From what you have said, it sounds like the school you are discussing is a private school. Private schools have much more discretion in who they will accept and will not accept than public schools do. But even public schools can sometimes be behind. My own college, which is a state university, does not include trans people in its non-discrimination statement. This is Southern California we are talking about. Of course, the CSU system is known for being more conservative than the UC system, and I don't believe the majority of CSU campuses include trans people in their statements.

When I was in my own transitioning phase and at my former school, also a CSU school, I did not appreciate the way I was treated by school housing (this was when I lived in the dorms). The housing director did not say so directly, but her choice of words basically implied that I should consider myself very lucky that they were willing to consider allowing me to live with female students because they had consulted the school lawyer and were supposedly told that the law says genitalia is what determines gender. This was clearly false because state law specfically prohibits discrimination because of gender identity or expression in public housing. My suspicions are that they knew very well what the law really says, but they were hoping that I would believe them so I wouldn't use it against them if they decided to break it later on.

Just wanted to point out a few things about communities using words with one another that are or were at one time considered to be negative if used by members outside the community. The word "nigger," as mrt mentioned, is one example. Blacks now regularly use this word with one another, and it is considered acceptable to use if you are a member of the community, or black.

Another example is "queer" in regards to the gay community. Queer was once considered a terrible word to use to refer to a gay person, yet members of the gay community now use it all the time when referring to themselves and one another (this is in contrast to "nigger," which I don't believe is commonly used by blacks to refer to themselves - only other blacks).

For the trans community, there is "tranny." This too was once considered a "bad word" to use when referring to a trans person. Now, however, trans people use it to refer to themselves and other trans people all the time.

"Queer" has now been "reclaimed" by the gay community (this is usually the justification I hear for communities using former hate words with one another), but I have always wondered when "fag" and "faggot" are going to be reclaimed. Surely there can't be any more problem with this word than any others? When will the time come? Or has it started already and I am just not aware of it?

With all of these words, it is OK to use them to refer to yourself or another member of the community if you are part of the community. If you are not part of it, then it is considered offensive to refer to someone with those words. "Queer" may be an exception - I think pretty much anyone can use that now if meant in a positive way. But "tranny" is generally still considered offensive if used by a non-trans person, and "nigger" is definitely offensive if used by a non-black (though I'm sure this varies in different parts of the country. In my part, you'd probably be killed if you called a black that word, but in parts such as the South, it probably happens more often).

OK, back to the thread I am glad to hear that your name change continues to move forward. I think things will work out with your job. It sounds like your co-workers and superiors are really supportive of you and don't want to lose you. But if anything did happen, in an area as trans-friendly as where you live, you will definitely be able to find something else.

mrt (imported) wrote: Sat Aug 23, 2008 7:41 pm I wish I was better with Scripture but the gist of one part of the Bible were these "religion experts" trying their best to trip up Jesus by asking complicated questions about what was allowed and how this one of God's laws was connected to each other *The idea being (my opinion) to trick him into contradicting himself or God.

You may be thinking of the Pharisees' displeasure with Jesus over his healing of the sick on the Sabbath and Jesus' responses. They considered healing to be work, something forbidden on the Sabbath.

mrt (imported) wrote: Sat Aug 23, 2008 7:41 pm Platonic crushes over women are normal for guys devoted to their wives as well. No, don't bring up Dr M... I adore a number of women (Yourself included of course)

You are very sweet, MrT, and your friendship is important to me.

mrt (imported) wrote: Sat Aug 23, 2008 7:41 pm but its not the same as the way I feel about Mrs T. Ie the hot and sweaty wow when I get home are you ever going to be worn out stuff...

I know how much you love Mrs T and I think you are very fortunate to have such a good relationship.

Hugs,

Danya

plix (imported) wrote: Sat Aug 23, 2008 10:38 pm From what you have said, it sounds like the school you are discussing is a private school. Private schools have much more discretion in who they will accept and will not accept than public schools do. But even public schools can sometimes be behind.

