I just realized I forgot to celebrate my eunuch anniversary. In the past this has been an important day. Oh well everyday being content with yourself is a celebration. I never had a party just thought about how far I have come.

Life is good. I do, on occasion, need to take an emotional dump as demonstrated by some of my posts. I rarely think about the old days other than once in a while a twinge of embarrassment over some previous behaviors. I have more peace and contentment than I ever thought I would have.

My friends who knew me prior to 12/06/97 are pleased to witness my change. Few knew of the surgical benefit but they see the overall effect. I guess I forgot to celebrate this year because I am so comfortable with myself.

I am so glad I have my dog waiting for me at home and our peaceful walks. After a day at work he cheers me up. Work is not bad but my client is suffering needlessly. He has four types of cancer which are fairly advanced. His daughter, an LPN, hates Hospice. All I have to give him for pain is Vicodin and at the lowest strength. He also has a wife in complete denial. Since this is my sixth of seven days in a row I am drained.

I hate to see humans and animals suffer. I hate to witness it and not convince families to do more for their loved one. Of course he is part of the problem since he shares with me how badly he is feeling and tells the wife and children he is okay. He is from the generation where men do not admit to pain or weakness. He has always been a good husband and provider and will not relinquish that role and let others do for him.

His wife thinks if he would shower everyday he would feel better. He does not feel like doing much so he is lazy. His oncologist wonders why his bones have not broken due to the lack of bone mass caused by the bone cancer. While caring for him I have to ignore some of her demands. She needs some assistance but as he has become less able she has begun to do less for herself.

I am trying to keep my batteries charged by avoiding negative situations away from work. I listen to music and watch only comedies on TV. Walking and playing ball with my dog is a good stress reliever. I avoid people who are not able to be upbeat and positive for at least part of the time.

I plan on being here for the duration but I have to keep myself up.

tugon (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 04, 2012 1:00 pm I am so glad I have my dog waiting for me at home and our peaceful walks. After a day at work he cheers me up. Work is not bad but my client is suffering needlessly. He has four types of cancer which are fairly advanced. His daughter, an LPN, hates Hospice. All I have to give him for pain is Vicodin and at the lowest strength. He also has a wife in complete denial. Since this is my sixth of seven days in a row I am drained.

I hate to see humans and animals suffer. I hate to witness it and not convince families to do more for their loved one. Of course he is part of the problem since he shares with me how badly he is feeling and tells the wife and children he is okay. He is from the generation where men do not admit to pain or weakness. He has always been a good husband and provider and will not relinquish that role and let others do for him.

His wife thinks if he would shower everyday he would feel better. He does not feel like doing much so he is lazy. His oncologist wonders why his bones have not broken due to the lack of bone mass caused by the bone cancer. While caring for him I have to ignore some of her demands. She needs some assistance but as he has become less able she has begun to do less for herself.

I am trying to keep my batteries charged by avoiding negative situations away from work. I listen to music and watch only comedies on TV. Walking and playing ball with my dog is a good stress reliever. I avoid people who are not able to be upbeat and positive for at least part of the time.

I plan on being here for the duration but I have to keep myself up.

May what ever higher power you believe in bless you for your good work! Hospice nurses are some of the most caring nurses on the planet IMHO. They took such good care of my father in his final days.

GabbyLil (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 04, 2012 1:11 pm May what ever higher power you believe in bless you for your good work! Hospice nurses are some of the most caring nurses on the planet IMHO. They took such good care of my father in his final days.

Thank you but I want to clarify that I am an aide/caregiver not a nurse. I am glad your father received very good care but sorry for your loss.

Too Many Ghosts

The home where I am a caregiver is usually quite warm at 73 degrees. Since becoming a eunuch I run very warm. Today I was walking through parts of the house and I would freeze. The thermostat read 73 degrees but everyone was cold today. I walked my dog this evening in 34 degrees and felt warmer.

The gentleman is not long for this world with four types of cancer. He has dementia but understood he had cancer. I have been seeing the signs of impending death and his conversations with people from his past. I find it fascinating when people are between both worlds. Tonight his son stopped by and asked his dad how he was doing? He told his son he was dying. I knew it, some of his family accepted it but I had no idea he was aware. This surprised and saddened me because I thought he could pass without the knowledge of the end.

I think all those cold spots in the house were many coming back to welcome him home. I am glad he is surrounded by family of the physical world and the spiritual world. I have complained about his wife but if I had a father I would have like him to be like my patient. He is a loving father and was always supportive and protective to his children. I will be sad when he dies and I am afraid I will be sad very soon.

