It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. Bboy, the bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."

Bboy asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

After which he asked her nicely to "cut it out!!!!!"

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Akmed came to the United States from Afghanistan, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.

The doctor said, "Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes

for ten minutes."

Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was it?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick."

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A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here's a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my pecker inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my pecker unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees.

The guy drops his pants and puts his pecker in the gator's mouth. The alligator then closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and the guy removes his pecker unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.

"After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. "I'll give it a try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

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Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel; this is the Promised Land!" Now the Democrats, want to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of your Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land.

They need to change the Democrat Party Emblem from a jack ass to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while one is being screwed.

If you don't like this the you may very well Gore me! :redbounce

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A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start.

Out of those of you who believe in ghosts do any of you think you've seen a ghost? About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost? 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Bubba, way in the back raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost, you've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium, the professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

Shiiiiiit ... From way back thar I thought you said "Goats"!!

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Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

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An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down.

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A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.

The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?". The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE."

The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!."

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First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing."

After casting about for a suitable pearl,

He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

Rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing.

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Harry comes home from work, plops down on the couch, and says to his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." She gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he

says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You lazy, drunken fat slob."

Harry says, "I knew it was gonna start."

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