Yes, my undergraduate college is a private school. They can use that status to exclude certain minority students. Whether the college, today, actively seeks to exclude certain minorites is something I don't know. For years they have sought to increase the diversity of the student body. As I stated, they are associated with one of the more liberal churches. The fact that they promote themselves as a church college, state they seek a diverse student body and yet are so ignorant of certain minority issues is what bothers me.

plix (imported) wrote: Sat Aug 23, 2008 10:38 pm When I was in my own transitioning phase and at my former school, also a CSU school, I did not appreciate the way I was treated by school housing (this was when I lived in the dorms). The housing director did not say so directly, but her choice of words basically implied that I should consider myself very lucky that they were willing to consider allowing me to live with female students because they had consulted the school lawyer and were supposedly told that the law says genitalia is what determines gender. This was clearly false because state law specfically prohibits discrimination because of gender identity or expression in public housing. My suspicions are that they knew very well what the law really says, but they were hoping that I would believe them so I wouldn't use it against them if they decided to break it later on.

Discrimination against trans-identified people is pervasive in this country. This is why I feel a need to take some positive action by contacting my alma mater to express my opinion. Even if that has no discernible affect, I will feel good knowing I have taken a stand.

plix (imported) wrote: Sat Aug 23, 2008 10:38 pm Just wanted to point out a few things about communities using words with one another that are or were at one time considered to be negative if used by members outside the community. The word "nigger," as mrt mentioned, is one example. Blacks now regularly use this word with one another, and it is considered acceptable to use if you are a member of the community, or black.

Another example is "queer" in regards to the gay community. Queer was once considered a terrible word to use to refer to a gay person, yet members of the gay community now use it all the time when referring to themselves and one another (this is in contrast to "nigger," which I don't believe is commonly used by blacks to refer to themselves - only other blacks).

In my part of the country, many older gay folks have never felt comfortable with the use of 'queer' within the gay community. They have too many bad associations with the word. Younger gay people here tend to be much more comfortable with the 'queer' label.

plix (imported) wrote: Sat Aug 23, 2008 10:38 pm For the trans community, there is "tranny." This too was once considered a "bad word" to use when referring to a trans person. Now, however, trans people use it to refer to themselves and other trans people all the time.

I have never heard a trans person use 'tranny' but I do know this is used. Perhaps in your state this is now acceptable but not here. Or maybe I simply haven't been around enough trans people long enough to notice it.

I can't see myself ever using 'tranny' to describe myself or another trans person. I view myself as a transitioning woman and, ultimately, simply a woman. I know I would feel insulted by anyone, regardless of their gender identification, calling me a tranny. That is not my identity. Woman is.

plix (imported) wrote: Sat Aug 23, 2008 10:38 pm OK, back to the thread I am glad to hear that your name change continues to move forward. I think things will work out with your job. It sounds like your co-workers and superiors are really supportive of you and don't want to lose you. But if anything did happen, in an area as trans-friendly as where you live, you will definitely be able to find something else.

Yes, my friend, everyone continues to be very supportive on the job. Should I lose my job, there is something unrelated to my transitioning status that could make it more difficult for me to find a similar position. That is my age.

I appreciate your thoughtful comments, plix, as always!

Hugs,

Danya

Its a curious place we live in that allows us to say all manner of offensive things freely. One can imagine that a creep like Adolf Hitler would be free to rant and rave his hate freely were he born here. The nice thing is that we as free people can reply with our own opinions of how stupid we think this type of thing is.

I think Bill Cosby said that he was bothered by how young people so easily used offensive words to describe each other and I agree with him. Is it cool to calmly put down people by calling them things that are "offensive"? Sure just as its cool to smoke and get crazy hair cuts and anything else that bothers "authority" I think its a waste of some serious energy myself but now we are way off track and I'm starting to sound SOooo old and square.

I am worn out physically and emotionally, so I am going to make an effort not to post anything for a week. Work is very stressful and although I am handling this better now that I am on estrogen, it is still draining.

