Unfortunatly, option #5 may be the only one that keeps you emotionaly intact. It seems obvious from the viewpiont of an outside observer that your parents are reading what they wish to read into your behavior instead of trying to see the reality of your life. A sad unpleasant situation. I don't envy you but I support any decision that you may need to make. Take care of yourself, Terri. --FLO--

bryan (imported) wrote: Thu May 03, 2007 4:41 pm Dad berated me at lunch Monday, and counseled me to contact my son more often. It turns out Dad has put me in the same category as his sisters, the ones who have mental/emotional illnesses and had to go on medication. Does it matter to him that a psychiatrist already pronounced me mentally healthy back in August and that a specialist agreed with my self-diagnosis (TSism)? Does it count that a medical doctor checked my bloodwork, observed I didn't seem depressed, and instead suggested transitioning? No, that doesn't seem to count because he wants me to see another shrink and "get on medication." (Sounds like we are putting the cart before the horse. Shouldn't the professional decide if medication is needed??) He also confronted me with wrong information. He thought wife had told to leave because I was cross-dressing. No such thing since I hadn't cross-dressed for close to 20 years.

My parents believe I am depressed and need to be on medication. Dad thought stress from work was playing a role. Hardly(!), since work is a welcome relief and distraction from personal problems. Both he and Mom don't understand how emotionally devastating it has been to be squeezed out of my son's life. As terrible as it sounds, the way to survive is think about him as little as possible. Even before castration, folks observed, "I've never seen a father play so much with his child." After castration, I was more of a mother to him. Imagine a mother being torn from her young son. I howled the day we parted in Florida.

If your Dad know about your concerns is he maybe suggesting Hormones? And not Mental health drugs? I remember being told that I met many of the symptoms of "depression" but it was really just low Testosterone.

If low doses of Estrogen make you no longer care that much about transition what would going on an average level do? I don't want to sound like the mad scientist or anything but perhapes your feeling stuck in the middle gender wise and you need to get off the fence? What does your Doctor say about that? Is GRS even a possibility?

Does your Dad know about your wife's demands that you have to be "Male" to be a part her and your sons life? And if so have you told him what the odds are of that happening? I think parents can handle a lot more then we credit them with.

Just my 2 cents worth. And probably not even worth that!

Option #5 (withdrawal from family contact) seems like the only viable choice, unfortunately.

My parents never understood me, and kept trying to run my life, and made me really miserable at times. After I moved 500-miles away and changed my occupation to the one that I had wanted from early childhood (not the one that my parents had insisted upon), then finally I was truly happy. My only regrets are that I wasted almost 50-years of my life being unhappy.

Hi all,

For the first time since November or so, I'm seriously considering transition again. My present course of staying male and withdrawing socially is failing. Relationships with my family (parents and siblings) are deteriorating anyway. Had hoped to at least preserve those relationships by not transitioning. No hope of reconciling with wife since her standards are too high. (She requires me to feel male, not just put a limit on certain behaviors.) Guess I had hoped family support would make it possible to avoid transition. But whatever I needed from family to forestall transition -- and I'm not sure what that is -- it's not there.

Wrote a mega-depressing post last night but didn't post it. Most salient line from it: "If I could pull the plug on my life and forever cease to exist, I’d be tempted to do it." And I'm a Christian who believes in Heaven! That's how miserable my life and earthly future are right now.

One can only think about death so often until one figures THERE'S GOT TO BE ANOTHER WAY.

I'm reminded of what an MtF wrote on another board. This TG was strongly considering suicide. But a little voice told her that she may as well give transition a try. "And if it does't work out, then you can always go with the original plan" [suicide]. She is glad she went with transition -- no regrets.

(Did you know that 35% of transsexuals attempt suicide and another 50% consider it? Only 15% don't think about suicide. I had heard numbers like that, and then they were born out in a poll

bryan (imported) wrote: Sat Jun 10, 2006 6:44 am (http://beginninglife.com/newforum/index.php?t=msg&

goto=42614&pl_view=50&S=f141891355560c6711c4bea1f6496737#msg_42614) at BeginningLife.com.)

