months ago, to the point of tears sometimes.

When I confided EVERYTHING to [wife] two weeks before Christmas, she resolved to do some extended praying/fasting, and it has apparently had significant effect. She's a great wife, to stick with me thru such a stressful time for a couple.

Thanks for getting out the old photos over Christmas. I was particularly struck by the photo of me (age 4) holding a life-size baby doll as though I were feeding it. It mirrors my present desires. Wonder what I was thinking back then? Even though my gender has shifted back toward the male side, I've still got maternal desires. So glad we have [our 6yo son]! It just makes me wish I had come out as a girl.

[plix (imported)]

Bryan,

That's basically the same position I am in. I definitely wish I was born a girl - no doubt about that. But since I was not, I am not sure I am going to take any steps to become one and instead just accept the fact that I was not born a girl.

[bryan (imported)]

Dear Diary,

Not doing so well. The emotions get out of hand sometimes. I would like to die. Took some chocolate yesterday (to combat depression). It's rough sometimes without HRT, but there's no way I will go back to T. Feel like I've been railroaded: The reason I got castrated was because of TV desires and disgust for operational male equipment. I lose my T, and then I see what a misfit I really am. Can't go back to T, but can't transition either. I see why TGs have a high rate of suicide.

I suppose the lesson to be learned is: If you are TG/TS, have a safety net of female hormones awaiting you on the other side of castration. Ride the non-HRT rollercoaster as long as you like, but then take something.

For those of you who are TG/TS and uncut: It appears T serves as a retainer or fortifier for the male portion of your identity. Maybe that's how I did so well all these years. Lose your T, and it's uncertain what will happen to your identity. Shortly after castration, I figured castration was good therapy for TG/TS, taking the sexual edge off of things. Not so sure anymore.

TheFraj mentioned identity issues in one of his threads recently. I understand completely. I tell myself, "I know who I am, but what am I?"

Physically, I wonder about the discomfort I get in the middle of the night. It's an overall bodyache.

Lately, been obsessed with the sadness and cruelty of abortion. Did you know that 126,000 abortions occur everyday worldwide? Not a thing I can do to change it. Every day adds another 126,000 to the pile.



Just telling it straight from the heart,

Bryan, or whoever I am today

[plix (imported)]

*Huggles*

As you can probably tell from visiting the boards, you're not alone in struggling with these feelings. So many others are going through the same thing, including me. I have no idea neither who nor what I am - so at least you're ahead of me there I thought I have gotten rid of the gender issues for good back in December, but now I realize I had just managed to temporarily suppress them and here they are back again. I don't know when or if I will ever have all the answers, and all I can do now is take it one step at a time and try my best to end each day with just as much sanity as I started with

Remember that you can call me anytime. I'll be glad to talk with you

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Prior to ever considering castration, I feared going into eternity with transvestite longings. After all, it was a part of me which I had to repress, and I had been Christian for years. The thought of battling those desires in Heaven made me just want to cease to exist.

Then the gender shift occurred and things worsened. Testosterone became intolerable. Got castrated. TV desires (and other junk) faded. But transsexual longings emerged. I no longer care about the clothes; I want the body and the role. THIS is an IMPROVEMENT?!

You know what? Now I'm wondering if my TS desires will find fulfillment in Heaven. (Received some assurance on Oct. 2nd, but it's hard to stay assured in the face of daily life.) Until then, I feel incomplete/broken -- a misfit. Hate to say this, but I'm being honest: if I can't have that fulfillment, I don't want to exist. Existence is painful. It's one big secret. I ask myself, "HOW LONG do I have to live with this ugly thing between my legs?!" Recognized the TV desires as inappropriate, but the TS desires are identity. I've examined the past and it's always been there in some form.

While daydreaming this past weekend, I envisioned getting a birthday card from MIL which said, "To a dear daughter-in-law." Seeing it, I'd promptly break into tears and run from the room. Reality, however, is that each card mentioned gender (BIL, son, SIL). Ungrateful arse that I am, I threw them away.

So now I have a loathesome, unmentionable disease (TS). Can't mention it to anyone except my wife, sister, and mom; even then I have to be careful what I say to my wife to avoid alienating her. (Even though MIL knows, it's not discussed.) Can't even mention it on the other internet forum I participate in; they would respond in the expected way for the uninitiated: unkind/rude remarks or worse. When people at church greet me after church and ask, "Howzit going?," I just put on a smile and say, "Fine." Then I exit as quickly as possible.

Grateful for EA,

Terri

-----------------------------------

EDITED TO ADD: I'm sitting here a bit stunned right now. One of the songs I was just listening to is such a good match for my feelings. It's called "Friend of a Wounded Heart" by Claire Cloninger and Wayne Watson. Here are the significant words:

Smile -- Make 'em think you're happy

Lie -- And say that things are fine

And hide that empty longing that you feel

Don't ever show it

Just keep your heart concealed

Why are the days so lonely?

Where can a heart go free?

And who will dry the tears that no one's seen?

There must be someone

To share your silent dreams

(Chorus)

...

