Todd,

You know, there are also women on the sex offender registry thing. Maybe meeting somebody new of the female persuasion who is also on a sex offender registry might be therapeutic for you.

If I may be so curious, how long is your probation? You know, you will not be on probation forever.

Probation was for three years. I am off probation now which is why I can be here. To be here on probation would of violated me. robyn is not on the sex offender registry and as far as I am aware, neither am I. Most "registered sex offenders" are not on the registry. Those have victims, we do not have victims. considering how far the federal government went to find a way to imprison robyn and myself for something they totally fabricated, I am simply not willing to risk the rest of my life and that of another to try and find a sexually compatible woman. Castration was something that robyn and I planned. My castration was never meant to make me asexual but more sexual. This is a way for me to experience and expand my sexuality and in a way I can do so in memory of what robyn and I shared and in a way I can choose to be sexual, or non sexual. castration has actually been something I have wanted since age 8, and for me, it is an arousing thing, a very sexual thing. Not all castrati become impotent. What happens to me, I will find out. However, I am hoping that I can still get erect when desired, but that nocturnal erections will diminish enough so that my cock shrinks. I find a smaller penis arousing. Also, I has a vasectomy at age 27 and have found that this is essentially like semi castration. My cock has literally shrunk nearly 1 and 1/2 inches in the last twenty years from that and I seldom get horny anymore since the vasectomy. I do know that when ones hormones are reduced, it is very easy for the testicles to become cancerous. So, in part, I will remove them as a "safety measure" against testicular cancer.

Todd,

Sounds like you are happy with yourself. However, maybe you still need to talk about these things that happened to you if you are considering practically becoming a nullo. Perhaps, you should consider at least talking to a professional counselor. Why do you think that you have wanted this since age 8? Was there any significant occurrence that influenced you at age 8? Why age 8?

Eventually you should research the idea of forgiving those who you feel wronged you. If you do not they will always influence your life. Even though you are now free, in your mind this is still a big, gaping wound to you psyche.

As far as mods go, please, do not do anything for a while. You need time to sort things out. You have the rest of your life to get mods if that is what you want. Surely you had to know that what happened to you was apt to happen. Everyone else did.

Todd,

Thanks for the thoughtful response. Whatever your choice, it seems as if you have given this a lot of thought and are not castrating yourself for negative reasons... Good luck !!

Please explain to me why I have been the hounded one when others do the same thing(s) and are applauded for it?

per the age 8 question... I was hit in the balls, rather severely at age 8 by a rather hard dodge ball. The testicles completely went inside the body cavity. I had to take super hot baths for a week to get them to descend. I recall vividly how much I wish they could just cut them off and of course being precocious and knowing how to read from a super early age, I knew exactly what castration was. Professional counselors are simply not equipped or life experienced enough to talk about this sort of subject on any meaningful manner. What exactly do you think sex offenders have to do during their probation anyhow? We get to go to weekly "therapy" sessions.

ToddBertrang (imported) wrote: Thu Aug 04, 2011 6:38 pm Please explain to me why I have been the hounded one when others do the same thing(s) and are applauded for it?

It could have been the level of presentation of yourself and your practices. When any 'system' wants to make an example they pick the strongest, most in your face person and use them to make that example. I am not saying that it is right. It is just the nature of things. It is human group behavior.

Look at what happened to Larry Flynt. They could have picked Bob Guccioni (sp?) or Hugh Hefner, but they chose Larry Flynn. Why? Get copies of their magazines from the 1980's and compare them. Which had the most blatant, in-your-face sexuality?

Although Flynt was acquitted he was shot and paralyzed in an assassination attempt in a flea bag town that he never should have been in in the first place.

It could have been a lot worse if they had thrown you into general population with no supervision in prison. Your only alternative (...if you lived long enough...) would have been to put yourself in protective management which is isolation. Shannon at BME would have never let it rest if they had done you in. Shannon IS your best friend.

It could have been a lot worse if they had done to you what they did to Flynt.

I am just glad that you survived. You are whole and intact. We live and learn. That is why I wonder why you want to finish the job for them of annihilating your sexuality. True, you probably DO need to get some control. But you DO not need to be nulloed to do that.

When one studies the suicidal there are two general types. There is the depressed type that is aware of the root of their actions and there is the reckless type that is not aware of the root of their actions.

I believe that the same phenomenon exists with those who seek to destroy their sexuality. There are the reckless ones who are not aware of what they are doing, and the depressed ones who are deliberate about it.

I see you as one who was changed from the former to the latter. Still, you have not dug deep enough as so to find your motives. Make DAMNED sure that whatever you end up doing is really what you want. You still have issues with 8 years of age and RAGE. (Again, my opinion, O.K.?)

This is my opinion. Now it is your turn... even if you DO NOT need this discussion there is somebody out there who might, O.K.?

Somehow, it seems I am not being understood as to how this exactly transpired. The cause of my persecution was one or more people from BME, either from the I AM section and or (probably the or) from BME chat, deciding to take it upon themselves that I was such a "problem" that, irregardless of right, wrong or truth, they had to repeatedly email the FBI saying that I had circumcised them and their 10 year old cousin. I know this for a fact as, once I had filed in prison against my attorney, I finally had the discovery in my file. The biggest problem with this is, #1, it never happened, and #2, this came from within the body mod community itself. NOT from outside the community. As to the last, I WAS in main stream population after being sent to the BOP facilities. Most of my time was spent in Coleman Florida. Protective custody is for people they do not want to have access to things like phone, visits, attorney calls, things of that nature, or for those few who simply cannot walk the main line. Most sex cases are in main stream population. Prior to being sent to the BOP, I was in "protective custody", the main reason was this made it impossible to find out about my case. Your in a little room with no contact. Sign here or get 20 years tomorrow. They never even let me read my plea bargain.

ToddBertrang (imported) wrote: Thu Aug 04, 2011 6:49 pm per the age 8 question... I was hit in the balls, rather severely at age 8 by a rather hard dodge ball. The testicles completely went inside the body cavity. I had to take super hot baths for a week to get them to descend. I recall vividly how much I wish they could just cut them off and of course being precocious and knowing how to read from a super early age, I knew exactly what castration was. Professional counselors are simply not equipped or life experienced enough to talk about this sort of subject on any meaningful manner. What exactly do you think sex offenders have to do during their probation anyhow? We get to go to weekly "therapy" sessions.

Modern psychology is a pathetic joke. I tried in therapy once to bring out my issues about being asexual and my desires for castration.

Did I get a friendly ear that heard me out, and tried to help me? Hell no. What I got was a diatribe from the so-called professional about the possibility of my being institutionalized, medicated, put on a sex offenders watch list, etcetera. The therapist was trying to cover her butt. Clearly she was afraid of what I might say. Apparently if she thought for a moment that I was a danger to myself or others she would be obligated to inform the authorities and destroy my life.

Well that shut me up pretty fast. It scared the bejeezus out of me too. I never felt comfortable enough to bring any of it up again. I stopped going to therapy soon after. Psychology is only useful if you can have a meaningful discussion without limitations. Once I knew the things that were screwing me over mentally were off the table of discussion, I saw no further need to return.

In my opinion, therapists are nothing more than snake oil salesmen. People that wanted to be doctors, but didn't have the guts to cut into a body, or the smarts to go to medical school.

I met a couple Dr. like that, but not the therapist's that I used they were very good, I have had more then one, (I moved). The last shrink I had was OK the one before that I told the VA I never wanted to see him again and they say he was fired yesterday so no problem.

Like any field, you can find good Dr's and bad ones, they are all out there.

River