What I need is to get away for a long weekend, at a minimum. Right now that is not possible. By late September, though, I hope to take a three-day 'holiday' in the far north woods. Preferably in a place with no phone and no TV.

I feel that my life is becoming too busy and complicated. Most of the time, I enjoy keeping busy. Now, though, I think I have overdone it. So I need to step back, relax and simply be.

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Aug 25, 2008 5:11 pm I am worn out physically and emotionally, so I am going to make an effort not to post anything for a week. Work is very stressful and although I am handling this better now that I am on estrogen, it is still draining.

What I need is to get away for a long weekend, at a minimum. ......

.Yes! Get away and enjoy just being a girl!!!

I hadn't intended to post for at least a week because of the way I had been feeling over the weekend. At that time, I was still dealing with lingering asthma. My emotional state wasn't good either and I felt I needed a break to relax and get my bearings. Today I am back to normal. I continue to be surprised by how quickly I recover my equilibrium from emotional upsets since I transitioned.

What had been bothering me over the weekend was my impending legal name change. I submitted the application to the county court last Friday. Over the weekend, I was surprised by how sad I felt about the name change. I was even wondering for a time if I was making a mistake.

By Monday evening, I realized it is normal for me to feel sad at what is, after all, a major life change. The names we go by have a deeper significance than mere handles that others use to address us. I have gone by my male name for decades and even though my male identity never fit there is a lot of history associated with my male name. I need to grieve for this man and it doesn't matter that 'he' was never really me at all. He had his dreams, relationships, desires and so on. All that is changing now and this is good. Nonetheless, I have felt a real sense of loss as I more officially let go of my old life.

My history as someone living as a man includes most of my life and important people who have known me as male. I was married for 20 years, for instance. My ex-wife and I have been divorced since 1996 but our relationship covers roughly half of my adult life. It is important. My niece and nephew grew up knowing me as their uncle. I held both of them many times when they were infants and we have had fun times together over the years. There are many other examples of both good and bad times connected with my old name. All of those are important parts of my life.

Danya (imported) wrote: Fri Aug 15, 2008 6:54 pm I saw my gender therapist today.

In fact, I had moved our usual appointment to an earlier date because I was so upset over the weekend. By the time I saw her this morning, I already understood what was going on. I am allowing myself to grieve when I need that. Today, she simply confirmed that what I am feeling is totally normal and in no way indicates I am making a mistake in legally changing my name. By extension, then, I am also not making a mistake in transitioning. I continue to feel very happy and content about being a woman.

Some gender therapists say that it is necessary to deconstruct the male persona before the true female self can fully blossom. I think there is some truth to this, not that it means all the old is swept away and replaced by someone entirely new.

For many people starting transition between genders, though, the initial concept of what it is to be female is 'his' concept. For me this means that, starting out, my conception of what it is to be a woman is colored by male perceptions built up over decades as I tried to fit in as a man. This is what must I must let go of to fully become the woman I am.

There certainly can be major changes in hobbies, friends, etc. when a person is free at last to be one's true self. I won't be surprised if some of that happens for me. I also suspect,though, that my core values and essential personality will remain relatively unchanged.

I dressed very well for work today. Last week, I found a summer dress on sale at Penneys that I love. It has a beautiful, delicate and subdued but complex pattern of flowers and shapes. The colors create an earth tone effect. The material is also sheer and a black slip came with it. Today was perfect for wearing this new outfit to work. Conditions sunny and pleasant. I also wore off-black nylons (my favorite color in hose) and heels.

Several people, both in and out of the office, complimented me on how good I looked. What I most appreciated, though, was the look I got from a male coworker when I offered him a chocolate. First, a disclaimer: I had no ulterior motive in offering the chocolate. This man, who is very straight and married, hugged me several months ago when I met with him and another male coworker to announce my transgender status. Today, he very clearly gave me a lingering, appreciative glance as I stood by his desk while offering him a piece of candy. There was a quick, but obvious, look up and done my entire body. I know he is happily married and I am glad for him. I also was really glad for his obviously appreciative appraisal of me today. I made no mention of any of this to him, of course!