This evening, I bought my first bra in 20 years. Chickened out twice, and each time -- after chickening out -- immediately started preferring death again. Said to myself, "This is no life." So went back resolutely and got one.

Terri

Nice to hear from you, Terri. Keep forging ahead. --FLO--

Bryan - hang in there - don't do anything rash or foolish.

If maleness doesn't suit you, then you should change. The family issues are a bit more difficult to deal with, however. Good luck.

Hi all,

Just a short post to let you know I'm doing pretty well. The future (i.e., transition) scares me, but at least I'll be trying to contribute to this thing called life -- instead of hiding from people and relationships.

Who would have thought it would be so hard to live as the wrong gender?!

Regarding the renewed decision to transition: Salient quotes from October 8th and 9th, 2006 when I was putting transition aside:

bryan (imported) wrote: Mon Oct 09, 2006 12:54 pm How is GID angst these days? Still shooting for androgyny. And I ask myself, "Why is presentation so freakin' important?!" But I couldn't stand to cut my hair short now. And it's so nice not seeing beard shadow. When I consider toning down the external changes to average male appearance, I can sense myself wanting to isolate -- or die. (The latter is my all-purpose solution for impossible prob

bryan (imported) wrote: Tue Oct 10, 2006 6:18 pm lems, if you haven't noticed already.

)

...

For the moment, it appears I'm headed for the loner path: just get a job, live alone, go to a conventional church and don't get too close to anyone. Stay closeted. At least I have family and Erica nearby. When I've contemplated this path before, depression doesn't wait very long before clobbering me.

...

If depression clobbers me again, then I'll have to conclude the time/pain/effort

to feminize the body is a necessary medical expense.

Part of me hates transition -- all the effort spent on an otherwise perfectly-good body and how it messes up marriages. But you who aren't transgendered can't fathom what a prison the wrong body can be. For the content males out there, imagine how life would be if: people called you "MA'AM" so that it rang unpleasantly in your ears; you were cut off from men and your social opportunities consisted of being with women to chat, shop, or watch tearjerkers; peer-pressure discouraged you from watching sports or participating in them (and nobody was interested in talking about them anyway).

Erica: I'm looking forward to tomorrow! (We're going to play dress up.)

Where is my faith in all this? I would feel better accounting for this present path to God than the sour-relationship/death-envying/embittered-hermit path I was on. The latter would be an embarrassment and, I believe, reckoned a failure in the end. Not only that, since I'm fully expecting to be female in Heaven, there should be no wrong in starting now what I expect God to finish in Heaven [since my marriage is doomed anyway and I'm ruling out remarrying.]

That's all for now. Closing with a smile for once,

Terri

Hi all,

Last night, went out in female mode for the first time! EricaAnn and Louise (EricaAnn's spouse) were so helpful and supportive. After giving my meager wardrobe a thumbs down ("that looks like something your mother would wear to a wedding"), they provided me with clothes for the evening. Louise applied the cosmetics and fixed my hair. We went to a local TG-friendly bar. I was completely relaxed and had a wonderful time.

So relaxed, in fact, we stopped at a gas station along the way so I could go in to purchase a bottle of soda pop.

The most poignant part of the evening came when it was time to pee. Faced with the usual two signs outside the restrooms, I happily chose "WOMEN." There was an overwhelming sense of relief and inclusion, a sense of "Finally! After all these years, I get to go in. I belong now." That feeling was quickly marred, however, while untucking Mr. Penis: "Yuck! That thing!"

Haven't always felt that way about Mr. Penis. Why did my feelings change? Once my personal epiphany arrived, i.e., the realization that I am female inside but cursed with a male body, Mr. Penis became a lightning rod for dissatisfaction. It represents exclusion and lost opportunity: exclusion from the social group I belong to personality-wise, and lost opportunity regarding motherhood.

Terri

Congrats and glad you had fun!

Terri,

We both had a wonderful time with you Saturday night and I'm so glad we could be of assistance in helping you take the first big step into transition and being yourself. It's truly a great feeling isn't it?

I'm also happy to see that you had fun and enjoyed yourself. By the way, you looked marvelous girl and I love the new avatar!

Hope we can do it again real soon.