Jesus -- He meets you where you are

Jesus -- He heals your secret scars

All the love you're longing for is Jesus

The friend of a wounded heart

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

In previous posts, I've always said, "No plans to transition." But now I catch myself thinking absentmindedly about it. So what I should say is, "I can't transition. Can't screw up my family that way." Death will be my transition, and I look forward to it.

Couple of nights ago, was watching children play after church. The boys were chasing/wrestling each other. The girls were playing more gently, doing cartwheels; wished I could be one of them. When I caught myself thinking about gender issues, just wanted to run away, but my boy was still playing.

Physically, I'm annoyed Mr. Penis still has some life in him. Full erections are still possible, and occur in bed sometimes. At least libido is zero, so it's just a nuisance.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

For a limited time, you can see what I look like in my user profile. The photo is a few years old. I've got more newer eyeglasses now and my beard is shorter now, but hairline is the same.

* * *

Maybe the Lord is dealing with me about my desire for death. One of the songs I've been listening to has these words:

There's a lady dressed in black

In a motorcade of Cadillacs

Daddy's not coming back

Our hearts begin to fall and our stability grows weak (sure describes me!)

But Jesus meets our needs if only we believe

(Where There is Faith, by Billy Simon)

Each time I hear that section, the tears flow. I can't bear the thought of my boy grieving/missing me. He and I are very close, and we play together a lot. What's ironic is the very reasons I want to die (i.e., gender difficulties) have made him so much dearer to me. I feel a "mommy" love for him now.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Dear Diary,

Had an earnest time in prayer this morning. Then lost it when I asked the Lord, "What do see inside me? Is it a woman's heart...?"

Then my wife walked in as I was writing this later and saw me crying. So we chatted for awhile. Told her tears were a daily occurrence, with the causes typically being: gender issues, thoughts about babies, or inspirational songs which touch me. However, couldn't bring myself to tell her what I wrote above.

* * *

My boy is so sweet! He likes made-up stories at bedtime, ones that we collaborate on. Well, I introduced some meaty material the last two nights: one of the characters wanted to cease to exist. (Where have we heard that before?) In the story, our two main characters each created 10 little robots. One of the little robots was discouraged and didn't want to exist. He typed a good-bye message on the computer, printed it out, then removed his batteries.

When the other little robots discovered him, they were sad and held a memorial gathering for him. In the darkness, I could hear my boy's voice fill with emotion as he contributed to the story. When they put the little robot out at the end of the driveway with the trash, there was no question my son was teary-eyed. I turned on the lights to dab his eyes. He said, wet-eyed, "I was trying to hold it back. But I couldn't." At least the story had a happy ending. When the little robot's maker returned from some errands and saw him out by the trash, he explained to the others, "No, he's not gone. All we have to do is put his batteries back in."

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

As you recall, this thread started out with these words:

Still trying to understand what happened to me last year...

The gender shift I experienced is baffling. Here are further attempts to understand it.

* If I am male-brained, then my case is pitiful. "Why the longing to be something you're not? You say you care about truth?...Then be the man you are."

* If I am female-brained, then I'm merely experiencing the normal amount of stress/discomfort one would expect from such a situation.

Recurring thought: If gender is such strongly-ingrained thing, and the border between genders such a high wall that ordinary people recoil at the thought of transgendering -- imagine what it's like for the one who finds herself in the wrong body! Very distressing, and emotionally painful.

When the gender shift occurred in Oct-Nov 2004, I started identifying with women more than men. That wasn't the case previously. Truly, I was not female-brained in the past. Certainly, I had my problems (TV, femdom, etc.) and would have preferred being female. I do recall thinking, "If I were female, these issues wouldn't have any power over me..."

After the gender shift and consequential castration, I've felt more linked to females. Appearance matters. I have an idea what a barren woman feels like. Women's movies appeal. I no longer think of females in a sexual way. The contribution of women is way undervalued. I even question (bristle at?) Paul's statements in the Bible about the position of women. (That came as a surprise!) It's my place to make beds, do dishes more often, and clean up at family gatherings.

I'm reminded of a Groucho Marx joke: "My father thought he was a chicken. My mother would have taken him to doctor but she needed the eggs." Well, I think I'm female. My wife would take me to a doctor, but she likes me helping with the housework.

So I'm wondering: Did God change my gender back in Oct-Nov 2004? Did I have a personality/identity problem that was just not going to work with male gender? You don't know how hard I tried to overcome my problems and couldn't. The gender change would be a bona fide miracle since these things don't just happen. I feel clean now, so the fruit of that change has been good (apart from some accompanying depression :-\). But the thought of being 'male' again is itself depressing. Life is complicated.

As much as I look forward to death, I can truly say I'm now grateful for the gift of life. Previously, I've always been fairly ambivalent about life. If I never existed, big deal. Maybe that was a symptom of personality problems. But now, the thought of being female in Heaven -- finally clean, complete, and at peace -- makes me feel grateful for life, grateful to my Creator.

Wondered whether to even post this. This sounds too far-fetched and ludicrous. But I don't have any other answers for the time being. This is all so weird...

Bryanna (for today)

P.S. -- Sorry for how polarized this commentary is. I realize some folks fall into a middle/neither category when it comes to gender. For me, however, it does seem to be a question of soft-male vs. unremarkable-female. After all, I'm a eunuch now but fulfillment is eluding me.