On a mundane issue, I have discovered I prefer L'Oreal nail polish to Maybelline! The finish is higher quality.

Tomorrow evening I am going for a makeover at the shop of a woman who has fully transitioned from male. My therapist recommended her. This morning, I mentioned the makeover to my therapist who said she already thought I was doing a fine job. Within the last week or so, I have started using eyeliner and applied color to my eyebrows to make them stand out. I also started making fuller use of makeup I have had sitting around largely untouched. I found, for instance, that I can very easily conceal discoloration under my eyes. This is a marvelous thing. All I hope to get tomorrow evening is some relaxation and perhaps some additional tips on how to more effectively use makeup.

About two months ago, I deleted the only email address my immediate family (two brothers, a sister-in-law and a niece and nephew) has used for contacting me. They didn't know about two other addresses. I also changed my unlisted phone number and did not let them know the new one.

It is entirely possible that they never discovered either of these things. I base that conclusion on the way we have communicated in the past. For the most part, if I haven't phoned or written them we could go up to 18 months without talking.

I made the decision today to send them my new email address that goes with my new name. I kept the note very simple, mentioning the obvious email change and telling them what my new legal name will be. I did not give them my new phone number but I did sign the note 'Much love'. I do love them but that does not mean we can have a relationship that is not hurtful. I will be hurt if they cannot 'regender' me as female after knowing me for decades as male. They will then also be hurt because I can never again be who they remember.

This morning, I had discussed this issue with my therapist because it has been on my mind lately. The thing is, I do not want to be in the position of being blamed for ending communicatons. In addition, they have a way to contact me if they wish if there is an emergency.

I considered sending them another book I found,

Trans Forming Families: Real Stories About Transgendered Loved Ones, 2nd Edition (Paperback), that describes, in first person accounts, the reactions of loved ones and friends to transitioning persons. I haven't read the book, but it sounds good. At least some of those accounts are also supposed to describe how family and friends eventually came to accept their transgendered loved one.

My therapist's advice on this was that I have already provided them with resource information on several occasions. I have also let them know I understood how hard it can be for family members to understand and accept a transsexual relative. Sending yet more information would not likely change anything. I agree with her.

Sending the email was something I needed to do but it was not at all easy. I fear I will be hurt whether they respond or not. For those not familiar with my earlier posts, I was totally rejected in a hurtful way by one of my brothers when he found out I am TG. My other brother has never responded to the news I gave his family on my TG status in February of 2008. Instead, he relied on his wife who has given mixed signals. Initially, she sounded very supportive. Later on, things were much less clear and I sensed that not everyone in that part of the family was taking my news well. I stated this thought to them and got no response.

At that point, I gave them permission, through an email (they don't like to talk on the phone) to let go of me. I let them all know I am happy and they need not worry about me. I also recounted some of the fun times we have spent together and other significant shared events. The response to that was lukewarm at best but it promised a more sensitive, longer note. In two months, that never came. That in no way lessened my happiness or how well I have been doing since I transitioned.

What I have done, though, is to leave the possibility of a future, although changed, relationship open. I can never pretend to be someone I am not in order to have a relationship or for them to be comfortable. I will not tiptoe around issues in my life, either, in order to gain a poor semblance of a caring relationship.

As I stated in a much earlier post, my life is moving on and it is moving on without them. I am very fine with things as they are. My feeling, for now at least, is I hope they do not respond to the email I sent this evening. I have been happy continuing my life without their knowing what is going on. The truth is, they have given no real indication that they have wanted to know. Now, though, they can never say I cut off communications.

As time goes by the "new" is often less odd. I think for people our age the possibility that someone could change from male to female (or female to male) is pretty amazing. Medical and surgical changes have made it more complete but like everything new it takes time for people to get used to the idea. I think even some TS people pinch themselves for a while until it sets in.

I'm really happy for you on the name change. And I hope you don't get upset by anything your family says. Lets face it family headaches are so common in just ordinary life.