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Life, The Universe, And Everything...

DEEP THOUGHT was asked for the answer to "THE Question, the question of life, the universe and everything." It determined that the answer was "42"...

But understanding that answer required knowing the question.

So DEEP THOUGHT commissioned the Earth be made to act as a living computer that ran for 8 million years to give a precise answer.

Now in the movie "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" when the pan-dimensional mice are talking to Arthur Dent, he gives them several questions and then says in frustration when none of those questions satisfy - - -

"... my head is filled with questions and I can assure you no answer to any one of them has ever brought me one iota of happiness. Except for one. The one. The only question I've ever wanted an answer to - is she the one? The answer bloody well isn't forty-two, it's yes. Undoubtedly, unequivocally, unabashedly yes. And for one week, one week in my sad little blip of an existence, it made me happy."

And the world melts in awe of something so simple and yet so hard.

I know a fellow who had a cat with an abscess on its head that needs to be drained,

and when the vet inserts the needle,

a careless customer opened the wrong door and the cat bolts outside at the sight of the customer's dog,

Runs out the front door,

and the owner is distraught, asking people out front if they've seen his furry little puree with the syringe on top...

Q: What’s H.P. Lovecraft’s least favorite ice-cream flavor?

A: Vanilla (“No new horror can be more terrible than the daily torture of the commonplace.”)

Q: Did you hear about the movie "Constipation" ? ? ?

A: No!

Q: It hasn't come out yet!

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

-Miles Kington

"C", "E-flat" and "G" go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

I just called the Incontinence Hotline and they asked if I could hold.

Q: What is Charles Dickens’

Dave (imported) wrote: Thu May 31, 2018 7:01 am s favorite spice?

A: The best of thymes, (“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

”)

Alternative answer: A twist of Limey

Dave (imported) wrote: Thu May 31, 2018 12:37 pm No offense taken...

Find a library and read the book. You'll very quickly understand.

Warhol's "Flesh for Frankenstein": Baron Frankenstein: To know death, Otto, you have to fuck life... in the gall bladder!

Dave (imported) wrote: Wed Jun 06, 2018 11:57 am Q. What was Dorothy Parker’s favorite pastime?

A. Horticulture (“You can lead a whore to culture but you can’t make her think.”)

(old but still good)

You can take the girl out of New York, but you can't the the gum out of her mouth.