When I am walking my dog I am relaxed and often remember memories from the past. I do not know if it is the blood flowing or the fresh air maybe even the silence in the woods but memories come easily.

I remember a time when my grandmother chided me for how I washed my face. I was washing my face like the female models on TV. I remembered I never modeled my father but women on TV. Part of the reason I never modeled my father was my fear of him. Of course now I am wondering if I would have related to him even if he had been kind. When I washed my face I would wash my forehead, cheeks and chin while avoiding my eyes and lips. Now that I think of it the models must have been not wanting to mess their makeup for the commercials.

I also wanted products that were not traditionally for men. I remember wanting a small bottle of Jergen's lotion. I wanted products I saw women using on TV. The products I saw men using were not of much interest. I never watched my father shave or do anything. Of course I was afraid to be in the bathroom with him from previous negative experience.

Today I am happy as an E and did not want to be an M but never wanted to do all the work to transition to an F. I am just interested in the memories of those days where being female seemed more natural. As I have posted before I might have been happier as a female but the drive was never strong enough to transition. The last time the desires were strong was during college when I shared with several friends that I might be female. Of course after I repressed those feelings then I thought I might want to be a priest where I could hide from myself. Then I became a eunuch and was my happiest.

Who knows what I may remember on tomorrow's walk but I look forward to the memories unfolding.

The smell of death is upon him. I am at the stage of my job as caregiver which I like the least but seem to do well. My client/patient is very near death. His body no longer needs or desires food. Several of his systems are shutting down. Ice water and pain meds are what I give him that he either enjoys or needs.

I observe him for any signs of pain. He has difficulty verbalizing pain or other needs. I am also his advocate when family decides if he would eat he could regain his strength. Then I have to gently remind them that he is beyond the need and benefits of food. If he eats a little they think he is getting better. In my mind I wonder when the time will come when his body rejects food.

Twice now I thought we were at the end. He does have a lot of visitors that I do not see. His conversations with them are more frequent. Even his dog sits and stares at him and whines quietly. Only the dog and I know how close he is or should I say only the dog and I can accept how close he is.

My belief is that life should end as it begins. Cradled by those that love you, all your needs met and be kept as warm and comfortable as possible. That will be my goal in the coming days. Then when no longer needed I will pull out my Mary Poppin's like umbrella and float to who needs me next. I will miss this gentle man.

I had a wonderful dream last night. Part of the dream was crazy since people were stopping by for me to help them with musical arrangements. I could no more arrange music than fly to the moon. In the dream I knew I was pretending I could do it. All of a sudden the incredible young man who I was so in love with walked in to surprise me. I was very excited to see him and wanted to throw those people out of my office. In reality he is dead but in the dream he was young and vibrant.

This was truly a dream and not the experiences of years ago when he would visit after his death. This was just remembering him in a more focused way as supplied by the subconcious. I would like one of the more physical visits we used to have but this dream was nice. I was so incredibly happy to see him again. He could always make me swoon.

Of course since I have awakened I have had a good cry. I had not cried in too long a time so I needed it. So I went from a very sweet dream to a day full of memories. 36 years later and he is still in my thoughts and dreams. For me there has never been another like him.

I wanted to add that it was interesting remembering what he was like and what I was like in those days. A time before castration fantasies and rape. I had questioned my gender already but knew I would stay male. The days when I still had hope of love. Oh and I had someone to love.

Tugon I recently read through this thread from the beginning and just wanted to say how moved and touched I was by your story. I feel as if I know you after reading it. You've been through so much and yet seem so at peace with yourself. You are so courageous to bare your soul as you have and I admire you for that. I too am a no-T eunuch and was castrated for similar reasons as yourself. I am happy that your eunuch experience has been so positive. Thank you for sharing your life, your struggles and your triumphs. Oh, and don't give up the hope of love. It's never too late to find your soulmate.

Big hugs,

EunuchAusTX

EunuchAusTX (imported) wrote: Thu Feb 23, 2012 6:27 pm Tugon I recently read through this thread from the beginning and just wanted to say how moved and touched I was by your story. I feel as if I know you after reading it. You've been through so much and yet seem so at peace with yourself. You are so courageous to bare your soul as you have and I admire you for that. I too am a no-T eunuch and was castrated for similar reasons as yourself. I am happy that your eunuch experience has been so positive. Thank you for sharing your life, your struggles and your triumphs. Oh, and don't give up the hope of love. It's never too late to find your soulmate.

Big hugs,

EunuchAusTX

Thanks EunuchAusTX for your kind words. My life is truly much better than I ever thought it could be. Even if I do not find romantic love I am surrounded by and give much love. If I could I would give you a big I would for reading through all of my thread. I am glad you are writing about your own journey.